Highway to Hell
by PsychoticSushi
Summary: Ichigo Kurosaki. Peyton Cullen. On the road in the U.S. to catch a Social Distortion concert before Mark and Miya get home from their honeymoon. In the words of Peyton,"Enh, what's the worst that could happen?" That's a long, pervy, hilarious list indeed!
1. And So It Begins!

**Me: Well, here it is! The first chapp of Ichigo and Peyton's epically funny adventure!**

**Ichigo: (Dullly) And it has absolutely nothing to do with a highway thus far.**

**Me: (Snaps fingers) KOOOON! GAUNTLET, PLEASE!**

**Kon: (Scurries in with my Gauntlet of Epic Awesomesaucery) Here it is, Mistress Mandy!**

**Me: Thanks. KI-YAAA!**

**Ichigo: (Tries to dodge and fails) Gah! Dammit!**

**Rukia: (Shake of the head) Morons. Can we just get on with the damn story? Before this author's note takes up, like, half the space on this one? Like LAST TIME...**

**Carmen: To be fair, that wasn't their fault. It was all the cakes.**

**Ichigo: We wouldn't have had to list so many cakes if SLACKER over there had put them in the chapp they belonged in instead of skipping it!**

**Me: ASSHOLE, YOU KNOW WHY I DID THAT!**

**Rukia: ALL OF YOU, SHUT THE HELL UP! ... (Smiles innocently and brilliantly at camera, sparkle bouncing off of them included) Well, guys-**

**Me: Read!**

**Ichigo: Review.**

**Rukia: Andddd ENJOOOOY!**

* * *

"C'mon."

"No."

"Come onnn..."

"No."

"Ichigo-"

"NO."

"C'mon, this is going JUST HOW the conversation about me being on top went! Do you want a repeat of that?"

"...No."

"Because, do remind me, WHERE did you sleep that night?"

"With Nel on the floor."

"And WHO got laid that night?"

"Not me."

"So what should you _really _be doing right now? And if you gimme a dirty answer, you'll be sleeping on the floor the first chance I get."

Ichigo's mouth opened and closed a few times in disbelief, just now realizing how totally whipped he was thanks to the damn American in front of him. At least six inches shorter than him, yet all she had to do was put her hands on her hips and glare at him, just like she was doing right now. So what did he do about it?

He sighed heavily in defeat and answered, "I should be agreeing with you and following you into your house of fucking horrors..."

Peyton grinned that cocky grin of hers and nodded. "Yeah, you should be. C'mon. Nanaw won't be waiting forever."

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah she will. She's obsessed with me." Peyton frowned, looking towards her house. _She knows I'm right, but will she admit it? Not unless I threaten to pop her toes._

"I wouldn't say _obsessed_...she's just...um...infatuated! Yes. _Psychotically _infatuated, but infatuated nonetheless. Yes. Mmhmm."

Ichigo sweatdropped. _...And so works the mind of Peyton Cullen. _He decided to play the Pleading Amber Eyes That Peyton Loves So Much Card, widening aforementioned eyes innocently.

"Peeeyton...pleeeeasee," he said in a voice that wasn't so innocent, fiddling with a few strands of her hair.

She was _really _glaring at him now. "Ichigo Kurosaki, don't you dare try to-"

"Pleeeease," he murmured in that tone again, right against her ear this time. Peyton groaned. "Awww, don't do that, that's not fair."

"C'mooooon...why don't I just suffer _after _we get back? Huh?" he asked, stroking her upper arm with his thumb.

"HEY! KUROSAKI! SAVE IT FOR THE ROAD, ALRIGHT!" Seth bellowed as he threw his bag into the backseat of Dad's car.

The deal was that they (meaning Ichigo or Seth, _definitely _not Peyton) would be driving the car to the airport, leaving it in Long-Term Parking, and then Miya and Dad would use it to get home when they got back.

Because they didn't know Ichigo and Peyton would be leaving, too. They'd bribed Lindsay to keep her mouth shut, who bribed Keigo and Nanaw to keep _their_ mouths shut.

Which, considering what both of them would have to gain if Ichigo or Peyton were mauled to bits by her father, was quite an amazing feat.

Peyton smirked as Ichigo groaned and stepped away. "Since you failed epically, Ichigo, I pity you. Fine. I'll enjoy it more afterwards, anyways, when I'm in less of a hurry."

She leaned close to him, lowering her voice to a seductive purr. "And you won't be able to get out of it _next _time, Kurosaki."

"Tch, fine. Not like I'm scared of your great-grandmother or anything!"

As if on cue, she stuck her head out the window. "You're leaving?" she whined like a child before ducking out of the window. They could hear her coming down the stairs as quick as possible all the way from where they were standing, making Ichigo cringe.

Peyton had that grin of hers on her face again, making him scowl at nothing and everything in particular.

The front door flung open, and Nanaw shuffled towards them as fast as her elderly feet could carry her.

She promptly flung herself into the arms of her great-granddaughter's boyfriend. "MY HUNK MUFFIN, I SHALL MISS YOU SOOOOO! PLEASE DON'T GO-O-O-OOOO! I HAVEN'T HAD MY ALONE TIME WITH YOU YET!"

Ichigo felt like doing his own little Happy Dance as Peyton's eyes twitched menacingly. "Uhhh...I'll...miss you too, Nanaw."

"And he's gonna _prove _how much he missed you by giving you your alone time ASAP once he gets back!" Peyton added, making him pretend to strangle her when she was the only one looking.

She just mouthed "Love you too" and giggled. _Dammit, Peyton, you suck._ Nanaw looked up at him with the same gasp his dad always did, making his temple throb. _Well, I'll be damned. Dad's habits are spreading._

"Really, Ichigo? You mean it?"

Peyton doubled over with laughter at his expression as he gritted his teeth, faking a huge smile. "...Yeah. Yeah, I totally do."

She hugged him even tighter, and he groaned weakly. That's when Peyton sunk to the ground, holding her abdomen as she laughed uncontrollably. "AWWWWW! THAT'S SO SWEET OF YOU, MY SPRY YOUNG HUNK MUFFIN!"

Peyton calmed down around the time Nanaw finally let him go, and her temple throbbed as she blew him a kiss before heading back inside.

"...Oh, I'll miss ya too, Nanaw. Really. Oh, don't cry, it'll sadden me."

Nanaw waved her off. "Ehhh, don't get my Hunk Muffin killed when it's your turn to drive, Peyton." Her right eye twitched menacingly again. "...I drive just fine, thank you."

Everyone doubled over with laughter at that one, and her temple throbbed so big it was nearly covering her whole head and face.

"DAMMIT, YA'ALL, STOP LAUGHIN'!"

Of course, everyone was so busy laughing (or in Peyton's case, shouting her head off) that they didn't see Isshin Kurosaki sneak into the trunk of Dad's car, nor did they hear him shout "SUCCESS! Ichigo's bag...is...INFILTRATED!"

_**

* * *

**_

_**ROUGHLY ****SEVENTEEN HOURS LATER...**_

Peyton was staring out the plane's window when she was poked on the shoulder, successfully scaring the living crap out of her.

"...Yes, Ichigo? What can I do for you?"

He grinned. "Seth's asleep. We're almost there. And we're about a mile high. Whaddaya say we..."

Peyton huffed and folded her arms across her chest. "Is that all you think about? Jeez, we've been on this plane for more than half a day, and I've got jetlag out the yin-yang! The _last_ thing I feel is hot. So try and keep it in your pants for a day or two, it won't kill ya."

Her temple throbbed as she realized he'd been looking at her chest the whole time. Okay, so maybe she sort of deserved that since she knew crossing her arms like that made her boobs rather noticeable.

"...Ichigo? Ichigo. Ichigo-fricking-Kurosaki. ICHIGO!"

"Huh, what?"

Peyton sighed tiredly, rubbing her temple. "Did you not hear a damn word I said?"

"Not a word. I just heard 'boobs'."

"...Moron, I didn't even _say_ 'boobs'."

"Oh. Well, _I_ heard it."

She sighed again. She knew this would happen, it always happened when they were tired. She'd be moody or hyper, and he'd be even more perverted than usual or grumpy.

Or both.

Sigh.

"So you want to?"

Her jaw dropped rather comically, making him grin. "D-Did you not hear a word I said?"

"We already established that I didn't hear any of it!"

"Yeah, but...my answer should be obvious by now!"

"...So..."

Peyton sighed grudgingly. "Fine."

"YES! LET'S GO!" he exclaimed, unbuckling his seatbelt in record time before grabbing her hand and trying to pull her up.

Which failed epically, since she still had her seatbelt on. "...Dumbass," she muttered, taking as slow and sweet a time as possible unbuckling it.

She nearly lost it when he started growling under his breath, but tried not to laugh for fear of not being able to stop.

Almost before the buckle could even come completely off her lap, she was pulled up by the Lord of the Pervs, and she really DID lose it.

"Shhh, they're gonna know what we're doing if you keep giggling like that!"

"What do _you _care?"

"...Good point."

That got her laughing again, sweatdropping simultaneously at Ichigo's giddy expression. He was practically crying Tears of Manly Joy.

And they weren't even in the bathroom yet!

* * *

They finally _got _in the bathroom (earning a giggle from one of the female flight attendants that passed by at the time), and Ichigo did the honors of locking the door while Peyton did the honors of trying to put the toilet lid down.

Because she had always had a fear of falling down that toilet and plummeting to her death. But she didn't get a chance due to Ichigo having to be the dominant one, as usual, and pinning her against the wall.

Of course, in less than a minute she was getting just as dominant and just as into it. Although, the plane descending kind of ruined it for them.

She pulled away and looked at him uncertainly. "Is...the plane supposed to be landing yet?"

He shrugged. "I dunno. We sure as hell've been on this thing long enough."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be landing in Memphis in less than ten minutes, and there appears to be some turbulence ahead. We ask that you please put all trays and seats in the upright position and keep your seatbelts fastened. Thank you for your cooperation and for choosing Delta Airlines."

"B-B-But we're not done!" Peyton protested as Ichigo let his hands slide out from under her shirt. He grinned and adjusted his own shirt as she reclasped her bra.

"We always have the flight back."

"But...but..._Unnnh_!" she whined, stomping her feet after him. Before they could unlock the door, turbulence hit. "Ohhhh craaaaaap!" they hissed, sliding across the slick floor.

_**SPLASH.**_

"No. No. No no no no NO, I did NOT fall in the toilet, NO!" Peyton practically shouted, temple throbbing menacingly.

Ichigo stared at her for a second as she struggled to free herself. He then promptly laughed his ass off, laughing so hard he fell _on _his ass and started turning red from lack of oxygen.

Peyton's right eye twitched, and a rather demonic aura kicked in. "Ichigo Kurosaki, you better help me off this toilet or so help me, the only action you'll be getting for MONTHS is during video games and road rage!"

He nodded, still laughing as he attempted to stand up. "Alright, alright, fine- CRAP!" he shouted as more turbulence hit, making him stumble and ram right into her, sitting on her lap.

On the toilet.

While she was stuck.

"You do realize that this would be infinitely awkward with anyone else, right?" Peyton asked dully.

Ichigo made a clicking noise with his tongue. "Yeeeep." They looked at each other, then burst into uncontrollable laughter.

"I think they might be in here, we heard a couple screaming in here just a few seconds ago..." a flight attendant was saying as she unlocked the bathroom door.

Needless to say, the expressions on Peyton's, Seth's, Ichigo's, and the flight attendant's faces were just plain priceless.

"...Sis, I knew you were kinky, but...that's just plain sick."

"SETH, DAMMIT, GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!"

"Well, to be fair, we DID come in here to-"

"Shut up, Ichigo!"


	2. Now Entering Cougar Territory!

**Me: (Tears of Guilt) I...am SO sorry for taking so long! I was having a custody battle over my laptop, basically! ...But now it's back!**

**Carmen and Rukia: (Beaming) And so are we!**

**Ichigo: (Waving pennet that reads "Dude and Highway Author Team FOR THE WIN!" rather sarcastically) Yaaaayy.**

**Rukia: (Sweatdrops) I didn't even know it was possible to wave a flag sarcastically.**

**Me: Yet...I'm not all that surprised.**

**Carmen: (Nods) Oh well. NOW, ON TO THE CAKE!**

**Me: Oh, right! We have our first cake for this fic, given to us by Squee! KOOOON!**

**Kon: COMING, MISTRESS MANDY! (Cake Number One is a giant trophy-shaped cake. On the trophy-bowl part, it has a pic of me, Ichigo, and Rukia. The plaque area says in light purple icing "SQUEE'S FF AUTHOR OF THE YEAR AWARD =3".)**

**Me: Ooooh, lookie, a note!**

**Ichigo: (Grabs it) "Mandy,you have won my cake-shaped award. You rock! -Squee". ...Chyeah right! YOU ROCKING? HAHAHAAHAHAHAHA-**

**Me: (Clocks him with a pole) SHUT YOUR FACE, BLASPHEMER!**

**Rukia: ...Isn't blasphemy-**

**Carmen: (Shakes head) Yes Rukia, but let's not question it.**

**Rukia: Okaaayyy... (Droops)**

**Me: (Ignoring Ichigo's whining and groaning) Well, anyway. Thanks so much for all the reviews, faves, and alerts! I'm glad y'all are loving this so far! Oh, also, I promise I didn't forget Isshin. And no, he has not suffocated in that trunk yet. XD Also, I'd like to thank yukicrewger2 for his review, ideas, OCs, and compliments! Also, congrats on the wedding that'll eventually be held. XD**

**Ichigo: Gah! Another wedding?**

**Rukia: Awww, but you two were so CUTE at that wedding!**

**Ichigo: Yeah, I know... (Droops) How am I supposed to TOP THAT?**

**Isshin: (Bursts through the door) IT SHALL BE QUITE EASY WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR OWN WEDDING, SON! JUST WAIT FOR THE WEDDING NIGHT! (Stars in eyes, sighs dreamily) I bet my first grandchild out of roughly eighteen will be created that night...**

**Ichigo: Mandy, can I-**

**Me: Go ahead.**

**Ichigo: Thanks. (Kicks Isshin in the face out the door) STOP BEING A PERVERT, OLD MAN!**

**Me: (Shakes head slowly as the two start shouting and wrestling about the hot topic of babies) Well, as they engage in a family feud...read, review, en-**

**Rukia: ENJOOOOOY! :D**

* * *

"Peyton?"

"Go away."

"How can I go away?" Ichigo asked with a sweatdrop.

Peyton huffed. "I could shove you out the car door. Or even better, I could scream something random at Seth and make him stomp on the brake, causing you to fly out of your seat and through the windshield. And then I'd laugh. And then I'd be happy."

"Might be hard, seeing as I have my seatbelt on."

"Minor details."

"Are y'all breaking up back there?" Seth asked innocently.

Peyton's temple throbbed. "Are you dad now or what? I thought you _liked _me and Ichigo being together."

"I don't _like_ it, I just don't _care_."

The two exchanged a look before smirking at her brother. "...Uh-huh." Ichigo tried to put his arm around her, and she leaned forward rather exaggeratedly to dodge it. He sighed exasperatedly. "Are you still mad for that bathroom thing?"

"I still smell like toilet water, the flight attendant said to another attendant that she was putting our story on some Mile High Club Failblog website, and I could've _easily _gotten flushed into the atmosphere and plummeted to my death. So in a word, YES!"

"It's not MY fault we had turbulence!"

"If you hadn't practically _begged_ me to screw around in the bathroom, none of it would've happened."

"I didn't beg you, and you know it."

"You persuaded me. Which is a suave and fancy way of BEGGING."

He grinned down at her. "Not _my_ fault you can't resist me."

She glared up at him. "You just _want_ me to bite you, huh?"

"Why not, _he_ already left a bite mark on _you_!" Seth commented from the front.

The other two turned bright red, and Ichigo laughed nervously. "What the hell would give you _that_ idea?"

"Because I highly doubt Peyton could bend enough to bite _herself_ on the shoulder."

Ichigo's temple throbbed, and he looked at Peyton. "How the hell'd he see it?" he hissed.

"Don't ask, _please_ don't ask," she muttered, hiding her face with her hands and shaking her head. Less than ten minutes in the car with these dumbasses and she was already getting a headache.

And she'd be _stuck_ with one of those dumbasses for who-knows-how-many days! _Well, to be fair, you DID drag yourself into this...Dammit, Peyton, why're you so stupid?_

"Are we _annoying you_, sis?" Seth asked in an innocent tone. She growled in response, crossing her arms and sinking low in her seat.

Before she could reply, they were swiftly approaching their block. Peyton and Seth both started unconsciously bouncing in their seats, making Ichigo sweatdrop.

"..._Man_, you two're related." They ignored him, pulling into a driveway leading to a normal-looking beige-ish house with a recently-lawnmoed green lawn.

Seth pointed to a long crack running down the driveway, making Peyton sigh. "_Here_ we go..."

"See that crack, Ichigo? Peyton did that with her head when she fell off my bike, I swear to God."

"Seth, that's not possible, I've only told you eighty bazillion times!"

Ichigo smirked. "I can believe it. Easily."

Peyton's temple throbbed. "Good thing I didn't ask you, then."

He rolled his eyes, playing with her hair. "C'mooon, you can't be mad at me forever."

"Oh, I can't?"

He waited until Seth was by the trunk, then kissed her when he wasn't looking. "Nope."

Peyton huffed when he pulled away, sinking even lower into her seat. "Dammit. I hate it when you're right, but I hate it even _more_ when you use my own tricks against me. It's _my_ job to kiss you into defeat!"

"Better find a new job."

"Both of you get a room!" Seth called out from behind them, making both their temples throb. Peyton may have been mad at her idiot of a boyfriend, but that didn't mean she wanted her even more idiotic brother ruining the moment every five minutes.

As always, Aunt Kate was the first to greet them. She was always the first to know when someone showed up. She stuck her head out the front door, saw Seth, and grinned. "Well, hiya!"

"'Sup, Aunt Kate!"

"Got enough luggage?" she asked with a cocked eyebrow as Seth lifted his third suitcase out of the trunk with a groan.

Peyton and Ichigo sweatdropped. "Peyton, no offense, but your brother can be a real chick when it comes to his stuff."

"Tell me about it. I think I got some of the guy genes of the family."

"Thankfully."

She grinned at that one, and was about to kiss him when Kate saw them. She knew they'd been spotted because her aunt gasped all excited-like. "IT'S MY GODBABY! ...AND HER BOYFRIEND!"

Seth's temple throbbed. "...Glad you gave us all equal enthusiasm. Good to know you don't pick faves."

Kate waved him off as she power-walked down the driveway. "She's my godchild, I'm _supposed_ to pick her as a favorite." Peyton hopped out and hugged her, and Aunt Kate smiled. "Good to see ya, kiddo."

"Same. Hey, is everyone else here?" she asked somewhat worriedly, fearing for Ichigo.

"Yep!"

Peyton groaned, striking the Ultimate Depression Pose. "_Including _Grandma?"

"Where _else _would she be? It's her house," her aunt asked, seeming extremely amused.

Peyton counted them off on her fingers. "Hmm, let's see. Shopping, movies, eating out, getting gardening supplies, racing another car in traffic..." she trailed off as Ichigo started grinning. "...What?"

He shook his head. "Nothing, I just got this weird mental image of you as an old woman racing a Ferrari in the next lane."

Aunt Kate laughed, giving him a fist-bump. "I could see that too!"

Peyton drooped again. "...She's gonna kill me for not seeing her in so long, isn't she?"

"Only a little."

Seth sweatdropped. "That's possible?"

"Anything's possible in the South, boy! Y'all have been gone waaaay too long," Aunt Kate said with a laugh, walking with Seth and kicking him in the ass every other step.

"Dammit, Aunt Kate!"

"C'mooon, sweetie, I've done that to you since you could walk! Remember? You were always wearing either your John Tavolta pants or your Ghostbusters uniform, both of which were too long for your short little legs."

"Yeah, and you kicking me while I was trying to walk's the reason I couldn't walk straight until I was almost two!"

Ichigo sweatdropped as he stood by Peyton, who was grinning and shaking her head. "Yeah. That settles it. It's definitely hereditary."

_**

* * *

**_

_**MEANWHILE****...**_

"Hurry up! ...E-Ehh, I mean, hurry up Captain. Please," Matsumoto added cheerfully at the deadly look on Toshiro's face.

His eyebrow continued twitching angrily. "Rangiku, so help me, you better do your paperwork like you promised."

"I will! ...I just wanna see Seth off since we won't see him for a while, is all."

"No you don't. You just want to make sure Ichigo and Peyton come straight back like they said they would," he corrected matter-of-factly.

Matsumoto paused thoughtfully, then pouted. "Don't make me sound so cold! ...I still wanna at least make sure Seth doesn't die in a car accident or something."

Her captain sweatdropped, sighed, and shook his head. "Well, at least you care."

"That's what I keep telling you!"

Toshiro sighed and shook his head again, but then noticed a breeze fly past him that wasn't caused by his Shinigami robes.

"...Rangiku, did you feel that?"

"Oh, that breeze? That was probably caused by Rukia, she's _really _hauling ass," Matsumoto replied, pointing up ahead at the tiny Soul Reaper zooming ahead of them.

"RUKIA!" they both shouted, making her skid to a stop. She nodded in acknowledgement; she had a bundle in her hand, which had a bunny ear poking out of it. "Sorry, but I cannot stay and chat. I HAVE A CONVENTION TO CATCH!"

The two exchanged a look. "...Convention?"

Toshiro sweatdropped. "...There's only one convention Rukia Kuchiki could be hellbent on attending."

They both shuddered before saying in horrified unison, "...Chappy CONVENTION?"

Matsumoto held up a hand, cupping it around her mouth to shout at Kuchiki. "IS IT IN TENNESSEE?"

"NO! SAN DIEGO!"

Matsumoto and Toshiro sighed with relief. "...Good thing Peyton's not going THERE!"

_**

* * *

**_

_**MEANWHILE****...**_

Peyton looked at Ichigo grimly. "You ready?"

He scoffed. "How bad could they be, huh?"

She just laughed and shook her head. "Now entering Cougar Territory..."

"Wait, WHAT?"

"Oh, but you said you were ready," she said innocently, grabbing his hand and opening the door.

"Technically, I never said I was-"

"WELCOME BA-ACK!" Aunt Jennifer and Aunt Lynn greeted, hugging them both. Uncle Steven and Uncle Rob nodded in acknowledgement as Peyton and Ichigo struggled to breathe.

"H-Hi guys," Peyton managed to choke out. Seth rolled his eyes and went to deposit his luggage in the spare bedroom.

The house Peyton, her siblings, and her parents had lived in had been sold. Hence why Seth was staying at their Grandma's until school started up. Then he'd be getting a dorm at the University of Memphis. Her Aunts finally relinquished their grip, and the two teens sighed in relief.

"It's so good to see y'all again!" Aunt Jennifer said cheerfully. Peyton's temple throbbed as Lynn looked Ichigo up and down. "_Very _good."

Her temple throbbed even more when Aunt Jennifer fingered his hair. "Your hair looks longer! It looks _great_!"

Rob crossed his arms and huffed. "How come when _I _said I wanted to grow my hair out, you said that was for creeps?"

"Sweetie, I meant creeps with _your bone structure_! Ichigo here has different structure entirely!"

Peyton's temple was threatening to throb right off her forehead as she said simply, "Where's Grandma?"

"I'm IN HEEEERE!" she called out from the den, and Peyton dragged Ichigo with her.

"Cooo-miiing!"

"Thank you," he said with a sigh of relief. Peyton laughed. "Ha! You think we're heading for safety? That's cute, Kurosaki, real cute." Her grandmother was sitting on the couch watching "Two and a Half Men" in her blue robe with snowmen on it. Just like she did the last time Peyton had been here.

"...She knows it's almost half a year before Christmas, right?" Ichigo asked in her ear.

"Yeah, 'course she does. What's your point?"

"Just checking."

"Howdy, stranger!" Grandma exclaimed with mock anger.

Peyton beamed and bent to hug her. "Hiya! Long time no see!"

"Chyeah, tell me about it! Who's that downright _handsome_ young man you have with you?"

"Oh, that's Ichigo. My boyfriend."

Grandma poked her head out beside Peyton, making her and Ichigo sweatdrop. "BOYFRIEND, you say?" She gave him a full-on eye inspection, then looked at her granddaughter. "...Do all the men in Karakura Town look like this?"

"Not even close," they said in unison, making Grandma laugh.

"Well I'll be durned! Nice _job_, sweetie! Oh, where're my manners, welcome to Tennessee, Ichigo!"

"Thanks, ma'am."

Seth nudged Rob as they headed towards the porch. "See? Toldya, Peyton's totally rubbed off on him. Not as bad as he's rubbed off on her, though."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. You should see the new habits she has!"

Peyton's temple throbbed, but just shook her head. After a few more minutes of talking with the females (which was just _soooo fuuuunn_), Ichigo and Peyton snuck outside to sit on the porch beside Seth while Rob and Steven smoked.

"Y'all better get outta here quick," Rob commented after a few minutes of talking about the things Peyton was comfortable with- dirty jokes and idiotic observations.

"Why?" Ichigo asked.

Steven let out a steady puff of smoke before holding up his Malboros. "Cigarette?"

They all shook their heads, and he stuffed them back in his coat. "Oh, I'm sure they'll be trying the Infamous Cullen Women Puppy-Dog Look on y'all soon."

"The WHAT?" Ichigo asked.

They all looked at Peyton, who sighed and shook her head. "Ichigo, they're right. If you think MY looks are convincing...I'm the amateur in my family when it comes to persuasion!"

He paled. "...I didn't think that was possible..."

Rob laughed. "Oh, it's possible. How do you think Lynn got me to propose to her without her ever mentioning it outright?"

Seth laughed too, shaking his head. "Y'all are so screwed! Hahahahaha!"

_**

* * *

**_

_**HOURS ****LATER...**_

"...And sure enough, what'd he do? He ended up getting a rock to the head!"

Peyton rolled her eyes. "Technically speaking, it was a rock engulfed in snow!"

Seth rolled _his _eyes. "So? It still hurt like hell!"

"More like it was _funny_ as hell!" Rob replied, making the others laugh again. As the laughter died down, Aunt Lynn pouted at Peyton and Ichigo. "Do y'all HAVE to go?"

There was a silence as the two exchanged a look before nodding quickly. "Sorry, but yeah, we do. We've got less than a week to get to San Diego."

She waved them off. "Aww, c'mon now! San Diego'll be there for a while, but _we _might not be!"

Ichigo sweatdropped. "...She really just used the We're-Gonna-Die-Sooner-Than-You-Think Card?" he asked quietly.

"Yeeep."

"Damn, and I thought _your_ guilt trips were bad."

They both stood quickly, slipping on their shoes. "W-Well, uh, we'd _love _to stay, but we should probably get going."

"But it's dark out! What if you crash?" Jennifer demanded to know.

Peyton shrugged. "We both have our licenses, we're good drivers." Seth held his stomach and started laughing uncontrollably, making everyone look at him. He cut himself off quickly, clearing his throat. "Uh...sorry. Couldn't help it."

She rolled her eyes. "Well, ICHIGO is a good driver. I'll catch y'all later, I promise!"

The women started whining, while the men grabbed their beers (and Seth grabbed his Coke) and ducked out onto the porch.

Peyton pushed Ichigo along in front of her as he tried to look back. "I assure you, they're fine, DON'T LOOK BACK!"

Too late. They'd widened their bright hazel, green, and brown eyes at them. "Pleeeease?" they asked in whiny child-like voices.

Ichigo gulped and looked at Peyton, whose hand was clutching the front door's knob. "...I...I...Peyton?"

_**

* * *

**_

_**THREE ****MINUTES LATER...**_

"Dammit."

"We fell for it, didn't we?"

"Little bit. I told you not to look back, you NEVER look a Cullen woman in the eyes once she starts whining! ...Unless it's me. I love it when you do that."

They exchanged a sigh of defeat and sunk even lower into the couch as Lynn and Jennifer continued to explain "Will and Grace" to them as if Peyton and Ichigo were extremely interested.

Suddenly, Lynn stopped mid-sentence to tap her chin innocently. "Hmmm...oh, look at the time! It's _way _past our bedtimes!"

Ichigo sweatdropped. "...It's eight thirty."

She sighed thoughtfully. "Well, Peyton can have the couch, Seth's got the spare bed...but where on EARTH is _Ichigo _gonna sleep?"

"There's another couch-"

"OH! I KNOW! HE CAN SLEEP ON THE FLOOR OF MY ROOM!"

"U-Uhhh, I don't think that'd work," Ichigo said, glancing at Peyton's death glare she was directing at her Aunt.

Lynn pouted. "Oh, you don't like sleeping on the floor? In that case, you can sleep in the bed!"

"Where the hell's your _husband _gonna sleep?" Peyton asked, temple threatening to throb right off again.

"He won't mind the floor."

She jumped up, waving her arms spastically in an Pissed Girlfriend Wet Noodle Dance. "THAT'S IT, YOU WANNA G-"

Ichigo cut Peyton off by putting an arm around her shoulders, laughing anxiously. "I-I'm fine with sleeping in here. Really. _Very _fine."

Peyton beamed, and Lynn sighed grudgingly. "Fiiiine..."

Jennifer and Grandma sweatdropped. "...Lynn, honey, you would've gone to jail anyways. He's not even eighteen."

"Well JERRY LEE LEWIS married his-"

"THAT WAS ARKANSAS!"

"...Oh. Right. We're Tennessee. We're different."

Peyton sweatdropped. "Different's _one word _for it."

**_

* * *

_**

**_MEANWHILE..._**

"Rangiku?"

"Yeees, Captain?"

"We've been sitting here for hours," he informed her as they continued to squat on the branch. He had never liked squatting, and was actually really surprised Matsumoto had been in that position this long.

She huffed. "We have to be sure! ...Although, I'd really rather be sure in a hotel."

"Let's do that, then. We can find an empty room and stay there for free if we remain in our Soul Reaper forms."

"Very true! This is why you're Captain, you're so intelligent!"

"...You're still doing that paperwork."

Matsumoto huffed in defeat as they jumped out of the tree and started walking for the nearest hotel, but then they noticed Seth's trunk was moving. "...Is it possible his trunk contains a...Hollow of some sort?" she asked slowly.

Toshiro sweatdropped. "Not unless Isshin Kurosaki is considered a Hollow," he replied as they heard the man shout "SUCCESS! NOW BREATHING REGULARLY!"

Matsumoto giggled and shook her head. "Ichigo and Peyton better be coming back home. Or else they're in for one hell of a drive."

**_

* * *

_**

**_MEANWHILE..._**

Peyton's head swiveled to look at Ichigo. "Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"It sounded like...kinda...kinda like your dad. Shouting something about success and breathing."

They stared at each other for a second, then shook their heads quickly. "No. No. NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT, NO WAY!"

"That's ridiculous, right Peyton?"

"Totally ridiculous! Preposterous, even! Your father would never do something like that!"

They both sunk low in the couch again, drooping comically. "...Yeah he would..."

"What's _wrong_, you guys?" Lynn asked with that sultry-yet-worried tone of hers.

Their temples throbbed as she looked at Ichigo with widened hazel eyes. "...NOTHING."


	3. Burger King & A New Sprinkler System!

****

Me: (Holding my new trophy courtesy of Squee) BACK!

**Ichigo: (Fiddling with Isshin's new trophy courtesy of hollownature) Hmmm. Should I give this to him or not?**

**Me: (Death glare) YES, you will! WE ALWAYS UPHOLD OUR REVIEWER'S WISHES! ...Unless they wish main character death or something like that. Y'know, something I don't have planned at the moment.**

**Ichigo: Main character death? YOU BETTER NOT HAVE THAT PLANNED AT ALL!**

**Me: Depends on how much of an asshole you are. MUAHAHAHAHA!**

**Rukia: (Eyeroll) Since Mandy's doomed to forget-**

**Carmen: I WANNA SAY IT! (Clears throat) Ahem. WE MEAN NO OFFENSE TO ANY RACE GROUP WITH THE CONTENTS OF THIS CHAPP. IT WAS MADE STRICTLY FOR HUMOROUS PURPOSES. ANY FLAMES _WILL_BE SINCERELY LAUGHED AT! **

**Me: (Claps) Well said, Ms. SanDiego. Now that THAT'S over with... read. Review. **

**Rukia: ENJOOOOY! :D**

* * *

"Peyton?"

She huffed, crossing her arms as she continued to look up at the ceiling. She was currently laying on the couch on her back, while Ichigo was on the loveseat with a third of his legs dangling off rather comically. There were at least five identifiable snores verberating off the walls from various rooms in the house. One of which was her grandfather's, who had gotten home only an hour or two ago and had almost immediately like Ichigo for letting Peyton have the bigger couch while he suffered.

Even though the dumbass totally deserved it for not listening to her and just NOT LOOKING BACK when her DAMN FEMALE RELATIVES started whining!

"YES, Ichigo?"

"Shhh, keep your voice down before they hear!"

Peyton couldn't help but grin at how secretive he was being. "...Sooo-rryyy. What?"

"We could always sneak out."

She paused, then shot straight up. "...Ichigo?"

"Huh?"

"I love you. You're so smart!" she whispered as she hopped up and grabbed her shoes. Ichigo grinned, putting on his shoes as well. "I know, I know."

They were almost completely out the door when Peyton suddenly realized something. She tapped his shoulder repeatedly, making his temple throb as he slowly turned around to look at her. "...WHAT?" he stage-whispered.

Peyton sighed. "...Seth has the keys still." His face fell, just like hers had, and she nodded. "Yeah, my sentiments exactly. C'mon, he's a heavy sleeper, it _should_ be easy."

"Famous last words," he muttered as he crept after her. If it weren't a dire situation, Peyton would've laughed at how funny they both looked. They were literally walking on their tip-toes, creeping along just like in the cartoons.

An extra-loud snore made them both jump, and with a collective sigh they kept going. Peyton slowly opened Seth's door, and they both promptly shouted in surprise.

He was still awake, listening to his iPod and dancing while reading some random sports magazine. Ichigo and Peyton sweatdropped rather heavily, and tried to get his attention. After three failed attempts at waving their arms and hissing his name, Ichigo held up a vase. He paused, both of them watching with major sweatdrops as he struck weird poses and lip-synched to what appeared to be some Lady Gaga song.

"Permission to throw this at your creepy brother?"

Peyton sweatdropped. "You honestly think I'd say _no_?"

He shrugged. "Good enough for me." With that, he launched it at her brother like a football, and it hit him right in the head. "GAH!" Seth exclaimed before falling to the ground, knocked unconscious. The vase was totally unharmed, and rolled along the floor, stopping at the foot of the nearest dresser.

They both sweatdropped yet again, and Peyton slowly grabbed the keys (she had just realized with a facepalm that they'd been on the dresser and up for grabs the whole time).

She looked at Ichigo, who blinked at her innocently. She just sighed and shook her head, and they slowly backed out of the room before running for Seth's car. They slunk through the yard, and barrel-rolled when they heard a cat yowling, mistaking it for Aunt Lynn.

Finally, they made it to the car, and Ichigo hissed "KEYS!".

"Why can't _I_ drive?" she asked.

"'Cause I wanna make it out of here ALIVE."

She pouted at him, tossing the keys across the roof of the car before getting in the passenger's seat. He caught them and started the engine, pulling out of the driveway and down the street like a crazy person.

"FREEEEEEEEEE!" they shouted happily, and Peyton sighed with relief. "Ichigo, if we hadn't gotten out when we did, they probably would've convinced us to stay for a whole week there."

He waved her off. "Naaah, I would've been able to say no. No offense, but I'd rather spend my birthday with you rocking out to Social Distortion instead of keeping you from getting in a catfight with Lynn."

"None taken. No offense, but we'd SO be stuck here for a week. Because Ichigo Kurosaki just can NOT resist the Cullen Women's Wiles."

He scoffed. "Can too."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

She just crossed her arms and nodded. "Uh-huh. We'll see." Sure enough, after a few minutes, she tapped his arm. "Yeeees, Peyton?"

"I'm hungry."

"So?"

"I want Burger King."

"Why _Burger King_?" he wondered.

Peyton shrugged. "Because I do!"

"Well, I think you'll live."

"Will not."

"Will so."

"Will _not_!"

"Will _so_!"

"I COULD _STARVE TO DEATH_, ICHIGO!"

"NO YOU COULDN'T, YOU JUST ATE...LIKE...FIVE HOURS AGO!"

"ALMOST SEVEN, ACTUALLY, THANKS VERY MUCH!"

"WHAT ABOUT THAT SWEET TEA?"

"I _DRANK_ THAT, MORON!"

"BUT YOU HAD _FOOD_ WITH IT!"

"SO THEN _WHY_ WOULD YOU MENTION THE SWEET TEA INSTEAD OF JUST SAYING 'WHAT ABOUT THE FOOD YOU HAD _WITH_ THE SWEET TEA EARLIER'?"

"WELL, _EITHER WAY_, I WOULD'VE MENTIONED THE SWEET TEA, SO...NEH."

"NEH."

"NEH."

"NEH."

"NEH NEH NEH NEH _NEH _NEH NEH!"

"NEH NEH NEH NEH NEH NEH NEH NEH NEH NEH NEH _NEEEEEEEEEEEHHHH_!"

They had a mini-stareoff before Peyton said in a dangerous voice, "...Neh."

"NEH NEH NEH NEH-"

"ICHIGO, I'M _HUNGRYYYY_!"

"TOO BAD, WE _JUST_ GOT IN THE CAR!"

She huffed, then widened her brown eyes in a rather adorable fashion. "Pleeeease?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Dammit!" he muttered before starting to look for a Burger King. Peyton laughed gleefully, clapping her hands together twice. "Ahhh, that's so fun! I love my talents!"

Ichigo smirked. "I love _some_ of them. In fact, I think you should refresh my memory on a few. Specifically the ones done while missing some clothing."

She crossed her arms and turned up her nose like a toddler refusing to eat veggies. "Not gonna happen."

"Awww, why!"

"We _just_ got in the car, _remember_?" she replied, mimicking his voice in a rather weird fashion. Ichigo sweatdropped. "Since when have I become _British_?"

"Since now."

"Jeez, were you just not gonna tell me something that important?"

"Nope."

"Fine. I guess _I _just won't tell you whether or not I'll be stopping at a Burger King."

She fumed silently in her seat, then noticed he was about to DARE to pass a Burger King. She had her seatbelt off and her ass in his lap in seconds, grabbing the steering wheel. "DON'T YOU DARE, ICHIGO FRICKING KUROSAKI!"

"ARE YOU INSANE?" he shouted as they cut across traffic, earning a lot of car horns blaring their way and one car swerving into a fire hydrant. They pulled into Burger King not-so-gracefully, and Peyton waited patiently for the person on the intercom to ask them what they wanted.

**"Hayyy, welcome to Buhguh Kang, may I take yo orduh?"**

"...What the hell'd she just say?" Ichigo asked, and she flung her hand backwards into his face. "SHH."

"OW, DAMMIT!"

**"We ain't got Big Macs, those at McDonuhd's! ...Stoopid."**

Peyton's temple throbbed, and Ichigo snickered. "I understood that _last _part." She rammed her knee into his thigh, making him groan, and she clapped her hand over his mouth.

"U-Uhh, sorry ma'am. Can I get a 6-piece chicken nugget meal with fries and a large Dr. Pepper, please?"

**"Any sauce for ya, ma'aum?"**

"Ketchup, please. And, uh...could you make it quick? I wreacked some havoc trying to get here."

**"Some whuuuut?"**

"...I made another car ram into a fire hydrant?"

**"DAAAYUMMM! THAT WAS JYOO?"**

"Yeah."

**"OOOOH, GURL, THAT WAS HILUHRIOUS! I'LL GET YO ORDUH RIGHT OUT, OKAAAY?"**

"Thanks!"

**"Pull on ovuh, that'll be $5.99! Heeheeheeee, Denise! Denise! YO'LL NEVUH GUESS WHAT THIS CHICK JUST DIIIIII-YAAAAD!**" The intercom cut off with some static, and Ichigo sweatdropped for what had to be the eightieth time since the intercom had come on.

Peyton just turned to smile innocently at him. "Hit the gas, please. My legs fell asleep curled up in the seat like this."

He rolled his eyes and did so, and grabbed her hands off the steering wheel. "I think I'LL do the steering for a few minutes."

"Fiiiiine," she muttered with a huff, crossing her arms. Then she sighed and shook her head. "Ichigo, try to control yourself, would ya?"

"What the hell're you talking about?"

"I'm_ talking about _what's poking my ass!"

He turned bright red, and she tried not to laugh and to continue to look annoyed. "...Maybe you shouldn't wriggle like that right on top of me," he muttered in response. She rolled her eyes. "Great, so now your bodily functions are _my _fault?"

"How did you understand any of what she was saying?" he wondered as they pulled into the next window. _Way to change the subject. Typical Ichigo move. _Peyton laughed. "Ichigo, I lived here for fifteen years. I'm kinda used to it."

"I thought you lived in a small town."

"I did. But I still came to Memphis all the time, I went to my grandmomma's almost every weekend for years."

"Ohhhh."

"DENISE, HERE SHE ISSS!" a teenage black girl with her sleek black hair pulled up into the Burger King cap shouted as they pulled up, practically bouncing. Her excitement caused her blunt fringe bangs to fall out of her cap, revealing bright red streaks, and she shoved the bangs out of her eyes agitatedly.

"I like your red," Peyton commented as Ichigo handed her a ten.

She whipped it back again, beaming. "Thanks. $5.99!" Peyton handed the bill off to her, and she took it, leaning over exaggeratedly to wave at Ichigo. "Thanks, gurl. Haaaayyy, how you duuurin'?"

"Say you're aiight," Peyton said under her breath.

"Uh...I'm...'aiight'!" Ichigo said somewhat-confidently, making Peyton hide her mouth behind the back of her hand to keep from laughing too hard at him.

The girl, whose nametag read "Keisha", giggled. "I'd say more than aiight. Boy, you _fiiiiine_! You got chyoself a _dayum _fine man, gurl!"

Peyton nodded. "Yeah, until he starts talkin'."

"But chyoo put him back in place, right?"

"Dayum straight!"

Ichigo's temple throbbed as they laughed at him and Keisha handed her the change. "Y'all have a nice day, pull ovuh to the next winduh. Thanks foe the new sprinkluh on that curb, guuuurl!" she called out, waving as they drove to the next window.

"BAIII!"

Ichigo shook his head slowly as they got their food handed out the drive-thru window. "...Jeez, Peyton, you're more redneck than I thought."

Her temple throbbed after she thanked the dude and Ichigo drove off again. "Fine. See if I share any of my fries with YOU."

_**

* * *

**_

_**LATER****...**_

Keisha was still laughing as she took the next three orders, and it was during the fourth that Denise flagged her down.

"KEISHA, WE GOT A PROBLEM!"

"CAN'T CHYOO SEE I'M WITH A CUSTOMUH? THE HELL'S YO PROBLEM? ...RUUUUDE."

After finishing up that order, she turned to Denise, who grabbed her arm and dragged her over to the security monitor. "What chyoo doin' watchin' the monitor on break when you could be outta heeyuh?" she asked the blonde, shaking her head. "Damn crazy white people."

Denise rolled her eyes, pointing to a car with an open trunk. "Look. You remember that couple you served a few minutes ago?"

"Oooh, yeah! You shoulda seen 'em, they was soooo cute, Denise! He let hur sit in his lap and everythang! And that dude was _hella _fiiiine, MMM!"

Denise sweatdropped. "...I'm sure he was. But anyway, pay close attention to their trunk."

"Yeah, it's open, so whut? Didn't chyoo hear me? They hit that fire hydrant!"

"JUST WATCH, DAMMIT!" Denise shouted, pointing desperately at the screen. They both watched as a random man with spiky jet-black hair, lots of scrapes, and ripped pant legs, limp to catch up to the car as the engine started up again, sliding into the trunk and shutting it carefully as it drove off.

They exchanged a look, and Kiesha sighed and shook her head. "...They were a nice couple. I hope they enjoyed their last meal. GIVEN BY YO'S TRULY!"

Denise sweatdropped as she did a little happy dance before putting on her headphone set and taking another order. "...That's...the spirit?"


	4. Comfort Inn & Licks

**Me: (Surrounded by balloons and such) HIYA EVERYONE!**

**Rukia: Well, we've got pervy hilariousness in this one.**

**Me: IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! **

**Ichigo: Yay. We can celebrate the fact that the woman destined to make my life a living hell was born today fifteen years ago.**

**Me: Awww, you called me a woman, how sweet!**

**Rukia: (Eyeroll) Well, anyway.**

**Me: Oh, right. I'll get the cakes up for last chapp AND the ones I might get for this chapp up on the next update, since I'm almost out of time. My curfew's over in a little while, and I have exam prep tomorrow so I need all the energy I can get. So, without further delay, THE NEXT CHAPP!**

**Ichigo: So read-**

**Me: REVIEW-**

**Rukia: Aaaaand ENJOOOOY! :D**

**Me: OH! And credit goes to dgj212 for the lick idea! :D**

* * *

Peyton had had a nightmare about _literally _waking up with The King from Burger King. She jolted awake around the part where Ichigo and The King got into a fight over her; Ichigo had just ripped his arm off, and ketchup was spewing everywhere.

Wait, no it wasn't. She was still in Seth's car. She sighed and shook her head quickly, setting the Burger King bag (which she appeared to have been using as a pillow, it was pressed against the window with what looked suspiciously like a drool mark on it) as far away from her as possible.

She shivered a little at the thought of that dream somehow becoming a reality, then shook her head again. "No more sweet tea for _you_," she muttered before glancing around, rubbing her eyes tiredly. "Ichigo?"

He glanced at her. "Oh, you're awake." She nodded and stretched with a yawn. "I didn't know I fell asleep in the first place."

Ichigo sweatdropped. "Weird, considering you nearly caused me to wreck, AGAIN, when you jumped out of my lap and shouted you were tired and taking a nap."

She sniffed importantly and turned her nose up at him before facing the window; on the inside, she was flushing with embarrassment. She seriously didn't remember that.

"...I don't recall such an incident."

He just smirked and shook his head, and she looked out the window curiously. "Where are we?"

"Um...I think we're innnn...Oklahoma."

Peyton sweatdropped as they passed a sign that informed them they were somewhere in Arkansas. "...Not even close, dude."

He drooped. "Wishful thinking..." She just smiled and shook her head, pulling out the directions Google Maps had been kind enough to give them.

"Wellll...so I guess we're on I-40 West now, right?"

"Yep."

"Good, you haven't gotten us totally lost so far. I'm so proud of you!"

"Hey, _I _paid for your Burger King," he pointed out importantly. She shuddered, doing a Mini-Traumatized-Wet-Noodle-Dance in her seat. "Don't mention the word 'King'...I beg of you..."

He sweatdropped. "...You're so weird."

"I DON'T _WANNA _WAKE UP NEXT TO THE KING, IS THAT A CRIME?" she shouted before yawning and hiccuping at the same time, making him sweatdrop yet again.

"...SO weird."

She rubbed her chest with a pained expression. "Owwwww..."

"Is it absolutely necessary to groan and rub your chest like that?"

Peyton smirked at him before squeezing her arms underneath her chest much like Matsumoto did. "Oh YEEEEESSS, yes it is, ICHIGOOOO," she practically moaned. He nearly swerved off the road, making her laugh uncontrollably as a car honked at him.

"I'm gonna kill you by the end of this trip, I just _know _I am," he muttered to himself, temple throbbing.

"Aww, I'll make it up to you."

He perked up almost instantly at that. "R-Really? How?"

"Oh, you'll see."

* * *

After about an hour of Ichigo making random guesses, then another hour of them turning the radio tuner dial in opposite directions JUST to piss the other one off, and then yet ANOTHER hour or so of them trying to find out why they were so lost before realizing Peyton had the map upside-down the whole time, Ichigo looked rather tired.

She slowly set the map right-side-up, blinking innocently. "Maybe if you hadn't HANDED THEM to me like that..."

He sighed exasperatedly, and she stuck her tongue out at him. "Hey. Want me to drive? You look _exhausted_."

"No, I'd rather be alive than resting for a few hours."

Her temple throbbed, and she slouched in her seat, leaning it back. "Stubborn ass."

"You know you love me for it."

"More like I love you IN SPITE OF IT." He stuck his tongue out at her in reply, and she just huffed and folded her arms. She stared at him intently for the next seven minutes, psychologically willing him to give in.

Finally, she sighed and smacked him upside the head. "LEMME DRIVE FOR YOU, ALREADY!"

"I got a better idea," he said suddenly before swerving onto the next exit. Peyton spastically grabbed the little handle on the ceiling of the car as if her life depended on it. "THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

"Pulling over for the night."

"Ichigo, it's four in the morning."

"Okay, pulling over for a bit of the day then."

"OR you could just lemme drive."

"We're lucky you can drive in _daylight_!"

She huffed, crossing her arms. "Not even my own _boyfriend _trusts me at the wheel," she muttered dejectedly, Puppy-Dog Pouting and everything.

Ichigo just sweatdropped as he pulled into a Comfort Inn. "Is that supposed to have some sort of effect on me?"

Her temple throbbed, and she made a huge show of unbuckling her seat belt and dramatically exiting the car. "WELL then!"

The Comfort Inn was of pretty good size on the outside, with beige stucco-esque walls and maroon-slash-dark-red-or-whatever-the-hell-color-it-was piping and gutters. She was almost to the front doors when Ichigo ran up from behind her and slung her over his shoulder Sack of Potatoes Style.

"Ichigooo," she whined, but the rest of whatever she was going to say was overpowered by the power of her giggling.

When they got in there, they nearly missed the front desk. It was practically one with the wall, not jutting out in the slightest way. It appeared to be made of laminated wood, and "Comfort INN" was written in gold along with the hotel chain's logo on the marble wall strip behind the front desk.

There was a girl there with sandy blonde hair, cleaning her turquoise glasses. She heard Peyton's giggling and put her glasses back on before blinking a couple times as if not quite sure she was seeing correctly.

"Hey there. Could we get a room for the night?" Ichigo asked casually as if he didn't have a small redhead over his shoulder.

"Part of the morning, it's four am," Peyton corrected.

"WhatEVER, it's the same thing practically!" he replied, smacking her legs. She just giggled some more, and the girl behind the desk smiled slightly as she typed in some stuff on the computer.

"Sure. How many beds?"

"One," they said in unison. A guy with a cool black faux-hawk popped his head out of the door to the right behind the front desk, eyebrows raised. He was obviously gay; his eyebrows were perfectly plucked and his clothes were nice and completely orderly. Of course, his _voice _removed all doubt from Peyton's mind.

"Ooooh, don'tchya just love it when the horny kids check in for the night, Courtney?" _Yep, definitely gay._

Courtney chuckled, while Peyton and Ichigo exchanged a shrug. They _were _right, after all. She slid the room key over the counter, and Ichigo took it.

"You need a cart for that luggage?"Gay Guy asked. Ichigo chuckled, and Peyton grinned at him as they left. "YOU'RE FUNNY!" she said with a giggle.

"Jeez, I'd hate to see you drunk, Peyton."

"I know, right? And I can't really walk in a straight line when I'm sober, so I'd be REALLY screwed if I got drunk!" she said before hiccuping. That made her giggle, and she giggled even harder as Ichigo made a weird face once hearing the elevator music was full of banjos.

"...Oh. I forgot I was still in the South."

"Hehehehe!"

* * *

By the time the elevator arrived at their floor, Peyton was dead silent and almost completely unconscious.

Ichigo shook his head. "Good thing you're with a guy like me. You'd be the cheapest date ever, you know that?"

"HEY! ...Yeah, you're probably right. Roofies wouldn't even be necessary," she said with a long yawn.

She stopped mid-yawn as they heard moaning noises from two rooms almost right across from each other. They tried not to laugh; they sure knew what caused THOSE noises.

"Don't get any ideas," she muttered, making Ichigo droop before laughing nervously. "I-Ideas? No way! I wouldn't...do...that..."

She rolled her eyes as they reached their room number. "Just unlock the door already." He did so, and set her down at her request. She looked around the room briefly while waiting for Ichigo to get out of the bathroom.

The bed was king-sized with gold sheets and a gold comforter, and looooots of pillows. There was a whole bunch of other crap they didn't need in there, like a tv and a mini-fridge. And a dresser, and a mirror, and a desk, a nightstand...Peyton sighed and shook his head.

He WOULD pay for all that.

When he finally opened the door, she practically ran him over. "YES! THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!"

Ichigo sweatdropped. "...Didya have to use the bathroom?"

"YESSS," she called out from the other side.

"...Oh. Couldn't tell."

"It's 'cause I'm so casual and aloof and- OHMIGOD, ICHIGO, LOOK AT THE SHOWER HEAD! IT'S SO COOOOOOL!"

He rolled his eyes, grinning despite himself. As long as she was happy. ...That increased HIS chances of being happy also, so it was like a twofer.

After washing her hands, she got out and saw Ichigo peering in the mini-fridge. She waved off his search. "You might as well wait until they start serving breakfast. That stuff costs when the breakfast is free, AND it's not as good as waffles."

He poked his head back out at that. "WAFFLES, you say?"

"WAFFLES, I said."

"I'm in." She laughed and stretched with her eyes closed, sitting on the edge of the bed. "I figured you would be." Her eyes were still closed when she felt his hands on her shoulders, and she opened one of the aforementioned eyes suspiciously.

"What're you doing _now_?"

"Nothing much," he said simply, rubbing her shoulders. Peyton sighed contentedly, letting him slip her jacket off. Anything for his hands to get closer to her skin.

"Ichigo?"

"Huh."

"How long were you driving before we pulled over, anyways?"

"Hmm...I dunno...maybe five hours?"

"Where are we? Besides Arkansas, I mean."

"North Little Rock."

"Oh, gotchy-AAAA," she said, moaning mid-sentence as his hands, which had been under her shirt to get to her shoulders, moved a bit further south than her shoulders. He started laughing, and she glared up at him half-heartedly. "You pervert."

"Being a pervert's healthy for ya!"

"How the hell do you figure that?" she asked, closing her eyes again as he slid her shirt off and her bra straps down, exposing just about all of her shoulders that was possible.

"If you're not a pervert, you haven't gone through puberty yet. And if you're at or past the age of sixteen and haven't gotten puberty yet, something's wrong with you."

"Lindsay would kill you if you said that. Justin Beiber apparently hasn't hit puberty yet."

"In that case, Orihime would probably kill me too."

"Probably."

"I thought you like to call him 'Justine'?"

"I do. For some reason, a masculine form of the name came out. Odd."

"Truly puzzling. ...You know what's even MORE puzzling?" he asked right against her ear. She shivered a little. "W-What?"

"How much I want you right now," he replied.

She opened her eyes to roll them at him. "That's not puzzling at all!" Ichigo's articulate reply came in the form of kissing her once, twice, three times.

Peyton kissed him back, of course, but couldn't keep herself from sighing tiredly and pulling away when his fingers found her bra clasp. "C'moooon, I'm tired."

He sweatdropped. "Wait, wait, WAIT...so you can just do this to me whenever you please, but I have to call it off on account of you being tired?"

"Hey, I don't have the advantage of being a Soul Reaper, I don't bounce back just like _that_!" she replied, snapping her fingers for emphasis on the word "that".

"I don't recover THAT fast."

"Yes, you DO, Mr. Bankai!"

"You do _too_! You come, like, four times a night when we do it!"

She sighed, mortified on the inside. _I **so **don't wanna be talking about orgasms right now.._. "...Ichigo, I didn't want it to come to this, but it's time I tell you. Sometimes...I fake it."

He paled as if she'd just told him she had cancer. "...W-WHAT?"

"It's nothing personal! It's just...I know the sounds turn you on, and I'm just so tired that I try to get it over with as quick as possible, and...yeah," she explained oh-so-articulately. Peyton wished she could disappear off the face of the earth at the moment. It was still at least slightly embarrassing talking about their sex in general without bringing something like THAT into it.

He drooped, lines of depression forming in the background. "...I feel so inferior..."

She sighed exasperatedly. "Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't fake it if I weren't so tired! The actual sex is GREAT, I just...can't recover quick enough sometimes."

He continued to droop before suddenly looking over at her. "Peyton Alicia Cullen, I'm GONNA turn you on."

"I know you can."

"Not just can, I AM GOING TO."

She sighed exasperatedly, but found herself intimidated a little as she backed up towards the head end of the bed as he advanced towards her. "Ichigo, c'mon, you don't haveta-"

"AND YOU SHALL NOT BE FAKING TONIGHT, I KNOW IT! YOU'RE GONNA HAVE THE BEST ORGASM OF YOUR LIFE!"

"ICHIGO DAMN KUROSAKI, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD!" she fumed, hoping against hope the walls weren't very thin. She didn't want anyone hearing this humiliating conversation, it was bad enough being a part of it.

"YOU WILL BE SOON ENOUGH!" he declared, kissing her before she could shout anything back.

_**

* * *

**_

_**THREE ****MINUTES LATER...**_

Okay, so maybe she was into it now. She didn't want to be, though; she was too tired for this! But she just couldn't help it. Everywhere his touch went got hotter almost instantly. Damn hormones.

Her bra was long gone, so was his shirt. His left hand was kneading her left hip, while his right hand was running under her legs before changing course up towards the top of her jeans.

Her own hands weren't exactly staying put either, though; one was on the back of his neck and keeping his mouth as close to hers as possible, and the other was roaming all over but was currently on his back.

She felt excited and hot, but she was still so tired. Peyton was worried that going any further would be risking another Fake Night, so she willed her brain to keep thinking coherent thoughts (which was a lot harder than it sounds) long enough so she could come up with a way to keep that from happening.

Finally, she thought of an idea. A truly terrible, horrible, slightly-cruel idea. If he didn't love her, he'd probably never forgive her for it. That pervert. But that pervertedness is what guaranteed her plan's success.

She pulled away suddenly, breathing heavy. THAT part wasn't fake. "Hey, Ichigo?"

"Yeah?" he asked, holding her eye contact while trying to fumble with the button of her jeans at the same time.

Peyton used the infamous Cullen Women Eye Trick on him, purring in a seductive voice, "...You want a lick?"

His eyes threatened to bulge out of their sockets, and he stared at her as if not believing he'd just heard that. He shook his head quickly. "I-I'm sorry, I think I just hallucinated. What?"

"You heard me. Yes, that really happened."

"W-W-Well, I, uh..."

"Do you, or don't you?"

"YES! ...Uh, I mean...sure, that's cool."

Peyton couldn't help but roll her eyes; what a moron. She played up her eyes again so he wouldn't see her rearing back her fist. She then punched him as hard as possible, and he flew backwards and landed on the floor with a very satisfying _**THUD**_.

She grabbed his shirt, slipped it on, slipped off her jeans, and crawled over to peek off the edge of the bed. He was currently glaring up at her, looking quite dazed.

"...THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!"

"...You said you wanted a lick! You're in the South now, Kurosaki. You should know by now that when I or any other Southerner say "lick," we usually mean an ass-whoopin' or at least punching you as hard as possible."

He stared at her for a second before groaning, letting his head fall against the floor. She couldn't help but giggle a little, and kissed him lightly with an apologetic smile before turning off the light, happy to have the bed all to herself.

"Goodnight!"

"You...any other man would murder you right now..."

"But YOU, for some odd reason, love me for it."

"I LOVE YOU IN SPITE OF IT."

She giggled even more at that one, and he just groaned again. "That sucked..."

Peyton waited until he was asleep, then went to the bathroom before going down to the front desk. Courtney was still there, and seemed to recognize Ichigo's t-shirt, but didn't say a word. Her eyes did all the talking. Peyton cleared her throat. "Um...how much did the room cost?"

"Uhh...I believe it cost around $74."

_SEVENTY-FOUR DOLLARS, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Lemme see...half of that is...is...iss..._

"What's half of seventy-four?" Peyton asked with a sheepish laugh, making Courtney sweatdrop. "Thirty-seven. Why, is there a problem?"

Peyton fumbled in her wallet, and found a fifty, so she gave that to her instead. "Can I have fifty of the seventy-four dollars my boyfriend paid? I wanna pay for it." Courtney looked at her for a few seconds before smiling and digging around in her cash register. "Here you go."

"Thanks, Ma'am," she said cheerfully, taking the money and heading for the elevator. Once she got back in the room, Ichigo was still on the floor. She laughed and shook her head, stuffing the money back in his wallet before tripping over his shoe, which he had kicked off amidst all the action. Temple throbbing, she grabbed him by his arms and pulled him onto the bed and got him under the covers.

"Damn Giant, you're so...fricking..._heavy_," she hissed, sighing with tired relief after completing her mission. She attempted to crawl over him to the other side, but he suddenly sat up and grabbed her by the waist.

"Y-You're awake! Greeeat!" she said cheerfully. Inside, she was cringing. I...am so DEAD.

He gave her a Death Glare, and she gulped. "You're SO gonna pay for that, Cullen." And with that, he tickled her until she almost couldn't breathe.


	5. Hookers & Egoes & Fighting!

**Me: ...I'M SO SO SO SORRY! T_T**

**Ichigo: (Temple throb) Stop apologizing! Every time you do it, you cry a damn river and get everything wet...**

**Carmen: (Snickers) That's what she said.**

**Rukia: ...I believe that is actually what HE said. Ichigo's a guy, after all.**

**Me: (Snickers) Contrary to popular belief!**

**Ichigo: (Hits me with my own mace) JUST GET ON WITH IT! **

**Me: That fucking hurt!**

**Ichigo: SCREW YOU ALL!**

**Kon: (Stage-whispers to Carmen and Rukia) I think he's still a little grumpy after that whole "I-Fake-It-Sometimes" incident.**

**Ichigo: I CAN HEAR YOU, YOU KNOW!**

**Me: (Growls under breath) That can easily be changed.**

**Ichigo: What'd you say?**

**Me: Nothing! ^^ Anyway, sorry it took me so long. I was originally gonna upload this on New Year's as a little gift of mine, but then I got sick AND I thought of a better ending. Hopefully you like aforementioned ending. ANYWAY. ON WITH THE CAKES! KOOOOON!**

**Kon: (Runs off) On it, Mistress Mandy! (Zooms back with Cake Number One. It's from KijoKuroi in honor of my birthday! A 15-layer strawberry birthday cake, with the number 15 as a giant candle on top, and a miniature of me holding a victory piece sign standing on top of it.)**

**Me: And no, it wasn't too confusing :D. ON WITH THE CAKES, KOOOON!**

**Kon: RIGHT! (Cake Number Two is from Morcelink. It's a 24-foot-tall Tensa Zangetsu Cake! Includes awesomesaucenessness/double-triple chocolate/and a very special chocolate chip B-DAY cookie bonus along with note)**

**Me: (Plucks off note and reads) "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!(yes, i know I'm late) I decided you needed a cake of Epic proportions :) ...Oh, and PS: Ichigo, I know what you did to the Beaver." ...Beaver?**

**Ichigo: (Pales) Oh God, I hope she doesn't mean THE Beaver.**

**Rukia and Carmen: (Suspicious) What THE Beaver?**

**Ichigo and Me: N-N-NOTHING! HEHEHEHEHEHEEE...HE...he... KON, ON WITH THE CAKES!**

**Me: (Smacks Ichigo upside the head) That's my job, idiot!**

**Ichigo: (Rubs head) Ow! ...Sorry.**

**Me: Yeah, you should be. KOOOON?**

**Kon: Right here! (Cake Number 3 is ALSO from Morcelink, it's a remake of the last cake. Remade with: Awesomesaucex300, double-triple FUDGE chocolate, a couple of secret ingredients, various colors of icing, and a special ingredient that comes with a huge warning label)**

**Me: (Reads label) "WARNING: if Ichigo or Kon thinks perverted thoughts while eating this, they will not be able to argue for 2 chapters, they will have to tell the truth 24 hours after eating, and I included a note that tells the third consequence. P.S: Don't read the third warning to Ichigo" - Oh, OKAY! KOOOOON! LOWER THE BUBBLE!**

**Ichigo: (Groans and tries to run off) DAMMIT, NOT THAT STUPID-ASS BUBBLEEEE! (Is too late and gets trapped inside a plexiglass-like bubble in which no sound can enter or exit)**

**Me: Much better. (Grins) Now, where was I? Oh, right: "P.S: Don't read the third warning to Ichigo (the warning DOES include the note, so you can read it to everyone), but do read it to Kon and promise lots of pain if he tells Ichigo." (Pauses to glare at Kon) ...LOTS of pain.**

**Kon: (Gulps and nods quickly) Hear ya loud and clear, Mistress Mandy!**

**Me: (Nods importantly) Good boy. Alright. The note. It saaaaays... "The third warning is that Ichigo will be forced to confess about Justin...I still don't get how the hell Ichigo became a ninja..."**

**Rukia and Carmen: You BETTER be talking about him doing something to the Justin from Soul Eater, and NOT our Justin Beiber!**

**Me: Pffftt! Of course that's what we're talking about! ...Jeez. U-Ummm...Review? Read?**

**Carmen: No, no, NO. It's read, THEN review, then-**

**Rukia: (Shouts loud enough to make an avalanche occur on the Alps and the hair blow off Carmen and mine's faces) ENJOOOOOY!**

**Me and Carmen: (Sweatdrop epically) ...Precisely. **

**Me: Oh, and thanks again SO MUCH for all the birthday wishes and such! And RANDOM ANNOUNCEMENT TIME! On January 7th of this year, that's in THREE DAYS for those who (like me) still can't do math after such a long break, I will have been working on "Dude" and it's plot, whatnot, for EXACTLY ONE YEAR! WHOOOO!**

**

* * *

**

Peyton woke up first, which wasn't really surprising. _Considering the rough night **he **had..._ She made a face, feeling guilty just thinking about it. But it was for the good of his self-esteem!

"...How ironic," she muttered to herself before kissing his cheek and rolling over. "Ugh, what time is it? ...Oh come ON," she groaned after realizing how early it was.

Seven o'clock, to be exact. Straight up. Not even the courtesy of a seven o'ONE, for crying out loud!

Peyton huffed, narrowing her eyes at the ceiling. "This is revenge for punching Ichigo last night, ISN'T it?" she growled before sitting up, swinging her legs over the side of the bed and staggering for the bathroom.

After taking care of her Infamous Morning Potty Break, she decided to get rid of that toilet smell once and for all, and started the water for the shower.

Peyton had been so happy about the aforementioned shower that she didn't realize until about halfway through it that she didn't have a change of clothes with her. "...Dammit!" she hissed, knowing she'd have to go through the hotel in a robe at best.

"Hope it's not cold down there," she said with a shrug, deciding she didn't really care. After being a hundred and ten percent sure she had scrubbed the toilet-water-ness completely off, Peyton reluctantly turned off the hot water and grabbed the damn towel.

"...Thank GOD," she said with a sigh, spotting a huge robe hanging on one of the door's hooks. She slipped it on, rubbing her hair with the towel for a few moments before hanging it over the shower curtain, and unlocked the door.

...After that whole incident in which Ichigo got a nice long look at Shinji, she had taken to locking bathroom doors almost exclusively. Not that she left them unlocked too much _before_, but still.

Tying the robe strings, she grabbed the car keys off the table and ran out of the room, catching the elevator just in time. "Hold that door, please!" she called out.

In the elevator was a couple with matching mullets; the man's blonde, the woman's brunette. Peyton tried not to stare; even as a fellow Southerner, mullets still puzzled her to no end. She'd never purposely do that to her hair, it was hard enough making it look good with an EVEN length!

Something tugged at her robe, and she grabbed the edges of it spastically to make sure it didn't fall open. "Gah!" She looked down and around to see a little girl with long blonde hair...and a boy with a mullet.

"Your hair's mighty _puuuurty_," the girl cooed, reaching to tug her hair.

"Thank you! ...They yours?" Peyton asked the man and woman. The man smiled and nodded, while the woman eyed Peyton. "Got a problem?" she snapped, popping her gum for emphasis.

Peyton laughed nervously, shaking her head. "N-No problems, just curious!"

"Yeah, that's what I thought, kiddo."

Peyton's temple throbbed. She had always hated being called kiddo, _especially_ by complete strangers. Finally, they made it to the lobby, and she practically ran to Seth's car. She popped open the trunk and eyed the bags strangely. They were arranged so there was a space in the body of the trunk, the bags lined along the edges with one standing out further than the others.

Peyton tilted her head to the side. "Huh...If I didn't know any better...someone could be _sleepin' _in here! Yeah! That one bag there could be the pillow! ...Oh well. It's Ichigo's bag. Not my problem!" she said cheerfully, opening her bag and grabbing some clothes.

She made a face after noticing the floor of the trunk was stained red in a few spots. "...Blood?" she wondered, wiping her hand across. She gasped after seeing the red smears on her hand. "...That's _definitely _blood. God knows I've seen plenty of the stuff," she muttered.

With a shake of the head, she slammed the trunk door shut and ran back inside. As soon as she got up to the room, she got dressed with lightning speed.

Ichigo started stirring around the time she started doing the Jump-To-Get-Your-Jeans-On Maneuver, yawning and stretching.

"Ichigo?"

"Unh."

"Can I ask you somethin' kinda strange?" she asked, buttoning her jeans and putting her foot on the edge of the bed so as to roll her jean cuffs up.

"You always have something strange to ask me," he replied groggily, rubbing his eyes before letting his arm drop heavily on top of his face.

She tried not to laugh at his tiredness, not sure if he was just tired or grumpy-tired. If he was grumpy-tired, she didn't want to provoke him.

...Imagine that, huh?

"Well, uh...Were you hiding a dead body in the trunk of the car? A hooker or something, perhaps?" she asked innocently, switching legs to roll up the other cuff.

THAT woke him up. Ichigo shot straight up, blinking his eyes a few times. She could tell he was practically still asleep by how dull his eyes looked. They only looked that way when he was exhausted.

"..._WHAT_ WAS THAT?" he asked in disbelief.

She paused in rolling up her jeans to wave a hand in front of his face. "Were. You. Hiding. A dead body. In. The. Trunk?" she asked again before snapping her fingers in his face. "Pay _attention_, Kurosaki! Sometimes I say stuff that concerns you!"

Ichigo continued to gape at her. "...You're serious, I can tell."

"Well, YEAH."

"You think I hid a dead body in the trunk," he clarified. Peyton nodded, holding up a finger importantly. "I want you to be totally honest with me. Fortunately for _you_, I left my tazer at home."

"You don't _have _a tazer."

"But if I DID have a tazer, it'd be at home right now-" She cut off with a gasp, pointing an accusing finger at him. "Oh my God. YOU KILLED SHINJI, _DIDN'T_ YOU!"

"W-WHAT? NO, NO WAY! ...SHINJI'S DEAD?"

"I dunno, Ichigo, is he? IS HE?"

"ARE YOU INSANE?"

"NOW'S NOT THE TIME FOR STUPID QUESTIONS, ICHIGO! WE HAVE A MURDER ON OUR HANDS!" she exclaimed, slipping on her shoes as quickly as possible.

"...WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" he asked, spastically getting dressed as well.

"WE'VE BEEN _OVER_ THIS! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO ASK YOU ABOUT A DEAD BODY BEING HIDDEN IN THAT TRUNK BEFORE YOU TELL ME THE TRUTH?" she demanded to know, fuming.

He stared at her in total confusion before waving his arms around spastically while shouting, "WHAT'S GOING ON? I'M SO FUCKING CONFUSED!"

Peyton sighed exasperatedly, rubbing her right temple with her hand. "...This is getting us nowhere. C'mon, Strawberry," she growled, grabbing him by the shirt and dragging him along with her.

"Strawber- Where the hell're we going?"

"To the car, where do you think?" she yelled exasperatedly. A family of four was gaping at them from in front of the room to their left, and the older sister was covering her younger brother's ears.

"Just go back inside, go back inside slowly and without any sudden movements," the mother was saying, being gently pushed inside by her husband, who had his hand against the small of her back.

The two teens sweatdropped, and Ichigo looked down at Peyton with a temple throb. "If they call the cops because you were shouting like an idiot, I'll be forced to go bankai on you."

She shocked his side in response, making him yelp. "THE HELL WAS THAT?"

"A new little trick I learned. Apparently that electricy stuff I've got?"

"Yeah?"

"I can use it to _shock_ people," she said with a delighted giggle. Ichigo sweatdropped, gulping. "You must've been an evil child."

"Slightly."

After getting off the elevator, she was dragging him towards the front doors of the Comfort Inn when she smelled something she'd been too distracted to smell earlier: the heavenly scent of fresh-cooked waffles.

Peyton stopped abruptly, making Ichigo spastically wave his hands back and forth to balance himself, narrowly avoiding ramming into her. "Peyton, the hell was that for?"

"...Sniff the air, Ichigo."

"But you said there was a DAMN DEAD BO-"

"SNIFF IT."

Ichigo rolled his eyes and sniffed the air, and they heard his stomach grumble rather loudly. They looked at each other, then at the breakfast area set up to their right. "...Trunk search postponed?" Ichigo suggested.

She nodded, heading straight for the waffle maker. "Until further notice!"

_**

* * *

**_

_**FORTY****MINUTES LATER...**_

"Hey, Peyton?" Ichigo asked carefully, making her glance up. She perked up, wondering if he had some idea on how to get rid of her stomachache.

"Yeah?"

"...You gonna eat that?" he asked, stabbing the air with his fork in the direction of her remaining two waffles. Two out of six. HUGE ONES, mind you.

Peyton's temple throbbed. "If I did, I'd explode. Go right ahead."

"YES!" he exclaimed, piercing both waffles with one stab. She sweatdropped as she continued to clutch her stomach, then just sighed and shook her head. "Pointless."

"Huh?"

"Nothing," she replied innocently, downing her OJ.

"Hey, Courtney. I just asked that girl over there if she'd prefer a golden shower or strawberry shortcake!" that gay guy from last night announced from the front desk (which was behind where Ichigo and Peyton were sitting) as Courtney was leaving.

The two teens promptly spit out their drinks and started snickering as almost all the adults in the lobby area turned to stare at him.

Gay Guy looked at them all innocently. "..._What_? Oh, and Courtney – she answered!" he exclaimed before laughing, making Ichigo and Peyton laugh even harder.

"What'd she say?" Ichigo asked, covering his head right before Peyton attempted to smack it.

Gay Guy glanced over at him before cocking his hip and pointing a finger at him. "Aww, I remember YOU! You had the cute redheaded luggage, right?"

Peyton whirled around to look at him, waving. "That'd be me!"

"Heeey, luggage! How's it goin'?"

"Tired."

"Ohhh I seee. That bed was put to use, then?"

Ichigo drooped rather comically, making Peyton sweatdrop. "It _would've_ been...if she hadn't punched me before I even had her pants off..."

Peyton's sweatdrop turned into a temple throb as parents covered their children's ears, and Courtney covered her mouth to stifle her laughter as she headed briskly out the door to her car. Gay Guy made a tsk-tsk-tsk noise and shook his head. "Ohhh...So he's not good in bed or _what_, luggage?"

She shot Ichigo a dirty look. "Oh, he's _great _in bed. ...When he gives me time to RECOVER!"

He cringed, and Gay Guy giggled. Yes, giggled. "You two crack me up! How long you in Arkansas, huuuh?"

"'Till Ichigo eats all the waffles his stomach can hold," she replied cooly.

"Aww, no fun!" he muttered, pouting to himself. Peyton was about to reply, but then Ichigo dropped his fork dramatically onto his plate before groaning.

"...Did you even pause to _breathe_?" Peyton wondered with a sweatdrop.

"Maybe once."

"Ah. Well, time to go check the trunk for that dead hooker's body! Maybe it walked back in when we weren't watching," she said cheerfully, standing up and stretching.

About fifty other eating utensils dropped, as well as thirty jaws, and Gay Guy's eyebrows shot up. "...Kinky. Haven't heard THAT in a while..."

"It was a Northerner joke!" Peyton announced to everyone, and they all nodded slowly with "Ohhhh, okay!" kind of noises.

Ichigo sweatdropped, and she grinned up at him as they exited through the front doors. "It's all about how ya _word it_ down here in the _South_, Kurosaki."

_**

* * *

**_

_**TWELVE****MINUTES LATER...**_

"Peyton, just open it."

"...I'm kinda scared to."

"We've been standing out here for forever!" he whined, shifting from foot to foot. Peyton glared at him. "Why don't YOU open it, then, Fearless Soul Reaper!"

Ichigo crossed his arms defiantly, avoiding her eyes by looking up at the sky and anywhere else above her height. "...Why would I? I know there's nothing in there."

Peyton's temple throbbed. "Oh, there ISN'T? THEN WHADDAYA CALL THIS?" she demanded, unlocking the trunk and flinging it open. Peyton paused, turning redder and redder as Ichigo continued to grin smugly at her. "That was easy. I knew it would be. All it takes with you is a _liiiittle_ push," he teased.

"...Just. _Look_. In the _damn _trunk," she growled, crossing her arms and leaning with her back against the car.

Ichigo did so, sighing exasperatedly. "There's nothing – and no one – in here except for the bags."

"What about those stains?" Peyton asked pointedly, not even looking at the trunk.

"...Oh. Those." She saw him slide his hand across where the stains were, just like she had, and tried not to laugh at the Spastic Wet Noodle Dance he did a few seconds later.

"PEYTON, THERE'S BLOOD IN THIS TRUNK!"

"I know. And, do tell me, Ichigo, was that there BEFORE we escaped from my grandmomma's house?"

"...Nooooo..."

"So. Who'd you hide in the trunk? Huh?" she asked, glaring up at him.

"NOBODY! Who did YOU hide in the trunk?" he asked in that same suspicious tone, glaring _down_ at her.

"NOBODY! If I _were_ to hide a dead body in the trunk, it'd be YOURS!"

"...Oh, that's true. Point taken," he said after a moment of thought. She nodded. "Thanks, it's about time."

His temple throbbed, and he rubbed the back of his neck anxiously. "Well, that still doesn't explain how the hell blood stains got in the trunk of the car." They stared at aforementioned trunk for a long time, hoping maybe if they did that long enough an answer would occur to one of them.

No luck.

Peyton finally sighed and nudged him with her shoulder. "C'mon, let's just go make sure we didn't forget anything in the room and check out."

"But Peyton, what about the DAMN BL-"

"STARING AT IT'S NOT GONNA HELP, now is it?" she snapped. He sighed in defeat and ran after her. "Yeah, I guess that's true. Point taken again."

"Splendid."

"Indeed."

"...You're SURE it wasn't a hooker."

"YES, Peyton, I'm sure! The only woman I've been screwing is you!"

"Awww, well that's good to know!" she said cheerfully.

_**

* * *

**_

_**THREE****HOURS LATER...**_

"Ichigo let me drii-ive, Ichigo let me drii-ive," Peyton continued to sing to herself, gripping the wheel triumphantly.

She had been doing that for roughly an hour and a half, and even though Ichigo was asleep, she still felt some satisfaction in singing it over and over.

Eventually, though, she got bored of it and turned on the radio. According to the map, they were now somewhere in Oklahoma, a few hours away from Oklahoma City. Driving wasn't all that bad, since they were basically following I-40 West the whole way until they got really close to San Diego.

The only problem Peyton had was when idiotic drivers (usually from Mississippi for some unknown reason) ended up in front of her, which was often. That's when she'd start hollering at them, and somehow, it didn't seem to wake Ichigo up at all.

"You're probably used to me hollerin', I guess," Peyton mused thoughtfully before laughing. "Jeez, I dunno what Ichigo was _talking_ about. This is fricking easy!"

Of course, once she had been driving for about eight hours, she started to understand why Ichigo was so tired – and slightly homicidal.

"...Dammit!" Peyton hissed as she dozed off again, only waking up because of the tires grinding against that rough stuff on the edges of the interstate. Ichigo was still fast asleep, which made her huff to herself.

"Now, just watch. You're gonna try and get me to screw around almost as _soon _as we get off the road, and I'll probably eventually give in due to being overwhelmed with guilt about last night. And then, will I get to sleep it off like you slept off driving? Absolutely not. Which is BULLSHIT, because I'm almost a hundred and fifty percent sure that I do more work having sex with you than you do driving. ARGH!" she exclaimed, concluding her rant with a huff as she slammed her hands against the steering wheel for emphasis.

"...I need to start drinking coffee."

As if on cue, she heard a weird noise coming from behind her. Peyton glanced at the rearview mirror, shifting it around every which way. Nothing there. After a few moments (in which she heard the sound three more times), she briefly turned her head around and looked in the seats behind her.

Nothing.

"...Huh. _That's _weird," Peyton muttered to herself, shaking her head as she kept her eyes on the road.

After hearing the sound at least ten more times, she finally realized what it was. Upon realizing, she gasped rather loudly and whimpered a little before hissing, "Ichigo!".

No response.

"...Ichigo."

Still nothing.

Peyton's temple throbbed. "What good _are _you? ICHIGO!"

He suddenly jolted awake, looking around spastically. "Huh, what, DID WE CRASH?" Her temple throbbed even more. "...Why is that your first assumption, HUH?"

"Just checking," he said innocently before yawning and rubbing his eyes. "Did you shout for me?"

"Oh. Right. Ichigo, don't freak out, but I think there's a ghost snoring in that trunk," Peyton said in a voice barely above a whisper.

"WHAT THE HELL?"

"SHUT UP, DUMBASS, BEFORE IT HEARS YOU!" she shrieked, trying to keep her eyes on the road.

Ichigo sweatdropped before sighing and slumping in his seat. "Great. Can't even go on the road without a ghost annoying the hell outta me."

"I thought that was _my _job. Annoying you."

"Yeah, but the ghosts had that job LONG before you."

"Damn, guess that means they have seniority then."

"Little bit."

Peyton sighed heavily. "Well, tell it to go away."

"What?"

"I can't listen to that snoring the whole way!"

"Then I'll drive."

"NO WAY! YOU'RE MAKING THAT GHOST LEAVE, ICHIGO KUROSAKI, OR NO SEX FOR A WEEK!"

Ichigo slumped even further in his seat. "Not like you'll be in the mood. You'd probably be just _faking it_, anyways."

Peyton's temple throbbed menacingly, and she slammed her foot on the brake. Luckily for Ichigo, he had a seatbelt preventing him from flying out the windshield. _Un_-luckily, that meant he was stuck in the car with his pissed girlfriend.

"_WHAT _WAS THAT?"

"N-Nothing!"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT _I_ HEARD!" she shouted, shocking him a few times.

"Ow! Ow! OWWWW!"

Peyton just watched as he jumped spastically, glowering at him. "Ichigo Kurosaki, you take that back."

"No."

"Take it back! I don't fake it that often, and you _know _it!"

"How could I _possibly _know? I CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE!"

"WELL, MAYBE YOU _SHOULD_ BE ABLE TO TELL!"

"BIT LATE FOR THAT NOW, SEEING AS YOU'LL PROBABLY _NEVER_ BE IN THE MOOD _AGAIN_!"

She practically had steam coming out of her ears, her hands balled into such tight fists that her knuckles were white as she continued to keep them crossed.

"...Take it back."

"Nope."

"Do it!"

"Why should I?"

"Because. I. Asked. NICELY!"

"No you didn't, you shocked me! THREE TIMES!"

"Oh, c'mon, I think you've been through worse than a few shocks," she snapped with an eyeroll.

"Yeah, maybe so, but shocks hurt like hell! They hurt even worse when administered by your girlfriend!"

"Why? Because it bruises your ego?"

"In a word, YES!"

"Is that all you men care about? Your egoes? I think that's the main reason you were upset that I faked it, too! Ego! Didn't care that I'M never satisfied, NOOOO, let's put the ego first!"

"Oh, so you wanna play the Men Have Too Big Of Egoes Card now, Peyton?"

"YES, I DO!"

"Well, screw my ego, what about _you_? You women have to always be in CONTROL of everything! Control what we do, when we do it, how much action we get, how little, what kind, what time of day, where we go, ...EVERYTHING!"

"That's not true and you know it!" she exclaimed, eyes widening.

"Oh, whatever. So you can talk about guys' egoes, but I can't call women controlling. See, you're also so EMOTIONAL! Guys can NEVER win an argument, because we always feel bad AND suffer from lack of fulfilled needs!"

"Is that all you care about? The sex? That's it, isn't it! That's _allllll_ that matters, that Ichigo gets laid! Well, I hate to break it to ya, but that's NOT why I said yes when you asked me out, and that's NOT why I fell in love with you! So you can just take the sex, and your ego, and shove it all _right_ up your ass!" she shouted, opening the car door.

"Where're you going?" he asked with more than a little alarm.

"To check the trunk. Where the hell ELSE would I be going? You think I'm stupid enough to walk the interstate? You'd just drive after me anyway," she grumbled, pressing the button that popped the trunk open.

She sweatdropped as Ichigo literally flung himself across the seats to get to the car door, grabbing her by the leg. "Wait a second!"

"What _now_?"

"...Listen." Peyton sighed exasperatedly and did so; there was no snoring. Had she just imagined it?

"You know...I never _did _hear anything," Ichigo said slowly.

"Well, _I _did," she said defiantly, trying to wriggle her leg out of his grip. He just gripped it tighter, using it as a way of pulling himself closer before diving out of the car like a moron. Peyton started laughing, not able to stop herself, and it made him grin as he brushed himself off.

"...I'm sorry. It's not just about the sex. I guess it just..." Peyton sighed, not letting him finish. "Ichigo, don't worry about it. I'm just tired. I don't even remember what started the fight in the first place."

"Hold on, lemme admit this real quick before I lose my nerve," he said quickly, making her eyebrows shoot up. _That's a new one._ "Okay," she said slowly, drawing it out skeptically.

He sighed, grabbing her by her upper arms and pulling her towards him. "I'm not mad because you fake it sometimes. I'm frustrated because...I just feel like...I feel like I can't make you feel as good as loving you makes _me _feel. ...You know?"

Peyton smiled and shook her head. "Ichigo, I told you. The only reason I fake it sometimes in the_ first place_ is 'cause I can't recover quick enough. To be honest? It's almost like the first time around, I feel so good and so high up there that it's hard to come back down. So...it makes me feel like _I_ can't make _you_ feel as good as loving you makes _me_ feel during that second time, or even third time. ...Dumbass, _not _listening to me," she added with a grumble, making him laugh and pull her into a hug.

"_That's _the Peyton I know. You got serious on me for a second there, it worried me a little."

"How do you think I felt? You _never _admit it when you're wrong, much less feeling like a sexual _failure_!"

His temple throbbed at the "sexual failure" part, but he just sighed. "Point."

"I have a lot of those."

"...Peyton?"

"Hmm?"

"How _can _I tell whether or not you're faking?"

"I'm not gonna _tell _you, figure it out yourself!" she exclaimed, making him groan. Amidst the laughing and kissing that followed, they forgot about the mysterious noises from the trunk.

...They never _did _check it before they started driving again. _And _Ichigo took the wheel, claiming it was her turn to sleep before she ripped his throat out.

Talk about a lose-lose situation.


	6. The Drifter and Ichigo's Third Arm!

**Me: SO SO SO SOOOO sorry for the long wait! And it's so depressing I missed the Official One Year Anniversary Of Dude... (droops)**

**Rukia: Guess it doesn't help you've got an infection from your sliced thumb and a fever of 103, huh?**

**Me: (Holds up one of my few non-injured fingers) Correction, I just checked it. I now have a fever of 105.**

**Ichigo: Oh, boo-fuckity-hoo.**

**Me: HEY! I GOT SLICED BY A VENT AND GODDAMN FOIL, YOU BASTARD!**

**Carmen: (Sweatdrops) What?**

**Ichigo: (Eyeroll) She's just being a drama bitch.**

**Rukia: Isn't it drama QUEEN?**

**Ichigo: Not with Mandy, it's not.**

**Me: (Epic temple throb) YOU SEE, Carmen, last Thursday I sliced the middle finger on my left hand thanks to a vent in my mom's closet. Stupid fucking vent. And then Friday, I was helping my best friend's boyfriend clean up after her dad's party and sliced my thumb all the way down on some aluminum foil. FUCKING ALUMINUM FOIL! DX**

**Ichigo: (Eyeroll) Jeez, Carmen, keep up.**

**Me and Carmen: SHUT UP, YOUR VOICE ANNOYS ME AT THE MOMENT!**

**Me: ...Well, whatever, on with the cakes.**

**Kon: RIGHT AWAY, MISTRESS MANDY! (Wheels in Cake Number One, from Squee, aka Alyssa. It's a 5-tiered awesomesauce-flavored lime green cake that says in light purple letters "HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!". On the top their is a present box. In it are two JB dolls for Carmen and Rukia, a Peyton doll for Ichigo, a Kon-sized female lion wearing a pink dress doll for Kon, and a cream colored beanie-type hat with a Hollow mask-like design on it for me, TEH AUTHORESS. A note is attached. It reads "Happy belated b-day Mandy! From Squee", and written (sloppily) next to 'Squee' is 'and Dylan')**

**Me: It's beauuuuutiful! (Cue sparkling Isshin Eyes of Adoration)**

**Ichigo: ...That Dylan kid's handwriting is for SHIT.**

**Rukia: AND YOURS IS ANY BETTER?**

**Ichigo: No, not really. I'm just saying it's for shit.**

**The Rest Of Us: (Texas-sized sweatdrops) ...Whatever. ONTO CAKE NUMBER TWOOOO! Well, technically, it's an award from Morcelink for Ichigo and Peyton. It's theeee: Most Perverted Couple Award! YAY!**

**Me: ...Kon?**

**Kon: (Cowering in the corner)**

**Me: KOOOON? WHERE'S THE TROPHY?**

**Kon: ...Ummmmm...I acidentally sent it to Justin...the one in the hospital. **

**Me:OH CRAP! ...Well, there IS this note that goes with it. **

**Ichigo: I'LL READ IT! (Dives for note) Ahem: "Rukia and Carmen can pick up the trophy and drop the items I'm about to mention off with him, since they are DYING to see Justin. For Justin, I have a hi-potion and (rummages through random crap) a healing charm, which should help. For Mandy, I have a (drumroll) Gigantichuge Multi-Flavored Cake that is roughly 100ft tall, includes a LOT of icing, and includes characters and various scenes from both Bleach fanfics. There IS a warning: If Ichigo eats this cake, he will have a headache in the story,(shrugs)he will also have to tell the truth for 20 minutes, and he will get stuck in the bubble for 3 chapters...any other warnings are of your choice."**

**Me: (Looks to Rukia and Carmen) Well? You heard the note. GOOOO!**

**Rukia and Carmen: (Don Justin Fangear) DON'T HAVETA TELL US TWICE! AAAIIIIYYEEE! (Squeal with joy before running off)**

**Me and Ichigo: (Shakes of teh heads)**

**Me: Well, anyway. Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes! And thanks Puppy-paige for your first review ever, and thanks Mangamagic for getting her so hooked :D**

**Me Again: AND ALSO, thanks Reason to Scatter for your latest review for Dude, What's With the Robe. Apparently, they were recently in Disney World, and every time they passed by Splash Mountain they thought of my fic. You have no idea how cool it is that I wasn't the only one who had that happen to them recently! It happened to me during this past fall break! Now that I think about it, I also got a review a while back from someone...who was it again... (Rifles through files)**

**Ichigo: (Watches with major sweatdrops) Wrong drawer.**

**Me: Oh, right. Duh! (Checks files from other filing cabinet drawer before pointing at a review accusingly) Ah-HA! HERE IT IS! This was from Reason to Scatter as well! Ha, I didn't know that! ...That sounds bad. But ANYWAY, here it is. ****I'll copy it word-for-word here: **

****

"Awesome chapter. ^_^ I want you to know that the other day, I saw a girl with a red jersey that had CULLEN on it across the back. Instead of thinking of Twilight, I thought of this. XD (Oh, I'm not a sports fan, can you tell?)"

****Still Me: Do y'all have any idea how great it is to write a fic like this and realize how much people like it? In fact, as I was going through Dude reviews trying to find that one review up there, I was blown away all over again by how many of those 630 reviews said at least once that they loved, LOVED, or LURRRVVED this story. Both stories, even. And seeing the ones about my grandfather and how funny he must find it all for that chapp I dedicated to him made me feel like crying all over again ;) I just want to take this time to thank you. Every single one of you. You have absolutely no idea how awesomesauce it is to come onto fan fiction almost every day and see a new review for this and/or Dude, or a new PM from someone I started talking to because of their reviews for my Dude fic. It's awesome. So thanks again, and I'd just like you to know that every chapter I do is dedicated to the readers, even those who don't review.

Ichigo: (Rolls eyes and hands me a Kleenex) Get a hold of yourself, I'm starting to drown in your mushiness. (Gestures to himself, as he's waist deep in pink water. There's a nearby sign pointing at the river labeled "River of Mandy's Sudden Mushiness".

****Me: ...Oh. My bad.

****Ichigo: Are you on your period or something?

****Me: (Throws mace at his head) THAT'S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS! ...Well, dear readers, consider that flash of mushiness your Valentine's Day mushiness. Hell, maybe I'll make a romantic chapp for Ichigo and Peyton on Valentine's Day, too. Any ideas? Feel free to share! :D

Ichigo: (Excitedly starts praying for lemons)

****Me: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! ...Well, maybe if you show good behavior. Wait, what am I saying? WHATEVER. Read, review, ENJOOOOY! :D

**

* * *

**

They (meaning Ichigo, _much_ to Peyton's annoyance) drove right through Oklahoma. She slept most of the way through, and the rest of that time was spent trying to convince him to let her drive.

After that failed for roughly the eightieth time, she fell silent, looking defeated while secretly trying to conjure up some elaborate plan to make him stop somewhere and get out of the driver's seat so she could steal it from him.

The problem was A, finding a good reason for him to stop and B, trying to figure out how to make sure he wouldn't just pull her out of the seat and drag her over to the passenger side.

Or worse...THE BACK.

She HATED sitting in the back when he was driving. Or anybody, for that matter. Unless Ichigo was sitting in the back with her, then that was okay. But otherwise... No. Just no.

And he knew that, of course, so it would be EXACTLY the kind of thing he'd do to her.

Stupid Ichigo.

It was around the time Peyton's fuming started to die down when she noticed how tired Ichigo looked. "...Um...Ichigo?"

"...Huh? You say somethin'?" he asked slowly almost a full minute later, his words sounding a little slurred.

"How long've you been driving?" she asked carefully.

"Oh, not long, just, uhhh...I think about...Maybe five hours. Or seven. It's an odd number, I'm sure of it," he said groggily.

She also noticed his eyes were a little bloodshot at the corners. Peyton sweatdropped as he yawned rather loudly, clicked his tongue a couple times, and shrugged. "No big deal. Why?"

"...Ichigo, lemme drive."

"Nah, I'm fine."

"...Can we pull over, then? I gotta pee." He shrugged. "Alright." Peyton's temple throbbed as he pulled over and unlocked the car doors. "There ya go. Bushes."

_**BAM!**_

"Owww!" he groaned, rubbing the back of his head where she'd kicked him. "Stupid-head, I am _not_ peeing in some damn bushes!" she fumed, glaring at him.

Then she sighed as he continued to yawn lazily, doing that really annoying tongue-clicking again. "Ichigo, move over."

"Aw, c'mon, I can drive just fi-"

"GET OUTTA THE DRIVER'S SEAT!" she screeched, making him snap right out of his grogginess. Ichigo practically flew off his seat, opening the door and diving out, crawling on all fours towards the other side so he was in the passenger seat.

Peyton rolled her eyes and stepped over him, hopping into the driver's seat at the same time he slid into the passenger side.

"Don't forget your seatbelt," she said cheerfully, all sunshine and rainbows now. Ichigo sweatdropped, and he was rather pale now.

"...Trust me. I won't."

* * *

She drove for another two hours while Ichigo snored to her right, and finally, they reached Amarillo, Texas.

Deciding they were making good enough time (since they had four days until the concert and San Diego was about two days away tops), Peyton stopped at a truck stop to FINALLY pee.

She flung the car door open, put the keys in her pocket, and practically ran for the restrooms. Of course, she quickly decided that was a bad idea, and eased her bladder's protests by walking like a normal person.

Peyton made a face as she peed as quickly as possible; the restroom smelled awful. She was also pretty sure there was some dried vomit next to her shoe, so she was extremely careful with how she stepped as she pulled her pants up, flushed, and headed for the sink.

She washed her hands and glanced at herself in the mirror, surprised to see she _didn't_ look as tired as she felt. With a shrug, she tucked her right-sided bangs behind her ear and left.

As soon as she was outside, she heard thudding and grunting. Walking faster towards the noise, hoping Ichigo hadn't done something stupid, she heard shouting as well.

"Mime something _now_, smart guy!" one voice shouted. Peyton's brows furrowed. That didn't sound like Ichigo, unless he was miming a special finger.

But the mental image of him dressed like a mime was pretty damn funny. She giggled to herself, then remembered someone – possibly Ichigo – was in trouble, so she broke out in a run to see just what the hell was going on.

She saw two guys, one of which was punching a smaller and younger-looking guy repeatedly in the stomach and face.

She reached them just as the burlier guy knocked the smaller one to the ground and raised his leg slightly to prepare to kick him in the gut.

"Hey, hey, HEY! Calm the hell down!" she shouted, pulling at the burlier guy's arm. When that didn't seem to hold much sway, she shocked him a little.

Well, maybe more than a little, but only enough to make him yelp and turn his attention away from the poor guy on the ground.

"You got a problem, lady?" he demanded. She nodded, glaring up at him. "Yeah, I do. For one thing, I ain't no lady. My _momma _was a lady. And for another, I have a problem with people who beat other people up for no reason. You got a reason?" she inquired, arms crossed across her middle.

He and his buddy stared at her for a few moments, then the burly one started laughing as if she were hilarious. "That's real cute, lady! Now, look here, I don't need no little shrimp tellin' me how to act. So why don't ya just keep on walkin'? I don't wanna have to punch that pretty little mouth to getchya to learn when to shut up," he warned.

Peyton sweatdropped. "Just how scary do you think you _are_, exactly?" He was _nothing _compared to the Iga Clan, or even Ichigo when he was sleep-deprived _and_ hungry at the same time.

She then made a face, waving her hand to-and-fro in front of her face. "And do you _ever_ brush your teeth? Smells like dead animals and Cherry Bombs in there!" **A/N, for those who don't know, those are cherries dipped thoroughly in moonshine XD**

Burly Dude's temple throbbed, and she could see the guy on the ground smirk a little out of the corner of her eye. Burly Dude shook his head slowly, raising his fist. "Why you _little_ –"

He moved to punch her, but she ducked and shocked his leg. Rather hard this time, too. He yelped, clutching at his leg, and she brought her knee up to his gut. He promptly keeled over, and she looked at his buddy. "...Now, what've _you_ got to say for yourself?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.

He laughed nervously, backing away. "U-U-Uhhh, nothing, just that I best be going –" he cut himself off as he turned and broke into a run, and Peyton laughed.

"Damn _right_, you should!" she called out, laughing some more before turning to look at the guy on the ground. "...You alright?" she asked. He nodded and she held out a hand to help him up.

"Jeez, Peyton, the hell was that?" Ichigo called out from a little ways behind her. She didn't turn around until she had helped the guy up, and he brushed himself off before angling himself so he was by her side as she talked.

"You _know_ how much I hate it when drunks do stupid crap to random people," she replied simply. Ichigo yawned and nodded. "Yeah, more like you just wanted to beat the crap out of somebody. Beating me up got boring."

"Aw, never! I _love_ beating you up!"

"Ha ha. Seriously, that's hilarious."

"I know. Anyway, yeah, while you were snoozing away, your heroic girlfriend was busy helping this guy over here," she said cheerfully, turning to look at aforementioned guy.

She noticed he had been staring at her face, which was more than a little unnerving. "What's your name?" she asked.

He immediately pulled out a pencil, and after looking around the ground briefly, picked up a memo pad. He scrawled on it in record time, tearing it off the slip of paper and handing it to her. _"Nick Dunham. Thanks for helping me."_

Peyton smiled at him. "Nick Dunham, got it. You're welcome. What, can you not talk?" He shook his head, then wrote quickly on another sheet, holding it up so the other two could see.

"_Have bad hearing, too. Pretty good at reading lips, though."_

"Wait, Nick Dunham...Like...JEFF DUNHAM?" Ichigo asked excitedly, making Peyton and Nick sweatdrop.

Nick rolled his eyes and shook his head. Ichigo shook his head sympathetically. "Aww, that's too bad."

Peyton sweatdropped again before turning back to Nick. "Why'd those guys attack you, anyways?"

He shrugged and pointed to the parking lot. _"My ride left me here. I was asking them for directions, but apparently they took my gestures for something else entirely,"_ he wrote, holding it up for them to see.

"They DID look pretty hammered," Peyton agreed, nodding her head. "Where ya headed?"

"_San Diego."_

Peyton grinned, and Ichigo groaned before she even spoke. "So are _we_! Why don't you just come with us?"

"Peyton, he's not a cute little lost puppy, we can't just take him with us!" Ichigo protested. She glanced at Nick; he had shaggy dark hair and bright blue eyes. Pretty slender, maybe a little muscle.

He could easily qualify under "cute" and "lost".

Of course, she didn't say that, because Ichigo would've killed him while she was sleeping. Instead, she simply stared up at Ichigo. She was staring for less than ten seconds when Ichigo groaned in defeat and stomped towards the car. "Fine. But I'M driving!"

"That's fine," she said smugly as her and Nick fistbumped. To get back at Ichigo for driving when it was SO CLEARLY still her turn, she sat in the back with Nick.

He almost immediately huffed from the driver's seat, looking rather pissy.

"So, Nick. Where're ya from?"

"_Florida. Not that it matters. Haven't been there in years."_

"Why?"

He shrugged, then glanced at Ichigo, who was muttering to himself. Nick was staring into the rearview mirror, able to see Ichigo's reflection.

"_Does he always mumble to himself?"_

Peyton nodded with a smirk. "Usually. Especially when I piss him off."

_"You do that o__ften, I'm guessing."_

"You guess correctly. I consider it my job, being his girlfriend."

"_Oh, that makes sense."_

"Say, why're you headin' for San Diego?" she asked suddenly.

He shrugged. _"Been everywhere else."_

"Oh. So you're a runaway?"

"_Nothin to run away from. Drifter's more like it."_

"Oh. No family, then?"

"_Duh."_

She shrugged. "Point taken."

"_Why're YOU going to SD?"_

"Social Distortion concert. For Ichigo's birthday," she added. From what she could see in the rearview mirror, Ichigo was pleased to be included in their seemingly-one-sided conversation.

"_How old are you 2?"_

"I'm 16. Ichigo's turning 17 soon. What about you, Nick?"

"_Turning 18 in October."_

She nodded and yawned. "Ichigo, you sure you're alright up there?"

"Of course I am."

"Cool. I'm sleeping, then."

"Didn't you just wake up a couple hours ago?"

"_Four_ hours ago, to be exact."

"Ohhhh, huge difference."

"Chyeah, it is! That's a two-hour difference! Those two hours coulda been spent dreaming about a world without Chappy!"

Nick tapped her shoulder, holding up his memo pad. The paper was now covered with his questions and answers, so he had drawn a circle around his latest question.

"_Chappy? As in that Japanese rabbit?"_

Peyton nodded, and they both shuddered. "I hate that thing..." she muttered.

"_Me too."_

"Really?"

"_Yeah. The only animal suits I don't mind are the Disney World characters."_

Peyton nodded. "Agreed."

She yawned again, and Nick wrote on his paper again. _"You look tired."_

"It's 'cause I am."

"_Then go to sleep."_

"I don't wanna."

"_Why?"_

"Because I don't wanna miss anything. Also, I'm hungry, so my stomach's just gonna start growling right as I'm about to nod off. So...NEH."

"_Neh?"_

"Yes, neh. Means 'so there'."

He nodded slowly, mouthing the word to himself. "So you're mute by choice?" she asked, making him snap out of his zoneage.

He waved his hand in a so-so kind of way. _"Sort of. No one had ever taught me to speak. It's __easier this way. Plus, it's fun to imitate people and get away with it."_

"You didn't get away with it earlier," she pointed out. He shrugged, and Ichigo glanced at them in the mirror.

"Ask him if he needs anything for those scrapes and bruises, Peyton."

Nick shook his head and made a circle with his thumb and finger. Ichigo and Peyton exchanged a shrug through the mirror, and Nick leaned the side of his face against his window.

Peyton curled her legs up onto the seat, closing her eyes and leaning her head back against her seat. "Ichigo?"

"Yeah?"

"...Don't have a wreck, alright?"

She could practically hear his temple throbbing, and she laughed for a good minute or so before passing out.

_**

* * *

**_

_**HOURS****LATER...**_

Peyton woke up after hearing the screech of brakes. "HOLY CRAP, YOU _ACTUALLY _HAD A WRECK!" she screeched before even opening her eyes.

"...Peyton...We're not even moving," Ichigo said a little worriedly, both him and Nick sweatdropping at her.

She looked around and saw they were at a Taco Bell, stuck behind a huge line of cars. "...Oh. Well. Taco Bell sure is popular," she said simply.

Nick sweatdropped again, while Ichigo just shook his head. "Sometimes I seriously wonder if you have issues."

"I _do_ have issues. You're a _major_ one of them," she shot back.

He ignored that. "Ask Nick what he wants from Taco Bell."

Peyton crossed her arms. "He can see you in the rear view mirror, you know."

"Sorry, he didn't tell me that," he replied, making her stick her tongue out at him. Nick watched with amusement before tapping Peyton's shoulder.

"...He waaaants...Oh! He wants a Volcano Burrito with some water," she announced proudly after reading his note.

"Cool. I know what _you _want," he commented as she opened her mouth to tell him. "Double Steak Quesadilla and a Mango-Strawberry Frutista Freeze. ...Aaaand, you'll want some of my nachos," he rattled off without missing a beat.

Peyton folded her arms across her middle and stared at him via mirror, impressed. He just winked at her, which made her stomach go all flippy. _Damn. He can still do that to me? That sucks._ "See? I pay attention."

"Sometimes."

"Yeah, sometimes," he agreed before shouting "YUS!" as they were finally able to move ahead in line.

Once they _finally _got their food (it seemed even longer for Ichigo, who made a jab at Nick after Peyton had been giggling a lot back there that maybe they could play "Do You Hear What I Hear?", and was promptly kicked upside the head by Peyton while Nick ducked and tried not to laugh for Ichigo's sake), they pulled over in a hotel parking lot and inhaled their food.

Surprisingly, Peyton was the first to finish. She clicked her tongue, making Ichigo cringe. "Hey, maybe we should stay here for the night."

"Aww, why?" he whined.

"'Cause you can barely keep your eyes open!" she exclaimed as his eyelids continued to droop even further.

"You...You can't prove that," he said matter-of-factly.

...This, after a few more snarky comments back-and-forth, led to an all-out fist fight between the two, during which Nick had snuck off and headed inside the hotel.

Their fight ended with a nacho nearly bring shoved up Peyton's nose – that was when they started laughing at themselves.

They laughed for a good three minutes before Ichigo looked around and sweatdropped. "...Where'd that guy go?"

Peyton looked around, too, and they both jumped when there was rapping on the nearest window.

"AAAAHHHHH!" they screeched, and she jumped into Ichigo's arms. It was Nick; he held up a room key, waving it back and forth with a smirk.

They both cleared their throats, and Ichigo rolled down the window as if that would help him understand any better. "Huh?"

He held up the key again, pointed to the both of him, then himself, and held up his wallet. Peyton was the first to get it; poor Ichigo was squinting as if deciphering the Rosetta Stone or something, he was so tired.

"You paid? Aww, Nick, you didn't haveta do that," she said, unlocking the door and climbing out. Ichigo slowly trudged after them as Nick shrugged and wrote on his memo pad some more.

_"It's the least I could do for you guys. Thanks again for helping me."_

"Any time."

"Yeah, that's great. Hate to break up this love fest, but I'd _love _to go inside and go to sleep," Ichigo grumbled as he made a big show of reaching over Peyton and opening the door.

She rolled her eyes at him, following him and Nick in. Nick held the door open for her, and she tried not to laugh as Ichigo's temple throbbed.

"Th-Thanks, Nick," she managed to get out through the effort as she followed Ichigo to the elevator.

"What floor's our room on?" he asked. Nick held up three fingers, and Peyton practically climbed over Ichigo to push the button.

Ichigo and Nick sweatdropped, while she just hummed to herself and waited for the elevator to reach their floor.

* * *

Nick handed Ichigo the key once reaching the door, and he took great pride in unlocking it.

...Of course, it took him three tries since he was sliding it in wrong.

When he finally _did _get it open, Nick and Peyton both sighed with relief, and it made her jump. "I thought you were mute!" she accused.

He smiled and wrote on his pad again before holding it up. _"I don't talk. That doesn't mean I can't make noise."_

She laughed with embarrassment. "Sorry about that."

He shrugged, and Ichigo's temple throbbed as he contemplated locking Nick out of the room. But he most definitely wanted _Peyton _in the room, and unfortunately, she came inside _after _Nick, so he had no choice but to let the guy in as well.

Dammit.

He was moping to himself, but then he turned around and saw Peyton hopping on one foot to peel her sock off. For some reason, seeing her do that and then flop onto the first bed she saw made him decide he was going to have her tonight if it killed him.

Maybe it was the way she was breathing, all heavy and making her chest move a little. _Oh goddammit, I'm such a pervert, _he thought miserably to himself.

Ichigo bided his time, waiting oh so patiently for everyone to chill out, and for the lights to go off. Since there were only two beds, he and Peyton were sharing one – of course.

This was going to be relatively easy, knowing Peyton's inability to resist when it came to things like this.

He waited for _forever _after the lights went off (really, only ten minutes tops) before wrapping an arm around her.

Of course, she didn't think anything of it, and even leaned into him a little. _Jeez, I feel like Indiana Jones or something_, he thought with a sweatdrop at how cautious he was being.

After a few moments, he played with the hem of her shirt. She sighed heavily, and it was NOT one of her Good Sighs.

Good Sighs as in the Ichigo's-Totally-Gonna-Score Sighs.

"Ichigo, c'moooon," she groaned.

"_You _c'moooon," he groaned right back, mocking her voice as he continued to tease her with the hem of her shirt.

"There's a guy laying less than five feet away," she whispered in a rush. _Almost as if she's scared he's gonna hear us_, he noted with a major sweatdrop.

"You _do _remember he's deaf, right?" he asked, running his fingertips lightly over the area of her stomach that wasn't covered by her shirt anymore.

He felt her stomach quivering, and resisted the urge to grin smugly. She wasn't going to last much longer.

"Not completely!" she practically hissed. "What if he...y'know, hears us?" she asked in a high-pitched sort of whisper.

Ichigo felt like facepalming. "Yeah, and if he does? What's he gonna do, ask us to use our inside voices?"

He could tell by her annoyed huff that his grin could be heard in his voice.

"Ichigo, I just don't think-"

"Exactly. Don't think about it," he interrupted, whispering against her ear before kissing it. She was silent (for once) as he continue to kiss random parts of her ear before lightly nibbling at the back of it.

He hadn't done that in a _loooong _time, and judging by the temple throb she got (yes, it was so strong he could see it in the dark, if that's not scary he didn't know what was), she didn't like its reappearance.

"Ichigo damn Kurosaki –"

"Aww, c'mon Peyton, pleeeease?"

"Are you seriously begging me? I mean, _really_?"

"That depends, if I say I am will you give in?"

"Probably not."

"Then no."

"Funny, that's my answer to YOU!"

"Peeey-toooon!"

"NO."

"My _birthday's _coming up!"

"Guess you'll have to wait until your birthday to unwrap your present, then," she shot back smugly, wriggling her hips just to piss him off.

"Oh, ha ha ha. Clever." _Damn those hips of hers. Cause me nothing but trouble..._

"I know, right?"

Ichigo groaned before turning her off of her side so she was flat on the bed, propping himself up on his elbow as he kissed her gently. "C'mon, what's the matter?" he asked, touching her face.

"I'm tired. I'm cranky. I'm not in the mood. What else do I haveta say?"

He sighed heavily. "Nooothiiiing..."

"That's what I thought," she muttered moodily, flopping back onto her side and muttering something about letting his "Third Arm" lead instead of his brain. (_Third Arm? **Really**, Peyton?_)

His temple throbbed, but he didn't comment, knowing she was at least a _little _right. So he went back to an arm draped over her, and was about to doze off when his body screwed himself over.

He seriously didn't plan for it to happen at all, but it did. His hand sort of twitched, and the next thing he knew, his hand was under her shirt and against her left boob.

"DAMMIT, ICHIGOOOO!" she bellowed, shooting straight up with steam practically coming out of her ears.

"I _SWEAR _I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT! I THINK I REALLY _AM _LED BYMY THIRD ARM, HOLY _SHIT_!"

"I KNOW YOU ARE!"

"PLEASE BE MERCIFUL!" he shouted, covering his head right before she smacked it hard. She sat there with her arms crossed, glaring at him in the dark, and it was the creepiest damn thing he'd ever seen.

He gulped. "Please say something, you're scaring me."

"Fine. OFF!" she shouted, literally kicking him out of the bed.

"THE HELL!" he shouted back as he flailed midair before landing on his ass, jaw falling to the floor as she simply flipped onto her side so her back was to him.

"Peyton-"

"Nope."

"Can I-"

"No."

"But you-"

"I don't care."

"I love you?" he offered.

"No."

"But it's cold! Can't I just-"

"Definitely not."

"PEYTON!"

She lifted her hand and gave him the finger before letting that hand slide back underneath the pillow, and she didn't say another word.

Ichigo was still gaping at her back when he felt something poke the top of his head. He glanced up and saw Nick waving at him. Ichigo used his phone to shine some light on the mute's memo pad, and his temple throbbed at what was written there.

_"Access to Peyton denied, huh? Sucks. Willing to share bed if you need one."_

"NO WAY IN HELL!"

_**

* * *

**_

_**FIVE****MINUTES LATER...**_

"Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. DAMMIT, I HATE YOU!" he whined at Peyton's back as he stayed as close to the edge of the bed as possible while Nick snored away.

"Love you too, Kurosaki."

"So you ARE awake!" he exclaimed, pointing a finger at her accusingly as if she could see it.

"Yep. Not for much longer, though."

"I'm sorry about groping you earlier."

"I know."

"Can I come back to bed now?"

"No. You're _in _bed, stupid, deal with it."

He growled to himself, and his temper flared even more at the voice in his head. **Sorry about that, King, I couldn't help myself! **

_YOU DID THAT?_

**...I might've played a part in it..**

_DAMMIT! You cost me yet another Sex Argument that involved me getting my ass whooped! Thanks a lot, you bastard. We won't be getting sex for MONTHS._

**Hey, Old Man Zangetsu was in on it too!**

_THE HELL? NO WAY!_

_**I would never take part in something so utterly stupid.**_

**LIES!**

"ALL OF YOU, SHUT UP!" Ichigo shouted at the top of his lungs, making Nick snore extra loudly and Peyton sigh.

"Talking to the voices in your head again?"

"...Yeah."

"Tell them I said hi."

"Hichigo tried to grope you earlier, you know. Just...for future reference."

"Sure, Ichigo. Blame it on your Hollow."

He sweatdropped and shook his head slowly.

_My own girlfriend would believe my Hollow's innocence over mine...How fucked up is that...?_


	7. Special Pastries, Epic Failures, & Jail!

**Me: Ugh, you guys, I've been sick with a sinus virus and stomach virus, so I've been confined to my bed with a trash can by my side. I'm still a bit sick, but I went to school, I haven't eaten in almost a week since I lost my appetite...So...Yeah, I'm not in the mood to do the cakes and all that. I typed all this up (while I should be doing Algebra homework, but screw that, I hate algebra) tonight, and I just wanna get it posted for y'all.**

**Ichigo: So consider yourselves lucky this Author's Note Doesn't take over 500 words this time! **

**Me: ...Yeah. Yeah, exactly! So, um...OH! I wanna give Ichigo's Stoned Thoughts credit to this guy's blog, Daniel Dicky, 'cause it came almost directly from that. It was hilarious, and I could see it happening so clearly, so...Yeah, it happened. XD Because, I'm sorry, but I've never had marijuana. So I have no idea how it affects you. So I Googled it. XD **

**Ichigo: Loser.**

**Me: Yeah, well, we'll see who's a loser at the end! You suffer fail after FAIL, leading up to the EPIC FAILURE OF THE AGES!**

**Ichigo: (Gulps) ...Great.**

**Me: (Snickers) Well, read, review-**

**Rukia: (Bursts through door) Sorry I'm late. ENJOOOOOOY! :D**

* * *

Peyton woke up, and almost freaked out when she realized she was the only one in bed. But then she remembered her stupid-head of a boyfriend groping her last night, and how satisfying it had been to kick him in the face.

"Ahhh, good times," she muttered to herself as she stretched, arching her back and feeling it pop almost all the way down her spine. She popped her knuckles before sitting up, rubbing her eyes with her fists.

...She then rubbed them again to make sure she was seeing that right. Yep, that was real. Ichigo was really cuddling with Nick, who looked absolutely terrified.

"Umm..."

Nick wiggled his fingers frantically for his memo pad, which was sitting on the nightstand, and Peyton tried not to erupt into uncontrollable laughter as she scooted it over to him and put one of the fancy hotel pens in his hand.

He scrawled all over the fresh page she'd turned it to, and she peered down at it. **"HELP. ME. CAN'T. MOVE. I'VE BEEN AWAKE FOR FIVE HOURS. HELPMEHELPMEHELPMEHELPM-"**

Peyton snickered, covering her mouth so she wouldn't wake Ichigo up. "Okay, I get it, you want help. Hold on. I packed it JUST in case something like this happened. Only...I expected it to happen to ME, actually," she muttered as she dug in her bag.

After a few moments, she pulled out an air horn with a triumphant yell. "Ah-HA! Here we go." Nick smirked, eager to see Ichigo's reaction.

Peyton creeped over to the other side of the bed as Ichigo continued to snore so loud that she was amazed the walls weren't shaking. After a few moments of standing on her tip-toes and getting as close to directly above his ear as possible, she pressed the button as hard as possible.

_**BRRRRRRRR!**_

"AAAAHH, _SHIT_!" Ichigo screeched, jumping about a foot into the air and spastically falling off the bed ass-first.

Peyton, who was currently perched on a chair she'd jumped on at the last second, was laughing hysterically as he rubbed his poor ass. Nick had ran into the bathroom, but she could hear _his _laughter, too.

"Peyton, that's just plain cruel!"

"No it wasn't, it was _hilarious_! Now, you scaring a mute, now THAT's cruel."

"...Huh?" he asked groggily, obviously pissed and confused. Not a good mix, by the way, especially if it's Ichigo.

"You were cuddling with Nick. Poor guy asked me to help him. So I did. Technically, that could be classified as _cheating_. You seemed to be enjoying yourself, you sure had a huge _grin _on your face," she accused, totally kidding.

"That's because I was havin' a sex dream about _you_," he muttered moodily, stomping over to the bathroom as Peyton sweatdropped. "I-I WASN'T SERIOUS!"

"HEY, NICK, HURRY UP!" Ichigo shouted, pounding on the door.

"What, did I scare the crap outta you?" she asked with a smirk.

"No, but you came VERY close to scaring the _piss _outta me."

Nick dashed out of the bathroom, cocking an eyebrow at how red Peyton's face was. She waved him off. "Don't ask."

_Sex dreams...that pervert! Then again, I HAVE been depriving him pretty bad lately..._

_**

* * *

**_

_**MAAAANY****HOURS LATER...**_

They had driven right through New Mexico and most of Arizona, only stopping for fast food and "potty breaks".

Ichigo was bound and determined to get to California by tomorrow night. Or, as he put it once they'd stopped to look at the OK Corral and he and Nick seemed to just _love _annoying Peyton with their fake Southern accents once they donned some cowboy hats (or in Nick's case, walking like a cowboy and such):

"Well, little lady, if luck's on our side, we should arrive in the Gold Rush Cuuuuntry by uhhh...by naaaghtfall tom'rrow! Maaaeeeybe even by suuuuhhhndoow-uhn."

Nick had backed this up by snapping his fingers so his pointer fingers formed guns and winking.

...Needless to say, she'd beat them up with their own hats all the way back to the gift shop they'd snatched them from (Ichigo had insisted that the Five-Finger Discount was real, saying they were free as long as they weren't caught. Unfortunately, he forgot who he was dating.) and tried to make fun of their "Non-Southern Ways" for about an hour.

After an hour, Ichigo asked her to please shut up, and that satisfied her. Especially since he'd let her drive.

Back in the present, Peyton rolled her eyes as the two morons continued to snicker from the back and tear up more paper.

They had been doing that for a good half-hour, and she had NO idea what the hell they were up to. Nor did she want to, quite frankly.

After seeing Ichigo cuddling with another guy, the _last _thing she wanted to do was adjust her rear-view mirror and see them doing rainbow-and-glitter-covered arts and crafts or something.

This turned out to be a bad idea on her part, because that meant the flying wads of paper scared the living CRAP out of her.

They waited until she had _juuuust _pulled up to a red light, then she heard Ichigo shout "FIIIIRREEEE!".

She whirled around to look at them weird, hand still on the wheel. "What the –"

That's all she was able to say, because then they had their McDonald's straws aimed for her face and started blowing and reloading spitballs like crazy.

"AAAHHHH!" she screeched, spastically trying to dodge them. So the other people in the cars next to them (due to the tinted windows) only saw the car jerking in place this way and that due to her hand still on the wheel.

"DAMMIT, ICHIGO!" she fumed, turning around as the light turned green and therefore being forced to endure the spitballs hitting the back of her hair and neck (she knew she shouldn't have worn a loose ponytail that day).

"Think of it as a bonus driving lesson: learning to ignore the worst distractions. Y'know, for when we have kids," Ichigo commented matter-of-factly, all smug-like. "I-I mean, you. When _you_ have kids," he added quickly.

Too late, the heat had already zoomed up to Peyton's face, and she was bright red.

Again.

_Damn you...! Well, at least that wiped the smugness right off his face, _she thought with a snicker.

Then she glanced through the rear-view mirror to see Nick smirking at how red _Ichigo _was, causing the latter to launch a spitball in the mute's face. Peyton made a face of her own and turned her eyes back to the road. She had seen the spit oozing off of that one from there.

_Ewwww._

* * *

Needless to say, they were all getting _veeeery _bored. So it didn't take long for Peyton to sigh miserably and ask (making sure Nick could see her through the mirror), "Okay, I'm sick of this car. Where do y'all wanna go?"

They stared off in thought.

"Hmmm..."

"Hmmm..."

"Hmm-"

"PEYTON, STOP STARING OFF IN THOUGHT LIKE THAT, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE GODDAMN ROAD!"

"SORRY, ICHIGO! H-HABIT!"

"JEEZ! YOU'RE GONNA KILL US!"

"Not us, just you."

"Why am I not surprised?" he muttered with a sweatdrop before going back to contemplating. Well, their dilemma was solved when they stopped at Sonic to contemplate some more while eating some Sonic Blasts and Coney Islands.

Who should rap on their window but Damien, the gay hotel guy!

"Haaaay, it's Ichigo and Luggage!" he said cheerfully, waving from the other side of the window.

Ichigo and Peyton grinned, while Nick looked around to figure out who the hell Luggage was. "Hey! Damien, right?" Peyton asked.

He nodded. "You remembered."

"The hell're you doing all the way out in _Arizona_?" Ichigo wondered.

Damien shrugged. "My boyfriend's band's on a little bit of a tour. So I'm traveling with 'em. You two saw me on my last day of work before I took off on vacation!"

Then a huge grin spread across his face. "Need somewhere to be?"

"How'd you know?" the two asked in unison.

"You're sitting in a Sonic parking lot with a list in huge writing saying 'Places We Could Be To Cure Our Utter Boredom,'" he pointed out with a sweatdrop, pointing to the piece of paper and clipboard sitting on Peyton's drawn-up knees.

They sweatdropped as well. "...Point."

"My boyfriend's friend's having a party at his house. All-nighter. Whaddaya say?"

Nick nodded like crazy, obviously bored out of his mind. Ichigo looked to Peyton, making her temple throb.

_Oh, NOW he wants my input!_

She was fully aware that this party would most likely – no, most definitely – involve sex, booze, drugs, and possibly rock 'n roll.

But she was _also _bored to death, and they were still making DAMN good time. San Diego was less than five hours away.

"...Okay," she finally said, making all three guys pump their fists. "YES!"

"You three are all over-age, right?" Damien asked.

Ichigo shrugged. "Nick is. And if anyone asks, so're we."

That made him laugh. "I like you, Ichigo, you know that?"

"I get that a lot."

"Well then, let's go! Just follow me in my car," he threw over his shoulder, jogging over to his car.

Which was rather interesting to watch considering his running style _and _the fact that he was wearing pink dark-rinsed skinny jeans to match the higlights in his faux-hawked dark hair.

Peyton thoughtfully wondered if those skinny jeans were still in Hot Topic. Well, preferably the teal ones, but she was willing to settle for pi-

"Earth to Peyton," Ichigo said suddenly, snapping his fingers in front of her face. She blinked before smacking his fingers out of her face, making him laugh as she rolled her eyes and re-started the car, following Damien out of the parking lot and towards what could only POSSIBLY be the worst decision of her life.

But oh, what the hell. She was a teenager. Bad decisions were supposed to be her number-one priority, right?

That was her story, and she was sticking to it.

_**

* * *

**_

_**THIRTEEN****MINUTES LATER...**_

They could hear the bass of the stereo as soon as they pulled onto the street. Which was kind of funny since it was the last house down.

"Those plants look kinda...questionable," Ichigo noted, looking at some very marijuana-looking leaves poking out from the wire gate leading to the backyard. It was visible from the side of the house.

"If they're druggies, they're not smart ones," Peyton agreed.

"Are they ever?"

"Hey, sometimes they are!"

"Maybe. But not these guys."

"Agreed."

Nick rolled his eyes and poked their shoulders, holding out a memo pad. **"We've been sitting here for 7 mins. R we getting out or what?"**

They both unlocked their doors and jumped out, shouting "HURRY UP, NICK!".

All in unison.

They exchanged a look before laughing. "I've been around you way too much," Ichigo accused, putting an arm around her shoulders as they headed up the driveway. Almost before they even reached it, the door swung open, revealing a guy in a knight's helmet with a paper sword and a shield made out of Bud Lights.

He had a Bud Light in his other hand, too, and whenever he swayed, it sloshed out a little all over his hand and the ground.

"HALT! All those who wish to enter must first answer THIS RIDDLE: Ahem." They sweatdropped as he paused to burp, which – paired up with how slurred his words were – confirmed that he was most definitely three sheets to the wind.

"Swings by his thigh, a thing most magical! Below the belt, beneath the folds of his clothes. It hangs. A hole in its front end, stiff-set and stout, it swivels about. Levelling the head of this hanging tool, its wielder hoists his hem above his knee; it is his will to fill a well-known hole that it fits fully – when at full length, that is. No doubt he's filled it before. Now he fills it again. What is it?"

Peyton was amazed he had recited all that without spacing out. Or passing out, for that matter. Ichigo grinned. "Well, that's easy. MY P-"

Peyton spastically covered his mouth. "Dumbass, no! ...It's a key."

The guy burped before grinning. "CORRECT! ENTERRRR!" he declared, swinging his arm to allow them into the party. "How'd you know that?" Ichigo wondered. Peyton rolled her eyes. "Please, I have _Seth _as a brother. I've heard 'em all."

"True."

"'Eyyy, _gringos_," an obviously-stoned guy in his mid-to-late 20s called from the bottom of the stairs. Ichigo and Peyton glanced his way; Nick had run off after noticing all the hot girls.

"Waaah some brownie cupcakes?" he asked, holding one up out of the seven Glad containers he had stacked up beside him. The sign read "_Brownie Cupcakes, $20 for 4_."

"Sure!" Ichigo exclaimed, stomach growling. Peyton sighed and smacked him upside the head. "Dumbass, don't eat _those_! You'll be higher than a kite!"

"Wait, wait, wait. Do you mean a kite flown by YOU? 'Cause –"

"No, a kite flown by the best kite-flyer in the world," she said impatiently, rolling her eyes. "Just...don't touch those. I'll be right back," she continued, going up the stairs.

"Where're you going?" he called out.

"Bathroom. There's ALWAYS a bathroom upstairs. ...Oh, NICK!" she exclaime, waving a hand to catch the mute's attention. He was currently playing Hangman with some chesty brunette.

He glanced up, and she pointed at Ichigo. "Make sure he doesn't eat those brownie cupcake thingies. I don't wanna have to babysit him all night so he doesn't do something incredibly stupid," she said, emphasizing her words as much as possible to make sure he caught it all. After a moment of staring at her lips as she spoke, he nodded before continuing to draw.

"I mean it," she added somewhat-threateningly before dashing up the stairs before she peed her pants.

She had drank her whole large cup of soda at Sonic, and she'd been holding it for _waaay _too long.

* * *

Ichigo watched her run up the stairs, then looked back at the brownie cupcakes. "...I bet she's lying. I bet she just wants to sneak the cupcake brownie things and keep them to herself. It's probably revenge for _me _having all those _cakes _and not telling her where they're coming from...Yes! That _must _be it!"

Ichigo nodded determinedly to himself, pulling out his wallet. "Besides. Who says I have to listen to Peyton, anyway? She's not exactly right _aaaalll _the time! RIGHT, NICK?"

Nick smirked, looking from him to that chick's chest as she peered over his memo pad, and nodded quickly.

Come to think of it, that chick WAS kind of hot. ...But Peyton was hotter.

"RIGHT! I'LL BUY AS MANY AS MY WALLET CAN AFFORD! _JUST _TO PROVE HER WRONG!" Ichigo declared, waving his wallet for the Mexican guy to see.

"They've got chocoliiiiit frostiiiinnn'," the Mexican guy drawled, holding one out to him. "I tell you whaaa. Joo got guss, kid."

"Guss?"

"Yeah, guss! Insidddess!" he exclaimed, making swirly motions with his hands over his stomach.

"Ohhh, _guts_!"

"Yeah, thasss whaaa I saaaid! Sooo, juss 'cause I like joo, I'll letchya have a dissscount. A whole batch for ten dollaaas," he offered, holding up two containers packed to the brim with the desert.

"DONE!" Ichigo shouted, handing him two fives and taking the two containers greedily. "Say, how many're in these?" he asked as he opened it and took one out. They had an odd smell. Kind of...grassy. But he didn't think much of it, licking a tiny bit of the icing before taking a huge bite out of the brownie-cupcake itself.

"Abouuut...sixty? Yeaaa, sixty."

Ichigo shrugged. "Cool. I'll have these down in five minutes tops."

* * *

Peyton used the bathroom and, as usual, looked at her reflection. Actually, she hadn't been doing that very often lately, but whatever. She looked a lot better today, probably due to more sleep and more time out in the sun.

It _also _helped that Ichigo hadn't been wearing her out the past couple of days, which would go right back to more sleep. She rolled her eyes and scoffed at that thought. "Not that _that's _gonna last very long...I'm feelin' kinda deprived _myself_, actually..."

She trailed off, shrugging and heading back down the stairs. When she got down there, Nick was laughing his ass off with the brunette as Ichigo continued to inhale the brownie cupcakes.

"Holy crap, these're so good! I could eat six HUNDRED of these!"

"ICHIGO DAMN KUROSAKIIIII!" Peyton shouted, stomping down the stairs. He looked up at her triumphantly, finishing off the first container and opening a second one.

"Ha! I'm eatin' all your cuuupcaaaakes, and youuuu caa-aan't stooop meee!" he teased in a sing-song voice, eating more brownie cupcakes as he sang it.

"The hell you mean by MY cupcakes?"

"Don't try and play coy, I know you were probably saving these for yourself!"

Peyton sighed exasperatedly. "Idiot, I wouldn't eat those. I'm not STUPID enough. Those aren't just brownie-cupcakes, those are 'special' brownie-cupcakes."

"What, they're for birthdays?" he asked stupidly, making her sweatdrop.

"Noooo. They're jam-packed with marijuana, Ichigo."

He slowly stopped eating, down to the last three cupcakes of the second and final container. "...Oh. Shit. My bad. ...Well, there's only three left, sooo..."

She rolled her eyes. "Not like it'll make too much a difference at this point, huh? Go ahead, dumbass."

* * *

Peyton watched him inhale them, trying not to giggle like crazy. Though she knew this would be a looooong night, she had a feeling it'd be hilarious.

Even the stoned Mexican dude was laughing at her idiot of a boyfriend.

Nick noticed she had been pissed when she first came downstairs, though, and had ran off, dragging the brunette with him. Peyton sighed and nudged Ichigo as he stared down at the two empty containers. "C'mon, moron. Might as well getchya movin' 'fore you're too stoned to walk around."

"I feel _weird_," he commented.

"Duh."

And thus the Strange Thought Processes of Ichigo Kurosaki began. Peyton dragged him over to the side of the pool outside (probably not a good idea since he'd be totally baked soon, but whatever) so she could write it all down and show him later.

She snatched a couple napkins from the kitchen, trying to avoid the guy picking people from the crowd to chug beer from the bong, and almost before she even got a spare pen from Nick after hunting him down, Ichigo was starting to say weird stuff.

"Hey, Peyton?"

"Huh?"

"I think...I think I'm gonna get in the bathtub, fill it with milk, and...and go to sleep in it. You wanna come?"

"Tell you what, how about we do that LATER?" she suggested. "I mean, you just ate a ton of pastries. Don't wanna get a cramp and drown, do you?"

His eyes widened, and even THAT looked delayed. "You...You're _sooo _riiight!"

She snorted a laugh and covered her mouth as she _continued _to laugh. He stared at the pool as if it held some kind of deep meaning.

This staring continued for about forty-seven minutes before he looked down at his feet spastically. "Holy crap. Am I the only one that can't feel my feet? 'Cause, I mean, they...they look like they're still attached but...I...I'm not so convinced. OHMYGOOODDD, Peyton, I think I might be paralyzed," he said in a panicky rush, practically hyperventilating.

Peyton sweatdropped. "Try, uh...Try stickin' 'em in the water or something. I can feel mine just fine," she suggested, wriggling her toes, which were submerged in the deep end of the pool.

"Good idea. ...Phew, okay, I feel my feet again. But...I can't feel my elbows. They've both gone numb." Suddenly, his head jerked up, and he turned to look at her. "HEY! Maybe we should go make prank calls and pretend we're Hulk Hogan."

"Ichigo –"

"Okay, fine, you can be Brooke. But _I'm _Hulk. I called it, it was my idea, DON'T YOU TRY AND STEAL IT FROM ME, THAT'S IDENTITY THEFT, AND IT'S A CRIME!" he shouted defensively.

Peyton held up her hands in surrender. "Wouldn't dream of it!"

"Good. ...Y'know...The guy that brought these brownie-cupcakes is a liiittle crazy. I mean...What the hell was I thinking EATING these? What if there's poison in them?"

He grabbed her by the shoulders desperately. "Peyton, we need to make sure everyone else eats at least one – then, that way, we ALL die. Holy crap...maybe THAT'S where cults got the idea! WE COULD START A CULT!"

"Maybe tomorrow. I'm too tired right now."

"Aww, you're...you're no fun...Heeeyyy...Are you...too, um...too...tooo..TIRED, yes, that's it...too tired to screw around before I die from Brownie-Cupcakes Poisoning?" he asked hopefully.

Peyton looked at him in disbelief, jaw on the ground. _I can't believe he just used death as an excuse to have sex with me...Oh, wait, yes I can. ...Well...I DID say I was feeling a little deprived...Oh, screw it. It'll make babysitting him easier._

"Sure, Ichigo. Why not," she said dully with a sigh. "HELL YEAH, FINALLY!" he shouted, pulling her up by her arms and dragging her back inside.

But then he tripped and fell down the stairs, so _she _ended up dragging _him_.

_**

* * *

**_

_**THIRTY**__**MINUTES**__**LATER**__**...**_

"Peyton, am I having sex?"

"Yes, Ichigo, and I'd _love _to get back to that."

"I'm having sex!"

"FANTASTIC!"

"Am I wearing a condom?"

"I SURE AS HELL HOPE SO, DAMN YOU! I WILL _NOT _GET PREGNANT AND TELL MY CHILD THEY WERE CONCIEVED THANKS TO MARIJUANA BROWNIE-CUPCAKES, ICHIGO!"

"Hold on, lemme check –"

"Nononono – dammit, Ichigo!" she whined.

"I'm wearing a condom!" he announced.

"That's splendid, can you get back inside me now?"

"Oh, right, sorry. ...Wow, my abs look so ripped right now."

"Your abs _always _look ripped."

"Who's making all that noise?"

"Monologuing? You. Answering? Me, for whatever the hell reason. Having a stupid conversation while having sex? Us. Moaning? It sure as hell ain't me this time. Or you. Dammit."

"No, not any of that. Music."

"That'd be the music. From the party. Downstairs. CAN WE _PLEASE _JUST –"

"Oh, cool, a party! Bet they know how _cool _I am now that I'm havin' sex with the hottest girl at the party," he said smugly, grinning down at her like an idiot.

"...In a weird way, that's...kind of sweet of you. ...Since you're stoned, I mean."

"Hey, look, another brownie-cupcake! It's right on the windowsill!" he exclaimed, reaching for it pathetically. "How'd you get over there? C'mere, you sly little devil...!"

Peyton sighed exasperatedly, shaking her head in disbelief. "I don't believe it. ...Why the hell am I doing this? You know what, I quit," she grumbled, sitting up and putting her clothes back on.

"Awww, c'mon, we weren't done!"

"OBVIOUSLY _YOU _WERE!"

"...Dammit," he muttered as she crossed her arms and turned away from him. "I've never felt so neglected and disappointed in my LIFE. Trumped by a brownie-cupcake," she hissed to herself as her boyfriend munched happily on the treat.

"I wonder if there really is a God..." Ichigo wondered in that faroff voice common among stoned guys.

Peyton frowned. "Obviously He hates me. This is just frigging ridiculous."

_**

* * *

**_

_**TWO**__**HOURS**__**LATER**__**...**_

"Peyton?"

"WHAT."

"Why're there still people in my house?"

"...Ichigo, this isn't your house," she replied with a sweatdrop.

"...Oh. Really?"

"Really."

"Dammit. Hey, when you turn your head, I'm taking that bagel," he announced. "Where the hell'd you _get _that?" he asked suddenly, jumping in surprise.

She sweatdropped, taking another bite. "Downstairs. I was gone for an hour."

"...Oh."

"I can tell I was missed."

"Not really, I didn't even notice you were –"

"I WAS BEING SARCASTIC, JUST STOP TALKING TO ME!" she shouted, huffing and looking at the alarm clock to the right of her.

Then she heard Ichigo shout triumphantly as he snatched her bagel, and she facepalmed herself, realizing she'd turned her head KNOWING he would do that.

"DAMMIT, GIVE IT BACK, I'M HUNGRY!"

"I'VE GOT BIGGER MUNCHIES THAN YOU! THIS IS MY HOUSE AND I CAN TAKE WHOMEVER'S BAGEL I WANT! SO SCREW YOU!"

"ICHIGO, GODDAMMIT, THIS ISN'T YOUR HOUSE, FOR THE LAST TIME!"

"Well...I still took the bagel. So still screw you."

"Screwing me isn't looking very likely for a LONG time," she threatened.

He didn't have a reply to that one, but he looked to be thinking very hard about one. Or...well, he was thinking very hard about _something_.

Fifteen minutes later, he suddenly gasped. "Peyton, I'm _so _freaking out right now."

"Why, what's wrong NOW, Ichigo?" she asked dully.

"I think I'm dying! Maybe...Maybe I should go to summer school."

"Ichigo, you made straight A's."

"NO, I also made a B, remember? What if it was mistaken for and F, and I have to retake that class? If I don't do summer school, I'll be held back, and the girls are gonna eat me alive!"

"Ichigo, you'll be fine, I promise."

"Peyton, does my breath smell?"

"Not as far as I know, and I am NOT gonna find out."

"Okay. ...Hey, I want another brow-"

"NO."

"Awww! Hey, wait, I just realized...I think there was cream cheese and turkey in that bagel of yours."

Actually, it was _just _cream cheese, but Peyton figured that telling him that might damage him beyond repair. ANYTHING could at this point.

"I would have NEVER thought of putting those two together. ...Hey, Peyton?"

"Hmm?"

"If I cut off my thumbs, would the government gimme disability checks?"

"No clue. Let's not try it. I might find use for those thumbs."

After that, he stared off into space for the next twenty minutes before announcing he was tired. So he layed down under the covers of this unknown person's bed and insisted she do the same. So of course she did.

Fifteen minutes after THAT, as he played with her hair, he suddenly had another thought. "Hey, if I buy a chocolate factory, will you try and find a cane like Willy Wonka's for me?"

"Sure, Ichigo. It could be your Happy Un-Birthday Present."

"Cool! ...But first...I need to become a lion."

"...What?"

"I wanna be a lion! ...Or...Or maybe a seal. ...NO...I GOT IT...A _sea lion_! Combine the two!"

"That's pure genius, Ichigo, I'm so happy for you!"

"Thanks, that means a lot to me," he said with a genuine sniffle. "Um...Peyton?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry, but...I can't sleep with you like this."

"You already are."

"But you're, like, burning up. A HUNDRED AND EIGHTY DEGREES! I might die!"

"Then get up."

"No, I don't want to! Why, do _you _want me to? Are you _cheating _on me?"

"No, Ichigo. No one else could test my infinite patience like _you _can," she said exasperatedly.

"Phew...Good...Hey...Peyton?"

"Yeah?"

"...Is Jurassic Park a real place?"

"No clue. I guess it _could _be..."

"We should find it...!"

"Tomorrow, okay?"

"Deal."

* * *

A few hours later, after explaining to Ichigo that Fruit Loops were NOT proper substitutes for flotation devices, he passed out. Peyton passed out not long after, despite opening her eyes and checking to make sure he still had a pulse every three seconds.

She had finally just put her head against his chest and figured she'd know if his heart stopped.

She couldn't have been asleep very long when she was woken up by a police siren. Peyton shot straight up. "Oh crap, NO!"

It was right in the driveway; she could see the lights. She heard the door getting kicked down, and she sighed miserably, shaking her head. "Nooo, nooo, nooo...if this is some kind of bust, or even if it's NOT, they're gonna notice he's baked, and..."

Ichigo groaned from beside her, rubbing his eyes. "Peyton, turn your alarm off, it's making my head hurt."

"Ichigo, that's not my alarm, that's the cops."

"WHAT?" he shouted, sitting straight up. He then clutched his head with a hiss. "Shit."

"Headache?"

"Yeah. Huge one. I feel _so _hungover...Did I drink a ton of shots or something?"

Peyton eyed him suspiciously. "Ichigo, are Fruit Loops suitable substitutes for flotation devices?"

He looked at her weird. "The hell kind of question is that?"

She grinned and glomped him, kissing him. "Good, you won't get arrested, you're not stoned!"

"Why the hell _would _I be?"

"'Cause you downed about two containers full of marijuana brownie-cupcakes."

"I did WHAT?"

"FREEZE!"

"CRAP, WE SURRENDER, WE SURRENDER!" they shouted as Ichigo slipped on his shirt, jumped into his pants, and stood next to Peyton, hands in the air.

Peyton sighed, flushing with embarrassment as his pants fell to his ankles. He'd forgotten to buckle his belt.

"Dammit, Ichigo."

"Sorry!"

"You two get downstairs, NOW. This is a drug bust, you're under arrest."

"WHAT?"

"THERE'RE DRUGS HERE?"

The cop rolled his eyes, not taking his gun off them as they headed down the stairs. "Don't pull that shit on me, I'm not stupid. Even if you didn't take any, you're still guilty by association, as it were. In the squad car, let's go!"

_**

* * *

**_

_**FIFTEEN****MINUTES LATER...**_

"This is _total _bullshit," Ichigo muttered with a shake of the head, sitting on the dirty floor of their cell with Peyton in his lap. She was starting to fall asleep, but was awake enough to nod lazily.

"Agreed," she murmured. "Where's Damien?" she wondered, looking around.

Nick held up his memo pad. "6 blocks down. The partiers filled about 8 cells total."

"Well aren't YOU just a fountain of knowledge?" Ichigo muttered. Peyton smacked his arm half-heartedly.

"Y'all, cool it. Ichigo, don't take it out on HIM just 'cause you made yourself miss out on sex when I finally agreed."

"...I DID WHAT? NAAOOO," he wailed, banging the back of his head against the wall repeatedly.

"You didn't remember that?"

"I DON'T REMEMBER _CRAP_, PEYTON, WE _ESTABLISHED _THAT!"

"...Oh. Sorry," she said with a giggle. Then she remembered she was currently in _jail_, and she let her head fall against his chest with a miserable moan. "Ichigooooo, we're so _screwed_!"


	8. Death By Sexiness & Lollipops!

**Me: We're finally back! **

**Ichigo: Yeah. Finally. It means I'm closer to getting LAID, hell YEAH!**

**Me and Rukia: (burst into laughter) Hahahaha! You're so funny!**

**Ichigo: (Temple throb) No comment.**

**Me: Well, anyway. Our first gifts are from Morcelink. Ahem. ...KOOOON!**

**Kon: COMING, MISTRESS MANDY! (Runs in with a "Get Well Soon" cake, 20 dollars, and a "Jail Award")**

**Me: (Snatches the 20 dollars) SCORE! CHA-CHING CHA-CHING!**

**Ichigo: ...I want some money.**

**Me: Go steal some.**

**Ichigo: (Smirks and snatches money before holding it as high up as possible) Noooo problem.**

**Me: (Flails spastically in mid-air, trying to grab it) NOT FROM ME, YOU BASTARD!**

**Rukia: PLEASE JUST MOVE ON WITH THE CAKES ALREADY!**

**Me: Oh. Right. Ahem. Thank you, Namine1112 (aka Alyssa) for the awesomesauce-flavored soup! It was great! **

**Ichigo: Yeah, thanks for sharing with the rest of us.**

**Me: Alyssa didn't want me to share. If she did, she woulda given it to YOU, too. BUT, Hollownature got you something. **

**Ichigo: (Perks up) Really? What?**

**Me: (Places Dunce Cap on his head) Ta-DAAAAA!**

**Rukia: (Bursts into laughter)**

**Ichigo: ...Fuck you. Fuck you all.**

**Me: No thanks. Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. We have TWO cakes from The Layman, who has a really cool profile picture XD. KOOOON!**

**Kon: ALREADY HERE!**

**Me: ...Good job. (Pats Kon's head)**

**Kon: (Practically purrs)**

**Ichigo: (Huge temple throb) GET ON WITH IT.**

**(They're both for the very first chapp. The first one is made in the shape of a brand new car. Underneath are the words "Before Peyton", and there's a thought bubble by the trunk that says "SUCCESS! Ichigo's bag...is...INFILTRATED!" The second one is the smashed remains of the first one. It says "After Peyton" below it and there's a thought bubble coming out from underneath it saying "Why my Darling Future Daughter-in-law, why? *sobbing*" )**

**Ichigo: Hahahaha, if my dad was really in that trunk, Peyton's gonna MAUL him!**

**Me and Rukia: (Facepalm) You dumbass.**

**Ichigo: WHAT? (Straightens Dunce Cap defiantly)**

**Me: ...Well, Layman has some more cakes for us! This one's for chapp number 5. **

**Kon: RIGHT-OOO! (He calls it "The Leaning Tower of Waffles"! It's fifteen stacked waffles (Happy Belated!) leaning at a 23 degree angle. There are figures of Peyton and Ichigo at the top, with Peyton in a triumphant "I did it!" pose and Ichigo hanging his head and sweatdropping. At the bottom of the tower is a Matchbox car embedded in the side.)**

**Me: Cooool! I totally figured out what it all means, by the way ;D. And now for the cake for the latest chapp:**

**Kon: ON IT! (Wheels in a cake in the shape of Mark Cullen sitting at in front of a computer looking EXTREMELY pissed. In his left hand is Old Wynona, held by the pump. Immediately to the right of the computer are a plate of half-eaten brownies. Underneath everything is a caption that says "HE KNOWS!")**

**Ichigo: (Pales) The very thought...**

**Me: Is hilarious, yeah, I know. Well, that's all I've got for ya! Besides this awesome chapp, of course. OH, AND ALSO, the idea of how they broke out of jail lollipop-wise belongs to dgj212. Thanks so much! So read, review, and -**

**Rukia: ENJOOOOOY!**

**Ichigo: (Sweatdrops at me jumping when she shouted) ...How does that still surprise you?**

**Me: I haven't updated this in a while. **

**Ichigo: Likely excuse.**

**Rukia: (Strikes dramatic Musical Finale pose with sparklers going off in the background) ENJOOOOOOY! :D**

**Me: (Runs around trying to save Ichigo's hair, which is on fire) And also, on a serious note, please pray for Japan!**

**

* * *

**

"...And isn't it true that since we haven't been convicted of anything AND we're minors, they can't hold us? In fact, WE ARE LOYAL CITIZENS OF JAPAN, GODDAMMIT, THE WORST THEY COULD DO IS DEPORT US!" Ichigo ranted, obviously pissed beyond belief.

Peyton sighed tiredly, her and Nick sitting in fetal positions on the floor and rubbing their temples. "Ichigo, _please_ shut the hell up before you get yourself jumped by someone. Because at this point, I'd probably cheer them on."

Ichigo drooped, lines of depression running down his forehead. "I take total offense to that..."

"Good, SHUT UP NOW." She paused, sweatdropping as she looked at Nick. "Wait, wait, wait. How's YOUR head hurting, you're virtually deaf!"

He scrawled down a reply before holding up his memo pad grudgingly. "_**Watching him form the words is making my eyes hurt. I can also imagine how loud his voice is, and it's killing my head. Got any Advil?**_"

Peyton chuckled at that before sighing and shaking her head. "Naw, no Advil. I'd be popping 'em in my mouth by now if I did. ...Actually, I take that back...Considering we just got busted 'cause some doofus had marijuana in their backyard, I'm not exactly eager to pop pills in front of these cops."

"...Point," Ichigo commented, and Nick nodded sadly in agreement. Peyton watched as Ichigo continued to pace furiously. "...Any ideas?"

"Does it LOOK like I have any?" was his reply. She pouted. "Well, I guess not. Do you think coming back down here'll help you think?"

"No, not really," he said in that tone that informed her he hadn't heard a word she'd said. Well, he had, but he wasn't processing it.

Fricking awesome. Peyton groaned and let her head fall against the wall. "Great idea, Peyton, let yourself get talked into going to a party. ...I was bored outta my mind, though, I mean _c'mon_!"

Nick patted her shoulder sympathetically, and she smiled appreciatively. Ichigo let out a groan of his own, making them look over at him. "What?" Peyton asked.

"I gotta pee."

She rolled her eyes and was about to suggest he just go in a corner or something when a thought suddenly occurred to her. "...Ichigo, that's brilliant! HEY, WARDEN!" Peyton shouted, standing up and bounding over to press her head between the bars of the jail cell.

One of the officers on duty glanced up from his newspaper, eyeing her with complete lack of interest. "Whadda ya want."

"I need to pee."

Everyone within a fifteen-feet-radius fell silent and swiveled their heads to look at her. She pouted at the officer. "You really don't expect me to pull down my shorts and go to the bathroom in front of all these _boys_, now, do you? I may be in jail for something I had no involvement in, but dammit, I'm still a lady!" she scolded, making him jump.

"Y-Y-Yes ma'am, there's a bathroom right down the hall," he said quickly, jumping up to grab the keys off the shelf. While he was out of earshot, Peyton turned to look at Ichigo, who had question marks going _**DING-DING-DING**_ over his head. "I'll look for a way out, that way we can make a clean getaway after we ambush 'em. Y'know, you go all Soul Reaper and I go all just plain badass."

"But all these people, Peyton, they-"

"They're all baked!"

"What about Nick?"

"What _about_ him?"

"That's the stupidest, most reckless plan I've ever heard in my life," he hissed as the officer shuffled over and started unlocking the door. "...I love it."

She beamed at him as the officer slid the door open – only enough for her to slide through if she sucked in a little. "I know, I'm a genius," she commented simply before kissing him and sliding through the door.

"Thank you, sir," she said quickly, heading for the bathroom.

* * *

Once inside, she realized she really DID have to use the bathroom. Peyton sighed in relief as she...well...used the bathroom, and frowned suddenly. "The hell do they have a floor-length mirror on the wall in front of the toilet for?" she wondered, sweatdropping.

"Who the hell wants to see themselves pee? Hmm...Maybe Ichigo's still a little stoned and can give me a stupid answer. 'Cause I think the only answer to this one IS stupid..." She shrugged as she finished up her business, looking in the mirror as she washed her hands.

She had a hint of a shadow under each eye, and she sighed heavily. "Figures. I bet if I'd had some good sex, I wouldn't look as bad...But no, the damn brownie-cupcakes ruined even THAT satisfaction for me..." That made her laugh suddenly. "I sound like a sex addict, or at the very least a slut...!"

Peyton's eyes grew wide as she heard lots of thudding, one after the other, and then her temple throbbed. "...Did that bastard start without me? ICHIGO, HOW DARE YOU, I WANTED TO SHOCK SOME PEOPLE!" she shouted, flinging open the bathroom door and running down the hall.

She slowed to a stop as dozens of formerly-jailed partiers ran, staggered, and stumbled past her. She simply blinked, looking at Ichigo for an explanation.

That look turned into a glare, one she directed at not only her boyfriend, but Damien and Nick as well. "...Who kicked ass without me present? HUH?"

They all gulped and pointed at the Mexican who had been selling the brownie-cupcakes at the party; he was still sitting on his bunk, licking a lollipop and giggling. Yes, giggling.

"YOU STONED MOTHERFU –"

"No, no, not him!" they said frantically as she advanced towards him. She jumped and blinked at them. "...You _pointed_ to him!"

"No, I meant to point at _that_ guy," Ichigo said simply, pointing to a guy in uniform leaning on the bars NEXT to the Mexican. Nick and Damien nodded like crazy, and the guy in uniform huffed. "...Way to sell me out, Dee. I feel so loved."

"Honey, you should know that I'm smart enough to never mess with a pissed-off Southern gal," Damien replied, making him and his apparent boyfriend laugh.

Peyton grinned a little, but then her attention swiveled over to the policemen giggling to her left. She sweatdropped at the sight: they were all sitting either in chairs, on the desk, or on the floor. They were all licking lollipops, too, just like the Mexican.

"...The hell's goin' on around here?"

Ichigo shook his head with disappointment. "Damien's boyfriend gave everyone marijuana-packed lollipops."

"Did you get one?"

"Oh, HELL NO. I'm never going anywhere _near _weed again!"

Damien cocked an eyebrow. "I didn't peg you as a straight-edged, no-nonsense kinda guy, Ichigo."

He shook his head. "I'm not. ...But I'm not missing out on sex EVER AGAIN." Peyton sweatdropped as he drooped, lines of depression yet again running down his face. "It's like marijuana...is a de-hornyalizer...Seeing Peyton naked didn't turn me on at all...THAT'S NOT HUMANLY POSSIBLE! MARIJUANA EQUALS DRY SPELL! NEVER AGAIN!"

The other guys looked at Peyton, probably expecting her to smack him upside the head or something, and she just shrugged. "...I'm kinda flattered."

Sweatdrops abounded on that one, and Nick scribbled something before holding it up sadly. "_**Ichigo...is SO lucky...**_"

"Yeah, I know," Ichigo replied, putting an arm around Peyton's shoulders. She just shook her head with a smile. "Can we just get outta here before someone in their right mind shows up?"

"Agreed," they all replied (minus Nick, who just nodded quickly), running out of the jail house. The Mexican staggered after them. "Hey, wait up, I need a ride!"

"NO WAY!"

"Aww...And to think I wasted my drugs on you, hombre..."

"Yeah, that's ONE ROUND OF SEX I'LL NEVER GET TO ENJOY, YOU BASTARD!"

Peyton patted his chest distractedly as she hopped into the passenger seat. "Hey, let it go. You get to drive, and if you play your cards right, you _just might_ get a chance to redeem yourself later."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"I love you!" he declared, putting the car in drive and flooring it in reverse. Unbeknownst to them, Isshin had just weakly crawled back into the trunk after bursting through the doors of the jail house to free them. He had been about to shout "I'M HERE TO SAVE YOU, YOUNG LOVERS!", but then he had gotten tackled by all the partiers.

Now, as the trunk snapped shut and they sped out of the parking lot, Justin Bieber was busy barging into the jail himself. "ICHIGO, I'VE COME TO REPAY YOU!" he announced, pausing for any pictures of him that might be taken.

He was used to that by now, after all.

He looked around, noticed the giggly officers singing a rather horrible version of "Oh Susanna," and he sighed in defeat. "Damn...Too late."

"HEY, IT'S JUSTIN BEAVER!" one announced, pointing at an empty jail cell. Someone moved his hand so that he was pointing at the actual Justin, and he looked at the guy with wide eyes. "Thanks, man...I love you, man..."

"Dude...No problem, dude..."

"HEY! Let's sing 'Baby'!"

"YEAH! IN HONOR OF JUSTINE!"

"JUSTIN."

"JUSTINEEEE!"

"BAAABYYY, BAAABYY, BAAABYY-OOOOHHHH!"

Justin's temple throbbed majorly, and he stomped out of the jail cell. "Goddammit."

* * *

"So how far away is San Diego?" Peyton asked as Ichigo drove like crazy, obviously beyond happy at the moment.

"No clue," he said cheerfully.

"...Any idea where you're going?"

"Nope!"

"...Awesome. How about I get the map?"

"Good call."

"Right," she replied with an eyeroll. Damien honked his horn as he passed them, and they all waved to him and his boyfriend as they took the other freeway.

"Alrighty, looks like we're abouuuuut...well, only a few hours away!" Peyton announced happily. Ichigo glanced down at the map once they hit a red light, and after a few moments, he nodded. "Cool. Let's head for El Cajon, then. It's only about twenty-somethin' minutes away from San Diego, and I'd say we earned the right to rest after all THAT crap."

Peyton and Nick shrugged, so they did just that. "El Cajon it is."

_**

* * *

**_

_**THREE****HOURS LATER...**_

"Okaaay, sooo, we're looking for a hoteee –"

Nick cut Peyton off, tapping their shoulders spastically. "What?"

He pointed to their right, and they sweatdropped. "_**'Muerte Por Sensualidad Bar And Grill'**_? _**'Free Entertainment'**_," Ichigo read. He and Peyton exchanged a look, and all three of their stomachs started growling.

"...Let's go," Peyton said eagerly, and Ichigo swerved into the right lane, making the other two spastically re-fasten their seatbelts and tighten them as much as possible. "Jeez, don't kill us before we get there!" she shouted, temple throbbing. "And you say I'M a scary driver..."

Once they got inside, Peyton felt a red flag go up in the back of her head. It had poor lighting, what lights they had were neon, and sexy music was playing. "Um...Does anyone know Spanish?" she asked.

Nick and Ichigo shook their heads, and she continued to ponder as they found a table. "Lemme see, 'muerte' means 'death', and 'por' means...um...'for' or...'the'...or...'by', or SOMETHING. And 'sensualidad'...hmm..."

"Does it matter? They sell food. FOOD, Peyton, FOOD," Ichigo said happily, looking at the waitress. Peyton's eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets at her outfit – if you could even call it that. "Okay, does anyone else –"

"Um, yeah, I'll have twelve cheeseburgers," Ichigo said eagerly, making the others sweatdrop. He shrugged. "I've heard marijuana gives ya the munchies. I guess it's true."

Peyton facepalmed and shook her head. "...I'll have what he's having."

Nick and Ichigo looked at her like SHE was the freak, and she glared at Ichigo. "Lack of sex makes me hungry. So screw you."

"I'd _love_ for you to screw me."

"I know you would."

Nick rolled his eyes and held up his pad, handing it to the waitress. Peyton watched with a sweatdrop at how openly he was staring at her boobs while she read it over, and the blonde giggled before handing it back to him. "You got it, bucko. That'll be eighty bucks."

"EIGHTY BUCKS?" Ichigo and Peyton repeated.

Nick handed her the money like it was no big deal, and Peyton sweatdropped as the waitress winked at him, took it, and bounded off. "Okay, three things: One, what the HELL kind of food costs eighty bucks? This stuff better taste like heaven, chocolate, and orgasms all rolled into one. And secondly, where the hell does a DRIFTER get eighty bucks in the first place? AND ONE OTHER THING, what is WRONG with you?" Peyton asked, looking at Ichigo curiously.

"Me?" he asked, looking really confused.

"Yeah. You didn't look at her boobs, or...or her ass when she was walking away...which I am POSITIVE was visible through that underwear or shorts or whatever the hell THAT was supposed to be...You didn't look at all! Are you still stoned?"

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "...You're a moron."

"ME?"

"Yes, you. Why WOULD I look at that?"

"I dunno, the last time I checked, you were ENTIRELY male, so..."

"Yeah, but I get to look at you all I want, so...I'm good," he said with a shrug. Nick facepalmed as Peyton's eyes got all big and sparkly. "...Awwww...! That...is the sweetest thing I've ever heard! Especially from YOU!"

Ichigo eyed her suspiciously. "...Are you on your period?"

"If I were on my period, I wouldn't be letting you get away with trying to grope me under the table."

"Ah. Point taken."

Nick sighed and shook his head, holding up his pad. "_**You've got the weirdest relationship **__**I've ever seen.**_"

They shrugged. "It works, though," Ichigo replied simply. Peyton pointed accusingly at Nick, making him jump a little. "ANYWAY. Answer my questions!"

He held up a finger in an "Ah, right." kind of way, scribbling away on his pad. "_**The meal didn't cost $80, anything better than a lap dance did. As for the 80 in my wallet, I won that in a bet with some guy at the party.**_"

"Oh. That makes sense." Then the two looked at each other before asking in unison, "Wait, LAP DANCE?"

"What the hell kind of joint IS this?" Peyton wondered. Ichigo snapped his fingers suddenly. "OH, PEYTON! Sensualidad means 'sexiness'! Chad taught me that one!"

"So...'Death By Sexiness'...Hey, Ichigo, do you think this place might be a –"

Peyton and Ichigo's jaws dropped as the lights got even lower, replaced by purple-lighted lamps on the tables and the stage. The sexy music turned even sexier, and a scantily-clad chick got on the stage, perching on the back of the chair.

"...Nevermind, I'm sure now. This is most definitely a strip joint."

Nick rolled his eyes and did his usual Scribble-Scribble-Slide routine, holding it out underneath the purple lamp. "_**For a couple of lovers, ya sure are naïve!**_"

They huffed and folded their arms in response, and before they could come up with good enough comebacks, Nick was dragged away by the waitress from before.

Peyton gawked at the girl on stage as she balanced on the top of the chair's back with three fingers, contorting the rest of herself in a graceful-yet-slutty position, back arched and whatnot. "How the hell...How is that possible? There are GYMNASTS out there who can't do that!"

Ichigo sweatdropped at her statement, then seemed to think about it for a moment. "...Well, actually...Minus the chair-balancing thing, you wound up in a position like that once..." Peyton shrugged. "Probably, but still. Without the balancing, it just ain't all that impressive."

"Still fun, though."

"Yeah."

It was quiet for a few moments as Peyton drank some more of her Pepsi before making a face._ Ugh, note to self: Pepsi still sucks. SUCKS._ She jumped a little as something poked her bare arm (_Mom would maul me if she knew I had my elbows on the table_), and she glanced down to see a napkin folded in half with her name on the top.

It was pretty obvious who it was from, but even if she didn't know who was next to her, she would've been able to tell by that sloppy handwriting – it was sort of blocky, and some of his letters, like his E's, looked like capitals no matter where they were in the sentence. Peyton glanced at him before unfolding it.

"**Will you go out with me? **

**_ Yes _No _Maybe**"

She laughed before putting a huge "_X_" on the Yes slot and sliding it back to him. He actually read it as if he expected some other answer. Then he grinned and picked her up, slinging her over his shoulder. "Let's go then!"

"Ichigo, you are SO damn lucky I didn't bang my head just then," she replied between giggles. Once they were outside, he set her down, settling with just her hand in his grip instead. "Where're we headed?"

"No clue."

"Oh, so it's one of those Totally-Winging-It Dates."

"Yep."

"Good enough for me."

"..."

"...Ichigo?"

"Mm?"

"Can we go somewhere with waffles?"

"At two in the morning?" he wondered with a sweatdrop. She sweatdropped as well. "God damn, Ichigo, it's like you've just totally forgotten who you're dealing with...!"

He laughed and grabbed her by the shoulders, steering her in the other direction. "Point taken. I think I saw a Waffle House this way..."

"Waffle House?"

"Yeah, Waffle House."

"Oh God...They have _no _idea what's heading their way, do they?"

"They haven't the foggiest."

"...Should we get insanely drunk first?" Peyton asked suddenly. Ichigo sweatdropped. "...Why?"

"Well, you've never been to a Waffle House in the United States. You don't know what you're in for."

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "I'll take my chances. For all I know, getting _hammered _could de-hornyalize me too."

Of course, the look on his face when they entered the Waffle House made Peyton laugh out loud. There was a group of drunken girls and an extremely drunken ringleader in a wedding dress (she was dancing on the table) in one corner, puke on the floor in another corner, and one of the employees had just thrown a coffee pot at some guy's head.

"YOU BASTARD, I GAVE YOU _EVERYTHING_!" she sobbed, mascara running down her face.

"Welcome to Waffle House, can I get you something to drink?" a woman asked, practically pushing them towards a booth, obviously desperate for _some _normalcy.

"...Beer. _Please_," Ichigo said almost immediately.

"Can I see some ID?"

"I...left it in the car?" he offered, and Peyton let her forehead plop into her hand as she shook her head slowly.

"Oh, that's no big deal then. I'll getchya a pint if you don't tell anyone," she said with a wink before walking off.

Peyton and Ichigo exchanged a look, jaws dropping to the floor. "I can't believe that worked!"

"Me either!"

"...You're gonna let me have some, right?"

"Of course I am, Peyton."

"Good boy."


	9. Crabs, Mike Ness, & The Popped Question!

**Me: Welcome back, guys!**

**Ichigo: YOU'RE the one who left, dumbass.**

**Me: You know what? I'm in a hurry, so I'mma leave that alone. I'm editing and posting this right before skill, and I've got less than ten minutes but I really wanted to post this before I got my makeup work for being on a trip to Dallas with my school choir. We got good placings and gold ratings, by the way, so the teachers can't say SHIT to me!**

**Ichigo: Chyeah they can, if they want to. Choir's stupid.**

**Me: YOU try singing like we do with the correct posture and vowel useage...Especially when you live in the SOUTH!**

**Ichigo: I could do it.**

**Me: Then I dare you to try and rehearse like we do until our next concert. ANYWAY, read, review, en-**

**Rukia: (Bursts through the door) ENJOOOOY!**

**Me: ...I shoulda seen that coming, I suppose.**

* * *

"I supported you for a whole damn YEAR while you searched for a job!"

"Oh, and that compares to the fact that you cheated on me with my best friend?"

"SHE WAS DRUNK!"

"YOU WEREN'T!"

"...She was hot."

"Ugh, YOU!"

"YOU cheated on ME, too!"

The waitress paused in throwing objects at him to put a hand on her hip, cocking aforementioned hip and gaping at him in disgust. "Why, I NEVER! I ain't been cheatin' on nobody!"

Ichigo and Peyton exchanged another "Shoot Me Now" look as he slid the beer over to her end. She gulped down some more and slid it back to Ichigo as the other couple continued to fight.

"Oh you AIN'T? Then how come I got crabs from you...AFTER we started datin'?"

"Maybe you got it from STACY, MY BEST FRIEND, YOU ASSHOLE! ...Wait...You have crabs?"

"YEAH, I have crabs! My balls itch all the time now!"

"...You...You dumbass! JUST because your balls itch does NOT MEAN you have crabs, you IGNORANT HICK!" she shouted, throwing another coffee pot. This time, it cut him on the forehead, and Peyton and Ichigo exchanged a look as the two got into a physical fight.

"Should we break it up?"

"Naaah, Peyton, the worst they'll do is pull hair."

"...Time to go?"

"I'd say BEYOND time to go."

The girl in the wedding dress suddenly staggered off the table and over to them, draping herself across Ichigo's lap. "NOOOO!" she wailed. "YOU PROMISED YOU'D GIMME A LAP DANCE, IT'S WHAT I PAID YOU FOR!"

"Ash, that's NOT the male stripper!" a friend assured her, laughing nervously as she yanked her friend off Ichigo's lap as he turned bright red. She looked him up and down before blushing a little. "Although, I kinda wish he was," she whispered to the other friend as they dragged the bride-to-be away.

Ichigo couldn't help but grin as Peyton tried not to let the slight-jealousy-mostly-annoyance show on her face. "...Yeah, time to go."

They practically bolted out of the Waffle House, dodging the frisky fiancee and fighting couple, and once outside, exchanged heavy sighs of relief and exhaustion.

"How come our dates're always this random?" Peyton wondered. Ichigo shrugged. "Isn't it obvious?"

"No."

"_You're_ always part of our date."

She paused, then nodded thoughtfully. "Point taken." No sooner had they decided the night could still be salvaged when they heard a rather familiar howl, followed by _another_ howl, followed by three collective roars.

Hollows.

Peyton groaned as Ichigo went Soul Reaper, catching his body just in time and dragging it along with her as she attempted to keep up with him. "Ichigo-damn-Kurosaki, I just KNOW you're not even THINKING about leaving me behind right now!"

"Aww, c'mon, you gotta watch my body! Pleeease?" he asked, turning around to look at her.

For some reason, the way he'd looked at her when he said that made her decide she'd listen to him for whatever reason for the first time in...well...possibly ever. Plus, she _was_ a bit tired...

She glared at him before slowing to a stop and stomping over to the curb, sitting dejectedly with her arms crossed and a huge pout on her face. "...Fine. I didn't wanna go anyways.

* * *

_**LATER****...**_

Ichigo finally found the Hollows surrounding several ghosts of what appeared to be three teenage girls and one guy. He groaned, counting at least six. "Maybe Peyton SHOULD have come with me..."

He went to work, trying to slice them as quickly as possible so he could get back to his body. If he took a short time, maybe his chances of ACTUALLY taking her out for the first time in a while would go back up.

And that's about when Rukia showed up, jumping into view a little ways ahead of him as she sliced a Hollow in half, right down the middle.

His jaw dropped as she took out two more, and he took out the last one. "Rukia? The hell're YOU doing here?" he practically shouted.

The dead teens looked even more scared, huddling together. Rukia turned to look at them. "Later, Ichigo. For now, we need to get these souls moving."

"Souls?" one repeated.

"We're, uh...we're dead?" the guy asked slowly, stunned.

Rukia and Ichigo nodded, and the kids exchanged looks. "The car..."

"Car wreck?" Ichigo suggested, and they all shrugged. "Guess so. We were trying to outride the cops."

"Why the hell would you do THAT?" Rukia asked in disbelief.

"Drugs in the backseat," the guy and one of the girls replied in unison, making Rukia sweatdrop as a weird look crossed Ichigo's face. "Well, um, forget about the drugs, yeah. DRUGS SUCK!" he announced, making her sweatdrop even more.

"...Right."

After they performed Soul Burial, Ichigo looked at her expectantly. "Well? Why're you here?"

"Oh, a Chappy Convention," she commented simply with a shrug. He sweatdropped, and she eyed him warily. "What, Ichigo? What's puzzling you _now_?"

"A convention? But...Earlier, you made it seem like your reason was oh-so-important...!" he accused, waving an arm in her general direction.

Rukia rolled her eyes, shook her head, and went the other way. "Well, I have a hotel to check into. I'm sure you were busy trying to screw Peyton or something, so I suppose I should let you get back to that."

"You should."

"ASSUMING, of course, you have a condom, Ichigo? Or is that her job this time? You know they have condoms for women, right?"

"Rukia, you're not my mom. It's not your job to scar me for life, but if we keep having this conversation, you're going to."

"Right!" she said impatiently, flash-stepping away. Ichigo sweatdropped. "...I think that's the most compliant she's been to leave a sex conversation..."

* * *

_**FIFTEEN **__**MINUTES **__**LATER**__**...**_

When he got back, Ichigo sweatdropped yet again. Peyton was asleep on the curb, his body in her arms, and a hobo poking her in the ear with a banana.

"...The hell? HEY!" he shouted, running over and shouting for a good minute before remembering he wasn't in his body and the hobo couldn't see or hear him. Ichigo went back into his body, startling the old hobo.

"HEY. That's my girlfriend you're prodding. Get lost," he practically growled. No telling where the hell that banana had been.

Sure enough, the hobo opened and closed his mouth like a fish a couple times before stepping away backwards, turning around, and running off. Ichigo couldn't help but laugh, sliding away from Peyton to gently shake her awake. Her head shot up, eyes still closed, to mutter, "I wasn't asleep, my eyes were resting."

"Uh-huh. Right."

"I wasn't asleep!" she whined, rubbing her eyes. Ichigo was sitting on the curb, feeling subconsciously creepy for just looking at her and smiling like he was at the moment but not really caring. "Peyton?"

"Unh?"

"You're beautiful."

She froze mid-eye-rub and looked at him funny. That funny look then fell into an exasperated one. "Alright, I may be horny too at this point, but honestly, flattery has NEVER made me wanna screw you any more or any sooner than before, Ichigo."

He rolled his eyes and shook his head, standing up and grabbing her hands, pulling her up with him. "No, not that. Really. You are. Sometimes I forget about it, but then you always do something really random or even stupid that somehow reminds me."

She couldn't help but smile, and his stomach flipped as usual when she leaned in and kissed him. Peyton kissed his cheek too before suddenly a really mischievous (and quite honestly downright sexy) smirk crossed her face.

"I got an idea."

She dragged him towards a random building, then pulled him into the first elevator she saw once inside. "Pick a floor," she declared, pointing to the elevator room buttons. Ichigo eyed her strange before doing as she said, picking a random floor: the eleventh.

Once they got up there, Peyton looked around before dragging him into the ice and vending room. The lights were off, so the only thing lighting them up was the Coke machine. She grinned at him, hands on her hips. "Well? You gonna fuck me, or what?"

Ichigo's jaw hit the floor, having never heard her talk like that before. _Holy shit, just how horny IS she...?_

He pratically flew over to her, one arm wrapping around her and the hand of the other arm shooting up to her hair. "You bet your sweet ass I am."

* * *

_**TWO ****HOURS LATER...**_

"Oh..."

"My..."

"GOD," they said together, breathing heavier than ever before.

"That was the best yet," Ichigo declared, his face buried against her bare stomach. She made a noise of agreement, her fingers continuing to run through and occasionally tug at his hair. "Yeah. Best. Maybe it was the ice machine?"

"It had good timing."

"Yeah."

They were currently laying on the floor of an ice and vending room of a random hotel, having been Peyton's idea to find the randomest room of whatever was the closest.

Which was this hotel.

She was so amazed that she was finally about to get laid that she hadn't even noticed what the name of the hotel was, and Peyton honestly could say she couldn't care less.

It was quiet for a few moments as her head continued to pound and they both continued to try and catch their breath, when suddenly Ichigo said something suddenly loud in the silence.

"...Wouldn't it be great if we could just lay like this for...I dunno, forever?"

She smiled a little, closing her eyes and remembering thinking something like that a long time ago. "We've been doing pretty good with it so far."

"..."

"..."

"...Marry me."

She giggled, but then she trailed off after registering the tone he used. She gaped at him as he shifted his head to look over at her. "...You weren't kidding."

"Nope. Marry me, Peyton."

"What?"

"Marry me. Let's get married. ...You know what marriage is, right?"

She rolled her eyes. "YEAH, I know what marriage is. I've seen the process quite a few times."

"Then let's do it. C'mon, let's get married."

"Now?"

"Now."

"But..."

"But what?"

"Ichigo, we're sixteen."

"I won't be in less than three days!"

"Okay, I'M sixteen. _You're_ only gonna be seventeen!"

"So?"

"Ichigo, you don't have a ring anyways."

"I can get one."

"Ichigo, my family would flip."

"And my dad and sisters wouldn't?"

"Ichigo, Dad'll kill you. Seth'll help him."

"I can take 'em on."

"Ichigo!"

"What?"

"I'm not even of legal AGE to be married without permission from my parents, and do you REALLY see my dad saying yes to that?"

He frowned. "...I guess you're right." Suddenly, he grinned. "But the way you're talking, it means you want to, right?"

Her temple throbbed. "It doesn't mean that at all!" He crossed his arms, folding them on top of her stomach and propping his chin against them. "Well then, lemme ask you this way. Peyton, if we were eighteen and your family said yes and I had a ring, and I asked you to marry me, would you?"

She gaped at him even further. "H-Hypothetically?"

"Yeah."

"...Yeah, I guess so."

He rolled his eyes. "It's not an 'I guess so' kind of question, jeez. I'm asking you to marry me. That's supposed to be a life-long deal. No backing out. Yes or no. So, I'll ask you again. About two years or so from now, Peyton, will you marry me?"

She felt the blood rush to her face as she tried to measure how serious he was. Judging by his expression and tone, he was pretty damn serious. She supposed that made sense, too. Ichigo was the type of person that when he loved someone, he loved them with just about all the commitment in the world.

Which...considering this was Ichigo she was talking about, sounded really weird, but it was true. She'd come to realize that pretty quick. But even so, Peyton never imagined he'd go this far. Ever.

This WAS still Ichigo Kurosaki. Ichigo wasn't the marriage type. Neither was she. That's why it worked.

Not to mention they were SIXTEEN. DID SHE MENTION SHE WAS SIXTEEN?

_There's no way I met the guy I'm gonna marry when I was fifteen...There's no way. I can't marry you, I can't! ...Can I? I mean..._

"I'm about to say something really cheesy, but I'm saying it anyway," Ichigo warned, letting his hands slide up to cup her face as he looked her in the eyes.

She gulped.

"Peyton, you've been my first for...everything. And I want you to be my last. ...Will you marry me? ...In two years or so?" he asked again, searching her face for some sort of hidden clue.

She found herself nodding before she could make up her mind, and decided the answer was inevitable.

"Y-...Yes," she practically breathed, nodding even quicker. He grinned like an idiot, and she found herself grinning too. "Yes. Yeah, I will!" she repeated, laughing as he kissed her mouth and other random parts of her face. "I'm gonna hold you to that," he warned.

"I know."

_Oh my God, what the hell did I just agree to...?_

* * *

After the initial shock-slash-dread-slash-excitement was out of both their systems, it was dead quiet as he wrapped her arms underneath her, holding her even closer to him.

He'd held her before, of course, but Peyton could feel a huge difference. It was like some sort of shift had occurred without anyone telling her beforehand, and suddenly he had become...well...she didn't even know. _More obvious of a romantic idiot? That's a good way to put it,_ she decided.

Peyton must have fallen victim to the shift, too, because it felt different to kiss the top of his head while playing absentmindedly with his hair.

She couldn't figure out what had caused the shifts in them and their relationship, but she decided they weren't bad. Except for the one that involved getting married. SHE, Peyton Alicia Cullen, the queen of "marriage is overrated, you'll divorce soon anyway or one of you will die so there's no point," ...had just agreed to marry someone in two years.

_...I'm such a moron...!_

As if on cue, they heard noises outside the door to the ice/vending room. Someone was stumbling and laughing, and a weird-looking guy fell through the door, landing flat on his face.

Peyton practically flew into her bra, shirt, and underwear. Ichigo was already in his pants. "Remember the goddamn belt buckle this time," she hissed, and he jumped before spastically adjusting aforementioned buckle.

Then she cocked her head to inspect the guy as he rolled over so his face was facing the sky, deciding he was a familiar kind of weird.

She'd seen him before.

After a few moments of thought and exchanged looks, Ichigo and Peyton made the same connection, eyes widening and gasping in unison. "MIKE NESS?"


	10. Abuse, Drunkenness, And Guns!

**Me: YOUGUYS. I'm not dead! Yay!**

**Rukia and Ichigo: (holding up pennants saying "Mandy's Alive!" with dull expressions) Yaaay.**

**Me: I...AM SO SORRY! You have no idea how sorry I am! See, I dunno if ya'll know this, but I live in Memphis. Well, every other week. I happen to live in Memphis and a town about 20 minutes east of it. ANYWAY. As you can imagine, I've been kind of preoccupied with the "Flood of the Century", and all the storms, and all that fuuuun stuff. I saw a tornado! ...That touched down, um, less than a block from my house. And it was fat. And I saw no cows. And I was majorly disappointed. Luckily, it went back up and only one house got wrecked, which sucks for them, but it's better than our whole town being wiped out like the one to the south of us. I heard from the weather station that it would have been an F-5 just like that one, too, so THANK GOD. I am serious. Also, I was busy with final exams (I had to take them all because I had over 14 absences thanks to my sucky immune system and my damaged knee). **

**Ichigo: (Pokes knee brace)**

**Me: (Whacks him with gauntlet) BITCH, DON'T TOUCH THAT!**

**Ichigo: OW! PSYCHO BITCH!**

**Me: YOU'RE the bitch!**

**Ichigo: No, YOU'RE the bitch!**

**Me: Maybe so, but YOU sir, are PEYTON'S BITCH.**

**Ichigo: ...Shut up.**

**Me: Uh-huh. ANYWAY. So, yeah. That on TOP of the fact that I had severe cases of writer's block for nearly all my stories, including this one and my Kingdom Hearts sequel. Which made me sad. BUT NOW, my friends, I am BACK! With a new chapp! AND I'm finally doing cakes and stuff again! Yay! WHEEL 'EM IN!**

**Kon: HAPPY TO, MISTRESS MANDY! (Wheels in Cake Number One, from The Layman. It's in the shape of a hotel door and has a sign hanging off the handle that says "Do not disturb; Rukia is playing with a bunch of Chappy swag".)**

**Ichigo: ...What the fuck?**

**Me: I like it. :D**

**Rukia: I**

** For me, the author, a giant waffle that has bacon inside of it with starwberries on top. And now to the super mega huge cake! The first layer is rectangular shaped. It's chocolate flavored and in the middle has Reece's chocolate. The second layer is circular and is made of chocolate but has ice cream in the middle. The last layer is triangular (also chocolate flavored) and it has whipped cream in the middle. I also send you an exact replica of the twin towers but its made out of vanilla cake and is covered in melted Reece's chocolate and it says "IM SORRY FOR NOT REVIEWING IN SO LONG!" written in frosting. Aaand she sends ichigo $10. Its "my small contribution for the future Mrs. Kuroskai's wedding ring". She also sends him a giant heart-shaped strawberry and chocolate flavored cake. It says " if you are whipped now, just wait till you get married :D"**

**Ichigo: ...I'm not whipped.**

**Everyone: YEAH RIGHT!**

**Carmen: The day you become non-whipped is the day I get found officially.**

**Me: Which will be never, so there you have it!**

**Ichigo: ...Whatever, I'm not gonna argue all day about this!**

**Me: 'Cause you know it's true!**

**Rukia: ANYWAY. Morcelink asked us a question, and we wanna know your answers, too! "What's your favorite Bleach opening and ending so far?"**

**Me: AND, I'd like to thank my latest reviewer, Winter Night. Thanks, I'm glad you like it, and it's cool to know you're Southern and a red-head too. We're far and in-between, y'know. **

**Ichigo: I heard all redheads were supposed to die out by the end of the 21st century. I for one will be glad to see you go.**

**Me: But if I went, Peyton would go too.**

**Ichigo: ...I hate you.**

**Me: I know. We love you too, Ichigo. Anyway, I'm glad to be back! Read, review, and**

**Rukia: ENJOOOY! **

* * *

The man-in-question started laughing, and when he spoke, his words were slurred. "Yeeeaahh, thass me."

"Holy crap!" they shouted in unison again. Mike Ness, lead singer and frontman of Social Distortion, was spread-eagled on the floor, drunk and on the brink of passing out.

"What're you doing here?" Ichigo wondered as Peyton picked up the brown sack Mike had dropped on the way inside. "What's this?" she wondered, discovering it was a bottle.

"Whaaaddaya mean?"

"You're supposed to be in San Diego. You know, the last stop for your tour?" Peyton prompted before taking a sip. It burned a little, but she kind of liked the taste, so she kept drinking. After a few moments of staring at them blankly, he suddenly nodded. "Right. RIGHT! Thanks for the tip, sugar," he said groggily.

"Sugar?" Peyton repeated with a sweatdrop, licking the drink off her lips before drinking some more. Ichigo sweatdropped as well, shaking his head. "Yep. He's completely wasted. ...Peyton, what's that?"

"I dunno. It's Mike's. Tastes good, though."

"...Okay then. Well, what're we gonna do?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Umm..."

"Ichigo..."

"Huh?"

"Maybe he should just hitch a ride with us to San Diego," Peyton said thoughtfully, making Ichigo's jaw drop as she licked her lips again. Her head was starting to feel a little buzzy and light, and she felt warm all over. "WHAT? Another hitchhiker? You just _really_ don't want me to get laid, do you?"

_**THWACK**_!

"Ow, dammit!" Ichigo groaned, rubbing the back of his head from where she chunked a soda can at it.

Mike erupted with laughter, rolling around. "That's the funniest damn thing I've ever seen! Look at her FACE!" he exclaimed as Ichigo continued to whine. Peyton's death glare made them both shut up real fast.

"...Ichigo, this is Mike frigging NESS we're talking about! We can't just _leave him here_!"

"Yeah, but –"

"Ichigo. He's coming with us. End of story."

Ichigo scowled a little as they helped him up; he reeked of alcohol. "I could've sworn this was a trip for MY birthday, and yet you're calling all the shots."

"I'm the woman. You better get used to it, _you're_ the one who asked me to marry you," she said matter-of-factly, making a shiver go up her own spine. She started to feel groggy, too, but at the same time she was sort of...hyper.

She smiled as she noticed Ichigo grin out of the corner of her eye, but the silence was broken by Mike giggling.

"...Ichigo?"

"Huh."

"Mike Ness just giggled in my ear."

"I know."

"Something's horribly wrong here. He's not the type to giggle."

"I know."

Ichigo sweatdropped as she dropped Mike before running around in circles, tossing the brown sack with the bottle in it in some random direction. "WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!"

"Peyton, calm the hell down and let's just get him to the car!" he shouted, making her skid to a stop. He picked up the brown sack, sniffed it, then made a face. "Jeez, what _is_ this?"

"THAT, boy, is Everclear. Strongest beer legal on the shelves of the US. Has something like 190 proofs, it's 95% alcohol. Has a kick, don't it?" he asked Peyton, who nodded somewhat groggily. **(A/N, Yes. This alcohol really does exist. Google told me, as did my father. :D)** She then hiccuped and swayed, making Ichigo sigh.

"How much of this stuff did you drink, Peyton?"

"Only a _little_," she said defensively. "I can't help it that I'm such a cheap date," she muttered, hiccuping again. She then pouted up at him. "Ichigo?"

"What?" he groaned, finally getting Mike up and continuing to drag him.

"My feet hurt."

"..."

"..."

"...NO."

* * *

_**FIFTEEN****MINUTES LATER...**_

"My. Life. Sucks. Ass," Ichigo muttered to himself, Peyton on his back as he dragged Mike beside him. Of course, for once there was no input from her, since she was out cold. Eventually, ignoring the weird looks from passersby (which he was used to doing after being around Peyton for so long), he finally made it to the car.

He dumped Peyton in the passenger side before dropping Mike in through the sun roof, hoping just a little that he at least got a couple bruises from the fall.

Don't get him wrong, Mike Ness was still practically his idol. But he WAS drunk beyond belief, which meant he was annoying, and Ichigo HAD just hauled his alcohol-reeking ass all the way across town. Plus, he was the reason Peyton was now drunk beyond belief. _So help me, if she throws up on me..._

Ichigo stomped his way into "Muerte Por Sensualidad". He stomped right past the food, beer, and occasional strippers, looking like a pissed man on a mission.

"NICK, TIME TO GO!" he shouted, looking around quickly. Of course, right after he said that, he remembered Nick couldn't hear him, and he muttered a rather loud "DAMMIT" before stomping around some more.

He also had just realized he was extremely hungry.

Double dammit.

He was in the middle of interrogating a stripper when Nick suddenly ran up to him, pointing towards the exit desperately.

Ichigo's temple throbbed. "Oh, NOW you show up? I had to pay her fifty bucks!" he exclaimed, pointing at the stripper, who sweatdropped. "Well, that's a first; someone acting surprised to pay me," she muttered before walking off, hips swaying.

Nick rolled his eyes at him, dragging him by the arm for the exit. "Hey, let go!" Ichigo shouted, flailing around spastically.

He was about to kick Nick's ass (for multiple reasons) when three guys suddenly ran into his view. "THERE HE GOES!" they shouted, pointing at Nick and Ichigo. Nick gulped, and Ichigo gulped as well after seeing the almost superhuman-looking man towering over the other two as he ran after them. "...Run. Got it."

* * *

They bolted out of the club, and Nick dove for the back seat through the sun roof (landing much more gracefully than Mike Ness had) as Ichigo nearly tore the driver's side door off its hinges in the process of opening it.

He revved the engine before pulling out in reverse and flooring the gas, right as the men busted down the club's doors.

Ichigo looked out the rearview mirror, watching as they cussed up a storm (_Wow, that's got Peyton Phrase written all over it_) before running to hop into their car – a white van. "Is there a better car in this world to be the mascot for Rapists United?" Ichigo wondered miserably, making Nick sweatdrop as he read his lips.

"No, that doesn't really exist," he added before Nick could even bother to write down the question written all over his face.

Ichigo couldn't help but groan inwardly once Peyton started waking up. Once she realized what was going on, all hell would break loose.

Sure enough, she blinked lazily while stretching, looking around. "Whass going on?" she asked with a yawn.

"_Please_ tell me you're still drunk."

"Feels that way," she agreed with a nod before hiccuping again.

He sighed with relief. "Good. I don't think you're an angry drunk, so this could be good." Nick sighed with relief as well on that one, and she eyed them suspiciously. "...Why would I be an angry drunk? ICHIGO KUROSAKI, what are you about to do to or tell me that could potentially make me an angry drunk?" she demanded to know.

Ichigo paused as Nick scribbled something down, handing it to Peyton. Ichigo tried to look at it while watching where he was going, causing a very wide right turn that made him and Peyton scream.

Once they were out of immediate danger – well, besides the pissed guys following them in a Rapist Van – Peyton tried again to read the note, squinting and tilting it every which way. "Awww, thanks! Nick says I'm very atshiculate for a drunk!" she said happily, stars in her eyes and everything.

Ichigo sweatdropped. "...You mean 'articulate'?"

_**DOINK!**_

"Shut up!" she shouted, throwing a plastic cup at him. He sweatdropped even more. "Was that supposed to hurt or something?"

Her right eye started to twitch, but then they heard what sounded suspiciously like a gunshot. Peyton let out a high-pitched squeak, tugging on Ichigo's arm and pointing spastically at her car door's mirror. "ICHIGO! THEY TOOK OUT THE MIRROR! THEY MUST BE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR! ...Wait..."

She narrowed her eyes suspiciously, making both boys gulp. "..._Why_ is there a Rapist Van chasing us?"

Nick sweatdropped at the fact that she used the same term as Ichigo, while the latter pointed accusingly at Nick. "Ask HIM."

"Well?" Peyton snapped, whirling around to give Nick what was probably supposed to be a threatening look. Of course, her being drunk, it just looked like she had something in her eye and was trying to blink and widen her eye to get it out.

He started scribbling, and after a minute or so, handed it to Peyton. She read it carefully, turning it every which way again, and Ichigo sighed exasperatedly before taking it out of her hands. "Here, take the wheel for a second."

Nick's eyes threatened to bulge out of their sockets at Ichigo's poor sense of judgment, and Peyton laughed gleefully as she steered haphazardly.

Ichigo read as quickly as possible:

"**They think Im the drug dealer who was grwing mari in the backyard at that party! THEY HAVE GUNS, MAN, FUCKING GUNS. THEY MEAN BIZZNESS.**"

"They have guns? Really, Nick? No SHIT!" Ichigo shouted as he attempted to get the steering wheel back from Peyton.

"But I'm doing so well!" she whined, almost causing them to veer off the road for the thirtieth time. "GIMME THE GODDAMN FUCKING STEERING WHEEL!" Ichigo shouted, making her narrow her eyes at him. "...Fine."

And with that, she shoved his face against the steering wheel, continuing to steer and giggling like crazy as every car within a three-mile radius honked at her. "I feel sooooo haaaappppy...and breeezzyyy...and MAGNIFICENT!" she declared, screaming at the top of her lungs.

"Give. Me. The. WHEEL." Ichigo demanded, his voice muffled by the steering wheel. Peyton hummed cheerfully instead, and Nick fastened his seat-belt with a gulp. This wasn't going to end well, he could tell.

"Ichigo, silly, you already HAVE the wheel!"

"Peyton, goddammit –"

"Stop shouting at me! You're making me feel like a kid!"

"YOU'RE ACTING LIKE ONE!"

"You can't tell me what to _do_!" she exclaimed, sticking her tongue out at him as she continued to stretch across his back. He started wriggling out from under her, causing them to swerve into the wrong lane.

Even Nick managed to scream as headlights nearly blinded them. Ichigo and Peyton both grabbed the steering wheel, turning it as far to the right as possible. They let out sighs of relief as the truck driver laid down on his horn and continued on his way in the opposite direction. "Thank God. Peyton, next time you touch the wheel when you're drunk?"

"Yeah?" she asked cheerfully.

"...If you survive, I'm kicking your ass, and I don't care if people call me abusive from that point on," Ichigo declared, making her temple throb.

"Why you...!" And then, without further warning, she burst into tears. Ichigo and Nick both looked at each other, not knowing what to do.

"...Oh, c'mon Peyton, don't cry –"

"How can I not cry? YOU JUST SAID YOU'D BEAT ME UP! My dad said you'd do that one day, waaay back when we started dating! SO DID SETH, BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS JOKING! YOU REALLY _ARE_ ABUSIVE! AND YOU HAD THE GUTS TO ASK ME TO _MARRY YOU_? And on _top_ of that...those guys in the rape van shot a hole through my Taco Bell cup," she added with a sniffle, concluding her wailing rant as tears continued to stream down her face.

Nick's eyes widened a little, pointing to Ichigo questioningly when she mentioned marriage. "...Shut up," Ichigo told him simply. Peyton smacked him upside the head hard, making his temple throb. "Nick can't even talk, stupid-head! STOP BEING SO MEEEEAAANN!" she wailed, crying loudly all over again.

"Why's she cryin'?" Mike wondered groggily, sitting up slowly. Nick explained the whole thing through scribbles and pantomimes, Peyton continued to bawl, and Ichigo briefly wondered if he should just jump off the bridge they were going over.

It was then he realized the Rapist Van wasn't behind them anymore. "...Huh?" he wondered, slamming on the brakes. Mike flew out of his seat, his face smacking against the dashboard with his legs poking out of the sun roof.

Peyton shut up immediately, blinking in surprise. "...Oh my God...ICHIGO, YOU KILLED MIKE NESS! YOU ABUSIVE BASTARD! THAT'S IT! WE'RE OVER! WE –"

"Unfortunately...I'm still alive," Mike groaned, his face still against the dashboard as he slowly slid his legs back inside the car. Ichigo and Nick were sweatdropping heavily, and Peyton was suddenly very happy and content, making fish faces at herself through the rear-view mirror.

"Why the hell did you stop the car?" Mike asked with a groan, sounding like he was starting to sober up very slowly. Ichigo looked around. "Oh yeah, that's right. Guys, the Rapist Van isn't following us anymore."

Mike let out a whistle. "That can't be good."

"Why not?"

"Drug thugs don't leave just like that. They, uh...They must be going for the kill," he said groggily. He then started laughing, flopping down on the backseat. "You're as good as fucked, my friend. Royally."

Peyton paused her fish-face-making to glare at him. "So are _you_. You're in the car with us." And on that note, she turned to Ichigo and made a fish face. "Ichigo!"

His temple throbbed. "...What?"

"Do you like my fish face?" she asked, and it came out weird due to aforementioned face. He was doing his best not to either poke her puffed cheeks, strangle her, laugh uncontrollably from all the stress, or a combination of it all.

"...Yes, Peyton. I love it. It's fantastic."

"Maybe I should make this face during sex!"

"NO."

"Awww."

Nick shook his head slowly, and Mike started laughing hysterically. It was around that time that Ichigo looked ahead and saw the Rapist Van parked right in front of them. The headlights were off, but he could make out the shapes of two gangly men with guns, and the burly guy sitting in the back seat, leaning forward. A hand was laying out the window, too.

He gulped. "Peyton?"

"Yeah?" she asked, tilting her head to look at him upside-down.

"I need you to do something for me."

"Sure, anything!"

"Take the wheel," he said slowly, "but don't make any...sudden...movements. Until I say go, that is. Okay?"

"SURE!" she said happily, clapping her hands gleefully.

Nick and Mike exchanged a look, and Mike sighed heavily, putting on his seat-belt. "...We're fucked."


	11. Stashes, Wads of Hundred Bills, & Teeth!

**Me: Weeeee're baa-ack!**

**Ichigo and Rukia: (Sitting on random bleachers with their pennants) Yaaaaay.**

**Me: Aww, be excited. There's sexiness in this chapp.**

**Ichigo: (Immediately perks up and looks around suspiciously) Surely you're lying.**

**Me: Nope.**

**Ichigo: YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES! (Starts jumping for joy)**

**Rukia: (sweatdrop) Is it interrupted this time?**

**Me: We'll see. (Beams innocently) Anyway. How is everyone? How's the weather? Are you thirsty? Because I am. Also, I think this fever is making me delirious, so if this author's note sounds weird compared to the other ones, that's why. Also, the end of the chapp I blame on my fever. SOTHERE.**

**Ichigo: Chill out, what's your temperature anyways?**

**Me: 105, dumbass!**

**Ichigo: ...Oh. You should probably lay down then.**

**Rukia: Ya THINK?**

**Me: (Starts whining) B-B-B-Buuuut that's all I've done for the past couple days! I don't wanna! SO ON WITH THE CAKES ALREADY! **

**Kon: (Runs in) RIGHT! ON IT, MISTRESS MANDY!**

**Ichigo: (Sweatdrops) He really likes that nickname...**

**Kon: (Wheels in a Cake Number 1. It's from Syco's Path, and boy does it take me back. I had to look up the description again, which got me reading all the reviews and made me laugh my ass off. BUT ANYWAY. It's...the one...the only...Ring of Fire cake! Ice cream cakes surrounded by deepfried twinkies and covered in hot caramel sauce!)**

**Everyone: (Drools)**

**Ichigo: That was one of my favorite cakes...**

**Rukia: (Nods like crazy) Besides the Chappy ones...**

**Me: Hahaha that one with Chappy in 3 different Ziploc bags after the Sex Ed chapp was funny as hell! Hahahaha**

**Rukia: (Major temple throb) NOT THAT ONE.**

**Me: Hahahahaaaaaaa...anyway...NEXT CAKE, KON!**

**Kon: RIGHT! (Wheels in -**

**Me: WAIT. Before we continue, I would just like to say that I hope someone doused some water on The Layman and he's not unconscious anymore. ALSO, I'm looking forward to the white van to deliver the cake ...Never thought I'd look forward to white vans... (shudders) OKAY, CARRY ON!**

**Kon: Thaaank YOU. (Wheels in gifts and a cake from Morce: a Reckless Driver Award for Peyton, a Drunk Award for Mike, and a HUGE cake made of chocolate strawberry cake, double-fudge icing, and a future fan-made scene of Ichigo and Peyton's wedding. For Ichigo, more training.)**

**Ichigo: (Groans) MORE training? Buuuut...!**

**Me: Get over it, you pansy. NOW. There's no more cakes, and stupid Fan Fiction editing shtuff keeps CUTTING MY AUTHOR NOTES SHORT ON LIKE EVERYTHING! So i'mma try and get this out fast. **

**IF YOU SKIP THE WHOLE AUTHOR'S NOTE, PLEASE AT LEAST READ THIS. This fic is coming near it's end, and I'm thinking I'll only have 100 chapps on Dude. BUT...a sequel or second installment, WHATEVER, is most deff under way. BUT. I wanna know what you loyal loving and hilarious readers wanna read about. I already have an idea or two of what the second one's gonna focus on, but i wanna know what ya'll want! So please, please, PLEASE, let me know! I love hearing what you guys think or want! Also. AliceAlthea. I TOTALLY AGREE. THAT WOULD MAKE MY LIFE IF MIKE NESS FOR SOME REASON STUMBLED ACROSS THIS AND LAUGHED HIS ASS OFF. SO MIKE, IF YOU'RE SOMEHOW READING THIS, KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU AND AM SORRY FOR THE PROBABLY OOCNESS I'VE GIVEN YOU! Alright, now, read, review, and**

**Rukia: (Jolts awake after falling asleep due to my rambling) ENJOOOOOY!**

**Ichigo: (Falls off bleachers) DAMMIT, RUKIA! **

* * *

Ichigo watched the Rapist Van carefully, waiting for them to make any sudden movements. Peyton was practically bouncing in her seat. "Can I drive now?"

"Hold on."

"Aww."

The Rapist Van flashed its headlights twice, making Mike laugh. "Ha! We might live! They wanna make an exchange."

"...How do you know all this?" Peyton wondered, turning to look at him.

"Do you _really_ want me to answer that?" he asked back mysteriously. She shook her head quickly before resuming her fish-face-making.

"Exchange? Of what?" Ichigo wondered.

Peyton looked at him funny. "What does it matter? Go all Soul Reaper on 'em and kick some ass!"

"I can't do that, and you know it! There're too many witnesses around!"

Peyton giggled. "But we're all _wasted_! And who's gonna believe people who drive in a _Rapist Van_?"

Ichigo frowned. "...True. But still. Someone ELSE might see, and then what?"

She giggled again. "C'moooon, Ichigo, don't be such a wet blanket!"

"Yeah, Ichigo! Go kick some ass!" Mike urged while Ichigo tried spastically to dodge the path of his breath, which reeked of that Everclear stuff. Peyton batted her eyelashes at him. "Pleeeease?"

He sweatdropped. "...Really, Peyton. What next, the Cullen Woman Eye – oh God, please don't," he whined as she promptly started pulling THAT card on him. How she could still pull it off while drunk was beyond him, but he eventually sighed heavily. "...We'll see how things go."

"YES! ...I'm coming with you," she declared, flinging open her car door.

"Peyton, no!"

"YES."

"Goddammit," he muttered, knowing it was useless. It was hard enough getting things through that thick skull of hers when she was sober, so when she was drunk, he supposed he might as well just forget about it. Nick and Mike both watched from the safety of the car, shaking their heads slowly before spastically clambering to the front, ready to get the hell out of there if necessary.

All three guys got out and walked towards them, each movement slow and deliberate. Ichigo gulped before moving to catch up with Peyton. Which, considering their differences in height and leg length, didn't take too much effort.

All five of them slowed to a stop in the middle of the bridge, Ichigo with a death grip on Peyton. Partly because she was drunk and couldn't walk right for the life of her, and partly because...well, wasn't it obvious?

They had _guns_, man.

The one in the middle, the shortest of the three, cleared his throat. "We would like to make..._an exchange_," he declared ominously, the biggest one popping his knuckles and neck as he continued to tower over everyone (even Ichigo).

"What kind of exchange?" Ichigo asked, trying to keep Peyton from swaying as she tried to hide her giggling through coughs.

"We want your stash. _All_ of it."

"Stash?"

"Yeah, asshole, the _stash_! The one you promised us! Five kilos of dope, man! We been waiting for that shit for –"

"Look, you've got us confused for someone else –"

Big guy growled ominously, reaching for Ichigo's throat. Ichigo and Peyton jumped back, and she suddenly appeared very sober. Guess that was the wake-up call she needed.

"Don't interrupt the boss when he's talkin'," the big guy said simply. Middle guy chuckled.

"You'll have to excuse him. He's pretty protective. As you can see, my bad side ain't a good one. Don't matter where you go, I'll come after ya. I want my stash, man. And in exchange, I'll give you forty grand. Got it?"

Ichigo sighed heavily, and Peyton started looking around for inspiration as to what to do next.

"Look, I'm sorry, but we don't HAVE any of your dope. We went to a party in that house last night, but we have _nothing_ to do with their business. Alright? If you leave now, I won't call the cops OR kick your ass."

"Big talk for someone with no gun."

"I don't need a gun."

"Yeah, but your buddies might."

"..."

"...Tell ya what. For you, I'll make a special exception. Mainly because you ain't the only dealer I got, and I can do a lot more damage later. So I'll extend the deadline for four days. Until then, I want a little somethin' in return."

"What'll THAT be?" Ichigo asked exasperatedly.

"I want your whore."

"My what?"

"Your whore. Your bitch. You're her pimp, right?" he asked. Peyton froze, temple throbbing. _Did he really just...?_

"I...am NOT his bitch, OR his whore, dumbass!" she shouted, giving the three a deadly glare. The big guy and the guy that'd been quiet this whole time started laughing nervously, but the one in the middle just scowled.

"She's got a mouth on her, don't she?"

"Why yes, yes I do. And I'm standing right here, asshole."

Ichigo looked torn between being pissed at what the hitman had demanded and laughing at her reaction. "Look, whatever she is, she's not for 'sale', alright?"

"Well, either _I_ get the whore and extend the deadline or _you_ get your head blown off and I take the stash MYSELF!" the man shouted. "It's either in your car or at your crib, and I'll just tear the whole place up tryin' ta find it!"

Peyton looked at Ichigo, smirking, trying to communicate "Moron, I know what I'm doing, just play along" before putting her hands on her hips and glaring at him. "Well? _Pimp_? It's me or the goddamn drugs. Take your pick."

She hoped it was obvious which one she wanted him to pick, and it appeared it was. Ichigo scowled, waving her off. "Fine. _Take_ the bitch. There's a million sluts like her."

"_What_?" she exclaimed in disbelief, and the middle guy chuckled, prompting the other two to laugh their asses off as if it were hilarious. "Get her in the van."

"I can WALK," she muttered, but the big guy picked her up anyway. Using only one hand, no less. "HEY! LET GO, YOU FUCKER!" she screeched, trying to pull off her trashiest Southern accent while putting up a "fight".

_Ohhh, just wait 'till you try and put me in the van,_ she thought evilly as the other goon grabbed her by the ankles. "Stop yer squirmin'," he snapped, and she huffed before doing so.

"Now THAT'S the way a bitch should be treated," the boss guy said somewhat admiringly. "I like the scowl you put in there, that your trademark or somethin'?"

"According to most people. I've had plenty of time to master it," Ichigo replied casually, just waiting for hell to break loose.

"Y'know, if you weren't such a lousy shit when it came to deliveries, I could grow used to a guy like you. Total asshole like me," he commented with a chuckle.

Ichigo chuckled a little, but it turned into flat-out laughter when they suddenly saw purple sparks shoot out from behind the van. It was soon followed by yelps of pain and Peyton's slighly-maniacal-sort-of-drunken laughter.

"What the HELL'S going on back there?" the boss bellowed.

"GO AHEAD, ICHIGO!" she shouted, more sparks flying as he heard the grown men start sobbing and blubbering like little girls. ...Or his dad, either one. The boss whirled back around to look at Ichigo just in time to see his body drop to the ground.

Peyton gave the big one another extra-big shock, grinning. "THAT'S for squeezing my ass when you picked me up." With that, she ran – making her stumble and fall on her ass, as she was still pretty damn wasted – to see how Ichigo was doing. He was currently in Soul Reaper form, and to her disappointment, all he did was hit the man on the top of his head with the hilt of Zangetsu.

"Do you have any idea how funny it is to see you with your bigass sword just barely hitting that guy with the hilt of it?" she asked between giggles as she staggered to her feet and he returned to his body.

Mike and Nick were currently screaming, and Mike's were accompanied by a stream of "OH SHIT OH SHIT OH _SHIT_!"s. Ichigo popped back into his body, jumping up and grabbing Peyton by the arm. "C'mon, let's get outta here!"

"Right!"

Mike and Nick scrambled to the back, and Ichigo let Peyton run to the driver's seat. Seeing her do this, Mike and Nick fastened their seatbelts as quickly as possible, and Ichigo did the same as soon as he was in the car.

He hadn't even shut his door before Peyton was flooring the gas – no, literally, the pedal was touching the floor – and he groaned. "Peyton, don't _kill_ us!"

"You want a speedy getaway or not?" she shouted, swerving around the goons and their Rapist Van. As they passed, Ichigo saw that the big guy was already up, talking on his cell phone.

"THIS AIN'T THE END, FUCKERS!" he shouted after them, making them all gulp. Well, except for Peyton. She was busy making fish faces and laughing.

"PEYTON, ENOUGH WITH THE FISH FACES! JUST DRIVE!"

"SORRY!"

* * *

Once they had been driving for about five minutes, Peyton finally slowed down to the speed limit, which was a miracle in itself. "So...Where to, Ichigo?"

He finally released his death grip on the edge of his seat to fumble for the map. Nick was watching them with wide eyes, too scared to blink, and Mike was passed out again.

"Uh...Take that right up there, onto the highway."

"Got it!" she chirped happily, making fish faces as they reached a red light.

Ichigo sweatdropped. "...What's with this sudden craze over fish faces?"

"They're _sexy_!"

"Peyton, you're drunk as hell."

"You're _sexy_ as hell!"

"Be that as it may, you're still drunk as hell."

She pouted at him before looking back at the road as the light turned green. Nick handed Ichigo his memo pad:

**You DO realize if the cops pull us ovr + see she's drunk tht we're all goin 2 jail, right?**

Ichigo gulped as Peyton started giggling once they got on the nearly-completely-abandoned highway. "I think we took the old one, there was a busier-looking highway over there. BUT HERE I CAN SWERVE ALL I WANT!" she exclaimed gleefully.

"...Honestly, I'd feel safer in jail. Prying her away from the steering wheel at this point would lead to certain death," he replied woefully.

**...Way 2 go, dumbass. Ur gonna kill us all.**

"No, Peyton is."

Nick rolled his eyes and shook his head, flopping back into his seat and crossing his arms. Ichigo snickered. "Oh, look, he's throwing a temper tantrum. Or, wait...maybe you're just giving me...THE SILENT TREATMENT! Hahahahaha!"

_**BAM!**_

"Stop picking on him!" Peyton demanded, having smacked him upside the head. Ichigo rubbed his head grudgingly, huffing.

"Sure, take the deaf mute's side."

"I will. I bet _he_ likes my fish faces."

Ichigo was about to shoot something back when a car swerved into their lane out of nowhere, ramming into them.

"Holy crap!" Peyton shouted, keeping a death grip on the wheel and, to her credit, at least keeping them on the road. She floored the gas yet again, trying to swerve out of their way. "Who the hell are _they_?" she demanded to know as if the other two had an explanation for her.

Ichigo shook his head, wondering if the big guy had been right when he said it wasn't over. Sure enough, they heard gun shots, and Peyton let out a shout despite herself. "Goddammit!" she muttered as the van sped up, swiftly approaching the left side of the car.

A man and woman were hanging out the windows, shooting at the side of the car. The three of them winced with each heavy **_THUNK_** of the bullets imbedding themselves in the car's side, and finally, Ichigo growled to himself.

"That's it! ...Peyton, pull over."

"WHAT? Are you CRAZY?" she screeched, swerving slightly as she dodged more bullets.

"C'mon, pull over and duck. I'm goin' Soul Reaper again."

"B-But they've got guns! Do you SEE them shooting blindly? They'll hit you!"

"Weren't you the one trying to get me to go Soul Reaper earlier?"

"Yeah, but that was EARLIER!" she protested.

"Peyton. Stop the car."

"..."

"..."

"...FINE," she finally said in defeat, swerving and coming to a sudden stop. Luckily, Mike had his seatbelt on this time and didn't fly out of the seat.

In fact, all he did was snore extra loud. "Duck!" Ichigo instructed again, and she did so.

"Alright, alright! ...Jeez."

She also made his body slump over once he popped out of it, and Nick's eyes widened. Peyton glared at him, bent over in the seat. "Stop gawking and _duck_, idiot!"

He nodded quickly and did so, shaking his head as if he couldn't believe what was happening. Strangely, Peyton wasn't all that shocked. Not that she saw it coming or anything, but somehow it just didn't surprise her.

She really wished Ichigo would stop slamming people against the trunk, that's for sure. It was making her jump every time.

After a couple screams and the screech of tires, Ichigo clambered back through his window and into his body. "Okay...Okay, they're gone," he got out between pants, wiping some blood off his forehead.

"Oh my God, did they _shoot you_?" Peyton asked with a hint of hysteria in her voice.

Ichigo shook his head. "No. But some chick in the car tried to shank the air and got me."

"Was slamming them against the trunk necessary?" she asked exasperatedly as they drove on.

Ichigo sweatdropped. "...Um...What? I didn't slam _anyone_ against the trunk. I just scared 'em a little so they'd drive off. ...Why, did you hear something?"

"...Nooo."

He sweatdropped again, shaking his head. "Whatever. C'mon, lemme take the wheel." For once, she complied, which seemed to surprise him.

"...I'm gonna try to sleep off what's left of this stupid Everclear crap...I'm startin' to feel pretty sober, just...tired," she mumbled, already leaning against the now rolled-up window of the passenger's seat with her eyes closed.

Nick sighed heavily with relief, leaning back in his seat with his eyes closed as well. Mike suddenly jolted awake, looking around groggily. "Huh? What? Did someone mention shanking?"

Everyone sighed and facepalmed at that one.

"ICHIGO, BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL!"

"You're giving ME advice on how to drive? REALLY, PEYTON?"

* * *

_**HOURS ****LATER...**_

"Peyton. Hey. Wake up," Ichigo muttered in her ear. She jolted awake, looking around quickly much like Mike had before she fell asleep. "Huh?"

"We're stopping for the night."

"Where are we?" she wondered groggily, jumping when someone shut a car door. Since Nick was currently standing in front of her door, she assumed it had been Mike.

"San Diego," he declared with a grin. She brightened at that, suddenly wide awake.

"Really?"

"No, I'm lying, Peyton."

"WHAT?"

"YES, we're in San Diego! ...You sound awfully sober."

"That's 'cause I am. I can tell because I have a _killer_ headache," she grumbled as Nick finally moved away from her door and she swung it open.

"Get used to it, kid," Mike commented as he walked to stand next to Ichigo, "it'll hurt like a bitch in the morning. Good thing the concert's not 'till the fifteenth, that gives me three days to get rid of the hangover," he said somewhat cheerfully.

That's when Peyton noticed the hotel, and her jaw dropped. It was situated on the corner of some street Peyton couldn't care less about with columns and arches towering above their heads. The part they were in front of was made of some kind of brick, while the part of the hotel with the rooms in it towered even _further_ above their heads. It looked like some huge geometric puzzle, really, and she could see bright neon-y lights from the roof of the brick part. Judging from the noises coming from up there, there was a pool or something on the roof.

**(A/N: Seriously, look up "Solamar Hotel in San Diego". Look at some pictures, it's rooms and terrace are pretty epic)**

"Um...We're staying _here_?" she asked dubiously.

They all nodded, Ichigo and Nick's mouths agape in awe. Mike chuckled. "Least I can do for you two dragging my drunk ass around, right?"

She and Ichigo nodded quickly before shaking their head. "Yeah! U-Uhh, I mean –"

"You didn't have to do this!"

"Yeah, I only did it because Peyton told me to!"

"Ichigo!"

"What?"

"It's _Mike Ness_, you woulda done it anyway!"

"No, I _really_ wouldn't have. I would've dropped him off at the police station or something for one of the band mates to pick up."

"WHAT? Ichigo!"

"What, it's true! I'm sorry I like having sex with you, jeez, what's a guy gonna do?"

Everyone sweatdropped at that, and Mike just laughed. "I like you, kid." That made Ichigo grin to himself, and Peyton shook her head slowly in disbelief as they headed for the entrance.

* * *

"This one's one of my favorites to stay at around here. ...Mainly for the big beds, discreet staff, and loose rich women," Mike commented thoughtfully after a few moments, making Peyton sweatdrop as Nick and Ichigo nodded their approval.

"Good reason."

"Yeah, the US Grant's another good one. Although they don't have a pool."

"This one has a pool?"

"Yeah. That's pretty much what I just implied there, keep up man," he said with a chuckle as he opened the door.

"Why thank you!" Peyton said cheerfully as he held it open for her, but soon her jaw was dropping again like the other two.

Mike laughed and left them to take in the lobby as he got them some rooms. The ceiling was arched, and the whole lobby was brown and some kind of yellow that probably had a really fancy name.

The lobby was still busy, which was a first since they'd started this trip straight from hell. The lobby had some sort of modern feel to it, and kind of reminded her of the ocean in a weird way. Maybe it was that skinny-tiger-stripes pattern on the wall that kept moving like an ocean's waves...?

Or maybe she was just tired and hyper.

"What hotel _is_ this, anyway?" Peyton asked, looking around for some kind of clue.

"Solamar Hotel, I think. I was too busy wondering how the hell he expected me to pay for it to look," Ichigo replied, looking around as well.

"I don't think you understand who I am, Miss. I'm Mike Ness. Social Distortion. I helped pave the road for alternative and rock music of your generation. I think you can most definitely hook my friends and I up with separate rooms. See that couple over there? See that guy over there? And do you see me? Do you really think we wanna be stuck in a room together when I'm hungover, he's deaf and mute, and those two are gonna undoubtedly be making hot lovin'?" Mike ranted, talking to the young brunette behind the desk as if it explaining the most simple math equation in the world.

She looked at the other three, who tried to look as unbearably annoying as possible, before Mike got out his wad – and we mean WAD – of hundred dollar bills. "I'm sure we can work something out."

The brunette nodded quickly. "Mr. Ness, you'd be _amazed_ at how quickly available rooms pop up at the Solamar," she said simply, stuffing a couple hundreds in her blouse pocket before typing away on the computer.

Ichigo laughed and shook his head, and Peyton sighed. "Wish _I_ could do that."

"You totally could. You'd just have to be all bitchy on them, but you could do it. I have no doubt in my mind."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you'd scare 'em so bad they'd give you anything you wanted."

"Aww, that's so sweet of you to say!"

"I have my moments."

Nick rolled his eyes and made a gagging gesture as Mike strolled over casually, holding up four key cards. "Here ya go. Two deluxe guest suites for you guys, and one virtuoso suite for me. ...Just because I can."

And with that, they all headed for the elevator. Peyton and Ichigo's shared room was on the eleventh floor, same as Nick's. Mike's was on the thirteenth. Of course, all Peyton could think about was what she'd be doing once she got to the hotel room.

Which would be getting laid.

She calmly followed Ichigo and Nick out of the elevator, turning to look at Mike. "Thanks for the rooms, goodnight!"

He gave her a half-wave in reply, which was his cool way of saying "any time". Nick sweatdropped as he watched Ichigo struggle with the card that unlocked the room, only to be yanked into the room by Peyton as soon as it was open.

He sighed heavily as the door was slammed shut in his face, hearing giggling on the other side. He wrote a memo to himself:

**...Damn, I need a girlfriend again.**

And with that, he walked down the hall to his room.

* * *

**(Yet another A/N: For those who get light-headed from blood loss, be warned. Here there be some sexiness. :3)**

Ichigo started laughing as she pinned him against the wall and started kissing him. "...Not that I'm complaining, but what brought all this on?" he asked.

"What can I say? Dangerous and potentially near-death situations turn me on a bit," she murmured, her kisses trailing down his neck.

"...I can live with that."

"Mm, I thought you might say that."

He tried to gain the upper hand, as per usual, but this time she didn't let him. She was the one directing _him_ this time, kicking off her shoes and pulling him towards the bed. This made him laugh even more, which felt weird against her mouth and made her laugh too.

Unfortunately, he WAS still stronger than her, so him ending up on top of her was pretty inevitable. She let him for now, mainly so she could peel off his shirt. She loved running her hands along his battle scars.

She let out a sigh as he kissed her neck, his hands sliding under her shirt to caress her sides, his thumbs kneading the skin on the edges of her stomach.

"Okay, I'll admit it, I missed this," she commented somewhat-dazedly, making Ichigo laugh.

"See? And you call _me_ the pervert," he muttered in reply, his voice vibrating against her collarbone.

She took that opportunity to slide out from underneath him, making it so that she was on top of _him_. "...I _told you _I'd eventually win the argument about being on top," she commented smugly.

Ichigo was glaring at her despite his manly needs, but that glare immediately turned into a goofy grin as she slid her shirt up and over her head, shaking her hair out a little. "...Okay, I guess I could live with this too."

"Yeah, figured as much," she replied in an even more smug tone, kissing him again. His hand ran through her hair as her kisses went down his neck and eventually the rest of his upper half, and the other hand trailed along her spine.

That other hand of his started tracing light circles on her back before slipping into the back of her capris and cupping her butt, making her gasp a little.

Once again, this made him laugh, but soon she was the one laughing after nibbling the skin right underneath the hem of his jeans, getting an involuntary moan out of him.

"...That was just plain evil," he muttered, playing with the hem of her underwear while moving his other hand to attempt to unbutton her pants.

"And your trick wasn't?" she asked doubtfully, sitting up just to make him frustrated. He rolled his eyes, sliding her pants down to her her mid-upper thighs. "Minor details."

Peyton noticed a remote control sitting on the bed, and reached for it as Ichigo attempted to unclasp her bra. The way he was fumbling with it, you'd think it was their first time all over again. _After all the practice he's had... _

"Push, THEN pull," she instructed.

"Ohhh, right!"

Almost immediately, two of the three popped open. She rolled her eyes and shook her head, turning on the television behind her as he popped the last one.

"...Why's the tv on?" he wondered slowly.

She shrugged. "I don't wanna wake people up, I've heard that we're REALLY loud. So let 'em just think it was the tv show!" she said cheerfully. It sounded like a horror movie was on, and normally she'd be interested to see what it was, but obviously she was otherwise occupied.

Ichigo shook his head as he threw her bra to his right. "...Whatever makes ya feel better, Peyton."

"Good answer. Way to play it safe there, Ichigo-_oooohh_," she exclaimed, the last part coming out as a drawn-out moan as his fingertips traced a light diagonal path down the front of her, her chest immediately reacting.

"Oh God...now _that_ was evil," she informed him, the moan still lacing her voice. He was just giving her the ultimate smirk as his fingers continued down, past her goosebump-covered stomach, all the way to her ninja star-covered panties.

She leaned forward a little, her hands tightening on his shoulders as his hand slid underneath the fabric. "Mmnh...!"

It didn't take long for him to relocate her "special spot", and he was just about to successfully drive her insane and make her soaking wet when he did something incredibly stupid; he looked at the tv after hearing a scream, and saw the most horrifying thing he could possibly imagine:

...A vagina with teeth.

_Oh...Oh my God...No, I can't do this, I can't do this! _He thought miserably as he witnessed a guy getting his "little friend" ripped to shreds.

Peyton knew something was wrong - even though she was feeling so many waves of pleasure at the moment that she could barely think straight - before she even opened her eyes thanks to something she had been _seriously_ looking forward to not poking her thigh anymore. _He went soft...? How is that even __**possible**__? _

She opened her eyes to see a horrified expression on Ichigo's face, and suddenly his hand shot out from her underwear as he squeezed his legs together, successfully making Peyton fall off the bed being the clutz she was.

"Goddammit, Ichigo, the hell's going on?" she demanded to know, slipping on her shirt. Ichigo slipped his on as well before kicking off his shoes, sliding his jeans off, and slipping under the covers, drawing them tight and wrapping himself in them as if trying to...protect himself.

"...I can't. I've just lost all desire to do anything sex-related."

"WHAT?"

"That guy just got his penis ripped to shreds by a toothy vagina!" he wailed, pointing fearfully at the tv.

Peyton sighed. "...Ichigo, it's _just_ a movie. And I think it's pretty obvious my vagina doesn't eat YOURS."

"Yeah, but...Peyton, you just don't understand. Us guys _feel_ fellow guys' pain like that! ...I can't. No way. ...No. Just no. NO. Oh my God, it was so awful..."

Peyton stared at him in disbelief for a good minute and a half before sighing heavily and stomping off to the bathroom. Great. This time _she'd_ have to take a cold shower.

"Why, God? _Why_ must you do this to me?" she wailed, slamming the bathroom door.


	12. Manliness And Hangovers

**Me: Aaaaand we're back! Sorry about the wait, I had this done since like last Friday, but I've got food poisoning, so I was slacking. Again.**

**Ichigo: Suuure, blame the illness.**

**Me: HEY! At least I didn't practically throw my girlfriend across the room because of a horror movie!**

**Ichigo: (narrows eyes) ...A, she FELL off. B, that movie was horrible!**

**Rukia: I fail to see how a toothy vagina scared you so badly. Peyton put it nicely, she mentioned that hers doesn't HAVE teeth, therefore there was nothing for you to worry about!**

**Ichigo: It was the THOUGHT...(shudders)**

**Me and Rukia: (Mega sweatdrops) ...Whatever, Ichigo. **

**Me: ANYWAY, you have another gift from Hollownature! **

**Ichigo: Really? I thought no one would give me stuff after THAT...**

**Me: (plants Dunce Cap Of Shaaaaame: Number Two on his head) Ta-daaaa!**

**Ichigo: (huffs and crosses arms, temple throbbing) I shoulda known...**

**Me: Yep! Moving on! Morce got presents as well. KOOON!**

**Kon: RIGHT! (Wheels in cart of gifts. For me, a jumbo ice pack, for Ichigo, a "special device to help him get over the horror movie", and for Peyton, a secret cake.**

**Ichigo: (fiddles with device) Hmm...should I use this, or milk this one event where I control when Peyton has sex with me...?**

**Kon: Ichigo, you IDIOT! If I had Peyton, I would - **

**Everyone: (Clap hands over ears) WE DON'T WANNA KNOW!**

**Me: Erm, well, anyway. NEXT CART, KON!**

**Kon: Riiight...(stomps off before coming back with another cart. It's from Mangamagic, but was wheeled in during the review by Isshin XD. It's a giant purple cake with Peyton standing on top, her arms spread with purple streaks flying out from her hands, laughing maniacally. The side of the cake looks like it has teeth around the edges and inside is written BEWARE THE PURPLE KILLER LIGHTNING! Sitting beside Peyton on the cake is Ichigo in a fetal position as he stares horrified at a small tv in front of him.)**

**Ichigo: (Temple throb) I'm glad everyone's enjoying one of the darkest moments of my life so far.**

**Me: (sweatdrops) THIS is the darkest moment of your life? REALLY?**

**Ichigo: Nooo, ONE of the darkest moments of my life.**

**Me: (facepalm) I...Nevermind. Next!**

**Kon: Ta-daaa! I got this one from a VAN of cake! (From The Layman. It's an 11"x16" marble cake with vanilla icing and a picture scanned on it of Peyton standing over a heap of scketchy-looking unconscious dudes with her purple lightning crackling around and a caption that says "_Now_ who's the bitch, huh?". And you can kind of see Ichigo's hair off in the corner...)**

**Ichigo: Hahaha...that part was funny.**

**Me: Yeah, this story tends to get funny quite a bit, apparently. Neeext! **

**Kon: Here ya go! (It's from Syco. Six of those Domino's Chocolate fudge cake things with about six pounds of whipped cream, sprinkles, and cherries... and caramel, chocolate, strawberry, and any other flavored syrup to the mix. But wait, there's more: Ichigo suspended above what looks like the monster from the movie. Peyton operates a crane that slowly lowers him into it.)**

**Me: Now THAT is funny...**

**Ichigo: You only say that because it involves physical harm towards me**

**Me: Yeah, probably. OH! And for those who were wondering, the movie is called "Teeth". Odds are you've seen it or at least heard of it! There's also a movie like it called "Vagina Dentata" or something like that. **

**Ichigo: What kind of sick fuck thinks of a vagina with teeth? I bet he's a virgin...Or a menopausal woman...**

**Rukia and Carmen: (Sweatdrop) **

**Me: Sigh. Anyway, I give credit to the first half of this chapp to dgj212, because it was his idea and some of the dialogue was his too. Thanks! And thank you for the cakes and whatnot - already have 109 reviews! WHOO-HOO! So read, review, don't forget to lemme know if there's something you want done in the sequel to "Dude", aaaand**

**Rukia: (playing with Ichigo's Dunce Cap of Shaaaame) ENJOOOOY!  
**

* * *

After Peyton got out of the freezing-cold shower, she realized that it did virtually _nothing_ to...shall we say, "calm her down".

She was still incredibly hot, she was _still_ wanting some action, and she was still unbelievably pissed and...a little hurt. "What to do...?" she wondered, drying herself off.

She was squeezing the drenched ends of her hair when it hit her; if she knew anything about Ichigo – and she knew EVERYTHING about him – it's the fact that he reacted and got fooled into just about _anything_ when his Macho Manliness was questioned.

_Should I do it? Should I __**really**__ go there? He could get really pissed_, she wondered to herself.

But then she felt the, uh... "urges" hit her again, and she groaned miserably. "Screw it! I CAN'T TAKE IT!" she exclaimed, stomping out of the bathroom to the bed.

Ichigo was laying there, still wrapped up in the covers, watching cartoons. Peyton sweatdropped. _That movie completely scared the living shit out of him...!_

Still unbelievably upset, she picked her words carefully. "Some man _you_ are," she commented in a voice that could cut steel.

Ichigo totally took the bait, glancing up at her. "Sorry, what was that?"

"Do you believe in poofy-haired, sparkly, crack-addicted-looking _vampires_ too?"

"Um, Peyton, what are you _talking _about?"

"You got scared out of sex – with ME – because of a _fictional movie_! I repeat, some man _you _are!"

"Whoa, wait wait, hold the phone! ...Did you just question my manliness, Peyton?"

"You bet your squeamish ass I did. In fact, I'm not questioning it, I'm DOUBTING IT!"

"Isn't that the same thing...?" he wondered, and she sighed impatiently.

"Does it matter?"

"Actually, yes, it does. For I am as tough as...as...CHUCK NORRIS!" he exclaimed defensively.

She stared at him stonily. "..._What _did you just say?" she asked in a deadly tone, making him gulp.

"I, uh...I said I was as tough as Chuck Norris!" Ichigo declared confidently, throwing off the covers and sprawling out spread-eagled as if that were supposed to impress her in some way.

All it did was make Peyton's temple throb tenfold. "You...just crossed...the _line_...KURO-FUCKING-SAKI!" she shouted, making him jump.

"But its true, I would totally beat him in a fight – I'm a goddamn Soul Reaper!"

"Ichigo, Chuck doesn't fight: he just _allows you_ to _lose_!"

"...What?" he asked, sitting up and sweatdropping.

"And his fist makes the speed of light wish it was faster!" she continued indignantly.

"...Uh, Peyton, when I use bankai, I'm faster than –"

"AND TO TOP IT OFF, HE ATTACKS SHARKS WHEN HE SMELLS THEM BLEED!"

"... Peyton, _no one _can smell a shark bleed. It's pretty much impossible underwater, they'd drown and all they'd smell was...well, water, salt, and pee."

"WRONG, Kurosaki!" she shouted loud enough to make Ichigo fall off the bed in surprise.

"CHUCK DOESN'T EVEN _GO_ SWIMMING, WATER JUST _WANTS_ TO BE _AROUND _HIM! And even fucking KENPACHI ZURAKI would tremble in his presence! And...A-And Chuck's tears can CURE CANCER!" she added before sniffling, to her horror.

This didn't go by unnoticed, and Ichigo stood up slowly, eyeing her carefully. "...Peyton, what is this _really _about?"

She didn't know if it was because she was genuinely upset, just tired, still a little drunk, or a combination of the three, but she promptly burst into tears.

"Ichigooo...! You begged me, you pissed me off beyond belief, you abused me-"

"Whoa whoa whoa, what? When the hell did I ABUSE yo-"

"JUST STOP TALKING AND LET ME BABBLE!" she shouted, and he held his hands up in surrender.

Peyton took a deep breath, trying to keep more tears from escaping. No such luck.

"For the past few days you annoyed me to no end, you teased me, you tried to persuade me despite how _obvious_ it was it wasn't gonna work...! And all because you wanted to fuck me! _And then_, when I _finally_ decided 'Hey, you know, I'm really in the mood for sex after those Rapist Van guys almost killed us', and you finally got a chance to 'open your present', you threw me aside! Literally! I fell off the bed while you cowered over a goddamn movie! I mean...is that all we do now? Either we have sex, I deny you and you do something stupid about it, or you deny me and _still_ do something stupid?" she asked honestly, making his temple throb at that last part.

"I'm not _always_ the one who does something stupid!"

She sighed exasperatedly. "SEE? You're totally missing the point! The WHOLE POINT, by a long shot! I'm standing here genuinely upset! ...Remember earlier on in the trip? When we had that fight about sex and egos? ...Is that what we're gonna be like now? Just sex and stupid arguments? I...I could get stupid arguments from anybody, and as for sex, well..." she trailed off; now he was staring at her, making her feel a little embarrassed, and now she just felt tired and grumpy.

"...Well, I don't remember half of what I just went on about or why I'm tearing up, but I _do_ remember thinking for the first time ever, 'Why is he even still my boyfriend?' and that part scares me!" she admitted, her voice breaking at the end as she turned away from him in an effort to get him to stop looking at her like that.

She had no idea what had brought all this on, and neither did he by the looks of it, but now she was upset all over again and beyond confused with herself.

Ichigo walked over and put his arms around her, causing her to turn slightly and look despite herself. Peyton saw he was flashing one of those extremely rare half-smiles of his, making her stomach flip again.

"Why am I your boyfriend, huh? Obviously because we have a ton in common, right? And because I asked you on a date almost an entire _year_ ago, and you agreed. And let's see, what else...? Because I'm one of the few people who can always tolerate you no matter what, and you're one of the _extremely_ few people who's the same with me? That's a real good reason. And then...I loved you _before_ we started having sex, and I still do. And even if we _didn't_ have sex, I'd still keep loving you more every day. Aaaand because the thought of you with anyone else makes me wanna go bankai on whoever it is you're with. And because on the rare occasions when I think about the future, you're always in it. Because I know you better than any one else does or ever will," he concluded, kissing the top of her head and the side of her face.

At this point Peyton's heart was beating like crazy, and she felt butterflies in her stomach for the first time in at least a few months. _Huh...He's still got it...!_

"_And_ because I'm the only one who knows the way you like it," he added suddenly, and despite how unbelievably perverted that sounded, Peyton still found it romantic for some reason. She supposed it was just because he was the one to say it.

"Those are some pretty good reasons," she said simply before grabbing him by the chin and pulling him in for a kiss, which, naturally, turned into a lot more than that.

* * *

"_That's_ my boy!" Isshin cheered to himself outside the door, a glass against their hotel room door and a huge grin on his face.

And with that, he deduced their relationship was safe again, and he went to go find some food to eat before putting extras in the trunk for later on the road.

"Phew. ...Almost got stuck in that trunk earlier. Good thing I knocked it loose...I'll have to fix that or something...Don't want my darling son and future-daughter-in-law finding me out too soon!" he said cheerfully, successfully creeping out the girl standing next to him in the elevator.

He grinned at her. "Why hello there! ...Wanna see my Baby-Making Chart?"

_**THWACK!**_

Isshin rubbed the side of his face as the girl stepped out of the elevator, shaking his head. "People around here are more hostile than in Karakura by a _long_ shot," he commented before shrugging and practically prancing over to the buffet.

* * *

The next morning, Peyton awakened to basically hell in a bucket. Before she could even blink, she was aware of three things:

One, her head felt like it was about to split right open. Two, she was thirsty as hell. And three, her stomach was killing her.

"Ohhhh God," she moaned, rubbing her head.

"I know, last night was awesome and we didn't even have _actual_ sex," Ichigo said groggily, her moaning having almost immediately woken him up.

Peyton's temple throbbed, making her groan again. "_No_, idiot, that was a moan of pure misery," she informed him, opening one eye to try and figure out her surroundings.

There were double doors leading off to some sort of balcony to her right...television straight ahead...Ichigo propping himself up on one elbow to her left...BATHROOM!

She shot into a sitting position, only to flop back down as the room started spinning. "Ichigooo?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you carry me to the bathroom before I throw up everywhere?" she moaned, feeling the bile rise in her throat.

He practically flew out of bed, taking her with him and plopping her down in front of the toilet right as she started puking her guts out. Ichigo held her hair back for her, sweatdropping. "Guess this means you won't be drinking beer for a _loooong_ time."

Her temple throbbed, making her hiss in a breath before coughing. "...Yes. Very clever deduction there, Ichigo. No alcohol for me for a while."

"_This_ is why we don't drink strangers' drinks."

"B-But it wasn't a stranger, it was Mike Ness!" she protested.

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "I don't care if he was the president, you don't drink after him!"

"But I drink after _you_!"

"Yeah, but nine times out of ten, the last place my mouth has been is somewhere on you. With Mike Ness, there's no telling!"

She turned red at that first part, but then she was annoyed all over again. "Ichigo, seriously, people drink other people's drinks all the time!"

"I don't _care_ what other people are doing! If other people were jumping off a bridge, would you do it?"

"...Well, if there wasn't too big a drop or anything, sure."

"...Well, there's a big drop, the bridge is called Certain Death Bridge, and you just saw someone jump in and die on impact. These other people you mentioned are all like 'Holy shit, that's awesome! Peyton, we're jumping too to see if we make it, wanna join us?'. Would you?"

"...No," she muttered in defeat before grinning. "Wait, yes."

"WHAT? WHY?" he shouted, making her head hurt even more.

"STOP SHOUTING, DUMBASS! ...Owww..."

"Oh, right, sorry. ...What? Why?" he whispered, making her roll her eyes.

"Because I know you'd be around somewhere and either stop me from jumping or go all Soul Reaper and catch me before I hit the water," she replied confidently.

"...I'd kiss you if you didn't just puke up a lung," he commented, making her laugh. Which, of course, made her feel even more sore.

"Oh _Gooood_, take me back to bed," she moaned, and he sweatdropped as he flushed the toilet before picking her up and doing as she asked.

"I've always wanted to hear you say that, but definitely not like this."

"Ichigo, we've had sex more than once in a row before," she muttered as he got her back in bed.

"Yeah, but you've never said _that_! ...You usually just say something like 'Alright, round two!' or 'Access re-granted' or something else really random."

Peyton rolled her eyes, which made her eyeballs hurt and also made her feel slightly suicidal. "...I'll keep that thought in mind. While we're talking about things we want, I've always wanted you to just _let me know_ if I'm not doing something right. It's kinda hard when all I'm getting is moans and 'Peytoooon!'s," she said groggily, making him sweatdrop.

"...Peyton. That just means you're doing everything right."

"...Oh."

"Are you hungry?"

"YES. Starving and thirsty," she informed him, and he nodded before standing up.

"I'll go try and find something, then."

"They have waffles."

"...How do you know?"

"The first thing I do when I check into a hotel is check to see if they have waffles, _always_," she muttered, burying her face in the mattress to try and make everything even more dark.

Ichigo sweatdropped. "Somehow that doesn't surprise me."

"Hey. Ichigo," she called out, jumping with a sharp intake of breath when he replied from right beside her. She'd thought he had started to leave already.

"Yeah?"

"...Sorry about last night. I...honestly have no idea why I was so upset," she muttered, still face-down against the mattress.

He lightly kissed the top of her head, then her shoulder. "Don't worry about it. You were drunk as hell last night, too. Alcohol _is_ a depressant, y'know."

Her temple throbbed, making the pain worse and pissing her off even more. "_I_ taught you that when we were studying for the finals, dumbass!"

He just laughed as he left, making her huff moodily. "Damn giants. Think they know everything."


	13. Texting & NPH!

**Me: Back again! Sorry that the text format takes up a ton of space...dgj212 gave me the idea for the first text, and it all kinda spiraled from there...(nervous laugh)**

**Ichigo: Yeah yeah, can we just get on with it?**

**Rukia: Where's Kon? KOOOOON?**

**Me: Aren't I usually the one who bellows for Kon?**

**Rukia: Not today.**

**Me: Aw.**

**Kon: (runs in breathing heavy) HERE, MISTRESS MANDY! **

**Me: Did you bring cake with you? **

**Kon: TA-DAAAA! (Wheels in Cake Number One. It's from Morce, and next to it are his gifts. The cake is a waffle cake with Morce chasing Aizen around with the spirit saber. Gifts include a pain relief/anti-acid pill for Peyton, for Ishinn, a train. You know, one of those little toy trains with his baby making chart on it? Along with a stealth award for Ishinn surviving this long without Ichigo and Peyton noticing)**

**Me: Awesome! Ahhhh, chasing him with the spirit saber...that was hilarious.**

**Ichigo: (Major temple throb) Permission to destroy the fuck outta that train and the Baby-Making Chart?**

**Me, Rukia, and Carmen: Permission not granted!**

**Ichigo: GODDAMMIT! KON, GET ON WITH THE STUPID CAKES.**

**Kon: ...No need to be rude, Ichigo. ON WITH THE GOODS! (Wheels in a single manilla envelope with the symbol for male stamped as a seal on the front, for Ichigo of course, from Hollownature.)**

**Me: What's it say?**

**Kon: (Opens it up) Ahem: "Apparently the dunce-cap-o-shame wasn't enough, I have taken up with the COUNCIL OF MEN the idea of revoking your(Kurosaki Ichigo)manliness since this is the third (fourth?) time in as many days that you(Kurosaki Ichigo) have left your(Kurosaki Ichigo) girlfriend(Peyton Cullen) wanting. Our president, Chuck Norris, has approved this unprecedented action if this continues. Frankly, your actions are annoying us on the council and giving men everywhere a bad name. You have one last chance, this is your only warning."**

**Me: (points at Ichigo and laughs)**

**Ichigo: ...SHUT UP.**

**Me: Nah, I'm good. ON WITH IT, KON! (Dazzling smile)**

**Kon: Sure thing, Mistress Mandy! (Wheels in cake and gifts from The Layman: A 1' by 1' Belgian waffle piled high with whipped cream and dripping with syrup. On the tray is a note that says "For the happy couple. From Isshi- I mean, courtesy of the hotel management. p.s., Ichigo, well done last night! *wink wink*" Also, a bottle of alka seltzer for me, a box of Peeps for Rukia, a bottle of Elvis's hair gel for Carmen, and a rock for Ichigo.)**

**Carmen: (caresses hair gel) I got more gel!**

**Me: I got alka seltzer!**

**Rukia: I GOT PEEPS!**

**Ichigo: ...I got a rock.**

**Me: Aww, poor charlie brown! **

**Ichigo: Go to hell.**

**Me: YOU FIRST! Anyway, our last set of gifts made me laugh, especially Kon's. KOOON, WHEEL 'EM IN!**

**Kon: GLADLY! (They're from cookiesXlove, a good friend of MangaMagic. There's a triple chocolate cake with chocolate icing inbetween the layers and chocolate fudge icing on top. Also there's a trophy made of chocolate with a plaque that reads: "To Ichigo: even if you ARE one of the most annoying people ever known; you're still good to your girl! XD XD" For me, A GIANT PENCIL, for Rukia: A Chappy doll holding hearts that say "I love you", aaand for Kon: A box that says "Your own personal BLOW UP GIRL! Hours of joy and... SHE VIBRATES!")**

**Kon: (runs off with new toy) OHMIGOD I LOVE PAIGGEEEEEEE! **

**Me: ...I wonder what he's gonna name his toy?**

**Everyone: ...WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT?**

**Me: (Shrugs) It's late at night, I can't even think straight right now. Anyway, thanks for another handful of hilarious reviews, and thanks for reading! Read, review some more, and ENJOOOOY!**

**Rukia: ...Aren't I usually the one to say that?**

**Me: Not today.**

**Rukia: Aw. **

**Ichigo: ...De ja vu, anyone?  
**

* * *

Ichigo shook his head as he left the room, heading for the elevator. "What does she mean 'THINK they know everything'? ...Damn midgets, think they're the boss. I wouldn't fetch food for just _any_ girl, I hope she knows that. ...Why the hell does she think SHE'S the boss, anyways?" he exclaimed, and the guy that was already in the elevator shook his head.

"Lady troubles, eh?"

Ichigo was about to reply when his phone vibrated, so he glanced at it and saw a message from Peyton. "The hell does she want now?" he wondered.

**10:16 am**

**From: Peyton**

**Because I am! Jeez...**

Ichigo gulped, paling a little. "H-How did she...?" The guy had peeked over his shoulder, and just nodded solemnly. "I'm tellin' ya, man. They know all."

And with that, the guy got off on the ninth floor. Ichigo gaped at his phone for another five seconds before frantically texting his reply.

* * *

Ichigo had just shut the door to their hotel room when her phone vibrated from the nightstand to her left. Peyton stretched out a hand blindly, hoping it wasn't Dad or Miya demanding to know where the hell she was. She flipped it open before sighing with relief; it was just Seth.

_**10:15 am**_

_**From: Seth**_

_**Still alive, P?**_

She rolled her eyes, once again making her head pound more, and lazily typed her reply.

**10:15 am**

**From: Peyton**

**Shockingly. But I'm pretty sure I'm dying.**

* * *

_**1**__**0:15 am**_

_**From: Seth**_

_**WHUT. DID ICHIGO GIVE U AIDS? **_

Her temple throbbed majorly at that, and she very nearly shouted to her phone her reply.

* * *

**10:16 am**

**From: Peyton**

**NO, DUMBASS! I'M JUST SICK, OK?**

* * *

_**10:16 am**_

_**From: Seth**_

_**Suuuure, keep tellin urself tht. Y u sick then?**_

* * *

**10:16 am**

**From: Peyton**

**Because I am! Jeez...**

* * *

_**10:16 am**_

_**From: Ichigo**_

_**O_O Peyton, how the hell did you hear that!**_

Peyton sweatdropped, blinking at the screen. That was most definitely Ichigo – that damn Strawberry was the only one of their friends besides herself that actually typed words out and whatnot instead of using text-speak. She glanced at her outbox and realized she had in fact sent her text to _him_ instead.

**10:16 am**

**From: Peyton**

**I didn't hear whatever the hell you said, dumbass, I'm still in the room! I just sent you a message by mistake...WAIT...WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT ME? **

* * *

_**10:16 am**_

_**From: Ichigo**_

_**NOTHING, JUST THAT I LOVE YOU!**_

* * *

**10:17 am**

**From: Peyton**

**Don't make me roll my eyes, it makes my head hurt more. **

* * *

_**10:17 am**_

_**From: Ichigo **_

_**Not my fault you downed a bottle of Everclear...NOW who's the dumbass?**_

* * *

**10:17 am **

**From: Peyton**

**You are, because you let me. DUMBASS.**

* * *

_**10:17 am**_

_**From: Ichigo**_

_**THIS coming from the one who rattled off facts about Chuck Norris to me last night...**_

* * *

**10:17 am**

**From: Peyton**

**Be that as it may, at least I didn't throw my girlfriend onto the floor in the middle of sex because of a stupid horror movie...**

* * *

_**10:17 am**_

_**From: Seth**_

_**GODDAMMIT, P, I DON'T WANNA KNO ABOUT UR SEX LIFE! ...Or lack of it...**_

* * *

**10:18 am**

**From: Peyton**

**ICHIGO, GODDAMMIT, YOU MADE ME SEND THAT TO MY BROTHER!**

* * *

_**10:18 am**_

_**From: Ichigo**_

_**Send what?**_

* * *

**10:18 am**

**From: Peyton**

**Fwd: Be that as it may, at least I didn't throw my girlfriend onto the floor in the middle of sex because of a stupid horror movie...**

* * *

_**10:18 am**_

_**From: Ichigo**_

_**...GREAT. He's never gonna let me live that down...Wait, what does that Fwd thing mean?**_

* * *

**10:18 am**

**From: Peyton**

**-_-; It means "Forward", dumbass. When you send a copy of a message you sent to someone else?**

* * *

_**10:18 am**_

_**From: Ichigo**_

_**...Oh. I knew that. Orihime sends me a lot of those...**_

* * *

**10:19 am**

**From: Peyton**

**I think I might do that one day. Spam the shit outta your inbox with random forwards. Ishihackaloogie sent me one the other day about a clown statue that WASN'T a statue, and if I didn't send the message to twenty people the clown was gonna kill me. ...I shoulda kicked his ass, I stayed up all night that night!**

* * *

_**10:19 am**_

_**From: Ichigo**_

_**...Peyton. I know. I stayed up WITH YOU on the PHONE that night. You made me, remember?**_

* * *

**10:19 am**

**From: Peyton**

**I did? OHH YEAH, I did! ...C'mon, Ichigo, you can't seriously expect me to remember things I do when I stay up late at night...**

* * *

_**10:20 am**_

_**From: Ichigo**_

_**Hmm...SHOULD I make a perverted comment on that, or does it speak for itself?**_

* * *

**10:20 am**

**From: Peyton**

**...Shut up. **

* * *

_**10:20 am**_

_**From: Ichigo**_

...**_Peyton, it just occurred to me that the elevator's taken me up 8 different floors instead of dropping me off at the lobby. _**

* * *

**10:20 am**

**From: Peyton**

**OHSHIT, possessed elevator! Just like the Tower of Terror! Just jump out on the next stop!**

* * *

_**10:20 am**_

_**From: Ichigo**_

_**GOOD IDEA! ...Wait...Actually, I just realized it was 'cause there's other people in the elevator and I was too busy texting you to get off at the lobby...**_

* * *

**10:21 am**

**From: Peyton**

**...LOL just doesn't seem to fit how hard I'm laughing right now. And I hate you for it. I'm in so much pain now thanks to you! ...I'm officially changing your name in my phone to "Dumbass".**

* * *

_**10:21 am**_

_**From: Dumbass**_

_**I changed yours to "Pain in my ass" a looong time ago...In fact, I think I'll change it BACK to that.**_

* * *

**10:21 am**

**From: Pain in my ass**

**FINE. See if I care. **

* * *

_**10:21 am**_

_**From: Dumbass**_

_**...Wait, what did you want me to get you again?**_

* * *

**10:21 am**

**From: Pain in my ass**

**WAFFLES, dumbass! Jeez, you really earn that title...**

* * *

_**10:21 am**_

_**From: Dumbass**_

_**THE ELEVATOR DISTRACTED ME!**_

* * *

**10:21 am**

**From: Pain in my ass**

**What, all the pretty little buttons lighting up? Did you giggle and clap your hands, too?**

* * *

_**10:21 am**_

_**From: Dumbass**_

_**...Shut up.**_

* * *

**10:22 am**

**From: Pain in my ass**

**Gladly, you're making my fingers hurt – the only part of my body that WASN'T in pain...Way to go.**

* * *

_**10:22 am**_

_**From: Dumbass**_

_**It's not too late for me to run back down there and make you feel aaallll better.**_

* * *

**10:22 am**

**From: Pain in my ass**

**Kurosaki, that was a fail of an attempt to hit on me if I ever saw one. **

* * *

_**10:22 am**_

_**From: Dumbass**_

_**That's why it works, it's so much of a fail that you pity me ;D**_

* * *

**10:22 am**

**From: Pain in my ass**

**Not this time, unless you're cool with me sleeping through it. ...Wait...don't answer that. O_O**

* * *

_**10:22 am**_

_**F**__**rom: Dumbass**_

_**Hahahaha, I was totally gonna answer that xD**_

* * *

**10:23 am**

**From: Pain in my ass**

**WILL YOU PLEASE STOP TEXTING ME SO I CAN SLEEP ALREADY? JESUS...**

* * *

_**10:23 am**_

_**From: Dumbass**_

_**Only because Mike's laughing at me 'cause he thinks we can't stand to be away from each other.**_

* * *

**10:23 am**

**From: Pain in my ass**

**Uh, well, I guess he's kinda right. We've been texting for forever and a day now, I'm sure my brother feels neglected.**

* * *

_**10:23 am**_

_**From: Dumbass**_

_**Do you think he knows it was us that hit him with that vase and knocked him out? **_

* * *

**10:23 am**

**From: Pain in my ass**

**Doubt it...it's SETH we're talking about here. ._.**

* * *

_**10:24 am**_

_**From: Dumbass**_

_**Point taken. I forgot you both came from the same gene pool for a second there...**_

* * *

**10:24 am**

**From: Pain in my ass**

**Alrighty, jackass, see who gets laid when I get over my hangover. NOW STOP GIVING MY FINGERS CRAMPS AND GET MY GODDAMN WAFFLES.**

* * *

_**10:24 am**_

_**From: Dumbass**_

_**Fine, fine, calm your tits! **_

* * *

**10:24 am**

**From: Pain in my ass**

**Did you really just tell me to calm my tits? YOU? ...Did Renji teach you that? xD**

* * *

_**10:24 am**_

_**From: Dumbass**_

_**Yeah, he also keeps changing your name in my phone to "Ichigo's Bitch" in hopes that you'll find it and kick my ass. **_

* * *

**10:24 am**

**From: Pain in my ass**

**...Change of plans. You're officially being listed as "Peyton's Bitch" in my phone. Officially. And there's nothing you can do about it. And on that note, I won't reply to any more of your messages, for my fingers are about to pop off my hands and go commit suicide. **

* * *

_**10:24 am **_

_**From: Peyton's Bitch**_

_**...I'm only letting you get away with that because otherwise we'd send about 75 more texts to each other arguing over it, plus the image of your fingers committing suicide amuses me. So there. I win. Also, I love you.**_

* * *

**10:30 am**

**From: Pain in my ass**

**...Okay, dammit, you win. I responded, mainly to say that my fingers didn't appreciate you laughing at their expense. Also, I love you too.**

**...Okay, so I mainly responded to tell you that last part. **

* * *

_**10:30 am**_

_**From: Seth**_

_**...R YA'LL DONE YET? ALL UR MESSAGES KEEP GETTING SENT 2 MY PHONE, URS AND HIS! GODDAMMIT, PEYTON, I THINK MY EYES R BURNIN!**_

* * *

**10:30 am**

**From: Peyton**

**GO AWAY, SETH!**

* * *

_**10:30 am**_

_**From: Seth**_

_**IM IN ANOTHER STATE, SOON 2 B ANOTHER COUNTRY WHENEVR U GO BACK 2 JAPAN! **_

* * *

**10:31 am**

**From: Peyton**

**...Love you too, bro. Good day, sir.**

* * *

_**10:31 am**_

_**From: Seth**_

_**Hey, im not finished w/u yet, did u really get DRUNK?**_

* * *

_**10:35 am**_

_**From: Seth**_

_**GODDAMMIT, P, ANSWR ME! Dx**_

Peyton turned her phone on silent, threw it across the room, and went back to sleep in the hopes that she'd soon get her beloved waffles.

* * *

_**MEANWHILE****...**_

"You can stop laughing at any time now," Ichigo muttered, temple throbbing as Mike continued to laugh at his expense.

"Sorry, kid, but that was just too damn funny to a hangover-sufferer like me."

Nick nodded before jotting something down. Ichigo rolled his eyes before reading it:

**ANYTHING'S funny when u've got a hangover...**

"Unless you're Peyton," he replied simply. "I think she was just sore all over and wanted to kill me. So...basically herself times negative forty."

"I ain't no math expert," Mike grumbled, making him sweatdrop.

"It's not math, I was just...you know what, nevermind. ...Wait, if you've got such a bad hangover, why're you even out of bed?" he wondered.

He waved the teen off, stumbling a little. "When you've had as much hangover experience as me, you get used to taking care of your hangover needs yourself. Basically meaning you get up as early as possible to get some food to bring back to your room while you lay out in front of the toilet and hack up lungs all day long."

Ichigo frowned, heading for the waffles as the other two went off to find their own food. "Well. This is gonna be a fuuuuun day," he muttered moodily. "I'm not sure if I'm more mad at Peyton for getting drunk, Mike for providing the alcohol in a paper bag so she'd be sure to look at it, myself for letting her, or Nick for just being there."

He nodded, satisfied with that little mental list, and was about to head for the elevator (after getting ten waffles for Peyton and fifteen for himself) when he saw something rather disturbing out of the corner of his eye.

To the right of the breakfast area was some sort of live theatre thing, and on the stage was a guy that looked like his dad.

Ichigo nearly dropped the waffles when the guy spoke again, in a voice unmistakably his _dad's_. "But alas, my love, you aren't here to help me with our children! Why are they so mean to their papa?" the man cried out, sobbing dramatically against a really crappy poster of what Ichigo assumed was supposed to be his mom.

His temple throbbed so majorly that even Peyton would've been intimidated. "What...the...HELL," he growled in disbelief, stomping over to the stage and staring up at him. He didn't have to stare too far up, thanks to his height.

"Dad, get the hell off that stage! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?" he shouted, temple throbbing even more as he grabbed him by the leg.

"Hey, what're you –"

"WHO'S WATCHING KARIN AND YUZU? HUH? SO HELP ME, IF YOU'VE BEEN SHOWING PEOPLE THE BABY-MAKING CHART..." Ichigo shouted as he jumped onto the stage before dragging the idiot backstage with him.

There was lots of chattering going on from the other side, and someone shouted for security. Ichigo let go of him as he struggled, and his eyes grew to the size of saucers when the man ripped off his wig and popped out his contacts. "What the FUCK, man?" he demanded.

"...Oh...Oh, SHIT...Neil Patrick Harris?"

The (considerably shorter) blonde nodded at him, narrowing his eyes. "You bet your freakishly tall ass I am."

_...Peyton's gonna kill me if security doesn't first. ...Scratch that, she'll beat them away so she can maul me to pieces._


	14. The Waffles!

**Me: Finally back! Sorry about that wait...**

**Ichigo: I'm sure they're used to it from you by now.**

**Me: Shut up! This time I had a somewhat-excusable reason!**

**Rukia: Oh, right! **

**Me: I've been re-vamping some of the earlier chapps of "Dude, What's with the Robe?"! So some new scenes have been added here and there, grammar's been double-checked, and I fixed that GODAWFUL scene with the bount in that one chapter...**

**Ichigo: (starts laughing) OH YEAH! God, that was a fail...**

**Me: ...Shut up. So yeah, feel free to check those out, they're definitely much better in my opinion. Right now I'm on chapter...Well, I forgot what number, but it's the one titled "Funhouse" where they first start out on their trip to Disney...and the whole airplane scene's totally different too, as with a lot of those chapters...so yeah, check 'em out! **

**Ichigo: I'm sure they will. Oh yeah. Because they don't have lives or anything, Mandy.**

**Me: ...Bitch. ANYWAY. As far as this story's concerned, I've set myself a goal! I shall do my best to finish this fic by the end of Ichigo's birthday! That means that I'll complete it by midnight of July 15th, about four days from now! Wish me luck!**

**Ichigo: (snorts a laugh) Yeah, you'll need it.**

**Me: Go to hell. HEY, KOOOON, CAKE TIME! **

**Kon: COMING, MISTRESS MANDY! (Prances in with cart bearing Cake Number One, from The Layman. It's green and fuzzy, and you can just barely make out the words "In celebration of Doogie Howser M.D.'s pilot episode". Also, along with the cake is a pez dispenser for Kon, Eddie Van Halen's guitar pick for Carmen, and a pile of horse poop for Ichigo.)**

**Me: I really need to get around to re-watching some eps of Doogie Howser...I didn't watch near as many as I should've...(bows head in shame)**

**Carmen: (Caressing guitar pick) I shall cherish this for the rest of my life...it's going on my pedestal, right next to my hair gel...**

**Ichigo: The fuck's with the horse shit?**

**Me: To add to the already-huge pile of shit you're in, according to him. I couldn't have said it better myself. **

**Rukia: (Sniffles) I didn't get anything! **

**Me: Get over it, I'm sure you'll get something next time. MOVING ON, KOOOON!**

**Kon: RIGHT! (Wheels in Cake Number Two and Three, from ShattertheHeavens. One's got Ichigo running from security with Harris wielding the chart as a bat. The other has got Peyton with Zangetsu chasing after Ichigo, behind them is a pile of knocked-out police officers. On the sides of Peyton's, it says, "ICHIGO, I'M GONNA KICK YER ASS FOR TRYING TO KILL NEIL PATRICK HARRIS!"**

**Me: Nicely done!**

**Ichigo: God, I hope that doesn't actually come true...(shudders)**

**Me: Dream on! NEXT AND FINAL CAKE, KOOOON!**

**Kon: I'm already here, Mistress Mandy.**

**Me: (Pats head) Good boy.**

**(It's from Namine112. It's an 8" waffle-cake with Peyton, Ichigo, and NPH at the top. Ichigo is being held back by security while Peyton looks like she's about to beat his ass. NPH is watching with amusement.)**

**Me: Ahhh, can't wait to see how this all unfolds.**

**Ichigo/Rukia: ...You wrote it, dumbass.**

**Me: Chyeah, but I dunno what happens concerning this NEXT chapter! You know I wing almost every chapter!**

**Ichigo: ...That can't be good author skills. Winging everything. **

**Me: Well, I don't wing EVERYTHING, just...a lot of shit. Anyway, read - **

**Ichigo: REVIEW AS MY EARLY BIRTHDAY PRESENT -**

**Rukia: And as always, ENJOOOOY! **

* * *

Ichigo continued to gawk down at him, and Neil tapped his foot after a few moments. "...Well? You gonna just _stare_ at me all day, big guy?"

"I...am SO SORRY, Mr. Harris! It's just...you looked just like my dad, and –"

Neil cut him off with a laugh of disbelief, pointing at him. "Wait wait wait. Back up. Are YOU Ichigo Kurosaki?"

"Um..."

"That only son of his with the hot girlfriend? The one that chart's about?"

Ichigo's temple throbbed. "Yeah...that's me...Wait, how the hell do YOU know about the Baby-Making Chart?"

"Actually, it's the Bow-Chika-Wow-Wow Meter," Neil corrected, making Ichigo's eye twitch, "and I know because your pops showed me."

"...COME AGAIN?" Ichigo shouted, blowing the hair off Neil's face as he blinked up at him. Before he could reply, they heard more shouting, prompting them both to peek from behind the curtain. Security was running all over the place, walkie-talkies and guns at the ready. "Oh, SHIT," Ichigo groaned.

Neil then groaned as well, pulling them both towards some sort of side exit. "Oh, shit on ME! They're back!"

"Who, security? Whadda you have to worry about, they're looking for ME."

"Nonono, those drug dealer guys...Goddamn it, promise to pay them back for the goods and later wipe your ass with an autographed photo they wanted and they _never_ leave you alone...!" he muttered, opening the door to a parking lot.

"Why the hell would you _do_ that? Who wipes their asses with autographed photos?" Ichigo shouted as the hot air whooshed onto his face, making Neil sigh exasperatedly.

"Look, man, I was _totally_ trippin' balls at the time."

Ichigo sweatdropped majorly at that, then realized he was currently being dragged through a parking lot by Neil Patrick Harris and started spazzing. "HEY, WAIT! I DON'T CARE HOW COOL YOU ARE, STOP DRAGGING ME!"

"No can do, bud, I'm dragging you down to hell with me...Besides, you wanna get man-handled by security or dragged by Doogie Howser?" he pointed out, digging in his jacket pocket for some car keys.

"But you're not Doogie Howser, you just played him."

"A little piece of Doogie's still inside me. You wouldn't understand, it's an actor thing."

Ichigo was about to reply about how total bullshit that was when they heard a door slam open, making them both turn to look. And who should run out and start scanning the lot but the druggies whose asses he and Peyton had kicked. "Oh SHIT, not those guys again," Ichigo groaned, making Neil glance at him.

"What, you know them too?"

"YOU know them too?"

"Those're the guys I was talking about!"

"THEM?" Ichigo shouted, prompting the big burly guy to turn to look at them. Both their faces fell as he got his boss's attention, and they muttered a rather loud "SHIT" before running for Neil's car.

"WRONG WAY, WRONG WAY, OTHER SIDE!" Neil shouted, and Ichigo slid across the hood of the car, ducking his head as gunshots rang out. "GET YOUR BEANPOLE ASS IN THE CAR!" the celebrity commanded, already starting the engine, and he was more than happy to comply.

He tried the door handle, but it didn't open. "Unlock it first, you dumbass!"

"Alright, alright! ...Hey, wait, don't try and open it yet!" he shouted as Ichigo did just that. The car chirped, then locked itself as soon as he pulled the handle.

"JUST UNLOCK IT ALREADY!"

"I'M TRYING! WOULD YOU STOP REACHING FOR IT?"

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET IN WITHOUT OPENING IT!"

"Okay, look, on the count of three, I'll unlock the door. THEN you open it."

"JUST HURRY UP!" Ichigo shouted, dodging more bullets as the three men attempted to move towards their own van through the sea of cars, both parked and moving.

Security then burst through the doors right as they reached their van, making Ichigo growl in agitation. "_**Neil**_," he snapped in his warning tone he usually reserved for extremely annoying or malicious battle opponents, one that Peyton had only heard once when she had threatened to get his dad to give him the Sex Talk as a way to win an argument. She sure as hell never made that mistake again, and now Neil was intimidated as well.

"Hey, look, I'm _trying_! Jesus, no need to go all Children of the Corn on me...Alright one...two...THREE!"

The chirping noise went off again, and Ichigo wrenched the door open with such force that it smashed into the car door of the car next to them. "Oh, sorry about that..."

"JUST GET IN!" Neil shouted as a security guy missed Ichigo's body and shot a hole through Harris's car door's mirror instead. Ichigo dove inside the car, and Neil didn't even bother with putting the car in reverse; instead, he floored the gas and they flew right over the curb and into oncoming traffic.

This caused Neil to swerve to avoid a few cars trying to turn into the hotel, and Ichigo hurriedly put his seatbelt on while they both screamed. "LEFT, LEFT, LEFT!"

"HEY, ASSHOLE, WHAT DOES IT _LOOK_ LIKE I'M DOING?"

"_YOU'RE_ THE ASSHOLE THAT DRAGGED ME INTO THIS!"

"_AFTER_ YOU DRAGGED ME OFF THE STAGE, _DOUCHEBAG_!"

"ONLY _DOUCHEBAGS_ CALL PEOPLE DOUCHEBAGS, _DOUCHEBAG_!"

"OH YEAH? WELL –"

"JUST DRIVE!" Ichigo practically screamed as they barreled towards an eighteen-wheeler, and Neil screamed as well before swerving to the right. They sighed in relief, now in the correct lane of traffic, but their relief was short-lived once the bullets hit through Neil's back window.

"Goddammit, I _just_ fixed that window," Neil muttered, suddenly extremely calm. Ichigo wondered if he'd been in situations like this before, and he thought it very likely considering there was a pamphlet of sorts for some whorehouse on his lap that had popped out of the glove compartment.

He picked it up to put it back inside, and turned bright red at the rather...provocative photos that were revealed once it unfolded itself. He threw it behind him, and Neil scoffed at his expression.

"How the hell're you still a pansy when it comes to slutty pictures? What are you, twelve? Haven't you and what's-her-face had sex roughly, like, a hundred and eighty times?"

Ichigo's temple throbbed, eye twitching slightly. "Can you just DRIVE? In case you haven't noticed, those guys're still behind us!" he shouted, which just seemed to amuse the celebrity further.

"I can multitask, Son of Ish-shin, have some faith."

"Ichigo. My name's Ichigo Kurosaki," he grumbled, and he waved him off.

"Yeah, whoever you are. Seriously though, what's up with the red face? Like I said, you and what's-her-face must've fucked a good hundred times so far, right? A few slutty shots shouldn't shake ya by now...that _can't_ be healthy, or at the very least the sex must _suck_," Neil muttered, making Ichigo seriously consider punching him for the hell of it.

He glanced at him, noticing how tensed he was, and laughed before nudging him on the shoulder. "C'moooon, big guy, lighten up. We're bros, right?"

"No, I'm pretty sure I'm not related to you."

"Alright, smartass, don't make me kick you outta the car," Neil threatened, making Ichigo growl again to himself.

"You still haven't explained how you know about my dad, much less me and the Chart."

"What, the Bow-Chika-Wow-Wow Meter?"

"YES, that!" Ichigo shouted, making Neil shake his head with a smirk, eyes still on the road.

"Seriously, dude, take a chill. There's some 'shrooms in the back, just don't take 'em all."

Ichigo shuddered at the thought of him being high and doing something ELSE stupid; the last thing he needed was to be high with guys shooting at them. _Speaking of which...they haven't shot at us in a while..._

He turned around and realized they were gone, making him sigh in relief. "They're gone."

Neil turned around briefly as well, nodding slowly. "Figures. I'm more than they can handle."

Ichigo's temple throbbed. "Oh? And what exactly have you done so far to get rid of 'em?"

"More than you, I'm sure."

"I highly doubt that," he muttered, "but quit changing the subject and tell me how you know about me and my family!" he demanded.

"Nope, not until you answer MY question."

"WHAT? N-No!"

"Aw, quit being such a jackass."

"You don't just _ask_ someone about their sex life out of the blue like that!" Ichigo shouted, turning red despite himself. Neil looked at him funny, pointing at him in a rather childish fashion. "See? There ya go agaaaa-aain!" he taunted in a sing-song voice, making Ichigo growl.

"Keep your eyes on the road, you sick pervert," he muttered.

"I'm not a pervert. Horny? Always. But not a pervert," Neil informed him as they stopped at a red light, turning to look at Ichigo. "Seriously, Ee-Chee-Go, what's with the red face? You're blushing like a little virgin Catholic girl. You know, the ones with the real short skirts and slutty inner personalities longing to burst forth."

Ichigo's temple throbbed at that, and Neil groaned. "I'm the one _not_ pressing charges here! Want that to change?"

"I don't see why it's any of your goddamn _business_ what me and Peyton do," he muttered.

"PEYTON! Yeah, that's her name. Never met a girl with the name Peyton...except for that soap opera, what was it? ...One Log Creek? Nonono, that's not it..."

"...Although, I guess I've always been like that about sex, or anything romance-related...Really, I wasn't outwardly perverted until _she_ showed up, and it got worse when we started dating...I couldn't help it though, I'd _never_ felt so strongly about a girl before..." Ichigo said thoughtfully, more to himself.

"Dawson's Tree Around the Bend? Nah, too long...One Life of A Call Girl? No, that's _Secret Diary_ of a Call Girl, it's on Cinemax, right? Late at night...with that British chick...but there's no girl named Peyton in it...God, what IS it?" Neil wondered, tapping the steering wheel while waiting for the light to change.

"Lately we've been kinda tense about the whole sex thing, though...I thought it was just 'cause of that whole fail with the horror movie last night, but...Nah, it's something else...Not too sure what, though..."

"One Life to Tarnish? Nah, too British-sounding...The Young and the Slutty? ...No, that's gotta be a porn from a long time ago I'm thinking about...Okay, I think it has One in it...or was it Three...?"

"We've had two big fights – well, big for us – since the trip started, the only two we've had..._ever_...and both times she mentioned our relationship being 'all about the sex'...I don't get it! I mean, half the time _she_ starts it...the only few times _I've_ made the first movie, she yells at me! She kicked me outta the bed, man...granted that was because Hichigo made me grope her, but _still_..."

"I swear to God, it's on the tip of my tongue...No, Stephen Colbert isn't in it, that's Strangers With Candy...No girl named Peyton in that, either...wait, that movie wasn't even a soap, it was some stupid Comedy Central movie...Kinda like how they always air Harold and Kumar..."

"My birthday's in two days, and I'm scared to even _try_ to get laid on said birthday! That can't be right...as a man, that's just plain degrading...Hey, wait...now that I think about it, we _do_ have sex a _lot_...and she mentioned she fakes it sometimes 'cause we do it so much that she can't get back into it quick enough...maybe that makes _her_ feel degraded...But what the hell am I supposed to _do_ about it? I mean, whenever we try and quit for a long time, there's so much sexual tension that we almost explode...but if we do it all the time, we get into more fights that're as stupid and tense as the one we had last night...which wasn't a fight so much as her yelling about Chuck Norris and having an emotional, drunken breakdown..."

"One Stump Village? ...Wait, that's the name of my old rock band in college...Shit, the hell's the _name_ of that show?" Neil wondered as the light finally changed green, shaking his head as he floored the gas.

"I guess I'll just have to corner her and make her talk to me about it...Otherwise, I'll just do _more_ stupid shit to get her mad...Then again, she seemed pretty okay with me when we were texting earlier...Wait, no, I _gotta_ talk to her about it...That's what couples do, right? Goddammit, I'm a Soul Reaper! I _kick ass_ for a living! I can talk to my girlfriend about this kinda stuff, right? YEAH! Right, Neil?" Ichigo asked somewhat enthusiastically, his face falling as Neil suddenly shouted triumphantly.

"ONE TREE HILL! YEAH! That show's got a girl named Peyton on it...a blonde, if I recall...is your Peyton a blonde?"

"...Redhead."

"Oooh, nice. I noticed they're hotter in bed...More willing to do freaky shit, too."

"Did you not hear a word I said?" he demanded, trying to ignore the images Neil had just put in his head for his sanity's sake.

"Something about faking orgasms or something, right?" Neil asked, making Ichigo droop with a templethrob.

"Goddammit, I shoulda known...Wait...Oh, SHIT! WE HAVETA GO BACK TO THE HOTEL!"

"What? Why?"

"I forgot her waffles!"

"...What?"

"Peyton, I forgot her waffles! If I don't give her those goddamn waffles, she's gonna kill me! She's _totally_ hungover right now!"

"She'll be fine, I'm sure security's still combing the area for you anyways..."

"Nonono, Neil, you don't understand. Peyton will kick my _ass_ – and maybe yours, despite how much she likes you. Seriously. She scares me sometimes, and that's saying something. She will _literally_ fry me alive," Ichigo informed him.

"...She's a fan of me?"

"I...guess so, yeah. She's not obsessed with you or anything, but –"

"A fan's a fan, Ee-Chee-Go."

"...Well, whatever, couldn't you just tell the security guys I didn't kidnap you and you aren't pressing charges? That should take care of everything, right?"

"I...guess so, but –"

"NEIL PATRICK FUCKING HARRIS, GO BACK TO THE HOTEL BEFORE I KICK YOUR SHORT WHITE ASS!" Ichigo shouted at the top of his lungs, making Neil jump and swerve into an illegal U-turn.

"Alright, alright! Goddamn..."

* * *

_**MEANWHILE**__**...**_

Peyton frowned down at the toilet as she flushed it, trudging over to the sink. "That has to be the last of it...for one, I don't feel quite as shitty, and for another...I don't think I have anything left _to_ throw up...thanks to a certain _dumbass_ not being back with my goddamn _waffles_ yet..."

Of course, she muttered all this while brushing her teeth, so it came out a little weird. She glanced up at her reflection and couldn't help but smirk. "Jeez...How do I still look good with this bad of a hangover? Must be 'cause I'm surrounded by people I don't know, so it doesn't really matter...Naturally," she muttered with a scoff, trudging back to the main room with a hand clutching her stomach. Her abs were especially sore after all that puking; it had started back up again almost right after she'd thrown her phone across the room.

What bullshit.

And now she had been waiting _forever_ for her stupid waffles! Peyton sat on the edge of the bed, deciding laying down wouldn't do much good since she'd feel miserable either way. After about three minutes passed, in which time she'd checked every channel on the tv and not finding anything remotely interesting, she growled to herself before downing a couple pills for her headache and slipping on her shoes. "Goddammit, Ichigo, you're _really_ gonna make me go down to the lobby and kick your ass?"

* * *

Once she got downstairs, she was almost run over by a couple security guards, her eyes widening slightly at the cluster of even _more_ police around some stage to the far side of the lobby.

She shook her head, heading for the breakfast area. Peyton noticed Nick and Mike and stomped right over to them. "Where the hell's Ichigo?" she demanded to know, hands on her hips as she glared at them.

Her glare was fierce enough to make Mike stop making some much younger blonde giggle and Nick's fork to stop halfway to his mouth. "Uhhh...Haven't seen him for a good fifteen minutes now...Last I saw, he was over by the waffles getting you some," Mike replied, and they both glanced at the mob of security straight ahead.

"Huh. Well, uh, what happened over there?"

"_Apparently, _someone kidnapped Neil Patrick Harris," the blonde piped up, making them all turn to look at her.

"_Really_? Neil Patrick Harris was HERE?" Peyton exclaimed, making them all sweatdrop at her rather fangirlish expression. "...Shut up," she snapped, making them sweatdrop even more.

"Um, yeah. They say whoever it was, he was _reeeeaaally_ tall and dragged Neil right off the stage!"

Peyton's eye twitched. "Really tall, you say? Tell me, did he have bright orange hair?"

"I dunno. I wasn't there, I heard it all from my friend Bonnie."

"Pray tell, where IS this Bonnie?" she demanded, her icy tone unnerving them all.

"U-Uhhh, by the pool!"

"Ugh, great...Still...Ichigo's the only person dumb enough to kidnap N –"

"Wait, the kidnapper DID call him Dad and ask who was watching 'Caren' and 'Yoo-Zoo'...Bonnie thinks he may be delusional," the blonde informed her, her voice lowering to a whisper before she sipped more of her smoothie.

Peyton's eye twitched, and Mike couldn't help but snicker to himself as she stomped off, flip-flops popping rather noisily with each step. "I'll be back later...Ichigo, you're so fucking dead!" she practically screamed, making everyone turn to look at her.

"Excuse me, sir...HEY, EXCUSE ME!" she barked at the cluster of police, making one of them jump and glance at her.

"Uh, miss, this is an official crime scene -"

"Don't gimme that shit, did you see which way the guy went with Neil?" she demanded.

"Sorry, that's confidential -"

She glared at him, growling slightly as some electricity crackled across her skin. "WHICH. Way. Did. He. GO?"

"U-Uhhh, they sped off that way!" he exclaimed, pointing to the right. "Downtown, it looked like!"

"Thank you, officer," she said cheerfully, beaming at him before stomping for the main entrance to the hotel. "Ichigo, you better hope I don't find you...!"


	15. Crappy PickUp Lines Run Rampant!

**Me: WHOO! Back! Quickest update in Highway to Hell history? Hell, in MANDY History? I think so!**

**Ichigo: (Nods) Less than 24 hours, I'm impressed.**

**Me: As am I. And I'm working on the next chapter as we speak, but regardless, the last chapter WILL be posted on Ichigo's birthday and Ichigo's birthday only. ...Just 'cause I'm cool like that.**

**Ichigo: (Snorts a laugh) Chyeah, okay.**

**Me: I AM! You know what, fuck you, Koooooon!**

**Kon: (Runs in with cart) I'M HERE! (The cake's from...well, it doesn't say, so I'm calling this person Blank Dude. Blank Dude sends a 14" by 12" by 2" red velvet cake with vanilla frosting and an image of Peyton with an evil aura around her on one side and Ichigo sitting in the car with Neil going "oh shit, oh shit, OH SHIT" while making a panicked/terrified face on the other side. Also, a chappy hat for Rukia)**

**Rukia: (Dives for Chappy hat) YAY! THIS IS THE ONLY CHAPPY MERCHANDISE I DON'T HAVE! Well, besides the chappy tampons and chappy condoms...I ran out of Chappy tampons...**

**Ichigo/Me/Carmen: (Collective WTF Faces and shudders) Rukia, no...just...no.**

**Me: Kon, please just wheel in the next cake. PLEASE.**

**Kon: YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND, MISTRESS MANDY! (Wheels in Cake Number Two, from The Layman. It's made of devil's chocolate with chocolate icing on top and vanilla icing between the layers. Adjoining the top is a stethoscope. Aaaand, he's got some gifts! For Rukia, some red, white and blue rabbit peeps (sorry about not giving you anything last time!) For Carmen, Da Vinci's thinking cap. For Kon, a tux and a pair of white gloves, fitted. And for Ichigo, a little care package to help you avoid the wrath of Peyton, the drug dealers, and Neil Patrick Harris' security. (Package includes 1 ticket for a free plastic surgery session, 1 professional make up kit, 6 different changes of clothes, 2 airline tickets to anywhere, 50,000 U.S dollars to help you settle in wherever you end up, a Chappy doll to help you ward off Peyton on the off chance that she finds you, and another helping of horse poop for the collection.) )**

**Me: WHOO-HOO! Doogie Howser! Totally called that reference.**

**Ichigo: ...I shall cherish this package. I'm gonna need it, I'm guessing, Mandy?**

**Me: (Evil laugh)**

**Carmen: And I'm gonna cherish THIS forever! I shall NEVER get caught now that I have the powers of Da Vinci's thiking cap!**

**Ichigo/Me: Carmen, you're Carmen San Di-fucking-ego. You never get caught anyway.**

**Carmen: ...But still. Now I'll be even MORE never caught!**

**Everyone: (Sweatdrops) Right, Carmen. Right.**

**Me: Oh, and before I forget, thanks for reviewing for the first time, BisounoursenGuimauve! Anyway, MOVING ON!**

**Kon: (Wheels in Cake Number Three, from Namine1112. It's a giant fudge cake with Peyton on top, furious and literally GLOWING with electricity, and Ichigo cowering in fear. On the cake it says: "YOU SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT ME THE DAMN WAFFLES!" In purple letters)**

**Me: ...That's awesome. XD**

**Ichigo: And I can picture her doing that...Mind if I hide here for a while, Mandy?**

**Me: Yes, actually, I do. I have a CHAPTER to do, and you kinda have to be in it! Here, take this EMT-grade first aid kit "Just That American" gave me. ...Speaking of which, I'mma go check on my big ole pot of coffee they got me as well. OH! And since this story's coming to a close, I'm gonna have the option I always put for stories I complete. If you have AAAAAANY questions for Dude, Highway, Peyton, Ichigo, their relationship, plans for the sequel, or questions for me about random shit like my favorite color, feel free to ask in a review or PM, and I'll be sure to answer them in a Q and A session after the story's officially complete. **

**Carmen: Yeah, or any questions about who the hell I am. Sooo read - **

**Me/Ichigo: REVIEW!**

**Rukia: AND ENJOOOOOY! :D  
**

* * *

Peyton felt like a retarded vampire in the hot San Diego sun; she was clutching her head and hissing in a breath every ten seconds. "Goddamn it..."

And it didn't help that she kept being the victim of horrible pick-up lines for whatever the hell reason. The first moron approached her less than thirty feet from the hotel doors. "Are you from Tennessee? 'Cause you're the only ten _I_ see!"

She paused, blinking at him. "Huh? How'd you know?" Of course, then it occurred to her it was a sucky pick-up line, and her temple throbbed as he grinned at her.

"Never gotten that response before. Want me to show ya how we have a good time in the big city?"

"That depends, want me to show _you_ how we get rid of people who annoy us in Memphis?" she asked in her usual threatening tone she reserved for moments just like this. ...Or whenever Ichigo did something incredibly stupid.

Peyton couldn't help but snicker as he gulped and shook his head quickly before walking in the other direction as fast as his legs could carry him. _Serves him right._

She then remembered the sun was killing her head, and hissed in another breath as the feeling of the back of her eyes exploding inside her skull came back in a rush. She paused for a moment, clutching her head, then continued down the street. "Let's see, he said they headed downtown...I guess I could get a cab instead of walking around like an idiot...Wait..."

She felt her pockets for her wallet before realizing she'd left both it and her cell phone in the room. "SHIT!" she shouted, making passersby turn to look at her funny before continuing on their way. Though the hotel was just around a couple corners, she didn't feel like walking all the way back just to leave again, so she sighed heavily and trudged on.

"Goddammit, Ichigo, this is all your fault. So help me, when I find you...!"

"Excuse me, miss, but did you cause global warming?" a guy suddenly asked her, making her glance to her left as he walked beside her.

"Um...no..."

"Are you sure? 'Cause your hotness could most definitely melt the polar ice caps," he informed her.

Her temple throbbed, and she stomped ahead of him, shocking him a little as she passed. "OW! The hell was that? DID YOU DO THAT?" he asked some random businessman next to him that was on his cell phone. Peyton snickered again, somewhat cheerful now that she had exacted some of her rage on someone, but it didn't last long.

She'd been walking for a good ten minutes when she got yet ANOTHER pick-up line thrown her way. "Hey! ...Oh, damn. You're so pretty that I forgot my pick-up line!" this guy informed her, whipping his long hair out of his face even though there was no wind.

"Uh...thank you."

"Say, I think there's something wrong with my phone, could you help me?" he asked as she turned to walk away. Being the relatively nice person she was (and also thinking he'd let her use it to call Ichigo if she helped him), she turned around to peer down at his phone. "Sure, what's wrong with it?"

"Your number's not in it."

She narrowed her eyes at him, making him gulp. "Try that again, pretty boy."

"I'd...rather not!" he said quickly before running off, making passersby gawk at her yet again. Peyton started laughing, which then made her clutch both her head and stomach while hissing in a sharp breath. "Ah, son of a bitch..."

She kept walking and noticed a guy with bright orange hair in the crowd. Who also happened to be around Ichigo's height. "HEY! ICHIGO! C'MERE SO I CAN KICK YOUR ASS!" she shouted, ignoring the pain she felt all over as she ran after him.

Peyton turned him around and was about to shock the hell out of him while kicking him repeatedly (at least, she'd try to) when she realized it was a woman. "Um, can I _help_ you?" she snapped, mace at the ready.

"...No, that's alright...I, uh...thought you were someone else...JESUS, LADY!" Peyton shouted, ducking the stream of mace she sprayed towards her face.

"YEAH, BITCH, YOU KEEP RUNNIN'!"

She did just that, running across the street and not stopping until she was a couple blocks away and couldn't run any further, barely able to breathe.

Peyton put her hands on her knees, bending over slightly and feeling like she was about to throw up. After a few moments of willing herself not to puke in public and soothing her nerves with thoughts of torturing Ichigo, she straightened back up and started walking again. "Excuse me, but there's something wrong with my phone," a guy called out to her, making her growl and walk faster.

"Hey! Wait! OOF!" he shouted as he tripped on her foot, and she crouched down to help him up.

"I'm so sorry! Are you okay?"

"You got a band-aid? 'Cause I sure fell hard for _you_," he commented, making her drop him with a temple throb. "Yep, you're okay."

"No, really, there's something wrong with my phone!" he protested, and she stopped to turn and glare at him.

"So help me, if you say it's because my number's not in it, I'll kick your ass so hard you won't sit for weeks."

He gulped and shook his head. "No, really, I _planned_ on saying that...but I think when I tripped I broke the screen, and now my password isn't working," he explained, holding up his Apple phone.

Peyton sighed heavily and helped him up before peering down at it. "...Looks like the part you drag your finger across to get to that bottom one's cracked. Try pressing down a little harder."

She sweatdropped when that actually worked, and he shouted triumphantly, making her head want to explode. "YES! Thanks! Anything I can do to return the favor?"

His tone was suggestive, but she brightened suddenly. "Actually, there is. Can I borrow that real quick to call my boyfriend?"

He drooped at that, but handed it to her anyway. "Suuuure..."

* * *

_**MEANWHILE****...**_

Ichigo jumped out of Neil's car as it was pulling up to the hotel, making the celebrity screech to a halt. "EE-CHEE-GO, ARE YOU INSANE? GODDAMN, I JUST _FIXED_ THESE BRAKES!" he shouted as Ichigo ran inside.

Security was right by the door, and his eyes widened as they stared at him for a few seconds. "...That's him! Don't just _stand there_, get him!" one guy shouted, and Ichigo gulped before sprinting away.

Unfortunately, he tripped on a pen, causing him to fall. "WHO THE HELL LEAVES A PEN IN THE MIDDLE OF A LOBBY?" he demanded, and he was tackled by burly security men right as Nick sheepishly grabbed his pen out from under Ichigo's head.

"I hate you, you know that?" he informed him, and Nick shrugged.

"UNHAND HIM!" Neil shouted, holding out a palm as if he were parting the Red Sea or something. The men gawked at him before slowly clambering off the now twitching Ichigo. "I've decided _not_ to press charges against this young man. There is now _no_ need to search the back seat of my car for evidence," he added quickly as if they'd been thinking about doing so, making Ichigo sweatdrop.

"Anything to save the shrooms, huh?" he stated as he clambered to his feet, rubbing the back of his head where it had hit the marble floor. Not that something as simple as a fall really fazed him anymore, considering all the battles he'd been through, but it still hurt a bit.

"Ixnay on the roomsshay," Neil muttered through a smile so fake it made Ichigo smirk.

Then he remembered why he'd ran into the hotel like a madman in the first place, and turned to look at Nick. He and Mike were currently trying to creep towards an open elevator, and Ichigo caught up to them with ease. "Have you guys seen Peyton?" he asked, and Mike started laughing.

"Yeeeaah, we did. And _you_, sir, are in _such_ a deep pile of shit!"

"She's as pissed as I thought," Ichigo muttered, then looked up at them. "Wait, so she was _here_? Walking? On her feet? In the lobby? _Not_ puking? And talking _coherently_?"

"...Yeah. And she stomped out of the hotel a good twenty minutes ago, off looking for you. Y'know, after she found out you kidnapped Harris over there," Mike replied, cocking his head behind Ichigo to Neil, who was watching them with a rather dramatic expression.

Ichigo wondered what he was thinking, but then he noticed people were snapping pictures of Neil, and he sweatdropped. "He sure knows how to keep the crowd occupied...Know which way Peyton went?"

"No clue."

"Damn. ...Wait, why don't I just...duh!" he muttered to himself as he ran over to Neil, who paused in tossing his head to the side in slow-motion (for whatever the hell reason, maybe he'd taken some 'shrooms recently) as Ichigo dragged him off. "C'mon, you're helping me find Peyton!"

"Unhand me!" he bellowed, and Ichigo rolled his eyes.

"Just hurry up!"

"Of course I will. ...I wanna see what she looks like so I can compare her to the one in my head," he informed him as if Ichigo cared, and the latter just shook his head.

"Whatever you say, Neil."

"So...Any clue where she is?"

"Nope."

"Then how the hell're we gonna find her?"

"First, we're gonna get in the car. You're gonna drive, and I'm gonna concentrate. We'll find her."

Neil sweatdropped, but unlocked the car anyway. "I think you need to lay off my 'shrooms, dude."

Ichigo didn't reply, buckling his seat belt and closing his eyes instead. Finding her would be a bit more difficult than usual, seeing as San Diego had a lot more people than Karakura, but he was so used to her reiatsu by now that he could still find it pretty easily.

"...Dude. Hey. Ee-Chee-Go. Dude. Dude. HEY. Are you –"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP SO I CAN FIND HER REIATSU ALREADY? GODDAMN!" Ichigo shouted, blowing the hair off Neil's face with the force of his yelling.

Ichigo closed his eyes again, only to hear Neil ask, "The hell's reiatsu? I'm tellin' you, dude, lay off the 'shrooms. And weed. That's weed talk, right there. Marijuana. Grass. Pot. Ja –"

"JUST SHUT UP ALREADY! ...Wait...Oh, I found her. _Man_, is she gonna be pissed...take a left up here," Ichigo instructed, and question marks were dinging above Neil's head rather loudly, but he did so anyway.

* * *

_**MEANWHILE**__**...**_

Peyton sighed heavily in frustration, stomping her foot before hanging up and handing the poor guy his phone back. "...Sorry about that. He must have it on silent or something. That giant, orange-headed bastard," she muttered, making the guy sweatdrop.

He ran a hand through his dirty blonde hair before grinning and nodding. "No big deal, at least you helped me fix it. Good luck with that boyfriend of yours. ...You KNOW, if things don't work out –"

"No thank you," she said distractedly, already walking off. He slumped in defeat before continuing on his way, making Peyton wonder why the hell she'd been hit on so much since she got out on the street.

Either Karakura's hotness population had rubbed off on her and made her hotter in the States, or she had a drunk and easy vibe still going on from last night. ...Or everyone had suddenly developed Ichigo Vision, but that was highly unlikely.

Peyton suddenly froze mid-step, screeching to a sudden stop as she realized something: she had no idea where she was.

She was in a city she didn't know head nor tails of without a wallet or cell phone, she was alone for the moment, and she was still vulnerable due to her hangover condition. If she were to be attacked, she could try shocking the person, but she was so exhausted from searching for Ichigo that she couldn't guarantee the shocks being neither powerful nor controllable.

She'd either fry the person to death, which would most definitely attract unwanted attention, or manage to escape a dangerous situation and run about ten feet before passing out.

...And someone chose the moment she realized all this to grab her by the shoulder. Peyton turned around, hoping to God it was Ichigo and she could chew him out for making her nearly have a heart attack AND making her scour all of San Diego for him, but she found herself tilting her head up to look at the burly guy from the other night.

Amidst all the other extremely vague and choppy memories of what had occurred before and after she drank Mike's alcohol, she remembered their encounter with the guys that rode in some sort of van that SCREAMED "Rape Time". She also remembered kicking this guy's ass – or frying it, rather.

He grinned down at her, making her wince. "Remember me?" he asked in that unsettlingly-high-pitched voice of his, and she nodded cheerfully. "I sure do, just barely! I'm just...gonna..." she moved to shock him, but he squeezed her shoulder so hard she felt something pop.

"No you're not. You're gonna keep walking, get in the van over there, and _then_ we're gonna go find your pimp so boss can get his stash. Got it?"

"My pimp? ...Oh, right, er, I mean, YES! MY PIMP!" she declared, making people turn to look at them funny. He squeezed her shoulder again, and she couldn't help but let a tiny noise of pain escape her throat. "You're a loud one."

"You're just now figuring that out? Ow! Stop DOING that, you bastard!" she hissed, moving to clutch her shoulder but getting her hand slapped away.

"Put a cork in it, smartass."

_Put a cork in it? Who the hell says that anymore? Apparently this guy, but still...Okay, Peyton, focus. This could prove to really, **really** suck for you if you let them get you in that van. So as soon as they're about to get you to climb in, suddenly shock them enough to stun 'em a bit and go run for help. Simple. YEAH! Now I just gotta – _

"OOF!"

_**THUD.**_

Peyton gawked at Ichigo as he promptly slung her over his shoulder and ran towards some extremely expensive-looking car. "Finally! What the hell's the _matter_ with you? Don't you remember who those guys are? Jesus, Peyton, you scared the living hell outta me!"

"Ichigo, you're gonna make me puke," she groaned, groaning even louder when he plopped her into the back seat.

"HEY! GET BACK HERE, MOTHERFUCKER, AND HAND OVER THE STASH WHILE YOU'RE AT IT!" the big guy called out, clutching his head as he ran after them. He was now joined by the other goon, and Ichigo slid into the passenger seat of the car quickly.

"Drive, drive, drive!"

"Alright, alright, calm your tits!"

Peyton's eyes widened as they sped off, leaning to the right to see none other than Neil Patrick Harris at the wheel of the car. "...Holy SHIT," she exclaimed, getting the attention of the both of them.

"You have NO IDEA how long I've been _looking_ for you!" Ichigo shouted.

She promptly punched him in the face.

"OW! GODDAMMIT, PEYTON, THAT FUCKING HURT!"

"SERVES YOU RIGHT! I HAD TO PUT UP WITH _SOOOO_ MUCH CRAP WHILE LOOKING FOR YOU, ICHIGO KUROSAKI! I had no phone, no wallet, had to WALK in the HEAT and SUN with a THROBBING HEAD, had guys hitting on me left and right, and NEARLY GOT KIDNAPPED!" she fumed, crossing her arms and glaring at him.

"...You're right. You're right. I'm sorry," he mumbled, holding his nose.

"Damn straight I'm right, and you BETTER be sorry. ...The hell're you snickering about, Mr. Harris? From what what's-her-face told me, you said something to Ichigo that made him think of Karin and Yuzu, so obviously _you_ ain't so innocent in this, either," she informed him, her accent getting thicker and thicker as she attempted to calm down.

Both of them hung their heads. "Sorry, Peyton..."

"NEIL, DRIVE!" she and Ichigo shouted as they drifted into the other lane of traffic, and he immediately swerved into the correct lane.

Ichigo turned to look at Neil, all three of them breathing heavy from the adrenaline rush. "...NOW will you explain how the hell you know about me and my family?"

"Oh, right. ...Well, I was still trippin' balls at the time – damn 'shrooms – but I was startin' to sober up. I was at the hotel's open bar and buffet, and this guy – your dad – was sitting at the bar next to me. He asked me if I wanted to see his Baby-Making Chart, even though it says Bow-Chika-Wow-Wow Meter CLEARLY on it –"

"Wait, WHAT? MY DAD'S HERE?" Ichigo exclaimed, and Peyton paled. She leaned forward in the seat, glaring over at Neil. "...Surely you're joking."

"Nope. His name's Itch-Shin, right?"

"Isshin."

"Close enough, Ee-Chee-Go, get over it."

"It's Ichigo! ICHIGO! Even PEYTON said my name right, the very first time she heard it too! Goddamn Americans..."

Peyton patted his shoulder. "Calm down, Ichigo, I'm more awesome than your average American."

"More awesome than me?" Neil asked dubiously.

"Well, you're not the _average_ _American_, now, _are_ you?"

"...Touche. I like you."

"Really?" she exclaimed, and Ichigo's temple throbbed at the fangirl squeal she tried to repress.

"Really," Neil confirmed.

"CAN YOU JUST EXPLAIN WHERE THE HELL MY DAD RAN OFF TO?" Ichigo shouted, making the other two jump.

"...I dunno, he left a good hour before I went to the strip club. Mentioned something about souvenirs for Careen and Yoo-Zoo?"

"Karin and Yuzu. KARIN AND YUZU. GODDAMMIT, OUR NAMES AREN'T THAT HARD! KARIN, YUZU, ICHIGO, ISSHIN."

"Ichigo, cool your jets," Peyton muttered, clutching her head. "You're making my hangover worse, and it was _just_ starting to go away...!"

"..."

"..."

"...Hey, Peyton, if you want something to calm you down, in the back seat next to you's some –"

"Neil, she's NOT eating your 'shrooms?"

"B-But Ichigo, I love mushrooms!"

"Not those kind of mushrooms, idiot!"

"I'M the idiot? Coming from the one who downed over fifty marijuana brownie cupcakes?"

"S-Shut up, it was an honest mistake!"

"Of sheer dumbassery!"

"CHILDREN! ...You're upsetting the 'shrooms with your negative vibes. Chill."

Both teens sweatdropped, staring at Neil. "...Are you high?"

"If I was high, I'd be humping anything that moves right now. Your girlfriend included, probably."

"Not if I can help it!" Peyton shouted indignantly at the same time Ichigo shouted "Oh HELL NO, don't even THINK about it!"

"I'm not saying I'm going to RIGHT NOW, I'm just saying...if I was high...I'd totally fuck her by mistake."

"How the hell do you have sex with someone by mistake?" Peyton wondered, and Ichigo just sighed and shook his head, slumping in his seat.

"Neil, can you PLEASE just get us back to the hotel before we get into even DEEPER shit?"

"I got a better idea, let's go to Waffle House."

"What? No way!"

Peyton started bouncing in her seat. "WHOO-HOO! WAFFLE HOUSE! C'MOOOON, ICHIGO, LET'S GO TO WAFFLE HOUSE!"

"Remember how sucky the LAST Waffle House we went to was?"

"...We went to a Waffle House?"

"Yeah, right before I – ...nevermind. I forgot you got so drunk last night," he muttered quietly.

They sat there in silence for a while, and she tried to ignore the sudden tense vibe she was getting from Ichigo by trying to remember what all really happened that night. All she remembered was Mike Ness's beer, the Rapist Van guys, and getting thrown off the bed thanks to that stupid damn horror movie. And even that much was so blurry and foggy in her head right now that it was a miracle she was able to figure out what the hell she was remembering.

Neil must've sensed the tenseness too, because he didn't speak for a long time. Eventually, though, he broke the silence.

"...Does anyone know where a Waffle House is around here?"

"THE HELL WE'D KNOW!" they shouted in unison, making him jump.

"...Just a question."

"...Ichigo?"

"Huh."

"I'm sorry I got so hammered."

"S'not your fault, you WOULD look in the paper bag that looked so obviously like alcohol and not put two and two together...Not to mention you're so insanely short that it wouldn't take much to get you drunk..."

Her temple throbbed majorly at his cracks against her height and stupidity. "I'm glad you said that, because that just reminded me of something."

"What?"

"How bad I wanna kick your ass as soon as we get to Waffle House."


	16. Insult Contest & A Swimming Pool!

**Me: Back again!**

**Ichigo: It's...so...loooooong!**

**Rukia: To be fair, your little insult fight took up a ton of room.**

**Me: Shhh, don't spoil the stupidity! Anyway, we only have, like, two cakes, so this author's note should be pretty short! KOOOOON!**

**Kon: COMING, MISTRESS MANDYYY! (Wheels in Cake Number One, from The Layman. It's a three-stack of Belgian waffles, topped with whipped cream and maple syrup. He also gave gifts: for Rukia, a Chappy pez dispenser with a bag of refills. For Carmen, Bruce Springsteen's bandana. For Kon, an economy size bottle of Gatorade so he can keep hauling out all this cakes. And for Ichigo, a copy of Dr. Horrible's sing along blog.)**

**Me: GAH! I never did get to watch Dr. Horrible! I wanted to ever since I heard about it, though...I think I'll look it up after I post this chapp.**

**Kon: YESYESYES! Thank you so much! (Guzzles down Gatorade)**

**Carmen: ...Wait...He's a stuffed lion. How can he drink liquid?**

**Me: It's the Bleach world, don't try to make logic apply, Carmen.**

**Ichigo: Yeah. For crying out loud, there was a bad guy with a spoon-slash-spork for a collar, and we have a guy with a toilet seat for a hat!**

**Rukia: Ichigo, who the hell're you talking about?**

**Ichigo: Nnoitra and Mayuri, dumbass.**

**Everyone: O_O ...**

**Me: ...HAHAHAHA! THAT'S SO RIGHT IT HURTS!**

**Ichigo: (Grins) I try.**

**Me: O-On with the cakes! Hahaha...ahhh, that was good. **

**Kon: RIGHT! (Wheels in Cake Number Two, from ShatterTheHeavens. It's got Peyton going demonic & strangling Ichigo [whose face is spazzy and funny-looking] with black flames in the background while having her angel side - all fuzzy & 'sacred' - worshiping a Harris-idol)**

**Me: ...I really, REALLY like the cakes these people come up with.**

**Ichigo: I'm so glad one of us does. ...On the plus side, they taste really fucking good. **

**Me: Exactly!**

**Rukia: ...Can we just get on with the chapter now? Before you start rambling?**

**Me: Oh. Right. Anyway, remember, any questions can be PM'd or reviewed to me. If I get a bunch, I might do a little Q&A Session after this side-story's officially finished. Until the next update, which'll probably be within the next 24 hours if I keep up my pattern, read -**

**Carmen/Ichigo: (mouths full of cake) SPAM THE SHIT OUTTA THE REVIEW BUTTON - **

**Rukia/Kon: (stretch arms out) AND ENJOOOOOY!**

**Rukia: (punts Kon across the room) THAT'S MY LINE!**

**Kon: RUKIAAAAA NII-CHAN! WHYYYY! **

* * *

Peyton resisted the urge to roll her eyes as Ichigo poked her shoulder. The car had come to a stop, but she was still laying stretched across the back seat, one arm wrapped tightly around her stomach and the other draped across her eyes to make everything as dark as she could.

"Peyton? ...Hey, Peyton."

"What," she mumbled.

"We're at Waffle House, we finally found one."

She shot up immediately, almost hitting Ichigo in the face and causing him to stumble backwards and lose his balance trying to dodge her.

"WE ARE?"

"Jeez, Peyton! Watch it," he grumbled as she staggered onto the sidewalk, wrapping an arm around her waist and supporting her weight.

"Ichigo?"

"Hm."

"Don't think you're off the hook just 'cause you're helping me. You're still in deep shit with me."

"I figured."

"Your only hope is that they're still serving waffles at the hotel when we get back, so I can compare them to the Waffle House waffles," she commented, temple throbbing when he gulped.

"...They're _not_ still serving them, are they," she muttered dully.

"Nope!" Neil said cheerfully, strolling ahead of them. "Stopped serving them ten minutes ago, actually!"

"...Ichigo?"

"Yeah?"

"I hate you."

"I love you too, Peyton."

"Argh, I hate it when people say that when someone says they hate them!"

"That's why I said it," he replied with a smirk. She was about to shoot back some smartass reply when Neil attempted to smack the door and make it dramatically swing open, but ended up nearly breaking his hand when it didn't budge.

"Ahhh!" he hissed, holding his wrist and staring down at his red palm.

"You _pull_ it open, dumbass," Ichigo commented simply as he did just that, pulling Peyton through the door with him.

"But Ichigo, you don't just leave NEIL PATRICK HARRIS standing there looking like an idiot!"

"What're you gonna do, then, Peyton? Smack the door and make _yourself_ look like an idiot with him?"

"Nope. Smack your face into the door and make _you_ look like an idiot with him," she replied cheerfully, planting her feet and refusing to move any further.

He scoffed. "Tch. Yeah? And how you gonna do tha –"

"LIKE THIS!" she shouted as she grabbed his arm, twisted it behind his back, and kicked him in the ass, sending him flying into the door face-first. The door swung back open, and he fell flat on his face on the sidewalk outside.

Neil neatly stepped over him, smiling at Peyton. "...Thank you. The door seemed jammed when I tried to open it."

"Ah, I think Ichigo just fixed it."

"Thanks, Ee-Chee-Go. Oh, hi there. Table for three, unless my friend over there wants to just lay on the floor," he told the hostess behind the podium, who was sweatdropping along with the customers nearest to the door.

Well, the customers who weren't taking pictures. "HO-ly SHITBALLS swinging in the breeze! It's Nee-yuhl Patrick Harris!" a man shouted. Peyton winced at his strong Southern accent, knowing Ichigo would jump on that as soon as he summoned what little dignity he still had and walked over to them.

Sure enough, he growled to himself as he stood and went to stand next to Peyton. "...Friend of yours?" he asked, cocking his head toward the redneck who was now praising Neil's work in the Harold and Kumar movies with an accent only Peyton could have the slightest hope of understanding.

"No, Ichigo, he's not. Just because I'm from the South doesn't mean I know everybody down there."

"...Maybe Neil could use your help as a translator, at the very least."

"Kiss my ass."

"Now now, Peyton, this place is WAAAYY too public for that. I think that's illegal."

She scowled at him in reply, and he just smirked to himself. "...Your dignity restored yet?"

"Peyton, my dignity's been long gone ever since I tripped in the lobby on Nick's pen."

"You did _what_ now?" she asked with a laugh, making him droop.

"Damn, I forgot you weren't there...you didn't hear that."

"Oh, but I did!"

"No you didn't. Your hangover's making you hallucinate."

"But my hangover's pretty much over, Ichigo, minus the huge appetite since I puked everything up...But seriously, you tripped on Nick's pen? Out of the whole huge lobby, you run right over that _pen_? Seriously."

"I think you might be schizophrenic. I didn't trip over a pen."

"If I were schizophrenic, I woulda snapped and gouged your eyes out with a spork by now," she replied, causing a woman to drop her knife in surprise; she'd been gawking at them ever since she made Ichigo faceplant the door.

"...Oh, it's okay, I haven't done it yet," she assured the woman, "and if I haven't done it to him yet, I won't later. ...Maybe."

"If you two're done with your freaky-ass flirting, I'm sure this waitress would love for you to hurry up and sit down," Neil commented before winking at said waitress.

Ichigo and Peyton sweatdropped at that, sweatdropping even further when said waitress giggled rather giddily. They just exchanged a shake of the head before plopping down across from Neil, who handed the waitress his menu and stroked her hand slightly as he let it slowly slide back onto the table.

Peyton rolled her eyes as the waitress giggled even more, and Ichigo tried not to laugh when Peyton cleared her throat rather loudly. "I would LOVE a huge plate of waffles."

"R-Right, and what to drink?"

"...Do ya'll have sweet tea?" she asked, and almost immediately knew that was a mistake.

The waitress couldn't help but snort a laugh, shaking her head. "No, we don't. But you can always sweeten it yourself."

Peyton's temple throbbed as the waitress popped her gum, and Ichigo tried not to laugh at her expression. "...Nah, you gotta make it sweet while it's hot or it's not the same. ...Say, you wouldn't happen to have a spork, ma'am, would ya?"

The laughter slipped out at that one despite Ichigo's efforts, and the lady behind her dropped her silverware again with a noise of surprise. "...Coke. I'll have Coke."

"Coke machine's broken, we got orange juice, coffee, milk, chocolate milk, iced tea, and water," the waitress recited dully, popping her gum again.

"...Water," Peyton replied, eye twitching slightly.

"Comin' right out!" she said cheerfully, writing something down on her notepad with a smirk. Peyton looked to Ichigo, whose laughter slowed. "She's gonna spit in my waffles, isn't she?"

"Probably. The hell possessed you to ask for sweet tea out here?"

"Seth told me they served sweet tea. He lied, obviously...every Southerner knows there's nothing more annoying than being laughed at for asking for sweet tea. Just makes us look ignorant," she grumbled, opening her napkin to get to the silverware.

"_I'll_ take thaaaat," Ichigo said in a sing-song kind of tone, taking away the knife.

"Hey, I need that for the waffles! I'm not five, Ichigo, you can trust me with a knife."

"Oh please, you could cut 'em with your fork."

"Yeah, or I could stab you with the _fork_ instead."

"Not if I counter it with the knife."

"Well, then I'd shock you."

"Then I'd go Soul Reaper and kick your ass before anyone knew what happened."

"What's this about shocking and Soul Reapers?" Neil asked, making them look over at him with "oh SHIT" kind of faces.

"_Noooothing_," they said innocently, smiling their best dazzling smiles.

"Dude, I saved your asses. The least you can do is explain what the hell you two're going on about."

"It's the 'shrooms talkin'," Ichigo commented, and Neil laughed and shook his head.

"You can't fool me, I know my 'shrooms. You aren't even humping everything in sight yet!"

"Yeah, but we're always horny, so it doesn't really affect us," Peyton chimed in, and Ichigo nodded.

"It's true."

Neil looked unconvinced, but waved them off anyway. "Whatever you say."

"...Wait...HOW did you two meet again?" Peyton asked suddenly, making them both look over at her.

"Well, it's hard to explain..."

"What's hard to explain? Your tall-ass boyfriend over there dragged me off the stage in the middle of my performance...I was just about to start my musical number, too."

"Yeah, your performance done LOOKING AND TALKING AND ACTING LIKE MY CREEPER DAD!"

"Aw, c'mon Ichigo, your dad's not creepy," Peyton protested.

He turned to look at her with a huge sweatdrop, noticing how she completely wrote off the rest of that bizarre situation and defended his dad instead. "Peyton, he made a chart before we even started _dating_ that supposedly helps him know when you'll give him, and I quote, 'darling grandchildren with dominantly my darling future daughter-in-law's qualities that outweigh your sucky ones'," he deadpanned, making Neil sweatdrop as well.

"Now that you mention it, the Bow-Chika-Wow-Wow Meter _was_ kinda creepy..."

"See? Neil gets it! Why don't _you_ get it?"

"Be-caaaause, your dad may be...um..._excited about our relationship_, but he's not THAT creepy...I mean, at least he doesn't watch us make out or anything like that..."

"Yeah, I'm sure the only thing stopping him is the knowledge that if he did that we'd probably never make out ever again."

"...Shut up. Your dad's not creepy. End of story."

"I disagree. He's completely creepy."

"No he's not!"

"Yes he is!"

"...Well, maybe in his own little way," she relented. "But I'm still right, and that's all there is to it."

"Whatever you say, Peyton."

"Good."

"Fine."

"Splendid."

"..."

"..."

"...So. I see who wears the not-nearly-tight-enough-for-my-liking pants in you relationship," Neil commented as he took a big gulp of his coffee the waitress brought him, making Ichigo's temple throb as Peyton let out a giggle similar to said waitress' from earlier.

"Aw, shucks," she replied, waving him off.

"Damn redneck."

"Shut up, Ichigo, you...you...damn...giant...JAPANESE BEANPOLE OF A MAN."

"...Really, Peyton? That's all you could come up with? I give you points for originality, but..."

"Oh, there's more where that came from, bastard."

"Are we on the brink of an insult contest here? If so, I'm judging," Neil commented, and the two exchanged a look before nodding determinedly.

"BRING IT, ICHIGO!"

"I WILL, PEYTON!"

"THEN DO IT, JACKASS!"

"I WILL, BITCH!"

"IT'S GO TIME! HIT ME!"

"FINE! ...Peyton, you must have been born on a highway, 'cause that's where most accidents happen."

"Oooh."

"Yeah? Well, Ichigo, your birth certificate's an apology letter from the condom factory!"

"OHHH, you just gonna take that, Ee-Chee-Go?"

"Oh really, Peyton? If you were twice as smart, you'd _still_ be a dumbass!"

"Ohhhh damn."

"REALLY? YOU WANNA GO THERE? Ichigo, I'm sorry I'm not so smart, _you_ must be the arithmetic man: you _add_ trouble, _subtract_ pleasure, _divide_ attention, and _multiply_ ignorance."

"...Now that that's clicked in my brain, that's a serious burn. I love that."

"REALLY, PEYTON? Well, can I borrow your face? My ass is on holiday."

"Ooooh, heading into the physical category now."

"Fine, YOU BROUGHT ME TO THIS. Ichigo, do you still love nature? ...Despite what it did to you? Seriously, learn from your parents' mistakes – get sterilized."

"Ouchhh!"

"Yeah, well, YOU brought me to THIS. You're so ugly that when you were born, the doctor told your parents, 'I'm gonna drop it. If it falls, it's a rat, if it flies, it's a bat'."

"Ohhhh SHIT, original and still stings! Whatchya gonna say to _that_, Peyton?"

"I'mma say this: Ichigo, it looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork."

"Shit, son, you gonna take that?"

"I sure as hell am _not_! I heard that your momma wanted someone to take care of you when you were little, but the mafia wanted too much."

"OHHHH!"

"Oh really? Ichigo, ever since I've seen you on your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down."

"Nice one!"

"Yeah? Peyton, you're so ugly that when yo momma dropped you off to school, she got fined for littering!"

"Hoooo shit, that was good."

"YEAH? Well, Ichigo, you're so ugly that even _Hello Kitty_ said goodbye to _you_!"

"...Huh, I actually like that one."

"YEAH? Peyton, yo momma so fat that when she jumped in the ocean, the whales started singing 'We Are Family'!"

"DAAAAAMN."

"OH? Ichigo, yo momma so fat she has to wear two watches 'cause she takes up two different time zones!"

"This is getting good!"

"YEAH? Hey, Peyton, yo momma called me. She said for you to get her a loaf of bread, bag of milk...oh, and some condoms. So she and your dad don't make the same mistake twice."

"Ohhhh DAMN, I'll have to remember that one. It's witty enough for me."

"You really wanna go there, Ichigo?"

"Yep. Why, you outta ideas?"

"HELL NO! Ichigo, you're so stupid that you got fired from the M&M Factory for throwing out all the 'W's!"

"Heheheh...I get it!"

"YEAH? Your family tree's like a cactus: everybody on it's a prick."

"Ohhhh no he didn't."

"OH? Speaking of trees, it looks like you fell outta the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. And then you were dragged through dumbass forest!"

"Hahaha! Ichigo, your go."

"Oh? Fuck it, I'm goin' back to yo momma jokes. PEYTON, YO MOMMA SO FAT...that when she got on the scale at the doctor's office, he looked down at it and went 'Oh, that's my phone number'!"

"Daaaaamn!"

"YEAH? ICHIGO, YO MOMMA SO FAT...that she's got more chins than a Chinese phonebook!"

"BAM! You just got burned. Ichigo?"

"PEYTON, YO MOMMA SO UGLY...she turned Medusa into stone!"

"Nice one."

"ICHIGO, YO MOMMA SO UGLY...well...she's just GOTTA be yo momma!"

"Ahhhh, I'm using that one too! So simple, yet funny as hell..."

"You're so ugly that when you were born, the doctors didn't know whether to put you in a cradle or cage!"

"You just gonna take that, Peyton?"

"HELLZ NO! Ichigo, I'd love to see things from _your_ point of view for once, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass!"

"OHHHHH..._Shit_, that's good!"

"Keep talking, one day you'll say something intelligent, Peyton."

"Ooooh..."

"Yeah? Ichigo, I'll never forget the first time we met – but don't worry, I'll keep trying."

"_Damn_...This is getting personal!"

"Peyton, you're so lucky to be born beautiful. Unlike me, who was born a big liar."

"Ahahaha!"

"YEAH? Ichigo, some people say you're not fit to sleep with the pigs. I stuck up for the pigs."

"Oink-oink, motherfucker, oink...OINK."

That made them both sweatdrop, and Neil shrugged. "_I_ thought it was good. ...Oh, please continue."

"Fine. Peyton, you have a ton of well-wishers. They'd all like to throw you down one."

"_Nice_ comeback!"

"Yeah? Ichigo, don't you have a terrible empty feeling – in your skull?"

"Haven't heard that one before."

"Peyton, did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?"

"Ooooh, ouch."

"Yep. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Ichigo Kurosaki! Better at sex than anyone! ...Now he just needs to try it with a partner."

"OWWWW, that burns me on your behalf!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, meet Peyton Cullen! The kind of girl you'd use as a blueprint to build an idiot! I would NOT allow her to reproduce. In fact, has the shelter gotten around to spaying you yet?"

"Oooh, right in the ovaries."

"Funny, Ichigo, coming from you. I mean, seriously. It's impossible for me to believe that out of the _thouuuusands_ of sperm that were in the race, YOU were the fastest."

"Huh. Right in the balls. Ha!"

"Peyton, you're not worth the condom that shoulda been used to prevent your life."

"Ouch! Man, this is getting serious."

"Ichigo, why don't you just go drown in wet cement?"

"I will if you go die in a fire, Peyton!"

"YOU'RE ABOUT AS APPEALING AS A POOP-FLAVORED LOLLIPOP!"

"Don't make me put my foot up your ass!"

"You...you...CUNTNUT!"

"..."

"...Ichigo? Got anything to say to that?"

"...Oh. You want my comeback? Then why don't you go wipe it off your mom's FACE!"

At that one, the whole Waffle House went "OHHHH!", and Peyton started laughing uncontrollably.

"Ahahahaha! That wins! Ichigo, you win, you win, I can't top that."

"Took you long enough," the waitress grumbled before plopping their heaping plates of waffles in front of them; the thuds made all three jump.

"Thanks, ma'am," Peyton got out between laughs before stabbing a waffle with her fork. "...Hey. Ichigo?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you. You have the best comebacks ever."

"I know I do, but don't worry, you come in very close second."

"Please don't make me throw up on my waffles," Neil deadpanned as she kissed him on the cheek.

* * *

_**LATER****...**_

"Thanks for the waffles," Peyton said cheerfully as they headed from Neil's car to the hotel's entrance.

"My pleasure. Thanks for the show."

"Pleasure was all mine," she replied in a tone that made Ichigo's temple throb.

"Hey, remember me? Yeah, I'm your boyfriend. You know, the one who's turning seventeen in two days."

"Oh, hey there."

"Yeah, hi." His jaw dropped as she headed for the elevator without a second thought, running ahead of him. "Hey, where're _you_ going?"

"Up to the room to change!"

"Change? ...For what?"

"This is the first time during the whole trip that I can relax! No druggies, no high boyfriends, no celebrities in some sort of mortal peril...I'm goin' to the pool."

"B-But Peyton, we gotta find my dad!"

"I'm sure he'll find me if I stay in one spot. That spot being the pool."

"But Peyton...! My dad. Is. In. America. WITH US. IN THE SAME AREA. This is dangerous!"

Peyton sighed heavily, cocking her hip to one side and planting a hand on the elevator's door. "Ichigo, you comin' or not?"

Though it killed him to miss out on an opportunity to see her in a bathing suit for the first time since Disney World, he shook his head. "Naaaahh, I'm gonna look for Dad," he replied, the groan still in his voice.

She huffed and let the elevator doors shut. "Fine. You know where to find me!"

Neil shook his head slowly as Ichigo continued to gape at the elevator, standing up a little on his tip-toes to pat Ichigo's shoulder. "You, my freakishly tall friend, are a bona fide dumbass. Congratulations."

"Shut up, Neil. ...What're you gonna do now?"

"...The show must go on, Ee-Chee-Go," he replied, putting his sunglasses on despite the fact that they were inside.

Ichigo sweatdropped as people swarmed around Harris, taking pictures. "...Good luck with that. See ya around, Harris."

"Of course you will, Curry-Socky."

"Kurosaki. KUROSAKI."

"Close enough."

* * *

Peyton moped her way up to her room, stomping and everything. "That orange-headed bastard...hasn't he caught on by now that his dad always finds us at the least-convenient times to screw us over? I blame this all on those waffles...everyone knows Waffle House is only good late at night when you're too tired and stupid to know any better. They probably messed up his thought processes or something..."

She growled to herself as she unlocked the door and swung it open, suddenly smirking to herself. "...Well. I'm wearing the hottest bikini in my arsenal, and he can't say a word."

The bikini itself was simple – deep green halter top with random doodles on the top and bottoms – but the cut that wasn't low enough to reveal too much cleavage and the boyshorts-type bottoms that hugged what little curves she was starting to get and part of the thighs she was so proud of? Yeah, that'd do it.

"Note to self: take a picture later and send it to your dumbass of a boyfriend for kicks and giggles."

She grabbed her phone and iPod (and room key, of course) before dashing for the elevator, slipping her hoodie on as she went.

The last thing she needed was more crappy pick-up lines thrown her way.

Peyton waved cheerfully to Nick as he boarded the elevator as well, biting her lip to keep from smirking when he gawked at what little glimpse of her he got as she zipped her hoodie up; he tried to hit the elevator's lobby button while doing so and missed twice.

"Where're you going?" she asked. He mimed a drink with his hand, and she nodded.

"Ahhh, sneaking into the bar. ...Where's Mike?"

He then mimed some poor guy puking his guts out, and she shuddered. "Ugh, know the feeling...poor Mike."

He shook his head before scribbling something down:

"**Naaahh, he's used 2 it by now. He calls himself a pro at hangovrs. Spent all mornin stockin up for it.**"

"Ohhh, okay."

He then added another note:

"**Wheres Ichigo? Werent u gonna kick his ass?**"

"Trust me, slamming him into the Waffle House door was punishment enough. He's off trying to find his dad while I hang at the pool. That stupid bastard..."

Nick nodded in agreement, and they waved bye to each other before going in completely opposite directions in the lobby.

* * *

_**FIVE ****HOURS LATER...**_

Ichigo sighed heavily, leaning against a wall and shaking his head. He had searched the whole hotel and surrounding blocks, and now he was back in the lobby. "Unbelievable. Un..._fricking_...believable. The one time I actually _want_ to find him, and he's nowhere to be seen. I could be eating right now. I could be ASLEEP right now. I could be...be...wait. Is Peyton still at the pool?"

Ichigo tapped his fingers against the wall thoughtfully. "She had a point...Dad would definitely find US instead of us finding HIM...and I haven't swam in a long time...and I'm sure she's wearing a really hot bikini just 'cause I'm not there, and she'll probably send me a picture just to piss me off if I don't go down there...On the other hand, going to the pool means I run the risk of Dad showing up when we're doing something incredibly hot...I mean, the last time we were in a pool, look how THAT ended up. At the same time –"

"GO, Ee-Chee-Go!" Neil shouted from the stage, making everyone turn to look at him as the celebrity stretched a hand slowly towards him.

Ichigo sweatdropped. "...Um...What?"

"GO, Ee-Chee-Go! _Gooooo_ to her," he bellowed, lowering his voice rather dramatically and whipping his hair around as if there were wind.

Ichigo was about to shout back to him some smartass reply when his phone vibrated. Sure enough, Peyton had sent him a picture. He'd barely looked at it for two seconds and started running for the pool.

"AH! I MUST HAVE ITCH-SHIN ADD THIS TO HIS BOW-CHIKA-WOW-WOW METER!" he shouted to the crowd, making them laugh for whatever the hell reason.

Ichigo nearly tripped over himself about three times on the way, but eventually made it to the fourth floor rooftop the pool was on. And damn, was the pool massive; the actual pool was pretty huge, but the whole _roof_ looked large with all the little cabanas around it and the bar to his far right.

Not to mention that the sun was going down, so the pool itself was glowing from the lights of what looked like neon around the pool's edges. The neon lights were also coming from the plants' pots and stools by the bar.

There were people scattered around here and there, and the bar was pretty busy, but there was enough sunlight to make it pretty easy to spot Peyton. Mainly because not only were there only three redheads milling around, but she was stretched out on a reclining lounge chair far away from everyone else, iPod laying across her stomach.

As Ichigo got closer, he noticed her hair was much drier than it had looked in the picture – and wavier. He also noticed she looked fast asleep. Dammit. He decided to wake her up and risk her wrath anyway, plopping down in the chair next to her completely horizontal one and propping his feet up on her stomach.

That didn't wake her up, so he started bouncing said feet. When THAT didn't work, he sighed and rolled his eyes before leaning over and tickling the bottom of her feet. She started laughing, then shot straight up with a gasp, signifying she was officially awake.

"I was just resting my eyes, keep the Sprite comin'," she mumbled, rubbing her eyes.

"Do I _look_ like your cabana boy?" he replied, feet still on her stomach. She blinked her eyes open, looking from him to his feet before nodding to herself.

"That explains the smell..."

"My feet don't _smell_!"

"Tell my nose that."

"Changing the subject now, how can you be asleep when you sent me a picture less than three minutes ago? I mean, I know you can fall asleep faster than anyone I know, but..."

She furrowed her brows at him. "Picture? ...Ichigo, I sent that a good couple hours ago. Say, what time is it?"

"Almost seven, I think."

"...Make that four hours ago."

"How the hell did I just get it then?"

"I told you to switch to AT&T, but nooo, you don't listen to me!"

"We've been over this, you _know_ I don't like Luke Wilson, so why would I buy something advertised by him?"

"Ichigo, the commercials with Luke Wilson in them barely even _show_ anymore! If at all!"

"...But he _still_ advertised for it."

Peyton just rolled her eyes and shook her head, flipping over on her stomach and resting her head on her folded arms so she could still be looking at him. "Whatever you say. ...Hey, why're you laughing?" she demanded to know, temple throbbing as he pointed at her.

"Your stomach! You have a tan mark from the iPod and the earphones!"

"...Oh, kiss my ass," she grumbled, putting her iPod underneath her hoodie under the chair dejectedly. "Oh, that reminds me, did you find Isshin?"

He stopped laughing almost immediately, shaking his head. "No. Not even a sign of his presence. Y'know, like babies crying or women running around scared."

Peyton sweatdropped. "Your dad's pretty good with babies, y'know. It's 'cause he's so goofy."

"Goofy? That's _one_ word for it..."

She grinned. "You can try and convince yourself otherwise all you want, but you and I both know that if your dad stopped acting like he does for a whole week, it'd be hell on earth. You'd absolutely hate it."

He sweatdropped at that. "Oh, yeah. I'd hate for him to _not_ try to assault me in the morning to wake me up, or to _not_ keep asking me if you're pregnant yet."

Her temple throbbed at the last part, but then she smiled and shrugged. "Whatever, you know I'm right. Isshin ain't Isshin without doing crazy shit."

"I can't argue with that," he replied with a sigh, making her chuckle to herself and close her eyes again.

"Hey, don't you doze off on me, I just got up here."

"I'm not _dozing_," she replied defensively, though her suddenly slower way of speaking told him she was working on it.

"I'll leave you out here to get a sunburn if you doze off."

"Ichigo, the sun's going down."

"Alright, I'll leave you out here to get a _moonburn_."

"Oh, please, noooo! Not the _moonburn_!" she wailed dramatically.

"Ohhh yes, the _moonburn_! And there's nothing you can do about it!"

She sweatdropped at his maniacal tone, opening one eye as she smirked at him. "Jeez, Ichigo. Next thing you know, you're gonna tie me to the railroad tracks to try and get me to marry you or something while twirling your evil curly mustache and adjusting your tophat."

His slight wince when she mentioned getting her to marry him didn't go by her unnoticed, and she peered up at him. "There, you did it again."

"Did what?"

"Tense up. You've done that twice today: when I didn't remember going to the Waffle House, and just now when I mentioned getting me to marry you. What's that all about?"

He cleared his throat and shook his head, making her sigh and roll her eyes. "It's nothing."

"No, it's something, you're just choosing not to tell me."

"That too."

"So asking any more about it's pointless, eh?"

"That's right."

"Fine," she grumbled with a huff, closing both eyes again. "But don't think I'm dropping this, Kurosaki."

"You never drop anything."

"Exactly right."

"Well, except for anything you're carrying..."

She promptly threw her bottle of suntan lotion at him without opening her eyes, smirking with satisfaction when it hit something. "OW! What, smacking me upside the head takes too much energy, so you have to recruit the help of a bottle?"

"Yeah."

"Jeez..."

"I love you," she said innocently, making him laugh.

"Yeah, like that's gonna work."

"Worth a shot."

It was quiet for a few moments, so Peyton couldn't help but start to doze off. Of course, she was wide awake again when she felt something cold on her back. "JESUS!" she shouted, jumping a little.

"You're way too jumpy," Ichigo commented, his hands on her back making the cold liquid slowly turn warm.

"Ichigo, the sun's down, I don't need suntan lotion."

"Oh, I know. I'm preventing the moonburn."

"...How nice of you."

"I have my moments."

"Mm," was her articulate reply as he applied pressure, his thumbs and lower half of his palms moving in slow circles across her upper back.

"...Peyton?"

"Mm?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you remember last night, when you got upset and started yelling about Chuck Norris?"

"...Yeah, wasn't that after you threw me off the bed?" she asked, making a noise deep in her throat when he found a knot in her shoulder from where that big guy had squeezed her, slowly working it out with his thumb.

"...Yeah, after that," he grumbled in a tone that made her giggle a little. "Anyway...both then and during the fight we had in the car, you mentioned our relationship being 'all about the sex'," he stated, making her sigh inwardly. "So obviously something's bothering you in the sex department," he continued.

"...I guess so."

"Care to elaborate on that?"

"No."

"If you don't, it'll just get worse," he pointed out in that infuriatingly matter-of-fact tone of his. She would've been annoyed if his hands weren't working their way down her spine and making her feel so relaxed.

"...Well...I'm not sure what to say. I don't know exactly why I'm bothered, I just am."

"It wouldn't have anything to do with faking it lately, would it?" he asked, making her temple throb.

"You're _never_ gonna let that go, are you?"

"No, I'm not. You shouldn't have to do that just to make me happy...or whatever the hell reason you do it."

She sighed exasperatedly, moaning slightly at the end of it when he worked out another knot before moving to her arms. "W-Well, what am I supposed to do? Just turn over and say 'too bad' when you're trying to go for round two?"

"Well, no, but you could just say something instead of going with it! Peyton, you're no pushover, so don't act like one."

"...Okay, _ouch_, but point taken. I just...don't wanna...y'know, leave you hangin'. It doesn't seem fair."

"...Are you sure that's all it it is?"

"Yeah. ...I think."

"Can you think of any _other_ reason?" he asked, his hands moving to her sides and hips.

"Well...I can't really explain why, but...I guess lately I've been thinking that sex is...really the main thing you look forward to with me. Doesn't help that you nagged me like a complete moron for a lot of the trip over it, and the stress that this whole trip in general's been causing doesn't help, either. ...Among the few things I remember from last night? I remember laying there while you were asleep and...and wondering if we didn't have sex, if you would get tired of dealing with me. I wondered if maybe, since I push your buttons so much, that's really the only thing that gets you through the things I do to you. ...Granted, it was probably all the booze talking, but...I still thought it," she murmured, feeling more and more embarrassed the longer she rambled.

And then she felt even worse since as she spoke, she started to feel the way she did last night, making her scared that she had been really feeling like that this whole time and not even realizing it.

It would definitely explain her mood lately.

He didn't say anything for what felt like forever, making her more and more nervous. Finally, his hands left her back as he sat on the ground. She couldn't help but feel a little depressed that he had to prop himself up on his elbow so he could be at eye level with her, it just made her feel even _more_ short than she always did around him.

"Peyton, you listen to me, and don't you dare drink anything out of a paper bag and forget it. There's absolutely nothing in the world that could make me grow tired of you. I mean, you started pushing my buttons within five minutes of meeting you, and you've been doing it ever since. It's who you are; we clash 'cause we're alike and different at the same time. In fact, the more you pissed me off, the more I liked you. Something about you made me go out of my way to try and piss you off, and even when you made me so mad that I thought about running you over, I still felt...I guess I still felt _attracted_ to you. The fact that we have sex doesn't change that, it just makes it stronger. I look forward to everything with you, not just sex. If I didn't, I _definitely_ wouldn't be having this awkward conversation in which I make it clear that once again, I have a soft side. ...And I wouldn't just ignore Renji when he calls me whipped, either."

She grinned at that, and then she simply kissed him on the cheek before standing up and stretching. "Hey, what're you doing?'

She didn't reply, she just jumped into the deep end of the pool. Peyton wasn't all that surprised when he jumped in right as she resurfaced. He grabbed her by the waist as they treaded water, grinning at her. "Does this mean you feel better now? My attempt at taking it like a man and talking about our feelings like you chicks _love_ to do actually worked?"

Peyton rolled her eyes, wriggling out of his grip. "Yes, it worked. ...For the record, I _hate_ talking about my feelings."

"Aw, but it's so fun to watch you get all embarrassed while doing it."

She promptly dunked him underwater, standing on his shoulders triumphantly. "Ah-HA! Neil was right, I DO wear the pants in this – HEY!" she shouted as he knocked her off his shoulders, grabbed her by the waist again, and flipped her into the water.

"NOW who wears the pants?"

"Ohhhh, it's on _now_," she said ominously after coming up coughing and sputtering.

"Bring it!"

"How ya gonna fight without Zangetsu, _huuuh_?"

"The same way you're gonna fight without your _tiiiinglies_," he replied with a smirk, making her eye twitch.

"I _TOLD_ URAHARA TO STOP _CALLING_ THEM THAT!" she fumed, which just made him start laughing. "Ichigo, I hope you're ready for me to kick your ass."

"Whatchya gonna do, try to drown me?"

"Don't tempt me!"

"YEAH? YOU WON'T DO _SHIT_ IF I KICK YOUR ASS FIRST!"

"BRING IT ON!"


	17. A Hostage Situation!

**Me: Back! Shocking, I know. Welp, this is the next-to-last-chapter! After that, I'm adding one more chapter to Dude, and then it'll be complete as well. And then...I guess it's on to the sequel. Wow...**

**Ichigo: ...Can we just hurry up and get on with it.**

**Carmen: Way to ruin the moment. -_-'**

**Rukia: Seriously, Ichigo. **

**Ichigo: Aw, ya'll were all thinking it, I just said it.**

**Everyone: O_O ...Ichigo, did you just say YA'LL?**

**Me: Rather poorly, might I add. (smirking) **

**Rukia: Peyton's rubbing offfff on youuuu!**

**Carmen: That was cute!**

**Ichigo: ...ALL OF YOU, JUST SHUT UP! **

**Kon: Ichigo, you don't say it near as cute as Peyton does. I bet my nii-san could pull it off! (prances towards Rukia with stars in eyes)**

**Rukia: (stomps on him without missing a beat)**

**Me: (pinches bridge of my nose) ...Kon, just wheel in the gifts and cakes already.**

**Kon: Right! (wriggles out from under Rukia's shoe before wheeling in the first set of gifts, from Just That American. Ichigo gets a fresh apple pie, for an early birthday present, since he's in America and all. Rukia gets a Chappy t-shirt)**

**Ichigo: SCORE!**

**Rukia: DOUBLE SCORE! **

**Me: Ichigo, I get a slice of that pie.**

**Ichigo: ...Only if I get a lemon.**

**Me: (tosses him a lemon) Here ya go.**

**Ichigo: NOT THAT KIND OF LEMON!**

**Me: (Snickers) I know that! Alrighty, Kon, NEXT!**

**Kon: RIGHT! (Wheels in Cake Number One and Gift Set Number Two, from The Layman. The cake is an 18" x 24" marble cake with awesomesauce icing. On it is a picture of a pole with a thought bubble coming out from behind it that says "I've got to remember to add this to the Baby Making Chart." And in smaller type it says "As soon as I get it back from Neil...". For Rukia, a piece of fan art of Chappy standing triumphantly over a comatose Hello Kitty. [The caption says "Let's see Bugs top this!"] For Carmen, Paris Hilton's I.Q. test. For Kon, extra stuffing, and for Ichigo, an AT&T Pay-As-You-Go phone)**

**Ichigo: (Stares down at phone, then looks in the readers' general direction) ...I hate you, Layman.**

**Me: On the contrary, I love his gifts and cakes. But that's just me.**

**Carmen: (Still wearing Bruce Springsteen's bandana) I'm taking this RIGHT NOW! (Plops down and pulls out a pencil)**

**Ichigo: ...Where was she keeping that pencil?**

**Me: ...Some things're better left unknown. **

**Rukia: (Stars in eyes) I'm cherishing this for the rest of my life!**

**Ichigo: Whatever, Rukia. Mandy, can we wrap this up now? I know I'm probably getting another gift aimed towards making fun at me or otherwise pissing me off...**

**Me: Well, now that you mention it...KOOOON!**

**Kon: (Wheels in last set of gifts, from cookiesXlove. A trophy for me - "for writing one of the best chapters EVER!" Mini chocolate Chappys for Rukia, a bikini like Peytons in his size for Ichigo, and for Kon: The winter special of Playboy ;). The cake'****s a replica of the pool and it has Peyton standing on Ichigo's shoulders while hes under water with a evil smile.)**

**Ichigo: ...God, I hate these people.**

**Me: Aww, I think it'd look great on you! **

**Rukia: (Snickering) Y-Yeah, Ichigo! It'll really accentuate your manliness!**

**Carmen: (Also snickering) Not to mention make your eyes POP!**

**Ichigo: Carmen, I hope you get found and put in federal prison for the rest of your life.**

**Carmen: (Sniffles and goes back to taking the IQ Test) Fuck you, Ichigo!**

**Ichigo: No thank you.**

**Me: (Sigh and shake of the head) Well, guess that's it. Read, **

**Kon: WAAAAIT! WE GOT ONE MORE! (Wheels in Gift Set Number Three, from ShatterTheHeavens. Peyton gets one of those police tazers, Ichigo gets a Jeff Dunham tape: see if he can figure out more jokes. Rukia gets a giant plush Chappie doll that says "I love you!". And Isshin gets a special, custom-made photo album for his 'future family'.)**

**Ichigo: (Caresses tape) ...Okay, I like them a little more now.**

**Me: Go figure. Peyton's gonna really enjoy this...**

**Everyone: (Shudders)**

**Ichigo: That thought's almost scarier than Rukia sleeping with that doll and accidentally making it go off when she rolls over...Jeez, I hope it happens when Peyton's NOT staying the night...**

**Everyone: (More shudders)**

**Rukia: CHAPPY'S NOT BAD, HE'S JUST MISUNDERSTOOD! (Le sob)**

**Me: ...Yeah, keep telling yourself that. Well...Read - **

**Carmen/Ichigo/Kon: REVIEW FOR ALL YOU'RE WORTH, THE STORY'S ALMOST OVER FOR PETE'S SAKES!**

**Rukia: AND, OF COURSE, ENJOOOOOY! :D**

* * *

"Give up yet?" Ichigo asked, grinning smugly at Peyton's heavy panting.

"H-Hell no!" she managed to get out, moving to dunk him underwater.

"We've been at this for almost an hour now," Ichigo said simply as he swam just out of her reach, making her blink in surprise as he appeared behind her. "You're getting _sloooow_," he teased in her ear, prompting her to kick off his stomach and swim out of _his_ reach.

When she came back up, he was laughing and rubbing his stomach. "You're getting soft, too, that barely hurt that time," he continued to tease, making her growl a little.

"_I_ wear the pants in this relationship, Ichigo Kurosaki," she said simply.

He made a face as if he were considering it, then shook his head with a smirk. "Nah, I'm pretty sure I do."

"_I_ DO! NEIL SAID SO, THAT MEANS IT'S _LAW_!"

"Hardly! Now, if CHUCK NORRIS said it, that'd be different."

"...Touche. But still, I _totally_ wear the pants!" she insisted as he appeared right in front of her. Damn Soul Reapers and their flash-stepping.

Technically speaking, was it flash-stepping if he was in the water? Wouldn't it be flash-_swimming_?

"I disagree. I'm pretty sure _I_ wear the pants, Peyton."

"And what makes you say that? I could kick your ass _any_ day," she declared triumphantly, ducking out of his way when he tried to dunk her and kicking his arm away when he then tried to grab her.

That made him laugh again, which just made her more pissed.

"Because. Even if you kick my ass, I could still get you to do anything I wanted pretty easily...if I wanted to, anyway."

She rolled her eyes. "No offense, Ichigo, but if I can handle the Iga Clan's methods of torture, I'm pretty damn sure I could handle _yours_."

"Oh _really_?" he asked, and she gulped at his "We'll See About THAT" kind of tone.

"R-Really!"

"Let's test that theory," he commented as he picked her up honeymoon style. She made a noise of surprise before starting to struggle.

"Hey, put me down! Throw me in the water again and I might get brain damage!"

"Who said anything about_ throwing you_?" Ichigo replied, his tone getting more and more sinister as he grabbed her foot. Her eyes widened as his gripped tightened around her toes. "...You wouldn't."

"Oh, I would."

"C'mon, Ichigo, not my toes!" she whined, trying to kick him in the face.

"Say it. Say I wear the pants."

"_NEVER_! AHHHH, NOT MY TOES!" she shouted as he started to pull on them.

"Say it, Peyton!"

"No way!"

"Fine, I'm popping your toes _one by one_ until you do."

"NONONONONOOOO!"

"Ohhhh YES! Here we go, let's start with your big toe, shall we?"

She tried again to kick him in the face, noting bitterly that had they not been surrounded by water, he'd be burnt to a crisp right now and twitching from the volts of "tinglies" she'd send coursing through him.

"Ichigo, so help me, if you pop my toe...!"

"You'll do what, kick me to death?" he deadpanned as she swung at his head; he dodged it with ease.

"No, I'll make you sleep on the floor!"

"Like you don't do that anyway!"

"Not normally!"

"You do whenever you get pissed at me!"

"...WELL, this'll be another one of those times if you don't release my toe!"

He just rolled his eyes and started pulling her toe again, and she let out a scream before it even popped.

"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I'LL SAY IT!"

"..."

"..."

"...I'm waiting," he finally said, the smug tone making her scowl.

"Let go of my toe first, and THEN I'll say it."

"But then you'll just get away!"

"No I won't, I know you'd just grab me again."

"...Point. Finally, you use common sense!" He let go of her toe, and she grinned at him before kicking him in the face and swimming to the other end of the pool.

"HA! SHOULDA KNOWN I'D NEVER USE COMMON SENSE, YOU JACKASS!"

"PEYTON, GODDAMMIT, MY FACE WAS STILL SORE FROM THE WHOLE WAFFLE HOUSE THING!"

"NOT MY PROBLEM!"

Of course, he flash-stepped-slash-swam his way over to her while she was laughing, and she rolled her eyes. "I'm not gonna say it. It's been over an hour, just give it up. _I wear the pants_."

"I could still persuade you," he said defensively, and she sweatdropped.

"How the hell do you figure that? I just got outta the best torture tactic you had in your arsenal!"

"Well, who said the only plan I had was torture?" he retorted, making her furrow her brows at him.

"...I don't get it."

He sweatdropped, inching even closer. "Really? Well, let's review. We're the only ones left up here since our I Wear The Pants War chased everyone else off, we know for a fact how hot kissing in a pool is compared to dry land, I've got you inching closer and closer to that wall behind you..." He let himself trail off as she glanced back at said wall, a smirk slowly finding its way onto her face and mirroring his own.

"...Oh. Ohhhh, _I_ get it."

"Took you long enough," he deadpanned with a sweatdrop, making her temple throb.

"Hey, don't judge me! It's not like I got a ton of sleep these past few days..."

"No, you're always this oblivious. For example, HOW long did it take for you to realize I was practically dying to ask you out in Disney World?"

"...Shut up," was her articulate and completely mature reply, and he rolled his eyes.

"I'm taking that as code for 'Yes, Ichigo, you're completely right –"

"ACTUALLY, it's code for 'Jackass, stop nagging me and let's get to making out already'," she interrupted, pulling him to her by his neck and kissing him.

* * *

No more than two minutes had passed when they suddenly heard from behind Peyton, "GOD, you guys are weird..."

Both of them jumped, temples throbbing. "NEIL, GO AWAY!"

"No can do, I've got good news...and bad news," he announced, making Peyton's slight growling at being interrupted die down.

"...Huh? What's the good news?" she asked, unwrapping her legs from around Ichigo's hips and turning to look at him full-on. Which, of course, just made Ichigo even more pissed than _she_ had been as he huffed and leaned against the side of the pool to look at Neil as well.

"Well, the _good news_ is that I found Itch-Shin."

"ISSHIN, goddammit, ISSHIN! ...Wait, how's that good news? What the HELL's the bad news?" Ichigo asked with slight fear.

"The bad news being that the druggies are...kinda holding him hostage in a van right now."

"WHAT?" they shouted, jumping out of the pool. Peyton ran to grab her hoodie and iPod, and Ichigo grabbed Neil by his jacket. "So help me, if you're making this up...!"

"Would I make something like that up, man? ...Don't answer that."

"HOW THE _HELL_ DID THIS HAPPEN? ONE MINUTE HE'S HARDER TO FIND THAN WALDO, THE NEXT HE'S BEING HELD HOSTAGE IN SOME RAPIST VAN?" Peyton demanded, hands on her hips as she stomped over to the two.

Neil gave her the old once-over, nodding in approval. "Can't wait to see you running in that bikini."

Ichigo's eye twitched, and Peyton turned bright red before slipping on her hoodie and zipping it up practically to her neck. "Neil, I don't care how awesome we both think you are, say something else about my girlfriend and her smokin' hot body and I _will_ kick your ass into next Tuesday."

That just made her turn even more red, much to Neil's amusement. "Fine, whatever. I'm just sayin', man..."

"Can we PLEASE just focus on RESCUING ISSHIN NOW?" she shouted, making them both jump.

"Okay, okay, fine!" they said in unison, running for the elevator.

"...Wait...Neil, were you standing there the whole time?" Peyton wondered, pressing the elevator's lobby button with much more force than necessary.

"Yeah, ever since he tried to pop your toes."

"AND YOU JUST _STOOD THERE_ WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING _SOONER_?" they screeched, causing the family of four who had been about to get on once they reached the third floor to run down the hall for the other elevator.

"...Yeah."

"THE HELL, man, this is my DAD we're talking about!" Ichigo shouted, the veins popping out in his neck momentarily.

Neil shrugged. "I felt like interrupting you at the worst time possible, so I waited until you guys started making out. I figured when you were about to grab her ass was as good a time as any."

Peyton's temple throbbed. "So THAT'S why your hand was running down my back. It tickled..."

Ichigo sweatdropped. "Good to know I have a knack for turning you on," he grumbled sarcastically, making her roll her eyes.

"Jesus, Ichigo. I'm sure squeezing my ass woulda turned me on, _there_, you happy?" she snapped, starting to turn red again.

"Not really, I'm starting to feel nauseous," Neil replied, making both their temples throb.

"SHUT UP, NEIL!"

* * *

Once they got downstairs, Neil took off for the exit, and they sped after him. "THIS WAY!"

"Hey, where're you guys goin'?" Mike asked, ice pack against his head as he trudged through the lobby.

"No time to explain!" they shouted, not even giving him a second glance.

"...Well, goddamn, way to be friendly," he grumbled, making Peyton sweatdrop.

"Mike Ness...I didn't peg him as the emotional type."

"No one did, Peyton. No one did. It's like pegging Edward Cullen as straight." As if on cue, a rather sparkly (not to mention scantily-clad) Robert Pattinson ran by them once they got outside the hotel, making their eyes widen and jaws drop.

"Come back here, you!" he shouted in a playful-slash-seductive tone that would put Matsumoto to shame, apparently chasing after some midget man that looked strangely like Verne Troyer.

"GET AWAY FROM ME, CULLEN!"

"I suck more than jugular veins! ...For _you_, I'll do it for _free_!" he shouted, practically prancing after him.

"...It's like Pepe Le Pew gone horribly..._horribly_ wrong," Ichigo commented dully, both of them feeling traumatized beyond repair. "I could see everything in that silver speedo he was wearing...He's so...so pale..." he continued.

Peyton shook her head slowly. "I'm ashamed to have the same last name as that freak show."

They both flinched as they heard someone popping their knuckles behind them. "Let's go see the boss. ...That is, if you wanna see your pops alive," the big guy told Ichigo.

They both nodded quickly, walking across the parking lot to the Rapist Van. "Get your hands off me," Ichigo snapped with a scowl, smacking away the hand that the big guy had planted on his shoulder.

Upon reaching the van, the back doors of said van were kicked open by Isshin's feet, and he beamed at them. "AH! HERE THEY ARE NOW! MY SON AND PRESUMABLY VERY FERTILE FUTURE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW!"

Peyton's temple throbbed. "The hell makes you think I'm 'fertile', old man?"

His grin grew, while Ichigo seemed amused by the fact that she called used his own nickname for his father. "Ahh, I'm a _doctor_, darling daughter! I can tell these things, you know! I just had _Kon_ go collect the _research_!"

"...WHAT?" they both shouted, temples throbbing.

"Still think he's not creepy?" Ichigo asked, smirking despite how creeped out he was himself.

"Shut up, Ichigo."

"LOOK, can we skip this dumbassery and get to the douchebaggery?" the boss shouted, making them all turn to look at him. He walked towards them from inside the depths of the Rapist Van, hands on his hips. "I want my stash, you asshole. The whore was one thing, I can get those anywhere, but you still haven't got my _stash_! It's now or never..."

He paused to take a breath, staring at them all in turn.

"Neil, you owe me for that shit-covered autographed picture, too. I want my stash, eight hundred dollars, half a pound of 'shrooms to compensate for the ones I lent Mr. Harris, and an autographed picture of Harris playing Doogie Howser. I want it all in a briefcase, delivered by your whore over there. She'll be extra compensation. I want the whore with the briefcase at 111 West Harbor Drive, that's the Convention Center, at _exactly_ noon tomorrow. If you, Harris, and the whore don't fuck it up, I'll let your pops loose. Tell the cops or forget _any_ of my shit, and pops gets his brains blown out. Got it?"

They nodded slowly, and Isshin just grinned. "See you two tomorrow! Remember, son, it's _very_ easy to take off protection at the last second, I pulled that trick on my dear Masaki _numerous_ times in order to get your sisters! She'll be feeling too much pleasure to notice!" he said cheerfully, and Ichigo held Peyton back with a templethrob as she attempted to kick him in the face.

"SAY THAT AGAIN?"

"HEY!" the boss shouted, making her freeze. Burly guy had a gun pointed at her and Ichigo, while the boss had his gun pointed sideways at Isshin's head. "Oh shit, killshot! Killshot!" Peyton shouted, making Ichigo sweatdrop.

"Well, Peyton, that's a nice thought."

"No more stupid shit from you two, got it? Or pops gets it now! ...Remember, noon tomorrow."

And with that, the van was slammed shut after burly guy hopped into it, and they were speeding out of the parking lot and into traffic.

The three sighed, and Mike suddenly staggered over to stand next to Ichigo. "...What the hell just happened?"

"Call the police," Ichigo instructed, and Peyton smacked him upside the head.

"Ow!"

"ARE YOU NUTS? You NEVER call the police! He even SAID he'd kill Isshin if we called them!"

"Then whadda YOU suggest we do?"

"Ain't it obvious? We kick their asses at the Convention Center. Duh."

"...Why didn't you kick their asses just _now_, if it's so easy?"

"Dumbass, if I'd done something then, they woulda shot him! Even if they _didn't_ have reflexes as good as ours, or were just bluffing about shooting him in the first place, reflex would still make them pull the triggers. ...This'll be a piece of cake," she assured him, squeezing his hand as Mike sighed and put his cell phone away.

Neil frowned to himself. "I had just been about to give him the Bow-Chika-Wow-Wow Meter back, too..."

Ichigo turned to scowl at him. "So YOU'RE the reason they found him? You were with him when they took him?"

"Actually, yeah. They cornered us at the bar and told me to come after you guys or they were gonna blow Itch-Shin's brains out."

"FOR THE LAST TIME, HIS NAME'S ISSHIN! FUCKING ISSHIN! IS THAT REALLY SO HARD?"

"Ichigo, stop yelling. The last thing we need is for you to draw attention," a painfully familiar voice snapped, making him and Peyton turn around.

"RUKIA?" Peyton exclaimed, jaw falling to the floor.

Rukia rolled her eyes. "You _honestly_ _think_ I wouldn't find out where you were staying after I helped Ichigo defeat those Hollows?"

"You helped him defeat some Hollows?" she asked, jaw dropping even further.

"Of course I did. Just last night. ...Where _were_ you?" She looked to Ichigo, a rather demonic aura surrounding the small Soul Reaper. "Did you LITERALLY fuck her brains out?" she demanded to know, making them both do Spastic Wet Noodle Dances.

"R-R-RUKIAAAA!"

"I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU KNEW WHAT THAT _MEANT_!" Ichigo shouted, temple throbbing.

"ALL THIS TALK ABOUT MY FERTILITY AND SEX LIFE IS MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A _WHORE_!" Peyton wailed, making Neil and Mike sweatdrop.

"...What the hell's going on?" Neil wondered, and Mike just chuckled.

"Harris, you'd be better off doing what I do around these guys: don't question the crazy shit they get themselves into, you'll just get a headache. Speaking of which...let's all just go inside so I can get more ice for my head and you two can explain just what the hell's happening."

Neil sweatdropped. "...But...Mr. Ness, you _just said_ not to question the –"

"Zip it, Doogie."

"Right," he said quickly, following Mike inside.

"...Stop glaring at each other and let's just go inside and get our shit together for tomorrow," Peyton snapped with a sweatdrop as Rukia and Ichigo continued to glare daggers at each other.

"...And Rukia?"

"Yes, Peyton?"

"For the record, my brains are still completely intact."

"Of course they are," Rukia deadpanned in what had to be the least convincing voice one could manage, and Peyton bit her lip to keep from shouting. She looked up at Ichigo, who was now looking in the direction the van had taken off to. No matter how much he declared Isshin was creepy and annoying, she knew he was still worried. It was _still_ his dad, after all.

Peyton grabbed his hand and squeezed it again, prompting him to look down at her. "He'll be fine," she said simply, standing on her tip-toes to kiss him on the cheek.

_...I'm kicking serious druggie ass tomorrow. _


	18. The Kickass Ending!

**Me: WHOO-HOO! FINAL CHAPTER! GUESS HOW MANY PAGES THIS IS, GUYS?**

**Ichigo: A hundred?**

**Me: Close.**

**Rukia: 31 and a half?**

**Me: ...You totally cheated. Anyway, yeah, and a grand total of 11, 168 words! Not including this author's note! **

**Carmen: (Whistles) Whew, nice goin'! **

**Me: I PERSEVERED! I stayed up till 3 in the morning doing the first half, and the second half I worked on the rest of today! And true to my word, this baby's gonna be posted by midnight of July 15th, 2011! Soooo, Happy Birthday to Ichigo! **

**Everyone: (Claps)**

**Ichigo: About time I got applause for something.**

**Me: Hey, I literally applauded when Aizen was defeated in the manga. So shut up. ANYWAY, Koooon! Gifts and cakes!**

**Kon: RIGHT! (Wheels in Cake and Gift Set Number One, from The Layman. The cake's a three-layer vanilla cake with chocolate frosting between layers and vanilla icing on top. Adorning it is a Hot Wheels car in the shape of a white utility van. Gifts: for me, a plaque that says "Best insults I've heard in a long time". For Rukia, another piece of fanart depicting Chappy sitting on the world like a thrown. For Carmen, one of George Washington's false teeth. And for Kon: a needle, thread, and instruction booklet. )**

**Me: Ah, thanks! Those insults were so fun to write, my sister kept telling my dad I was going insane because I was laughing and typing like a lunatic...**

**Ichigo: WHAT, nothing for me? FOR MY BIRTHDAY?**

**Me: He couldn't think of anything. Not his fault. And goddamn, Ichigo, you get this monstrosity of a chapter, so I think that's fitting.**

**Ichigo: ...Don't matter.**

**Me: ARGH!**

**Carmen: (Cradling false tooth) It's so magnificent...**

**Everyone: O_o; (Takes a couple steps back away from Carmen)**

**Kon: (plops down with stuffing and supplies) Thanks, I've been so confused over this thing...! AH, BUT FIRST, MORE STUFF! (Runs off)**

**Me: (Beams) He's so good at this!**

**Kon: (Wheels in a giant Little Debbie's Oatmeal Creme Cake from Syco, as well as an exact life-size replica cake of NPH with a speaker inside the mouth quoting "Hello, Awesome." every few minutes. Next to it's a free Syco's Path Hairpiece with full lift-action and nonrefundable, possibly fake tickets for Harry Potter 7.5 .) TA-DAAAA!**

**Me: Oh, and I'm seeing Deathly Hallows Part 2 tonight as well, I already got me some tickets. XD Partly why I'm rushing this, because I only have about an hour of internet access time, so...MOVING ON! LAST GIFT, KOOOON!**

**Kon: RIGHT, COMING RIGHT UP! (Wheels in a gun from Dgj212 with a note that reads "To Kon - for I know it pains you that you have a vibrating doll and can't properly...erm, "use it")**

**Me: Um...I...**

**Ichigo: Hey, that's Mandy's gun! **

**Me: Oh, the gun you STOLE?**

**Ichigo: It was the good of my vital organs.**

**Kon: (Sniffles and points gun to head) HE'S RIGHT! IT'S NOT FAIR! **

**Ichigo: KON, DON'T YOU'D ONLY BE -**

**BANG!**

**Carmen, Me, and Rukia: OHGOD! TT_TT**

**Kon: (Now with a big hole in his head and stuffing pouring out) What? NOOOOO!**

**Ichigo: ...Wasting your time. Dumbass.**

**Kon: (sobs as he sews more stuffing into his head) R-R-R-Reeeead,**

**Me: WAIT! JUST GOT A NEW SET OF GIFTS! (Wheels it in myself. It's from MangaMagic, aka Siera with the funny Peyton sex jokes. XD For Peyton, a spiked metal baseball bat (electricity conductable) with the words - SAVE ISSHIN - written on the side and an Old Winona look alike. For Rukia, a giant ass chappy lolipop that sings "Please don't kill me". And for Ichigo, a pack of (secretly) broken condoms. AND A CAKE! A giant cake in the shape of a candy van (my geometry's class's version of a rape van XD) with a picture of Isshin grinning out the window with a gun against his temple and the words "Please save me my fertile daughter-in-law!…oh and son")**

**Ichigo: ...I'm not using those.**

**Me: Oh, she's just kidding they're not REALLY broken! (mouths to audience: Ohhhh yeah they are)**

**Ichigo: ...Fine then. I'm running out anyways.**

**Rukia: (Facepalm) This is NOT gonna end well.**

Kon: Okay, NOW...(starts sniffling again) R-R-R-Reeeead,

**Me/Ichigo/Carmen: REVIEW FOR THE LAST BULKY CHAPTER, GODDAMMIT! (Dazzling smiles)**

**Rukia: And...I'm saying this for the last time of this fic...ENJOOOOOOY! **

* * *

"So...lemme get this straight...Ee-Chee-Go and Roo-Kee-Yuh are both Soul Reapers?"

"ICHIGO and RUKIA! GODDAMMIT, NEIL!"

"Ichigo, calm down," Rukia and Peyton said in unison, both of them pulling him back down onto the bar stool by his wrists. His temple throbbed at that, but otherwise he shut up.

"...Why thank you, ladies."

"Great, my girlfriend's now part of Neil's entourage."

"AM NOT!"

"SO, Soul Reapers help us into the afterlife when we die? And this afterlife's called Soul Society?" Mike clarified, temple throbbing as he interrupted them from continuing their bickering.

The three nodded. "Yes. And Ichigo is a substitute Soul Reaper, meaning he walks among the living."

"So...technically speaking, you're dead?" Neil asked, and Rukia nodded. He and Mike exchanged a look before nodding and holding up a couple fingers each to the waiter for the international sign for "more shots NOW". "There's not _near_ enough booze in my system to comprehend all this," Neil muttered, and the bartender nodded at them.

"I'll get the tequila."

"Bring the bottle," Mike called after him as he went to the other side of the bar to check up on some sobbing drunk woman.

"Right away, Mr. Ness!"

"So you fight these Hollow things, and those're...what, bad ghosts?"

"They're a race of creatures derived from the souls of Humans who – for various reasons – don't cross over to Soul Society after their death and stay earthbound for too long. Corrupt spirits with supernatural powers that devour the souls of both living and deceased humans. Most humans cannot see them – only Soul Reapers or Humans with a high spiritual pressure, like Peyton, Ichigo, and Karin Kurosaki. Eventually, those around them feed off that energy and can sometimes vaguely see at least Pluses – good ghosts that have yet to turn into a Hollow," Rukia explained gravely.

Of course, everyone was staring at her blankly after her little lecture, and Ichigo shook his head. "Rukia, I knew what you were talking about and you STILL lost me."

Peyton looked to the poor celebrities gawking at Rukia, sighing heavily. "I'll explain this in basic terms. Pluses are the good ghosts who stay in one place 'cause they have unfinished business. Hollows are basically what happens when they wait for a long time and get pissed because the Chain of Fate – basically a gaping hole in their chest that they forgot to mention in the Hollywood movies – starts to corrode away and drives them crazy. ...Got it?"

"...Lemme down this shot, and them MAYBE I'll get it," Neil replied, throwing the shot back like it was water.

Just watching made Peyton's stomach and head start hurting.

"Neil. It's simple. Pluses are the good, Casper type ghosts. Hollows are the Paranormal Activity demon kinda ghosts. Casper has a hole in his chest that they forgot in the movie, right? And there's this chain, and...the chain starts rusting and falling off, getting the poor guy really pissed, and he turns into the Paranormal Activity demon. ...Got it?" Mike explained for him.

Neil stared at him for a few moments, then his jaw dropped. "OHMYGOD...So...So...CASPER is the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY DEMON? My childhood...it's been blown to bits now!"

Everyone sweatdropped, bartender included, and Ichigo shook his head as Rukia opened her mouth to clarify. "It's best to just let him believe that, he'll only have to deal with this Soul Reaper and Hollow stuff for the next twenty-four hours or so, anyways."

"...Point taken. Yes, Mr. Harris. The film as we all saw it...had a deeper...much more sinister meaning...Oh dear God...Now that I think it through, that theory may be _correct_," Rukia said in a slow, absent-minded kinda way.

Peyton turned to look at Ichigo after a few moments. "We HAVE to look at the tv later and see if Paranormal Activity's on. I wanna test that theory."

"Fine, but no whining if it scares the shit outta you."

"Please, if anything, I'LL be comforting YOU. I live for the horror movies!"

"Tch. Coming from the girl I can't get to watch the movie It?"

"IT'S A _KILLER CLOWN_ MOVIE!"

"_TIM CURRY_ PLAYS THE CLOWN, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! JUST PICTURE HIM AS HE LOOKED IN ROCKY HORROR WHENEVER THE CLOWN COMES ON!"

"Ichigo, I have to side with Peyton on this one. That movie basically – from what I've heard – sounds like Mayuri got his own movie deal."

"...Rukia, you just ruined the one movie I could watch and Peyton couldn't!" he accused, making her temple throb.

"Oh? How so?"

"Now I _can't_ watch it!"

"...Wait, okay, so I get the Casper/Paranormal Activity mutation...and I get that you guys are like Grim Reapers, pretty much...but what about her?" Neil asked, pointing at Peyton.

She sweatdropped. "I have a name, y'know."

"Alright, what about Peyton? 'Cause I heard them mention her frying people to death, like, six times."

"Yeah, and among the few things I remember about the other night when I first met those two, it looked like she electrocuted the shit outta those druggies," Mike chimed in, chuckling at the memory.

Ichigo smirked, and Peyton's temple started throbbing, already knowing what he was about to say. Sure enough, he leaned against the bar and said simply, "Oh, she has tinglies."

_**BAM! SMASH! **_

"GODDAMMIT, PEYTON!"

"THEY'RE _NOT _CALLED TINGLIES! Just 'cause Urahara calls 'em that, DOESN'T MEAN that's what they are!" she bellowed.

Their friends sweatdropped, Nick paused in writing their whole conversation down, and the bartender carefully – almost fearfully – cleared his throat while leaning towards her. "...Er, miss...? You'll have to pay for that broken glass..." he said hesitantly, gesturing to the bits of glass in Ichigo's hair.

She turned to look at him, eye twitching, and he gulped. "I...Yes, did you call me?" he practically shouted, darting over to the sobbing woman again.

Rukia sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose and shaking her head as Ichigo shook all the glass out of his hair with a scowl. "I feel like I can't take you two anywhere in public...I haven't the slightest idea how these poor men _survived_ this trip with you..."

"Sheer dumb luck?" Peyton suggested, and they all nodded in unison with murmurs of agreement.

"Okay, but seriously, what's with the electricity?" Neil asked.

Peyton shrugged. "It's kinda hard to explain..."

"What's hard about it? Basically, where Rukia and I have badass swords that represent our spirit energy and our very souls, Peyton channels that into some sort of energy that's like electricity...I call it Ghost Volts. _I_ think it sounds pretty badass," Ichigo explained, and the three nodded slowly.

Rukia sweatdropped at Peyton, who was grinning at him like an idiot. "Ghost Volts?" she repeated.

"That's almost as bad as when my brother got his drink spiked by Matsumoto and named all the pieces of his headpiece," Rukia deadpanned, making Ichigo and Peyton gain sweatdrops of epic proportions.

"...He did WHAT?"

"What the hell did he name 'em?"

"I don't remember them all...I know he named one after Hisana, naturally...Beyond that, one was Yuki, one was Rob, and I believe he named another one Yoruisuke, whatever the hell kind of name that is."

Peyton sweatdropped even further. "Sounds like Yoruichi and Urahara's love child. Y'know, Yoruichi and Kisuke mushed together?" That made Ichigo and Rukia start laughing at the very thought, while the other three looked completely and utterly lost.

"...Meh, he's a guy with a stick shoved so far up his ass that we're surprised he can walk," Ichigo explained, making Rukia kick him in the face. Which, considering their height differences even WITH the bar stools, was pretty impressive. "DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM LIKE THAT!"

Peyton sweatdropped. "Jeez, Rukia...I don't think I've ever seen you defend Byakuya. Actually...no, you haven't."

"Peyton, you want a kick to the face as well?" she threatened, making her shake her head quickly.

"N-No thanks, I'm good! Heheheh..."

"Dammit, Rukia, that really hurt..." Ichigo groaned, rubbing his face with a templethrob.

"Good."

"Wait, so...Peyton has Ghost Volts?" Neil stated, making Mike down the shot Harris had been about to drink.

"HEY! The hell, man!"

"No more shots for you, Harris, you can't keep up worth a shit."

Ichigo grinned at Peyton. "Once again, Mike Ness proves he's cooler than Neil Patrick Harris."

"Ichigo, that's like trying to compare Justin Beiber and Edward Cullen. You can't pick which one is more annoying, gay, or even androgynous. They're equal, with fluctuations in equality here and there."

"...Touche," Ichigo replied with a hint of pride in her comeback, making her beam.

"I'm surprised you understood all she just said," Rukia commented before turning to make sure she was staring them all down. Which was harder than it sounded, seeing as everyone was taller than her.

"Ahem," she practically barked, making Nick nearly drop his pen as he looked up at her obediently.

"Alright. Here's the plan. I've done immense research on the Convention Center, just in case Ichigo and Peyton came here and fucked everything up."

"HEY!"

"Don't interrupt me," she snapped, making them hang their heads. "...Don't lose eye contact, either, that's disrespectful!" she commanded, and their temples were throbbing as they obeyed.

"...Now. I happen to have a blueprint handy as well," Rukia continued, pulling a blueprint out of the Chappy bag she had set on the bar and unrolling the massive piece of paper.

Everyone tried to keep their snickering to a minimum at the sight of Rukia's – ...er, "modern age" art. Modern age here meaning –

"GOD, you need art lessons from Karin or something," Ichigo managed to get out between repressed shakes of laughter, and Peyton sweatdropped as she ducked the kick aimed for Ichigo's face. "GODDAMMIT, RUKIA, STOP KICKING ME IN THE FACE!"

"Very well, lemme try that again!"

"Oh, for the love of cake," he groaned, clutching his gut after her tiny – but admittedly painful – shoe connected with it.

"...Ichigo, I'm considering performing a cake intervention," Peyton commented with a sweatdrop, sitting back up now that the coast was clear.

Rukia simply cleared her throat, shooting Mike and Neil glares when they started snickering at her drawings again. "Fool. ...As I was saying. The exits are located here...here...here..._here_...here...here...here...here...here...here...here..._here_...he –"

"WE GET IT, A LOT OF EXITS!" they all shouted, making her demonic aura kick in again.

"...Yes, plenty of exits. Now, tomorrow is the first day of a new convention, so it's _bound_ to be packed. I've heard of all sorts of displays that are interactive as well, so it's best to be on your guard and not let yourself be startled by them. This druggie boss may have other henchmen of his doing rounds at the convention, and they'll likely be very suspicious of any sudden movements we make – Peyton and Ichigo especially, seeing how nervous they made him earlier. While Peyton, aka 'The Whore', brings them the briefcase, Ichigo?"

"What," he said with a yawn, making Peyton elbow him in the ribs. "SHIT!"

"At least pretend you're paying attention."

"...Thank you, Whore. Now, Ichigo – the Asshole Dealer, if I remember correctly – will attempt to blend in. That is, you won't be anywhere near The Whore, so you'll have to just deal with it. You won't die from Whore Withdrawal. As for Neil, you'll be nearby The Whore – when they confront her to make the switch between Isshin and The Whore, you'll provide a distraction. Do some improv or something. Mike, you'll be with me, lurking in the shadows. We strike when Druggie Boss becomes nervous and tries to make a getaway – meaning I perform a kido and you kick his and his henchman's asses. Not too much, though, I don't want to end up dealing with exorcising their spirits any time soon. While all this is happening, Nick will be the first to leave our vehicle tomorrow while we find a parking space as close to the door as possible – you'll be stealing their van."

Nick gave her a thumbs-up and pantomimed hotwiring a car, to which Peyton clapped. Ichigo rolled his eyes. "Why don't you give him a cookie while you're at it, Peyton?"

Cue another elbow to the ribs.

"STOP DOING THAT!"

"Never."

"WHORE, ASSHOLE DEALER! SILENCE!" Rukia bellowed, making Peyton growl under her breath. "...Any questions?" she then asked cheerfully, making everyone sweatdrop.

"Yeah, quit calling me Whore!" Peyton demanded.

"That's not a question, Whore," Rukia replied in the same cheerful tone, and Ichigo rolled his eyes yet again as he pulled Peyton back by the hood of her hoodie.

"Let it go, Peyton."

"Lemme go!" she squeaked.

"No, violence towards our fellow comrades is the LAST THING we need right now."

"Ichigo –"

"The important thing is that we all know you're _not_ a whore."

"Ichi –"

"At least, I do. Because if you were a whore, you'd be having sex with OTHER guys along with me. Which I doubt you could handle, seeing as you can barely handle me."

"ICHIGO!" she croaked, "Can't...breathe...!"

"...Oh. Sorry," he said with a sheepish laugh, immediately letting go of her hoodie. She gasped for air like a fish out of water, making the others' sweatdrops increase exponentially.

"Hey. Mike?"

"Yeah, Harris."

"You know that 48 Hours Mystery show?"

"Yeah."

"These two're gonna be on it. They'll be trying to figure out if Ee-Chee-Go killed her on purpose or accident."

"...I could see that," Mike and Rukia replied at the same time, while Ichigo continued to apologize to Peyton roughly eighty times in order to keep from being made to sleep on the floor.

Suddenly, Neil whistled loudly to make everyone stop what they were doing. He held up a shot glass, and motioned to the five other shot glasses now lined up on the bar. Peyton gestured wildly for the bartender, who then gave her a new shot glass filled to the brim with ginger ale per her request.

"Okay, go," she instructed to Neil, who was looking at her with extreme amusement.

"...I still like you, kid. Alright, I'm making a toast. ...To this rescue mission we're pulling right out of our asses that'll most likely be doomed to fail and will somehow succeed at the last possible moment despite all hope being shot down and the situation pointing towards our failure and/or death."

"HERE HERE!"

_**CLINK.**_

* * *

_**LATER****...**_

"Hey, Peyton," Ichigo called out, making her poke her head out of the bathroom.

"Yo."

"Paranormal Activity's on." With that announcement, she immediately threw the towel she was rubbing her hair with across the shower rod and ran out of there, slipping on underwear and a t-shirt as she went.

Wow, she sure was modest these days.

"And you wait until NOW to tell me?" she demanded to know, turning all the lights off and diving onto the bed, making him sweatdrop at the whole scenario in general.

"Well, yeah, since I'm not psychic. It just came on, dumbass."

"...Oh. Right."

"...Would you laugh at me if I told you that I'm genuinely scared that I'll see the connection between the Casper/PA Mutation Theory once we watch this all the way through again?" Ichigo said after a good three minutes of silence between them.

Peyton shook her head, putting her phone on silent so she could avoid any vibrating-phone-scares. "Nope, I'm scared shitless that I'll see it too," she replied with a yawn, sitting with her legs crossed and her eyes already glued to the tv.

Of course, no matter how absorbed with the movie she was, Peyton still wasn't oblivious. She knew Ichigo better than a lot of people thought – probably better than he himself thought. He didn't have to make a certain expression to clue her in on whether or not he was worried or angry.

It was all in the body language. When he was worried – like he was now – he couldn't stay still for the life of him. Sometimes, like now, he'd bite his lip every few minutes or so. Not to mention he shifted a lot, and didn't quite know what to do with his hands and arms.

Not that him being worried was all that surprising to begin with. Ichigo had a habit of getting worked up when _anyone_ was in trouble, much less his own father. And she was sure that seeing Isshin as a hostage like that was hard for him to take in general.

Peyton sighed before scooting back and to the right, sitting next to him as close as possible and leaning her head back against the wall like he was doing. "...I told you already, dumbass. Your dad's gonna be fine."

"I know that," he replied almost instantly – yet another clue that it was really doing a number on his nerves. Normally, it'd take him a second to answer, especially if he had been actually WATCHING the movie.

"Just 'cause you know it doesn't mean you _accept_ it," she shot back.

"What fortune cookie did you read that off of?"

"NONE, thank you," she replied, temple throbbing. "Admit it, you're worried."

"Am not!"

"Yes you are! You worry about EVERYTHING."

"T-That's not true!"

"Oh yeah? I'm sorry, but WHO did you call about that one test for Okiwura where he threw in multiple choice questions whose correct answers were all 'A'?"

"...Oh, c'mon, you were freaking out too!"

"That's besides the point. I had a right to freak out, I _suck_ at biology. ...Damn nerd," she grumbled, making him smirk despite himself. That smirk was wiped right off his face when she asked with a smirk of her own, "You wanna talk about your _feelings_, Ichigo?"

"...Nope."

Something about his tone made her frown, and she nodded. "Okay. We won't, then," she said simply. Instead, she kissed the place where his neck and jaw met, her lips moving up to brush his ear. "He'll be okay," she whispered into his ear before leaning her head against him, smiling triumphantly when his arm went around her waist.

"...This works," he commented matter-of-factly.

Suddenly, right when they got re-absorbed into the movie, Peyton's phone vibrated and rang against her leg, causing them both to jump and scream at the loud noise.

"HOLY SHIT!" she screamed, throwing her phone across the room.

"...I know you're a spazz, Peyton, but was that _really_ necessary?" Ichigo asked, sweatdropping as they stared at the phone on the floor.

"Three things," was her reply.

"What?"

"There's three things that occurred to me just then. One, I turned my phone on silent for that exact reason. Two, even if I'd pressed the wrong button, my phone was on vibrate to begin with; that was at LEAST level five, so there's no way I pressed it up that high. And three, the phone only rang once, and that was at the same time the little clock at the bottom of the camera screen stopped. Which means it rang when something scary was set into motion on the movie."

There was a good thirty seconds of silence after her explanation. Their rather girly screams as they both ducked under the covers and assumed fetal positions while laying on their sides soon followed.

* * *

_**THE ****NEXT MORNING...**_

Rukia sweatdropped as Ichigo and Peyton trudged over to Seth's car, five waffles each in their hands and dark circles under their eyes.

"...What the hell _happened_ to you two?"

"Possessed cell phone...rang all night..." Peyton mumbled.

"Scared shitless...actually cuddled with her...all manliness is officially _eradicated_..." Ichigo mumbled in a similar trance-like fashion, prompting sweatdrops from Mike and Neil, who were standing on either side of Rukia.

Nick was inside the car already, doing a sudoku puzzle.

"I even took out...the...goddamn batteries, but it still...still rang!" Peyton wailed, and Neil cleared his throat.

"Hey, if you need something to help you calm down over that cell phone –"

"SHE'S NOT TAKING YOUR 'SHROOMS, NEIL!" Ichigo shouted, temporarily snapped out of his comatose state.

Mike sweatdropped before shaking his head and getting in the driver's seat. "We'll stop for Starbucks on the way. Neil, give Peyton the briefcase."

He did so, and she almost dropped it in her current...er, "condition". "I wouldn't look in there," he advised.

"Why?"

"I stashed all the porn I could find in there – I mostly just raided stores last night and bought all the cheap, crappy ones."

More sweatdrops on that one, and Peyton just nodded before plopping into the back seat. Rukia went to the passenger seat, and everyone shuddered as Peyton and Ichigo gnawed on their waffles in total unison, staring off into space as if seeing nothing at all.

Neil shook his head slowly. "...God, they're creepy."

"I blame Paranormal Activity," Rukia stated simply as Mike stated the car. "I knew they'd be stupid enough to watch it." Neil shuddered once more at the poor comatose teens before running for his sports car. "Let the rescue mission COMMENCE!" he shouted, revving his engine.

"Showoff," Mike muttered, flooring the gas as he swerved out of the parking lot.

* * *

Forty minutes, two expressos, and five slaps across the face each later, Ichigo and Peyton were wide awake and ready to save Isshin.

"GOD, WHAT'S WITH THIS TRAFFIC?" Ichigo bellowed, Mike laying on his horn for the eightieth time as someone merged into their lane in front of them without warning.

Peyton sighed and rubbed her temples, wishing she could be asleep right now. "Ichigo, calm down, you're making me nervous...and pissed, but you always do that," she grumbled, continuing her game of Hangman with Nick.

Ichigo's temple throbbed as he watched them, noticing every time Peyton got a guess wrong Nick made the Hangman look like him.

"...Wow."

"What?" Peyton asked, Nick blinking up at him innocently with a not-so-innocent smirk.

"Oh, nothing, not at all. ...Can I be it next?"

"Sure!" she said cheerfully.

Once it was his turn, he added more and more Nick features to the Hangman. Just as he figured she would, Peyton noticed. "HEY! I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE!" she shouted, smacking him upside the head.

"HE DID THE SAME THING WITH ME, PEYTON!"

"I DIDN'T SEE THE RESEMBLANCE, AND I'M YOUR _GIRLFRIEND_!"

"YEAH? WELL, _I_ SAW IT, AND I'M _ME_!"

"...You're a dumbass."

"No, you're a dumbass."

"NO, you're a dumbass."

"NO, YOU'RE a dumbass."

"YOU'RE a dumbass!"

"YOU'RE A DUMBASS!"

"YOU'RE A DUMBASS!"

"YOU'RE –"

"SHUT UP, DUMBASSES!" Mike shouted, and the two exchanged a look before sneering:

"...Dumbass."

"WHAT? YOU'RE THE DUMBASSES!"

"No, YOU'RE the dumbass!"

"No, YOU'RE the dumbass, Ichigo!"

"No, Mike, YOU ARE!"

"No, YOU ARE!"

"YOU BOTH ARE!"

"YOU ARE, PEYTON!"

"SO ARE YOU, ICHIGO!"

"LIES, MIKE, YOU'RE THE DUMBASS!"

"NO, YOU ARE!"

"NO, Y –"

"SILENCE, OR I UNLEASH CHAPPY HELL!" Rukia bellowed, looking at them all. Every single one of them gulped - even Nick, who hadn't done anything.

"I will make Mike TURN THIS CAR AROUND if you don't behave! Got it?"

"Yes, Rukia..." they grumbled, the three of them hanging their heads.

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that?"

"YES, RUKIAAA!"

"Good."

So, after that...bout of...sheer stupidity, they finally got to the Convention Center. The outside of it looked massive, and they could only assume the inside would seem even more so.

"Alright, Nick, go!" Rukia instructed, practically throwing him out of the car as she moved to the back seat. He stumbled a little before running off to the back parking lot; it only made _sense_ that the van would be back there.

"...Hi, Rukia," Peyton commented simply, waving at the Soul Reaper now wedged between her and Ichigo.

"Hello."

"Hey, look! Parking space right up front!" Mike said cheerfully, zooming to park in it before the car in front of him could. The person started honking and cussing him out, but stopped as soon as they saw Mike get out of the car. He quickly sped off, much to Peyton and Ichigo's amusement.

On their way inside the building, Peyton noticed quite a few people dressed up like rabbits. She shuddered at a couple Chappy costumes, but otherwise just gripped the briefcase tighter and didn't comment.

That is, until they got inside. As soon as Mike swung the door open, Ichigo put an arm around Peyton's shoulders in case she fainted. Rukia cheered up immensely, smiling brilliantly and jumping up and down, and Peyton paled by about eight sheets in record time.

"Oh...Oh, _hell_ no..."

"Oh _yes_! It's a Chappy Convention! Why'd you think I was coming here?"

"I...I...This...Nooo...!"

"Yeeees. I thought about wearing a costume, I believe it's called 'cosplay', but I couldn't make a satisfactory one in time. I only just heard about it right before you left with Seth. ...Back when we all thought you were coming back right away."

"Noooo!" Peyton repeated, shaking her head as if that'd make the sight of all the Chappies running around with their abnormally happy faces go away.

"You can do this! You're Peyton, you're totally badass enough to completely ignore the Chappies. Just...don't punch 'em in the face if they ask you for a hug, okay?" Ichigo asked, and she nodded.

"Can't make any promises, but I'll do my best. ...Oh, GOD, this sucks," she wailed, blinking away tiny tears and shaking her head again. "Rukiaaa, are you _sure_ I have to walk through all this by myself?"

"Positive. You're the Whore, and they said for the Whore specifically to deliver it."

"STOP CALLING ME A WHORE!" Peyton shouted, making Mike sigh and shake his head.

"Let's just get outta the doorway and stop looking so obvious."

"Right," Rukia agreed, and they went to Peyton's left. Ichigo kissed her, smiled reassuringly, and took off to the right.

"...Aw, hell," Peyton grumbled, trudging forward and trying to avoid any and all contact with Chappy.

* * *

Remembering what Rukia had said about bringing attention to herself, Peyton kept her eyes darting to everything around and in front of her, making sure there were no surprises. Of course, it still took almost every ounce of her willpower to keep from screaming and electrocuting the animatronic Chappies that stretched their arms out towards her when she passed their display. "Chappy loves you! We want a huuuuug! ...C'moooon, _Peyton_, give us a _huuug_!"

This flung all her self-control right out the window, and she screamed despite herself as she turned to gawk at the Chappies. Of all people, Kisuke Urahara was standing there laughing at her, holding a Chappy that was staring right at her. "Peyton's such a scaaaaawedy cat!" it cheered, making her eye twitch.

"...What the fuck, Urahara. WHAT...the fuck?" she snapped, trying to keep her voice below screeching level.

He grinned at her, stretching an arm out and waving it towards the stand set up behind him. "I had to get my merchandise out there somehow!"

"You...Wait, so who's watching the shop?" she asked with honest curiosity, trying to pretend the Chappy wasn't staring at her still.

"Everyone else, of course! Assuming Yoruichi doesn't run off to take cat naps in peace and Tessai doesn't get sick and try to use his own 'remedies' to cure himself, the shop should still be in tip-top shape when I get back!" She just stared at him, and he drooped a little. "I know my shop's doomed, no need to stare me down and get me to say it..."

"Oh, that reminds me. Ichigo called my powers tinglies. TINGLIES."

"I had _nothing_ to do with that," he said simply, whipping out his fan and covering the lower half of his mouth. "Didya kick his ass?"

"Of course I did, I threw a glass at his head. So help me, if you call them tinglies around _anyone else_ and they start saying it, I'll _kill you_!" she shouted, a demonic aura surrounding her much like Rukia.

"...What a bitch," Chappy grumbled, making her eye twitch and Urahara snicker behind his fan.

"Of course you will, Peyton. ...Oh, and I suppose I should tell you..."

"WHAT?" she snapped.

"This is a Soul Reaper Only booth. Meaning to the rest of the convention-goers, it looks like you're just shouting at the wall."

She sweatdropped, turning bright red as she noticed the people staring and giggling at her while they passed. "..._God_, I hate you," she seethed, and it sounded like he giggled behind that stupid fan of his.

She stomped off, trying to ignore the Chappies calling after her by name, and she hadn't gotten more than fifteen feet from his little booth when a guy dressed up as Chappy slid in front of her and held his arms outstretched. "CHAPPY WANTS A HUUUUG!"

Peyton was about to swivel out of his way when someone knocked into her, causing her to fall right into Chappy's arms. "GAH!"

"AAAAHHHH, YOU SURE ARE FEELING THE CHAPPY SPIRIT! ...Say, there's something wrong with Chappy's phone," he said in a lower voice, making her temple throb.

"...What?"

"Your number's no – GUH!" he groaned as she punched him right in the face and stomped off. She pretended she couldn't hear Neil laughing from somewhere to her left, and ignored Ichigo's very audible facepalm from a couple booths down as he pretended to look at some sort of Chappy manga.

"He had it comin'," she muttered defensively as she passed him, making him just roll his eyes and turn another page.

Finally, burly guy grabbed her by the shoulder once again, and she looked up at him with the biggest sigh of relief she could muster. "Oh, thank GOD you showed up! I thought I was gonna die..."

"Don't be so sure you won't," was his friendly reply, making her sweatdrop.

"How are you still single? You sure know how to woo the ladies."

"Quiet," he grumbled, squeezing her shoulder again.

"OW! Goddammit, stop doing that!" she snapped, shocking his hand until he yelped like a little girl and clutched said hand.

"...Bitch," he practically spat, and she bit her lip to keep from laughing. They wove their way in and out of the crowd, eventually reaching one of the _many_ exits Rukia had pointed to in her blueprint and going out into the back parking lot.

It was practically deserted, everyone having parked in the front, and she saw Nick's shoes as he hid behind a car nearby the Rapist Van. _And they haven't seen him yet? So much for ruthless strategical killers..._

Isshin was sitting on the edge of the open back end of the van, legs dangling off the side as he swung them like he didn't have a care in the world. You know, even though his wrists were bound together, as were his ankles. He brightened when he saw them heading this way, pointing enthusiastically to her. "AH! THERE SHE IS! GOOD AFTERNOON, MY DARLING DAUGHTER!" he shouted after ripping the duct tape off his mouth; it hung from his beard, fluttering in the breeze slightly.

"...Hey, Isshin," she replied with a sweatdrop, and the burly guy shook his head beside her.

"What a dumbass."

"HEY, don't talk about my second dad like that!" she shouted, shocking him again and making him howl. THAT made Isshin's grin threaten to break his face in half, which in turn made _her_ smile. She supposed she owed him for her and Ichigo dragging him into this mess in the first place. ...Although, now he probably expected her to call him that from now on. _...Aw, dammit. _

The boss was leaning against the side of the van, and strode over to stand next to Isshin as burly guy shoved Peyton forward, briefcase whacking against her shins and making her wince. _Jesus, Neil, did you __**have**__ to fill it with so much heavy shit?_

"Ahh, so the whore showed up!"

"Look, Boss Man, call me whore one more time and I'll fry you like I did your little henchmen here," she practically growled, making burly guy and lanky guy both whimper at the memory.

He just chuckled and held out his hand. "Gimme the briefcase and get in the van. Then Pops over here can go."

She was about to toss it at his face and fry the others while he was distracted, but suddenly they heard the exit door slam open. They turned to look at Neil standing by the exit, hand still outstretched dramatically from where he'd used it to smack said door open.

"...Let her go," he said in a tone so serious she almost thought he WAS serious. Neil strode over to them slowly, making her temple throb.

"...Why's he walking in slow motion?" burly guy asked.

"He's probably about to do something amazing, it's _Neil Patrick Harris_," lanky guy replied in an awed whisper, and Peyton inched towards Isshin so slowly that it almost looked like she wasn't moving at all.

"Let her GO," he repeated, coming to a stop in front of the boss. "Boss Man, take me instead."

"What?" he asked with a sweatdrop. "Why the _fuck_ would I do that?"

"Think about it. If you held Neil Patrick Harris hostage, do you have ANY idea how many people would be up in arms? I bet the President _himself_ would pay you to return me safely! I'm like a...a...national treasure! They've planned to cryogenically freeze me and put me next to Walt Disney! You'll get _much more_ than the shit in that briefcase if you take _me_ instead," he explained in that slow, oh-so-dramatic tone of his.

He had their full attention now, and Peyton quietly untied the ropes around Isshin's wrists and ankles. He grinned and opened his mouth to whisper a thank you, but she clapped a hand over his mouth and shook her head. She then pointed behind the van as she jumped to stand rather dramatically where he'd been sitting, and he nodded before tip-toeing in that direction.

"...Huh. You have a good point, Harris. You know, I think I'll take you both. Let Pops go," the boss instructed over his shoulder, not even looking behind him. Lanky guy slowly turned around to do so, and had enough time to let out a shout of "BOSS, THE WHORE –" before she dug her nails into the top of his head and proceeded to shock him with such force that she nearly blinded herself with all the dark purple light that shot out.

"AAAAAAH!"

"I SAID, don't call me WHORE!" she growled, and even Neil felt a shiver run down his spine.

"HOLY SHIT!" the boss man shouted, moving to shoot her. Burly guy had already fired off some rounds, but she had used lanky guy as a shield. Rukia suddenly swooped down from above the van in her Soul Reaper form, hacking off burly guy's arm.

It took both Ichigo and Mike to take him down, and Neil held up his hands as Peyton grabbed hold of the boss. "Waitwaitwait, I wanna land a punch before you fry him beyond recognition."

"Go right ahead!" she said cheerfully, and the boss shook his head quickly.

"Nonono – GAH!"

"Oooh, nice shot," Peyton praised, Neil having punched him right in the face and, from the looks of it, broke his nose.

"You don't know what you're doing," the boss protested as Peyton shocked him a little, thoroughly enjoying the fear in his eyes.

"Oh, I don't?"

"No, you don't! My guys'll be comin' after ya, you little whore!"

"Your guys? We kinda kicked your guys' asses, I don't think they can even form thoughts right now, much less come after us," she informed him, shocking him again.

"AH! Listen, you little bitch, you think they're the only ones I got? They'll kill you, they'll fucking _kill you_ for what you did to me! AHH!" he shouted, hissing in pain as she shocked him a little harder.

"Wait," Ichigo said suddenly, making his friends sigh with disappointment; they'd been looking forward to watching him fry.

He walked over to the boss man, who was grinning at him, and punched him in the gut with so much force that even Peyton felt her stomach lurch on his behalf. Boss guy spat out some blood, panting now. "That's for my dad, you son of a bitch. Alright, Peyton, fry him."

"With pleasure."

"No, please – AHHHH, DAMN YOU!" he shouted as she shocked him until he was twitching on the ground, steam emanating from his burns as his skin hissed like an overcooked microwavable meal.

"...That felt really good," she said simply, panting a little. She hadn't used that much energy in a long time, ever since breaking those handcuffs on the day of her execution.

Isshin bounded over to them from behind the van, all sunshine and rainbows. "AH! MAGNIFICENT ASS-KICKING, MY SON AND DAUGHTERS!" he praised as Rukia went back into her gigai, pulling all three of them into a lung-crushing hug.

"GAH! N-Nice to see you too, Isshin," Rukia managed to get out between gasps, and Ichigo's temple throbbed.

"Dad, stop suffocating us!"

"BUT I MISSED YOU SO MUCH, SON!"

"Get...OFF!" Ichigo shouted, wriggling his way out of Isshin's death grip. Nick popped his head out from behind the driver's seat of the van, giving them a thumbs-up as it revved to life.

"_Sweet_, I've always wanted to ride in a creepy van!" Neil said enthusiastically, making the others sweatdrop. Isshin pranced over to sit in the back. "As have I! Come join me, darling daughter!" Isshin crowed, reaching to grab Peyton.

Ichigo pulled her out of the way, pushing Rukia into Isshin's grip instead. "HEY!" she shouted, struggling as he lifted her into the van. "COME ALONG, THIRD DAUGHTER, YOU'RE A WORTHY REPLACEMENT! LET US SEE THE WONDERS OF SAN DIEGO TOGETHER!"

"ICHIGO, GODDAMN YOU!"

"Uhhh, Isshin...That might have to wait," Mike commented, looking straight ahead of the Rapist Van. They all looked to see two pickup trucks and another van barreling for them, at least one person in each vehicle hanging out the window with a gun.

"...Aw, shit. Peyton, we gotta go through the Convention Center," Ichigo informed her, making her gawk at him.

"Are you CRAZY? THERE'S A PERFECTLY GOOD, YET ADMITTEDLY CREEPY, VAN _RIGHT HERE_ AT OUR DISPOSAL!"

"But they'll go after _us_, not the van, which means dad doesn't have a chance to do something stupid," he replied calmly, dragging her along. "GET GOING!" he shouted to them, and Nick floored the gas as Isshin and Rukia shut the van doors. "BE CAREFUL WITH THAT PRECIOUS CARGO, SON!" Isshin called out, making them sweatdrop.

Mike ran after them as, sure enough, only one pickup truck followed the van. "Let's get goin' already!"

They barreled through the Convention Center, and Ichigo let Peyton punch and kick any Chappy that was stupid enough to get in her way. For good measure, she also threw a low-powered ball of "tinglies" at Urahara, laughing maniacally when it hit the Chappy that had been mocking her.

"DAMN YOU, PEYTON!" he shouted, and she just laughed harder. Of course, now everyone in the convention was either at a stand-still or running from them, but then someone ran in shouting about gunshots in the parking lot, and EVERYONE started panicking. Luckily, they were the first to make it out and beat the flow of people trying to get the hell outta dodge.

Ichigo and Peyton dove into the driver and passenger seats, and Mike jumped in through the sunroof. "GOGOGOGOGOOOO!" he shouted, his legs flailing out of the window seat as Ichigo floored the gas.

* * *

They zoomed out into traffic, and Peyton wasn't surprised in the least when Ichigo headed for the most deserted strip of highway in San Diego.

The pickup truck and van were hot on their trail, and they all kept their heads as far down as possible as Seth's car became riddled with bullets. "YOU'RE HEADING FOR THE MOST DESERTED ROAD YOU CAN FIND?" Mike shouted in disbelief. "HOW THE HELL'RE THE COPS SUPPOSED TO HELP US NOW?"

"We can take care of this ourselves!" Ichigo shouted back, swerving somewhat wildly. "Besides, innocent people could get hurt if we don't take this somewhere deserted!" he shouted as they neared the turnoff. They were stopped by a red light, and the people hanging out the windows quickly stashed their guns as a cop car pulled up in the lane next to them.

"..._Wow_, he's a dumbass," Peyton said with a sweatdrop as he continued to eat his donut, licking his fingers before gripping the steering wheel again, completely oblivious to the shooting that had just occured.

Ichigo looked at her, then the cars behind them, then back at her again. "...Peyton, take the wheel."

"WHAT?" Mike shouted, putting his seat belt on as quick as he could.

"REALLY?" Peyton asked giddily, practically bouncing in her seat.

"Yeah, really. I want you to floor the gas as hard as you can and head for the highway I was heading for. Once we get on the highway, drive as stupid and reckless as you want," he instructed, sweatdropping as she clambered over him and they switched seats.

"Oh God, I think I might end up praying for the first time in _years_," Mike groaned, assuming the fetal position as the light turned green.

Peyton immediately floored the gas, and the way she dodged the other cars who got in her way was admittedly pretty impressive. The cop that had been next to them turned on his siren, speeding after her, and Peyton just laughed maniacally again. "Perfect! A cop chase! THIS IS AWESOME!" she cheered, not even paying heed to the bullets whizzing past their heads and the shouts from onlookers.

She went up the ramp and was on the deserted highway, immediately starting to swerve and speed and slow down at varied intervals. Again, it was admittedly pretty impressive, she made it look pretty strategic.

"This is great! Oh _shit_, that scared me," she said with a gasp as a bullet grazed right past her face.

"Peyton, duck!" Ichigo shouted.

"No way, they'll run out of bullets soon enough! ...Wait, I got an idea."

"What idea? ...PEYTON, WHAT IDEA?" She didn't reply, just made a hard right before hitting the brakes, stopping right in front of the two cars' paths. The cop car was far enough behind to where he slammed on his brakes in time to avoid a collision, but the other two cars both swerved into the highway's barrier on the left side of the road.

Unfortunately, the pickup truck hit them as it swerved. Though it didn't hit them full on, it hit them enough to cause THEM to swerve, flip, and crash on the other side of the highway.

* * *

Peyton blacked out for what had to be only a matter of seconds, but was a bit disoriented when she woke up. ...Okay, more than a bit. It didn't help that she was currently upside-down.

Mike had already wriggled out from the wreckage, and helped her out as well. "NEVER...drive...again..."

"Nope, never," she agreed, shaking her head quickly as she crawled over to Ichigo's side and dragged him out. "Damn giant, wake up!" she shouted, grunting with the effort as Mike explained what happened to the police officer, who had already shoved the druggies' friends into his squad car. The ones that couldn't fit were laying on the road or handcuffed together.

The Rapist Van was soon on the scene as well, and Isshin kicked open the back doors of said van before sprinting over to Peyton, who was currently slapping Ichigo lightly across the face. "Hey, wake up. ...Ichigo?" She tried shocking him a little, and that seemed to do the trick. He shot up with a grunt, looking around quickly before rubbing his head. "WHAT? ...Ow, shit...What happened?"

"We...kinda...Um...You made us crash!"

"I did?"

"Yeah, you sure did. And you call ME the reckless driver..."

"SON, I _told you_ to be careful!" Isshin scolded, making Ichigo scowl up at him.

"Butt out, old man, I didn't do it on purpose."

"But you still did it," he pointed out, and Peyton nodded solemnly.

Rukia stared at Seth's car with wide eyes, shaking her head. "Seth's going to be so _pissed_ when he finds out..."

As if on cue, Peyton's phone vibrated in her pocket. She let go of Ichigo to answer it, and he slowly tried to sit up while clutching his slightly-bleeding head. Peyton winced, realizing her arm hurt like hell and hoping she didn't sprain her wrist again. "H-Hello?"

_"**P! I just wanted to make sure ya'll were still alive...Hey, you'll never guess what's on the news**."_

"What?"

"_**There was this huge cop chase in San Diego, with a pickup truck and a couple vans, and this one car that looked JUST LIKE MINE...riddled with bullet holes...Oh, look at that, they're giving us an aerial view from a helicopter of the WRECKAGE**_..."

Sure enough, they heard the loud whirring of a helicopter, and Peyton waved weakly to the camera sticking out of the window. "Hiiii, loving, merciful brother of mine!" she said with nervous laughter.

"_**Thank God I have insurance on that thing...As long as it doesn't get blasted to smithereens or anything, we should be**_ –"

Suddenly, the car blew up, and they all covered their faces with their arms as the heat wave blasted past them. Peyton sweatdropped, laughing nervously again as Seth muttered incoherently on the other line.

_**"...HUN, AIN'T THAT YOUR CAR THAT JUST DONE BLEW UP**_?" Aunt Courtney asked from somewhere near the phone, and Peyton sweatdropped even further when Seth started sobbing like an idiot.

"S-SETH, I'LL PAY FOR IT, I PROMISE!"

"_**YOU BETTER! EVERY CENT OF IT! I LOVED THAT CAR, P, GODDAMMIT! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT**_!"

"IT WAS ICHIGO'S FAULT!"

"WHAT?" Ichigo shouted, clutching his head. "Don't you blame this all on me!" he hissed.

_**"I still blame you, you're the idiot who let him drive!"**_ Seth wailed.

"B-But he's a better driver than me!"

_**"OBVIOUSLY NOT! GRANDMOMMAAAAAA, PEYTON AND HER BOYFRIEND DESTROYED MY CAR!"**_ he wailed, his voice going distant as if he were running somewhere before he hung up entirely.

Peyton slowly shut her phone, stuffing it back in her pocket. She then sighed heavily, staggering to her feet with Rukia and Neil's help. Ichigo had already stood up, and the cop sighed heavily as well before speaking into his walkie talkie.

"We're gonna need some backup and a wreck crew over here."

* * *

_**HOURS **__**LATER**__**...**_

"...This _sucks_," Peyton stated simply as Rukia walked in; she was currently having her sprained wrist wrapped up by a nurse as another one put some weird-looking white bandages on her forehead to try and close up the gash running from her forehead to her cheek on the left side.

There were already some bruises popping up on her arm (she was told that arm probably was hanging out of the car and received damage when she pulled it back inside), but all-in-all it could've been so much worse.

"How're you gonna pay Seth back?"

"Probably haveta get a job. Or two. Or three..."

"Try five."

"Shut up," she wailed, and Rukia chuckled.

"On the plus side, I have new Chappy merchandise and got pictures taken with him!" she said cheerfully, and Peyton sweatdropped.

"I'd clap for you if I could, Rukia," she deadpanned. "Where is everybody?"

"Mike and Neil took Nick for some drinks, saying they earned them, and Ichigo is outside in the hallway talking to Isshin, I believe," she said slowly. Peyton leaned as far forward as possible, trying to get a good glimpse of them.

"...Oh," she said with a smile as Ichigo suddenly hugged his dad, something she'd never expected to see in a million years.

"What, what's 'Oh' for?" Rukia asked, curiosity piqued as she tried to peek through the blinds. Peyton threw a popsicle stick at her head, making her turn around with a temple throb. "I hope that wasn't the one they used on your tongue..."

"Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't," she said innocently. Before Rukia could properly interrogate her about it, the cop that had been the first on the scene walked in, making them all turn to look at him.

"...Miss Cullen, I'd just like to thank you for helping us catch those guys. They've been just under our radar for months now, and we think they're responsible for the drug ring in San Diego and part of western Texas, as well as drug-related homicides stretching across both states. ...I just have one question."

"Yessir?"

"What exactly _happened_ to them? We found them with severe burns, the leader of the group being burnt nearly beyond recognition."

She and Rukia feigned surprise, eyes widened. "What?"

"We just beat 'em up and ran off! Who would _do_ something like that?" Peyton exclaimed, and the officer held his hands up.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I was just hoping you would know. ...Thanks for your time," he said simply before leaving.

Rukia shook her head slowly. "That was _too_ close."

"Tell me about it."

Suddenly, Damien burst through the door, Ichigo and Isshin right behind him. "LUGGAGE, HOW YA DOIN'?" he shouted, making the nurse accidentally turn Peyton's wrist the wrong way.

"Owww, SHIT," Peyton hissed, and the nurse smiled apologetically before cutting off the excess bandage strip and quickly leaving the room, the other nurse soon following suit.

"Damien? The hell _you_ doing here?"

"I saw the cop chase on tv, and I saw you wave at the camera earlier, and seeing as it was kinda my boyfriend's fault you got mixed into that anyways, I thought I'd -"

"Wait wait wait, hold the phone, it was YOUR BOYFRIEND'S FAULT?" Ichigo shouted, temple throbbing and everything.

"...Yeah, he got drunk and hid the stash the guys wanted in his pants...he told me later that he blamed it on you when the guy asked him about it, I've been freaking out ever since!"

"That asshole," Peyton grumbled, and Damien nodded.

"I second that. But what can I say? I love the guy."

"I suppose it's the same as you loving Ichigo despite how much of an idiot he is," Rukia added, and Isshin nodded cheerfully as his son's temple throbbed again.

"You owe us. BIG TIME," Ichigo informed Damien, who nodded quickly.

"Oh, I plan to pay you back! Anything you want!"

"...Do you know a place with good waffles?" Peyton asked, making everyone sweatdrop.

"...Actually, yeah, I do. Want me to take ya'll there?" The two exchanged a look before whispering to each other, making everyone sweatdrop even more.

"...Very well. It'll pass," Ichigo declared, and Peyton nodded.

Neil suddenly flew into the room as well. "GUYS, I really owe you. I'll do anything. I got us in a ton of shit."

"Aw, Neil, we do that on our own –"

Ichigo covered Peyton's mouth, much to her chagrin, and stared Neil down. "...Autographed pictures of Chuck Norris. THEN we'll talk."

"Done!"

"...What?"

"Yeah, I've met Chuck on occasion. I'm sure he'd have no problem with it."

"...I love you," Peyton declared, throwing her arms around Neil's neck and making him stagger backwards.

"AS DO I!" Isshin declared, pulling them both into yet another lung-crushing hug. Ichigo and Rukia sighed heavily and shook their heads.

"...Hey, Rukia."

"Yes, Ichigo?"

"Wanna go get somethin' to eat while they do this?"

"Sounds good."

"Hey, wait for me! ...No, wait! AHHH, ICHIGO, DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!"

"SORRY, PEYTON, I THOUGHT YOU LOVED _NEIL_!"

"I LIED, I LOVE YOU MORE!"

"LOVE IS PAIN!"

"GODDAMN YOU!"

* * *

_**TWO **__**NIGHTS **__**LATER**__**...**_

"Ichigo."

"What?"

"Guess what?"

"What?"

"You gotta _guess_."

He rolled his eyes as she continued to bounce in her seat; Mike had actually sent someone to pick them up from the hotel, mainly because he and most of San Diego believed their driving skills to be major safety hazards.

"What, you want waffles?"

"Nope."

"Um...You're excited?"

"Well, yes, but no."

"Okay, um...OH! Are you wearing the same lingerie you wore that Tuesday? The really awesome Tuesday from a long time ago?"

"Nope."

"Aw, dammit. I give up then."

"You give up?"

"I just said I did," he replied with a sweatdrop.

She just grinned and leaned up to kiss him. "IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!"

"HOLY SHIT, IS IT REALLY?"

"YEAH!"

"I'm so glad you told me!"

"I know, I know, no need to thank me."

"So where's my present?"

She just smirked in that seductive way of hers that always sent shivers up and down his spine. "Oh, you'll unwrap me - I mean, _it_ - later."

Before more could be said, they were at the House of Blues. They grinned at the line that was wrapped around the whole place, having absolutely no problem with going to the very end. The driver looked at them like they were crazy, but just shook his head with a smile and took off anyways. They talked to other fans in line and whatnot for a good hour and a half, and recounted the whole car chase thing to those who had seen it on tv and asked.

Finally, the people in line were let in, but Peyton and Ichigo were stopped at the door. "Peyton Cullen and Ee-Chee-Go Churro-Saki?" the man asked, and Peyton answered before Ichigo could even begin to start shouting about his name, "YES, that's us. ...Wait, how'd you know?'

"He said you were an orange-haired giant and short redhead, it's a couple you don't really see every day," he replied with a chuckle.

"...Point taken," they said in unison, nodding slowly, and he chuckled again.

"Follow me. They wanna see you backstage."

"Oh, okay. ...Wait, WHAT?" Ichigo shouted, making Peyton sweatdrop.

"Dumbass, it's not that shocking. We've spent three days with the guy and saved his ass, he probably wants to thank us or something."

Sure enough, all four band members immediately broke out into grins when they got backstage. "That them?"

"Of course they are, how many orange-headed giants and short redheads you seen runnin' around?" Mike replied, clapping a hand on Ichigo's shoulder. "Happy birthday, kid."

Peyton couldn't help but smile at Ichigo's expression; he looked like a kid on Christmas. Actually, he looked even _happier_ than when she'd given him all the Social Distortion stuff for Christmas. "Thanks, man."

"Thank YOU for taking care of my drunk ass the past three days."

Jonny, the guitarist, scoffed at that one. "You're lucky they _found_ your drunk ass, _we_ sure as hell didn't have much luck."

"That was one hell of a cop chase," Brent, the bassist, praised. "We saw it on tv."

Peyton raised her hand cheerfully. "_I_ drove!"

Ichigo looked at her funny. "Wait, I thought you said _I_ drove when I came to?"

She flushed, laughing nervously. "I only said that to see if you'd believe me," she admitted sheepishly.

Mike shook his head. "You're the most reckless driver I've ever seen. ...For that, I admire you a little." She beamed at that, but it quickly fell into a scowl when he followed that up with, "But never drive again. Honestly. You'll kill someone."

"...Fine," she huffed, making them laugh.

"Show starts in ten," a stage manager shouted as he passed by, and it was like a gun went off somewhere. Everyone jumped into action, and the bandmates shook their hands and told Ichigo happy birthday again before taking off.

"How long're you two here for?" Mike asked. Peyton opened her mouth to reply, but Ichigo beat her to it.

"Well, we're in San Diego until tomorrow, but...I'm taking Peyton to Austin so she can see her godfather before we go back to Japan," he replied, grinning as she looked up at him with wide eyes.

"What?"

"Only fair after I dragged you on this trip through hell, huh?"

"You don't owe me anything!"

"We're going, and you'll just have to deal with it," he declared, making her smile and shake her head. "Seriously, though, thank you," Ichigo said sincerely to Mike. "Your music's helped me through a ton of tough times."

Peyton nodded in agreement, and Mike grinned at them and nodded. "Me too. That's what I do it for. Give us a call the next time you're in San Diego, Ichigo." And with a wave, he was off.

They waved back slowly, and Peyton smirked up at his star-in-eyes expression. "...He pronounced my name right...Do you have any idea how refreshing it is to _finally_ hear my name pronounced right?"

She laughed and shook her head, dragging him along with her. "C'mooon, we can still squeeze our way to the front if we haul some ass!"

* * *

It goes without saying that the show kicked major ass, and Ichigo was very pleased with Peyton's "gift" after it was over. Neil held up his end of the deal and gave them autographed photos of Chuck Norris, as well as calling Chuck on his cell phone and letting them talk to him.

...Well, Ichigo did. Peyton fainted.

Rukia and Kisuke got their revenge on them for making THEIR trips hell as well by disappearing in a smoke bomb that caused Chappies to rain down from the sky on Peyton, and they were left to get back to Japan by themselves. Ichigo and Peyton managed to shove Isshin into the smoke bomb, still pissed that he'd been in the trunk of Seth's car this whole time and most likely heard everything they'd said or done during the entire trip.

Damien had to go to Texas for his boyfriend's next concert, and allowed them to hitch a ride on the band's bus. They learned that his boyfriend actually wasn't that much of an asshole, just had a sick sense of humor when he was drunk.

Which wasn't often for that exact reason, as long as Damien was around.

Uncle Cameron was highly pleased and amused to meet Ichigo in person, and he and his friends laughed their asses off at their retelling of their trip from hell.

The Christmas tree was still in the corner; they amused themselves by placing bets on how long it would take for all the pine needles to fall off. They were down to tiny clumps here and there, which meant high stakes for their betting items: sporks and poker chips.

Ichigo gladly accepted a spork with spiky pine needles painted orange to look like his hair as a birthday present, with Uncle Cameron swearing he'd draw or write him something better eventually.

Seth picked them up from there, taking them back to Memphis. As punishment for destroying his car, Peyton had to admit the crack in the driveway really was from her head, and she couldn't say a word as Ichigo was unfairly-persuaded into sleeping in her Aunt Lynn's room. He stayed in her bed until she fell asleep, then dove on the floor and hid under a blanket; he didn't sleep at all that night.

But now her Uncle Rob was eternally grateful for Ichigo not letting his wife seduce him.

Now, after a traumatizing breakfast in which everyone had to explain to Ichigo what grits was that lead to the women shoving all kinds of Southern food down his throat, Peyton and Seth were standing in the driveway.

Trying to ignore Ichigo's muffled cries for help as they continued to stuff him with food.

"You're just gonna let him suffer?"

"Yeeep."

"That's so cruel, P."

"That's why you support it."

"Exactly right. No guy gets to date my sister without suffering, and if it ain't by my hands, it might as well be by yours. ...Hey, did he really hit me over the head with that vase?"

"Yeah."

"Dammit."

Peyton rolled her eyes and plopped down on the driveway, pulling him down with her. They both knew they were talking about stupid stuff to avoid the fact that they wouldn't be living under the same roof anymore. "Seth?"

"Yeah, P."

"I'm about to say something I hardly ever say to you unless I want something, which I don't this time."

"Go for it."

"I love you," she said simply, hugging him around the neck. He laughed a little and put an arm around her, patting her back. "I knew deep down you loved me."

"Reeeaaally deep down."

"Likewise."

"Seth?"

"Yeah."

"If you get a girl pregnant in college, I'm flying over here and cutting off your balls."

"Pass that message onto Ichigo about you, will ya?"

"S-S-Shut up!" she shouted, turning bright red as he started laughing.

"Seriously, though, Peyton."

"What?"

"Take care of Linds, alright? And I'll try and fly over for Christmas and all that."

"Okay."

They talked a little while longer about random stuff, like they usually did when they weren't trying to piss the other one off or prying into their love life or anything else incredibly stupid, but then they were forced to go save Ichigo when his shouts started to get more and more annoying.

Later that night, Lynn kept dropping hints that Ichigo should sleep in the same place he did last time, so Peyton had no choice but to set up an elaborate escape route so they could avoid any more scarring for Ichigo's brain.

It all ended up with them kayaking across the Wolf River in order to get to the Mississippi River; that way, they could end up in Downtown Memphis and take a cab to the airport.

"...Um...Peyton?" he asked as they continued paddling.

"Yeah?" she replied cheerfully as a wolf started howling.

"I think we're lost..."

"Nah, we're fine."

"Peyton, I hear banjo music."

"And?"

"Whadda you mean AND? We're gonna get raped by rednecks, and it's all your fault!" he hissed, trying to keep his voice low as they continued to paddle past all the trees.

Peyton's temple throbbed. "Ichigo, did I ever mention how annoying it is when people stereotype us Southerners?"

"No, seriously! Have you ever seen 'Deliverance'?"

"...I haven't even heard of that, why?"

He gulped and shook his head quickly. "I'll make you watch it if we don't get raped by rednecks."

"Ichigo, stop saying that!" Her eyes widened, however, when she heard the banjo music get louder, and it was soon accompanied by men screaming. "OH GOD, PLEASE NO! NO! AHHHH!"

She looked to Ichigo, who had a smug grin on his face, and she hit him with her paddle. "OW!"

"PADDLE FASTER, YOU JACKASS!"

* * *

Once they finally found the Mississippi River, paddling right underneath the bridge, they sighed with relief. "Oh God, that was scary. I really hope that sound was them blowing against the lid of a jug, and not..."

"Let's just not mention this to anyone...EVER," Ichigo suggested as they trudged up the boat ramp and hailed a cab, and she nodded quickly. "To the airport, please," Peyton instructed the man, handing him cash.

He nodded. "Hop on in."

They rode in silence for most of the ride, and then Ichigo suddenly made a clicking noise with his tongue that made her jump. "Peyton, I finally figured it out," he declared as they pulled into the airport.

"Figured what out? Oh, thank you," she told the cabbie, who smiled and nodded before speeding off.

"I figured it out," he repeated triumphantly, making her temple throb.

"Just spit it out already!"

"Nah, I think I'll make you think about it first," he said with a smug grin as she bought their plane tickets. They had to run – okay, sprint – to catch the flight, as it was the last flight to Tokyo, and she sighed heavily once they had taken off.

"Want me to tell you?"

"No, no, I'll figure it out."

"..."

"..."

"...Okay, yeah, tell me."

"I finally figured out how to tell if you're faking or not," he declared, making her turn bright red and shush him.

"Keep your voice down! ...Although now I'm amused. How can you tell, Ichigo?"

"Easy. When you have an actual orgasm, your toes curl and your voice goes up, like, almost a whole octave."

She just blinked at him, and he furrowed his brows. "Oh, c'mon, I paid close attention after the concert, there's no way I'm wrong!"

Finally, Peyton broke out into a rather suggestive smirk as she unbuckled her seat belt. "Well, I guess we'll have to test your theory in the bathroom, won't we?"

"...But we're not even close to a mile high yet," he pointed out with a similar smirk.

"Then you'll have plenty of time to prove your theory, won't you?"

"...God, I love you," he said as he jumped out of his seat and dragged her to the bathroom, making her giggle the whole way there.


End file.
